Friday Funny April 17, 2020 My Social Distancing Playlist

Happy Friday!  Hoping this finds you healthy and coping.  Times continue to be rather crazy and we all find different ways to cope.  I enjoy listening to music.  So, this week I thought I would share my playlist for social distancing along with a few lines from each song.  I will admit the songs are rather dated, but then so am I!

Enjoy!

  • Pablo Cruise – Place in the Sun –Everybody’s pannin’ for gold/ and you can find it for a price/Love always promises to last forever/ but sometimes it just don’t work out/’Cause laughing lighthearted tunes/oh, sometimes they turn to blues/So tell yourself a joke or two/’cause every day invites you/To find your place in the sun
  • Average White Bank – Pick Up the Pieces – Pick up the pieces, uh-huh/Pick up the pieces, alright/Pick up the pieces, uh-huh/Pick up the pieces, woo!
  • Boz Scaggs- What Can I Say – (What can I say)/Oh to make you know baby/(What can I do)/Oooh show you that I care/(What can I say)
  • Beatles – Please Mr. Postman – Wait, oh yes wait a minute mister postman/Wait, wait mister postman/Mister postman look and see/Is there a letter in your bag for me
  • Player – Baby Comer Back – All day long, I’m wearin’ a mask of false bravado/Tryin’ to keep up a smile that hides a tear/But as the sun goes down, I get that empty feelin’ again
  • Boston – More Than A Feeling – So many people have come and gone/Their faces fade as the years/go by/Yet I still recall as I wander on/As clear as the sun in the summer sky/It’s more than a feeling
  • Rex Smith – Take My Breath Away -You, you take my breath away/And I don’t know what to say/’Cause you take my breath away
  • Donnie Osmond – Go Away Little Girl – So, go away little girl/Let’s call it a day little girl/Please, go away little girl/Before I beg you to stay
  • Barbara Streisand – The Way We Were – Mem’ries,Light the corners of my mind/Misty water-colored memories/Of the way we were
  • Starship – Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now – Let ’em say we’re crazy, I don’t care about that/put your hand in my hand, baby, don’t ever look back/let the world around us just fall apart/baby we can make it if we’re heart-to-heart
  • Andrew Gold – Lonely Boy– “They dressed him up warmly/they sent him to school/
    It taught him how to fight/to be nobody’s fool/Oh, oh, what a lonely boy
  • Eric Carmen – All By Myself – Livin’ alone/I think of all the friends I’ve known.
    But when I dial the telephone/Nobody’s home.
  • Sly and the Family Stone – Thank You Falettinme Be Mice Elf Agin – Dance to the music all night long/Everyday people sing their simple song/Mama’s so happy, Mama starts to cry/Papa’s still singing, you can make it if you try/I want to thank you falettinme be mice elf agin
  • Three Dog Night – Mama Told Me (Not To Come) –This is the craziest party that could ever be/Don’t turn on the lights ’cause I don’t wanna see/Mama told me not to come
  • Aerosmith – Walk This Way –  ‘Cause she knew what she was doin’/When she told me how to walk this way/She told me to/Walk this way
  • The Sylvers- Boogie Fever –She’s got the boogie fever/She likes to boogie down
    She’s got the boogie fever/I think it’s going around
  • Gloria Gaynor – I Will Survive – “I’ve got all my life to live/ I’ve got all my love to give/
    And I’ll survive, I will survive, I will survive.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“I may not overcome the inevitable, but O, it is mine to see that the inevitable does not overcome me.” ~Muriel Strode (1875–1964), My Little Book of Prayer, 1904

http://WWW.QUOTEGARDEN.COM

Friday Funny April 10, 2020 Always Proofread.

Happy Friday!  Congratulations of making it through another week of social distancing!  These are indeed unusual times for all of us.  Why not kick off your weekend with a laugh?  Below are some interesting newspaper corrections that I dug up.

Enjoy!  Best Wishes for Easter and Passover!!

“In a Sunday Image article about hyaluronic acid, a skin-care ingredient and injectable filler, Dr. Nowell Solish was quoted as saying that if people change their minds after receiving an injection, there is an anecdote. It should have quoted him as saying there is an antidote.”

