Friday Funny November 2, 2018 There Are Two Kinds of People

Happy Friday and welcome to November.  The leaves are turning and fall is in the air.  While there may be four seasons, it seems like there are basically two kinds of people.

Enjoy!

There are two kinds of people, the givers and the takers. The takers may eat better, but the givers sleep better.—Anonymous

There are two kinds of people, those who have lost data due to a system crash, and those who will. — Mike Epstein

There are two kinds of people in the world.  Those concerned about getting the work done and those concerned about getting credit for it.

There are two kinds of people, those who we are happy to see coming and those who we are happy to see going.

There are two kinds of people, those who think I am funny and those with absolutely no sense of humor.

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start and 

There are two kinds of people, those who can extrapolate from incomplete information

There are two types of people in the world.  Those with a short attention span and…squirrel!!

There are two types of people in the world.  Those that can keep secrets, and I can’t tell you about the others.

There are two kinds of people, those who believe there are two kinds of people, and those who know better. – Anonymous

There are two kinds of people and the first kind of person is sort of like the person who tends to use a lot of run-on sentences without any punctuation while the other kind of person paradoxically speaking is a person who does not tend to use run-on sentences that much and that my friend is the two kinds of people who are in the world as we have it today.

There are two kinds of people in the world.  There are those who like to repeat themselves and those who like to repeat themselves.

There are two kinds of people in the world.  Those that put people into groups and those that do not.

There are two kinds of people in the world.  Those that tend to bifurcate the population in an effort to delineate and ameliorate their understanding of current trends and those that just looked up bifurcate and ameliorate.

There are 6/3 kinds of people in the world.  Those that get fractions, and those who do not.

There are only 10 kinds of people in the world, those who understand binary and those who don’t.

Actually there are three kinds of people in the world, those who can count and those who can’t.

Thought  for the Week

“There are basically two types of people. People who accomplish things and people who claim to have accomplished things. The first group is less crowded.” ~ Mark Twain

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Trick or Treat

For me Halloween has always been about the candy. It wasn’t about scary stuff or pranks, it was about candy. What other time of the year did you get to go to every house in the neighborhood knock on the door, ask for candy and someone would actually give it to you? I can still remember the excitement of coming home and dumping out the pillow case (no small plastic pumpkin for me) as all the goodies would pile out onto the floor in one glorious heap of blissful, useless calories. I am thankful that my Trick or Treat days were before the advent of that hideous abomination called “fun-size.” Personally I think full size is a lot more fun than fun size.

Costumes were simpler then too – a plastic cigar that could shoot out baby powder instantly transformed you into a hobo. A sheet with a few holes made you a ghost – the effect was not quite the same if the sheet had a flowered pattern.  I always suggested to my sons that they dress up like an accountant for Trick or Treat, but for some odd reason they never bought into that idea.

So, be nice to the little ones that come knocking at your door this week and take advantage of the opportunity to meet your neighbors. But if you want to make a good impression, there are some treats you might want to avoid.

There are a number of “Ten Worst Trick or Treat Candies” lists out there. So after my own exhaustive research, here is my list.

10. Bubble gum – chewing it just keeps you from moving onto the chocolate.
9. Stickers – can’t eat them and Mom won’t let you put them on the furniture.
8. Coupons – Trick or Treat is a time for instant gratification.
7. Anything homemade – Mom knows all the urban legends.
6. Candy Corn – the fruit cake of Trick or Treat.                                                                                5. Those Peanut Butter flavored things in orange and black wrappers – do they even sell these any other time of the year?
4. Raisins – unless they are chocolate covered.
3. Apples – unless they are covered in caramel and nuts and factory sealed for your protection.
2. Little wax bottles filled with juice – is it a drink or a chew – the world may never know.
1. Toothbrushes – that is just being cruel.
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What’s the Price of Cheap Honey?

Married with Bees

People love to ask questions when they find out that we started keeping bees.  One of the most common questions is, “When will you start selling honey?”  That question is usually followed by the comment, “Local honey is really expensive.  You can make a lot of money.”  In our part of the Midwest, local honey sells for anywhere between $8 and $12 for a 1 pound bottle, and those prices are typically set by hobby beekeepers who sell mostly at places like farmers markets.  If you read my previous blog post, you will know that hobby beekeepers aren’t getting rich on their honey.  The question that people should be asking is, “Why is the grocery store honey so cheap?”  The answer to that question will probably shock you.  

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Friday Funny October 25, 2018 Latest Stock Headlines

Happy Friday!  Trick or Treat is almost upon us and this week the stock market gave us some of both along with a scary ride!  Just in case you could not muster the courage to watch the stock market this week, here are some stock headlines you might have missed.

Enjoy!

