Happy Friday! One of the many cartoons I watched when I was a child was “The Rocky and Bullwinkle Show” – every episode there would be a clip where Bullwinkle would say, “Hey Rocky watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat.” Then something that was not a rabbit would usually appear of the hat. So, in honor of Bullwinkle, I have pulled a few jokes out of my hat this week.
Enjoy!
I showed a mime a magic trick, it left him speechless.
A hear that good magician’s assistants are very hard to find, apparently they are highly sawed after.
I recently saw a magician who does magic with chocolate, it seems he had a lot of Twix up his sleeve.
I recently read about a new TV show about magical arts in the legal system, it is going to be called “Subpoena the Teenage Witch.”
Did you hear about the magician who made an entire art gallery disappear? Now museum, now you don’t
I have a friend who is very talented as both a Magician & a Chef. They say his food is TA! DA! for.
I read an article that stated that for a period of time, Harry Houdini used a trap door in every magic show he performed, apparently it was just a stage he was going through.
There was once a farmer who walked into a magical forest to cut down a tree. As he pulled back his axe to take a big swing, it cried out “Wait, I’m a talking tree!” The farmer just grinned and said “yes, and you will dialogue.”
Magician: “and now for my final trick! I will disappear!” Then he grabs a pear from under the table and says: “you’re the worst fruit ever!”
What are the two magic words you can say to get anything you want? – “I’m offended.”
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“The secret of showmanship consists not of what you really do, but what the mystery-loving public thinks you do.” ~ Harry Houdini
Happy Friday and welcome to March! I have an anniversary coming up in a few days, so let’s kick his weekend off with some relationship jokes.
Enjoy!
For our anniversary, I gave my wife a small picture of me inside a pistachio. It’s just me in a nutshell.
I asked my wife if she’d like a new Diamond Ring to celebrate our anniversary. “Nothing would make me happier!” She replied. So, I got her nothing.
Our anniversary is coming up, so my wife told me that she would be happy as long as I get her something with a lot of diamonds in it. I think she is going to love this pack of playing cards.
My wife asked me, “Do you want dinner?” I replied, “I don’t know. What are my choices?” Her response, “Yes or no.”
I asked my wife which she liked better, my face or my body? She said, “Your sense of humor.”
I think arguing with your spouse is like trying to read the “Terms of Use” on the internet. Eventually, you just give up and say, “I Agree.”
I thought I won the argument with my wife about how to arrange the furniture; however, when I got home, the tables had turned.
My wife said she wanted to be treated like a princess for our anniversary. So, I invited seven little people over so she could make us dinner – now she’s mad at me.
My wife keeps telling me that I’m the cheapest person she has ever met, but I’m not buying it.
My wife and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” ~ Henny Youngman
Happy Friday! It might still be February, but this week I have ben thinking about warmer days and vacation. Gas prices are rising again and the price of everything seems to keep going up. You might have started to winder if you will be able to travel anywhere this year. Well I have good news for you! Here are ten unique places that just might convince you to fill up the gas tank and hit the road. Enjoy!
Museum of Bad Art – “Too bad to be ignored” This is the world’s only museum dedicated to the collection, preservation, exhibition and celebration of bad art in all its forms. Is bad culture better than no culture? Dedham, Massachusetts – http://www.museumofbadart.org
Lizzie Borden Bed & Breakfast -“Lizzie Borden grabbed an axe, and gave her father 40 whacks.” Beautifully restored Greek-revival home is now a first-class bed & breakfast. You are invited to choose one of 6 beautifully appointed bedrooms and roam the house to learn the true facts about Lizzie Borden and the murders of 1892. Don’t like Lizzie Borden? Just bury the hatchet and go anyway. Fall River, Massachusetts –http://www.lizzie-borden.com
Glore Psychiatric Museum – brings to life the glorious history of psychiatric treatment through dioramas, models, and reproductions. Some of the more interesting objects on display include the tranquilizer chair, a ‘things-swallowed-by-patients’ exhibit, and a giant hamster wheel for especially energetic patients. The voices in your head are telling you to go. – St. Joseph, Missouri https://gloremuseum.org/
The Museum of Questionable Medical Devices -Devious Displays of Quackery, Fraud, Deceit and Deception — the largest collection of medical chicanery and mayhem ever assembled under one roof. When finished take two aspirin and call me in the morning. Minneapolis, Minnesota –http://www.museumofquackery.com