“There was an error printed in a story titled ‘Pigs float down the Dawson’ on Page 11 of yesterday’s Bully. The story, by reporter Daniel Burdon, said ‘more than 30,000 pigs were floating down the Dawson River’. What Baralaba piggery owner Sid Everingham actually said was ’30 sows and pigs’, not ’30,000 pigs’. The Morning Bulletin would like to apologise for this error, which was also reprinted in today’s Rural Weekly CQ before the mistake was known.”

“The candidate likes to spend his free time reading Tolstoy, and not watching Toy Story, as originally reported”

“In a recipe for salsa published recently, one of the ingredients was misstated, due to an error.  The correct ingredient is ‘2 tsp. of cilantro’ istead of ‘2 tsp. of cement.”

“A headline on an item in the Feb. 5 edition of the Enquirer Bulletin incorrectly stated ‘Stolen groceries.’ It should have read ‘Homicide.’

“An April 5 story stated that Mary Fraijo did not return a reporter’s calls seeking comment. Fraijo died last December.”

“There was an error in the Dear Abby column that was published on Monday.  In the fifth paragraph. the second sentence stated that Charlie’s hiccups were cured temporarily through the use of carbon monoxide. It should have read carbon dioxide.”

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“The life of every man is a diary in which he means to write one story, and writes another. \” ~ James Matthew Barrie

http://WWW.QUOTEGARDEN.COM

Friday Funny April 3, 2020 Boredom Therapy

Happy Friday!  Congratulations for making it through another week intact.  If  you are starting to get a little stir crazy., here are a few bordeom busters to try out over the coming week.

Enjoy!

If you are bored try playing catch with your watch, it is a great way to pass the time.

If you are bored try memorizing the dictionary. I memorized five pages and learned next to nothing.

If you are bored try taking up fencing.  I did and my neighbors say they will call the police unless I put it back.

If you are bored try to see how many words you can make out of the word “Methuselah.”

If you are bored try to see how many marshmallows you can stuff in your mouth.

If you are bored try hiding a speaker by your mailbox and scream at people as they walk by. 

If you are bored try sitting by an open window with a Nerf gun and shoot people as they walk by. 

If you are bored try tying a rope to a rock and taking it for a walk.  When you pass people,  pat the rock and say, “Good boy Sparky!” 

If you are bored try standing at the end of your driveway with a hairdryer and pointing it  at cars and bicycles as they go by. 

If you are bored, try throwing glue sticks at people as they walk by to see if they stick.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

I nod to a passing stranger, and the stranger nods back, and two human beings go off, feeling a little less anonymous. ~Robert Brault,

http://WWW.QUOTEGARDEN.COM

Smiles Are Contagious Too

We are probably all getting a bit stir-crazy, a bit fatigued and a bit concerned about what is going on in the world.  The world is in flux and there is a lot of uncertainly.  Yet in the midst of all of this, let me suggest something that is contagious and worth sharing – a smile.  While we are all practicing social distancing we can still acknowledge one another.  A wave, a nod, a smile will cost you nothing and will help brighten the world just a little bit.

I started running a couple of decades ago.  Running tends to be a rather solitary experience, thus I spend a nice chunk of time outside by myself.  I think this is pretty typical for runners.  Runners tend to welcome the momentary distraction of a wave, a smile and a “hello” as we pass on the road.  I seldom find that I get ignored by another runner, if I am ignored it tends to be a younger, really serious runner who is so focused on the run that he or she is trying to block out all distractions and “find the zone.” 

However, I am a bit amazed by how often I am ignored when I am out running.  I will look up, nod and wave to anyone I see, but this is not always returned.  I live in a residential area, and there is never a crowd of people out.  So, I find it interesting that some folks simply ignore my existence or pull up the phone to look at it the moment we pass.  I like dogs but I am a little perturbed by the folks that have to talk to their dog the moment we pass so that they can ignore me.

These days it seems that there are more people out walking in my neighborhood. So as I run or walk I will look up at anyone I pass and smile and say “hello” I hope you will do the same and maybe in spite of all else that is going on, we can be a little more friendly to each other.  Share a smile and pass it on.

 

Television Portrays Current Crises in Episode that Aired in 1995

“Sliders” was a television show that aired for five seasons (1995 – 2000).  I tend to like different, quirky TV shows and “Sliders”, especially the first few seasons fit that description.  The story centered on a young genius named Quinn Mallory.  While Quinn was working on an anti-gravity machine, he accidentally creates a portal that allows travel to parallel universes. Of course things go wrong and Quinn, a close friend/love interest, his favorite professor and a blues singer who just happened to be driving by get sucked into the worm hole.  They cannot control where they go, but they have a device that informs them how long before they leap into the next universe. They are always in San Francisco, just different versions of San Francisco as they try to stay together and alive until they can move on.

