Friday Funny April 27, 2018 Pirate Jokes

Happy Friday!  This evening I say a very nice production of Treasure Island, so of course I have to offer up a few pirate jokes this week,

Enjoy!

Q: Why don’t pirates shower before they walk the plank?   A: Because they’ll just wash up on shore later.

Q: How do pirates know that they are pirates?  A: They think, therefore they ARRRR!!!!!

Q: How did the pirate get his Jolly Roger so cheaply?  A: He bought it on sail.

Q: What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A: A nervous wreck.

Q: How do pirates communicate with each other?  A: With Aye-Phones of course.

Q: What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?  A: Aye Matey. 

Q: How do you save a drowning pirate?  A: With C P ARRRRRRRRR. 

Q: Why didn’t the 13-year-old go to the pirate movie?  A: Because it was rated arrrrr .

Q: What did the pirate say when his wooden leg got stuck in the freezer?  A: Shiver me timbers!

————————————————————————————————————————–

A pirate walks into a restaurant wearing a paper towel on his head.

The hostess greets him and asks, “Excuse me, but why are you wearing a paper towel?”
“Arrr…” says the pirate. “I’ve got a bounty on me head!”

————————————————————————————————————————

One Pirate turns to another and says “arrr!”
The other says “You know, I was just thinkin’ the same thing matey”

Thought for the Week

“There is more treasure in books than in all the pirate’s loot on Treasure Island.” ~ Walt Disney

 

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Friday Funny April 20, 2018 Stop Me If You Have Heard These

Happy Friday!  I hope you have had a great week.  Do you ever have one of those weeks where you feel like you have been through all of this before?  Well if it has been a Deja vu week, then these should hit the spot…again.

Well if it has been a Deja vu week, then these should hit the spot…again.

Enjoy!

Deja flu:  That odd feeling that you are getting sick, again.

Deja boo: That scared feeling you get at the same point of a horror movie no matter how many times you have seen it before.

Deja clue: That odd feeling that Professor Plum has done it in the library with the candlestick before.

Deja do: That odd feeling that you have had this haircut before.

Deja eau: That odd feeling that you already bought this perfume for your wife.

Deja fu: That odd feeling that you have been kicked in the head like this before.

Deja who: That odd feeling that you have forgotten this person’s name before.

Deja coupe:  That odd feeling that you have driven this car before.

Deja moo: That odd feeling that you have heard this crap before.

Deja rue: That odd feeling you have regretted this before.

Deja stew: That odd feeling that the meat in this goulash was dinner several nights before.

Deja Que:  That odd feeling that you have stood in this line before.

Deja Blue:  That odd feeling that you have been down in the dumps like this before.

Deja few:  That odd feeling that you have not fit in with this crowd before.

Deja hue:  That odd feeling that you just painted a room the exact same color it was.

Deja pew:  That odd feeling you get when someone is sitting in “your spot” at church.

Deja whew:  That odd feeling you get when you realize you just skirted disaster again.

Thought for the Week

“This is like Deja vu all over again” ~ Yogi Berra

 

Friday Funny April 13, 2018 Timely Humor

Happy Friday the 13th!  Never fear, there will be no triskaidekaphobia here just a few quick jokes to help you pass the time this Friday.

Enjoy!

I realized that I cannot see an end. I have no control and I don’t think there’s an escape. Plus I don’t have a home anymore. It is definitely time to replace my keyboard.

When a was a kid I threw a boomerang away. I live in fear to this day.

Time is a great teacher but a lousy beautician.

Those who do not learn from the pasta are doomed to reheat it.

I once dated a girl who would hit me with stringed instruments. I wish I had known about her history of violins.

I feel more like I do now that I did a little while ago.

They say that all the dinosaurs were wiped out by an asteroid hitting the earth 66 million years ago. That is tragic, but you do wonder why they were all standing in the same place.

The other day I ran into an old friend. I noticed he had 8 watches on one wrist and 4 on the other. He said that lately he had a lot of time on his hands.

The other day I ran into an analytical young man who was not very successful in romantic relationships. He tried to get to the root cause, he made a graph of all his past relationships, it has an ex axis and a why axis.

The other day and I making my lunch and as I was putting mustard on my sandwich and I had that strange feeling I had already done that. I think it was Dijon-vu!

I have an 8:30 dinner reservation tonight. That’s like midnight in middle-age time.

The next time the devil reminds you of your past, remind him of his future.

I was going to add a few jokes some about watches and clocks, but I ran out of time.

Thought for the Week

The time is always right to do what is right. ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.

Friday Funny April 6, 2018 Partly Sunny With A Slight Chance of Humor

Happy Friday!  I hope you have had a great week.  Spring seems to be a bit bashful about making an extended appearance this year.  I thought this would be a great time to share some spring jokes, but apparently they are as hard to find as a warm, sunny day this week.  But I tried.

Enjoy!

Did you hear about the lady who went outside with her purse open because she expected some change in the weather?

Did you hear about the cloud that was always getting in trouble because he never took anything cirrus?

Would you call dangerous precipitation a rain of terror?

The other day I tried to catch fog. I mist.

Did you hear about the gardener who was so excited about spring that the he wet his plants.

Would you call a girl with a frog on her head Lily?

Spring is the time of year when the flower business is blooming.

If you arrested a tornado and took it to jail would you put it in a high-pressure cell?