Vent Haven: Ventriloquist Museum – the world’s only museum of ventriloquial figures and memorabilia. This one has been closed for a bit but is getting ready to reopen May 9. All those dummies have just been sitting there waiting for you to come – just don’t let them put words in your mouth. Ft. Mitchell, Kentucky – https://www.venthaven.org/
The National Museum of Funeral History – Here you will discover America’s largest collection of authentic historical funeral service items. You can also learn about hearses through history, caskets and coffins, and the history of embalming and cremation. Don’t stay too long or you might end up as part of an exhibit. Houston, Texas – https://www.nmfh.org
The National Mustard Museum – home to the world’s largest collection of mustards and mustard memorabilia. You can find mustard pots, antique tins and jars as well as vintage advertisements and it is free! As museums go, this one really makes the cut. Middleton, Wisconsin –https://mustardmuseum.com/
Spam Museum – It is all about the sizzle, a trip for the history books and the cook books. Find out all you ever wanted to know about Spam but were afraid to ask. It is free, so don’t knock it until you’ve fried it. Austin, Minnesota – https://www.spam.com/museum
International Cryptozoology Museum – Did you know that Cryptozoology is the study of hidden or unknown animals? Well, here you have the world’s only cryptozoology museum. Maybe you can actually spot Big Foot on your visit. Portland, Maine – https://cryptozoologymuseum.com/
National Bobblehead Hall of Fame and Museum – who doesn’t like a bobblehead? Here you will find the world’s largest collection of bobbleheads as well as dozens of exhibits related to the history of bobbleheads, the making of bobbleheads and much, much more. Doesn’t that sound fun? Just nod your head in agreement. – Milwaukee, Wisconsin – https://www.bobbleheadhall.com/
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“A vacation is what you take when you can no longer take what you’ve been taking.” ~Earl Wilson
Happy Friday! In case you have not noticed, Valentine’s Day is Tuesday. Before you head out to the store, I thought I would offer you a few useful tips on what NOT to get that special gal in your life.
Enjoy!
Leonard
We have all heard, “It’s the thought that counts.” Yet, while that may be true, there certainly are limits on what will keep you in the good graces of your spouse around February 14. Heed my word to the wise and be sure to cross the following off your shopping list this weekend before it is too late.
Jumper cables – while these can come in quite handy, they will not jump start a romantic evening.
A coffee mug – another gift that, while it may be useful, just might get you roasted.
Pencil sharpener – even if she needs and wants a pencil sharpener, this is not the day for it. Hope you get my point.
A Roomba – give this for Valentine’s Day and she might set it to chase you around the house.
An oversized Teddy Bear – after the age of about six, a six-foot Teddy Bear is just kind of creepy.
A heart-shaped box of chocolates – the ultimate cliché gift. Life may be like a box of chocolates, but avoid the cheap heart-shaped box from the corner drug store.
A bouquet of salami – while a bouquet of flowers might be about as cliché as a box of chocolates, a bouquet of flowers is much better than a bouquet of salami, plus getting hit over the head with a bouquet of salmi hurts more than flowers.
Personalized socks with your picture on them- do you really want to see your face on her feet? Neither does she.
A hot sauce of the month subscription – it will only get you in hot water.
Novelty Toilet Paper – no, just no, nothing more needs to be said.
Thought for the Week
Anyone can catch your eye, but it takes someone special to catch your heart. ~Author Unknown
Happy Friday and Happy February! 2023 is already 8% over! I hope the year is off to a good start for you. Let’s kick off the weekend with some random jokes chosen especially for you.
Enjoy!
I heard that when rainbows are bad they get sent to Prism, but it is a light sentence.
Here is an easy way to tell the gender of an ant. Put it in a glass of water. If it sinks it’s a girl ant. If it floats it’s buoyant.
I was reading a story about a claustrophobic astronaut, apparently he just needed some space.
I like jokes about stationery, but rulers are where I draw the line.
If 70% of the earth is water, and virtually none of it is carbonated, could we say that the earth is, in fact, flat?
This morning I saw a person dragging a clam on a leash behind him and it occurred to me that it must be hard to walk with a pulled mussel.
As part of my New Year’s routine, I have started doing crunches twice a day. Captain in the morning. Nestle in the afternoon.
Did you know that you can hear the blood in your veins? You just have to listen varicosely.