Boeing quickly took off at the opening bell

PepsiCo disappointed with flat earnings

Trading in Visa was charged in early trading

Proctor and Gamble touched a new bottom

Interest in Hills Bros Coffee was percolating throughout the day

Interest in Home Depot was building

Facebook earnings were widely followed

Energizer Holdings, Inc. exploded in an attempt to recharge the market

Exxon – Mobile ran out of gas toward the end of the session

Microsoft was crashing during the day

Google was widely searched

Ebay was trending up with high bidding

FedEx delivered profit as expected

Investors are losing interest in JP Morgan Chase

Disney saw a lot of animated trading

Norfolk Southern earnings were off the rails

Dollar General was heavily discounted

Earnings for the Kraft Heinz Company were awaited with great anticipation

Deere & Company leaped early in the session

Otis Elevators saw their stock price go up and down

Thought for the Week

“October: This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks. The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.” ~ Mark Twain

Friday Funny October 19, 2018 Sleep on It

Happy Friday!  After a long week, many look forward to some rest and relaxation over the weekend.  Here is wishing you rest and sweet dreams.

Enjoy!

I have a condition that makes me eat when I can’t sleep, it’s called Insom-nom-nom-nom-nia!”

I do not think I am an early bird nor a night owl.  I am more of a permanently exhausted pigeon.

I got paid for being part of a study at the sleep clinic, yes it was my dream job.

The most consistent exercise I get is tossing and turning all night.

One night I dreamed I was a muffler. When I woke up I was exhausted.

Another night I dreamed that I’d written “The Lord of the Rings.” When I mentioned this to my wife she said that I’d been Tolkien in my sleep.

My friend asked me if they could borrow some sleeping pills. I said “Sure, knock yourself out.”

If there was an elephant who had trouble sleeping would you give him a trunkquillizer?

I heard that Chuck Norris sleeps with a nightlight not because he’s afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of him.

Studies have shown that the amount of sleep required by an average person is ten more minutes.

If your iPad making is making you fall asleep, I heard there’s a nap for that.

I vow not to sleep until I find a cure for my insomnia.

Thought for the Week

“What hath night to do with sleep?” ― John Milton, Paradise Lost

Friday Funny October 12, 2018 Business Jokes

Happy Friday!  Congratulations for surviving yet another work week and speaking of work, here is a little workplace humor to wrap up your work week.

Enjoy!

My boss is very easygoing. He told me not to think of him as the boss, rather, think of him as a friend who is never wrong.”

I tried to begin a limousine business. But despite putting all my money and effort into it, I never even got my first customer…all that time and nothing to chauffeur it.

I once had a job assisting a one-armed typist with capital letters.. it was shift work.

I recently applied for a job as an inspector at a mirror factory, it is something I could see myself doing.

My wife tells me that I talk in my sleep all the time. But I do not buy it, nobody at work ever mentions it.

If business slows down at a medicine factory could you hear a cough drop?

Did the electrician decide to close business one day a week because business was light?

Did you hear about the ancient Egyptian man who tried to make a success in the stone quarry business? It turned out that it was a pyramid scheme all along

 Committee Meeting Rules
1) Never arrive on time, this marks you as a beginner.
2) Don’t say anything until the meeting is half over; this marks you as being wise.
3) Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the others.
4) When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed.
5) Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you popular since this is what everyone is waiting for.

Thought for the Week

To get something done a committee should consist of no more than three people, two of whom are absent.  ~Robert Copeland

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny October 5, 2018 Murphy’s Law and Corollaries

Happy Friday and Welcome to October!  No doubt you have heard of Murphy’s Law – the old adage that “If anything can go wrong it will go wrong.”  This week I thought I would expand on that and share some similar thoughts.

Enjoy!

If you find a way to make ends meet, the ends will move. 

If you change lines because another line is moving faster, the line you just left will move faster than the one you changed to. 

If there is a 50-50 chance that you might be right, there is a 90 percent chance you will be wrong.

If it says “one size fits all,” it doesn’t. 

If you have lost an item, the quickest way to find it is to purchase its replacement.

If you ask more than one question in a work-related email the only question that will be answered is the one that you are least concerned with.

If you are waiting for an email to be answered, it will arrive as soon as you step away from your computer.

If you receive any recognition for work, it will be related to the lest enjoyable part of your job.

If you drop any tool or small item, it will roll to the least accessible spot in the room.

 If the shoe fits perfectly, you will not like the style.

If you have just poured a hot cup of coffee, your attention will be required for the exact amount of time it will take you coffee to become room temperature.

If you find a product that you really like, the company will cease production.

If you find a television show you really enjoy, it will be canceled.

If there is a song you despise, it will be played on the radio.  

At any event, anyone with a seat closer to the center of the row will arrive after you are seated.

The probability of an event happening has an inverse ratio to its desirability. 

The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Thought for the Week

I never make stupid mistakes. Only very, very clever ones. ~John Peel

http://www.quotegarden.com