Episode 4 of the first season was titled “the Fever.”  In this episode the Sliders race to find a cure for a deadly plague that is consuming the inhabitants of that universe.  The plague was released by “Patient Zero” who happens to be the Quinn of that world.  Of course there are some twists and turns long the way. 

I happen to have a couple of seasons on DVD, so I pulled out this episode to watch it again last week, I found it rather intriguing, perhaps I should watch all the other episodes to help me plan for the future?

Below is a five minute YouTube synopsis of the episode. 

 

Friday Funny March 26, 2020 Baseball Quotations

Happy Friday! Hoping this finds you and yours healthy and coping in these challenging days.  Today was to be the start of the 2020 baseball season, but like so many things at the moment that is on hold.  So, a few memorable baseball quotations will have to do for now.

Enjoy and Stay Healthy!

Nothing flatters me more than to have it assumed that I could write prose, unless it be to have it assumed that I once pitched a baseball with distinction. ~Robert Frost

No game in the world is as tidy and dramatically neat as baseball, with cause and effect, crime and punishment, motive and result, so cleanly defined. ~ Paul Gallico

I don’t want to play golf. When I hit a ball, I want someone else to go chase it. ~ Rogers Hornsby

Yesterday’s home runs don’t win today’s games. ~ Babe Ruth

You can sum up the game of baseball in one word: ‘You never know.’ ~ Joaquin Andujar

The two most important things in life are good friends and a strong bullpen. ~ Bob Lemon

Baseball is a skilled game. It’s America’s game – it, and high taxes. ~ Will Rogers

Finish last in your league and they call you idiot. Finish last in medical school and they call you doctor. ~ Abe Lemons

There are two theories on hitting the knuckleball. Unfortunately, neither of them work. ~Charley Lau

Slump? I ain’t in no slump… I just ain’t hitting. ~ Yogi Berra

Now there’s three things you can do in a baseball game: You can win or you can lose or it can rain. ~ Casey Stengel

No matter how good you are, you’re going to lose one-third of your games. No matter how bad you are you’re going to win one-third of your games. It’s the other third that makes the difference. ~Tommy Lasorda

Baseball is the only major sport that appears backwards in a mirror. ~ George Carlin

If you don’t succeed at first, try pitching. ~ Jack Harshman

He’s got power enough to hit home-runs in any park, including Yellowstone. ~ Sparky Anderson on Willie Stargell

Baseball is like driving, it’s the one who gets home safely that counts. ~ Tommy Lasorda

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

It breaks your heart. It is designed to break your heart. The game begins in spring, when everything else begins again, and it blossoms in the summer, filling the afternoons and evenings, and then as soon as the chill rains come, it stops and leaves you to face the fall alone. ~ A. Bartlett Giamatti

Fun With Telemarketers While Stuck at Home

As Mark Twin once observed, “We are cursed to live in interesting times.”  Things lately have definitely gotten “interesting.”  It appears that the majority of us are sort of stuck at home for  the time being.  We might miss the interaction with other people that we were used to.  In our effort to fill that void there might be some help from an unlikely source – telemarketers. With  a little preparation you can turn what used to be an annoying interruption into a welcome diversion.

These days a ,lot of robocalls are so-called smart robocalls, they are setup to make you think that it is alive person on the other end; however it simply has built in responses to common questions.  “Is Betty there?” or “I was about to give up on someone answering” are a couple of ways these calls tend to start.  If I get one of these calls, I try to see how quickly I can ask questions that the program has no response for.  Asking “Who were you calling?” usually begins to send the program off track.  You could ask anything, the more offbeat the better.  The goal when you get one of these is to get the “recording” to hang up on you in three questions or less. 

The process is more challenging and potentially more fun when there is a real person that you are talking to.  Your options here are limited only by your imagination.  Here are a few ideas to get you started:

Ask him/her if he/she has ever met Jake from State Farm and if he/she might be wearing khakis?

If you are asked “How are you today?” Say  “I’m so glad you asked because no one seems to understand me these days and then tell them, in minute detail, about your last trip to the grocery store.