Did you hear the one about the donut that went to the Dentist? It needed a filling.
Would you call a dog that has been run over by a steamroller, Spot?
I have been a bookkeeper for 10 years. The library is not very happy about it.
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“A wise man will make more opportunities than he finds.” ~Francis Bacon (1561–1626)
Happy Friday! We have already come to the last Friday in January! They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day, so how about a side order of breakfast jokes to kick off the weekend?
Enjoy!
Is it true that for breakfast iPhones eat Siri-al?
Is it true that for breakfast thesauruses eat synonym buns?
Is it true that for breakfast cats eat mice krispies?
Is it true that for breakfast dogs eat woofles?
Is it true that for breakfast Spies eat their waffles syruptitiously?
Is it true that for breakfast electricians eat Ohm-eletes?
Is it true that for breakfast comedian’s eat pun-cakes?
I hate it when I run out of bread for breakfast, you could say that I am lack-toast intolerant.
This morning I had the strangest breakfast, it was surreal.
I once went to a haunted bed and breakfast in France, man that place really gave me the crêpes.
Most mornings I really do not care what I have for breakfast, you might even say I ameggnostic.
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
‘I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast any time” so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.’~ Steven Wright
Recently my wife purchased an Amazon Alexia device. It can turn on lights, act as a timer, answer a myriad of questions and it can tell jokes! You be the judge of whether or not it can tell good jokes.
Enjoy!
I asked a lone wolf for a stick of gum, but she didn’t have a pack.
What do you call a pretty pig?
Hamsome.
What do you call a hen who counts her eggs?
A mathemachicken.
What did the Terminator say when he drank his last drop of coffee?
Hasta Barista Baby.
How does James Bond like to sleep?
Under covers.
What do you call an X-wing pilot who does too many barrel rolls?
Puke Skywalker.
Why did the chief chase the chickens oat of the restaurant?
Too many clucks in the kitchen.
Why was the chiropractor so busy?
He had back-to-back meetings.
Where does a rhombus post its selfies?
On a parallelogram
Did you read the reviews about the new blender?
It got mixed results.
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“People will come to love their oppression, to adore the technologies that undo their capacities to think.” ~ Aldous Huxley.
Happy Friday! I was reading the other day about how credit card balances went up a significant amount in December. So, I thought it would be a good time to share some credit & banking jokes.
Enjoy!
I heard that Luke Skywalker’s credit card of preference is a Jedi Mastercard.
Would you call a credit card riding a train from New York to Los Angeles an American Express?
I heard that if you have bad credit and need a loan that you should take a trigonomitrist with you to the Bank so that he can cosign.
Is it true that the bank owner bought some cows to beef up security?
Bankers, by nature are pretty antisocial, they really are a bunch of loaners.
I read a story about a cheetah who robbed a bank. He ran away so fast that he almost got away with it. Unfortunately, he was spotted.
Is it true that money is called dough because we all knead it?
My Dad used to tell me that I should work really hard until my bank balance would look like a phone number. Well after years and years I have done it, my balance is $9.11.
I don’t like to brag, but I am pretty good at managing my credit accounts. In fact the Bank keeps sending me letters to let me know that my balance is outstanding.
It has gotten cold again. The other morning I had to scrap the ice off of my windshield. I used my supermarket credit card and got 10% off.
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“If inflation continues to soar, you’re going to have to work like a dog just to live like one.” ~ George Gobel
Happy Friday! I hope that 2023 is off to a good start for you and that good things are ahead. It is that time of year when it seems like there is always someone in the family who is sick as germs just keep making their rounds during winter. So grab a tissue and a laugh.
Enjoy!
My wife gave me a “Get better soon” card. I am not sick; she just thinks I can be better.
Is it true that when a boat gets sick it goes to the dock?
Is it true that when a horse gets sick it goes to the horsepital?
Is it true that when fish get sick, they go to the sturgeon?
Is it true that when a snake is sick, it should take an anti-hiss-tamine?
Is your cat sick if she is not feline well?
If you get sick at the airport would that be called a terminal illness?
Is it true that most employees get sick on work days because of their weekend immune system?
If you are feeling sick over increasing gas prices at the pump would you have the car owner virus?
If you get sick in space, would you still say the you are under the weather?
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“I feel more like I do now than I did a little while ago” ~ Mr. Youngerman, my high school chemistry teacher
Leonard's Lines 