What did the hurricane say to the other hurricane? I have my eye on you.

Is the opposite of a cold front a warm back?

Thought for the Week

“If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant: if we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome.” ~ Anne Bradstreet

Friday Funny March 30, 2018 April Fools Day

Happy Friday! Happy Easter!  Happy Passover! and, by the way, Happy April Fool’s Day.  Take advantage of this rare occurrence by having some unique April Fool’s Day fun.  How might you do this?  I am so glad you asked and am happy to offer the following suggestions.

Enjoy!

Put googly eyes on everything in the refrigerator.

Put Jelly Beans in your ice dispenser.

Place a tiny small piece of tape over the laser sensor on the underside the computer mouse.

Flip the Computer Screen – “Ctrl+Alt+Down Arrow” will flip everything on the monitor – “Ctrl+Alt+Up Arrow” to undo.

Hide a baby monitor or walkie-talkie in a closet or ceiling and meow or bark into it.

Hide Peeps. Everywhere – in shoes, drawers, coffee mugs. The more stale they get, the better they taste so the longer it takes to find them, the better.

Hollow chocolate bunnies are disappointing, so fill a small, hollow chocolate bunny with mustard.

Have the usual Easter Egg Hunt, just don’t hide any eggs.

Be creative in what you put in the eggs this year – it is great time to get rid of any leftover Halloween or Christmas candy or instead of candy fill the eggs with baby carrots, broccoli, empty candy wrappers, play money.

Take your piggy bank to church and empty it into the offering plate or give your offering entirely in pennies.

Thought for the Week

“The resurrection blasts apart the finality of death, providing an alternative to the stifling, settling dust of death and opens the way to new life.” ~ Billy Graham

Friday Funny March 23, 2018 An Ode to Old Man Winter

Happy Friday! Happy Spring!!  Congratulations, you have survived the winter of 2017-2018, or at least you thought it was over. 

It seems as though Old Man Winter will vent his wrath once more this weekend which makes it a good time to dust off one of the more “classical” Friday Funnies.  Stay warm and stay safe this weekend.  Spring will come soon, you have my word.

Enjoy!

An ODE TO OLD MAN WINTER

(with an apology to William Shakespeare)

This hath surely been a winter of discontent,

Old Man Winter hath chilled us ‘till we have turned blue,

He hath sleeted on us time and time again,

He hath made us sore from fortnight after fortnight of shoveling,

He hath iced our walks ‘till we have fallen down yonder slippery slope,

And he has wronged us time and time again!

What’s in a name? That which we call winter by any other name would feel just as cold.

To thaw or not to thaw: that is the question:

Whether ‘tis Nobler in the mind and body to suffer

The wind chills and snow storms of an outrageous winter,

Or to take up plow and salt against this season of troubles?

Frost-bitten Friends, Raw Romans, chilled countrymen, lend me your ear muffs;

I come to bury Old Man Winter, not to praise him.

The wrath of winter often lingers on;

The good is oft forgotten;

So let it be with Old Man Winter.

The Nobel Weatherman hath told you Old Man Winter was historic:

If it were so, it was a grievous fault,

And grievously hath Old Man Winter answer’d it.

He was hardly my friend, not to me nor to any of you:

But yon Weatherman says he was historic;

And yon Weatherman is an honorable man.

Some winters are great, some winters achieve greatness, and some winters are just a royal pain.

One touch of Old Man Winter makes the whole world cold.

You all did welcome him once, but he wore out said welcome:

You all do know this mantle: I remember

The first time ever Old Man Winter put it on;

‘Twas on a late fall’s evening, in his tent,

That day he overcame the Winter Solstice:

Look, in this place ran El Nino’s dagger through:

See what a rent the envious Polar Vortex made:

Through this the much-anticipated Warm Front stabbed;

And as he plucked his cursed steel away,

Which all the while ran melting snow, great Old Man Winter fell.

O, what a fall was there, my countrymen!

Then I, and you, and all of us sunk down in the slush,

Here was a Winter! When comes such another?

Now let it work. Spring, thou art afoot,

Take thou what course thou wilt!

Thought for the Week

It was one of those March days when the sun shines hot and the wind blows cold: when it is summer in the light, and winter in the shade.  ~Charles Dickens, Great Expectations

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Friday Funny March 16, 2018 St. Patrick’s Day

Happy Friday!  Happy last weekend of Winter!  Happy St. Patrick’s Day!  In honor of the “wearin’ ‘o the green”  here are a few jokes that just might have you Dublin over with laughter.

Enjoy!

If you crossed poison ivy with a four-leaf clover would you get a rash of good luck?

If you crossed a pillowcase with a stone would you get a sham rock?

If you crossed a leprechaun with a Texan would you find a pot of chili at the end of the rainbow?

Do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick’s Day because regular rocks are too heavy?

Did St. Patrick drive all the snakes out of Ireland because he couldn’t afford air fare?

Would you call a big Irish spider a paddy-long-legs?

Would you call an Irishman bouncing off the walls Rick O’Shay?

Would you call a leprechaun who gets sent to jail a lepre-con?

Would you call a clumsy Irish dance a jig mistake?

Just remember – St. Patrick’s Day puns don’t just shame you, they Seamus all.

Thought for the Week

“May your blessings outnumber
The shamrocks that grow,
And may trouble avoid you
Wherever you go.”
~Irish Blessing