If he/she states they are John/Joan Smith from Acme Company, ask them to spell their name.  Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is>> located.  Ask them how the weather is there, ask them if they can find toilet paper and bread at the grocery.  Ask them if they took their temperature before going to work.  Ask them if there is anyone within six feet. Keep asking questions as long as you get answers.

When they tell you their name, cry out in surprise, “John/Joan  Is that really you? Oh my goodness!  It certainly has been a long time!  Are the authorities still looking for you? 

If they say you qualify for a lower rate on your credit card, tell them that is great becasue you really do not have a clue what your balance is and you just throw the statements away when they come.   

Tell the telemarketer that with all this Covid-19 stuff going on, you are not suppossed to leave the house, so ask the telemarketer if you are on “home incarceration” and ask if they would swing by the grocery and bring you a few things.

Tell the him/her that at the moment you are working from home but if he/she will give you their HOME phone number, you will call back as soon as you are off work.

No matter what they say, insist that the caller is really your buddy Bill/Betty playing a  joke on you.“Come on Bill/Betty, cut it out!  Seriously, remember when we were in high school and used to make prank calls?”

If they say they are from Microsoft or Apple, tell them it is about time, you have been waiting for their call and make up questions around bogus tech lingo. “I think I got a faulty Flux Capacitors in my device. Should I swap out my old mother board for a new one with anamantium chips?”

Tell them that someone is at your door and ask “Can you hold on a minute?”  Walk a couple of feet away from the phone and then begin an argument with the fictitious visitor. Come back in a couple of minutes to see if they are still on the line. Repeat.

Every time you are asked a question or there is a pause in the conversation say, “I know who you are and I saw what you did.”

Tell the person that you are currently running for President and ask them if they would be willing to make a $25 donation to your campaign.

Friday Funny March 20, 2020 Stay Patient and Laugh

Happy Friday! Congratulations on surviving another week!  The world has been pretty crazy lately, but we do what we can to carry on.  My task at hand is to bring a chuckle to your Friday!

Enjoy! and Wash Your Hands!!

I had my patience tested today.  It came back negative

I went to get a haircut from an impatient barber, he cut it short.

I picked up a book by an impatient scientist, it’s about time.

I was at the doctor’s office and in the waiting room there was this very tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, the doctor saw me first. I guess he just had to be a little patient.

What did an impatient pot of water say to the noodles? Udon!?

What did the impatient vegetarian say to the waiter? Get me soup and make it snap pea!!

Is it true that an impatient communist’s favorite fish is Red Snapper?

Is it true that impatient people hate to go to the gym because of the weights?

A few weeks ago, I was at a restaurant.  I started to get impatient waiting on my food so I caught the waiter’s attention as he rushed by and asked. “How long will my spaghetti be?” He replied, “I don’t know. We don’t measure it.”

How many bricks do you need to screw in a light bulb?  Just two, but you need a lot of patience and a lot of light bulbs.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“There are three secrets to managing. The first secret is have patience. The second is be patient. And the third most important secret is patience.” ~  John McGraw, Legendary Baseball Manager

 

Friday Funny March 13, 2020 Keep Calm and Laugh

Happy Friday! Congratulations on surviving this unusual week!  There are many things to choose from to worry about this week whether it is getting your taxes done, watching your retirement funds plummet or trying to avoid the corona-virus, there is no shortage of options.  So, just for a moment take a breath and try to keep your wits even if those around you are losing theirs.

(Try to) Enjoy!

Do people still run away and join the circus?  Asking for a friend.

A friend of men told me I was delusional; I almost fell off my unicorn.

It may be just a matter of time before they add the word “syndrome” to my last name.

The only sane people left are you and me and I am beginning to have my doubts about you.

I tried to be normal once, it was the worst ten minutes of my life.

I am fine, the rest of you could use some help.

This too shall pass, it might pass like a kidney stone, but it will pass.

I lost my mind several years ago, but it does send me the occasional postcard.

There is a fine line between genius and crazy, I like to use that line as a jump rope.

Some folks aren’t just missing a screw, they are missing the whole toolbox.

You can tell a lot about a person from their favorite book.  Swiping their phone and reading their texts also works.

Some people say you can tell a lot about a man by the shoes he’s wearing.  I say you can tell a lot about a person by the simplistic means they use to make judgments about people.

Trying to understand some people is like trying to smell the color 9.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“If the world comes to an end, I want to be in Cincinnati. Everything comes there ten years later. “ ~ Mark Twain