Friday Funny May 7, 2021 Last of the Marathon Jokes

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Happy Friday! I hop e this has been a good week for you. In October 2002 I ran my first marathon. Last Saturday I ran my last, at least I am pretty sure it was my last. 26.2 miles is more than I ever thought I would run or ever wanted to run, but I enjoyed it more than I imagined I would. But, alas, age just might be catching up with me a little bit and the training just ain’t no fun no more, so I say this is it for long distance running. So let’s kick off the weekend with a little marathon humor.

Enjoy!

Training for a marathon is hard work, but it will be good for you in the long run.

Word of advice:  do not mess with a marathoner – they run the streets.

I have had a habit of using the same puns every marathon, it is kind of a running joke.

Now that I have run marathons, my work signed me up for a 401K.

I have run my last marathon, but now I am going to treat every day like I will be running a marathon tomorrow.  I am going to rest a lot and really load up on carbs!

I injured myself during an Ironman marathon the other day. Guess I got up off the couch too fast during the third film.

I heard they were trying to organize an oompah loompay marathon; however, contestants are running short.

Did you hear about the marathon runner who was sprinting at the start of the race? Apparently his pacemaker was malfunctioning.

Did you hear about that guy who planned to ran a marathon on railroad tracks? He trained a lot, but got distracted.

Did you hear that Paul McCartney has been disqualified from London Marathon? Seems he was banned on the run.

One thing you can say about Charity Marathons, they give you a run for your money.

A friend told me that he and his girlfriend broke up after they ran a marathon together.  He was pretty heartbroken, but said they had a good run.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“If you want to run, run a mile. If you want to experience a different life, run a marathon.” ~ Emil Zatopek

Friday Funny April 30, 2021 Email Humor

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Happy Friday! We are now one-third of the way through 2021! If you are like me, there are a lot of emails that appear on a daily basis in your inboxes. Some are informative, some are interesting, some are funny, some are annoying and many are superfluous. If you can’t beat ’em, laugh at ’em. So, let’s kick off with Friday with a few email jokes.

Enjoy!

My wife emailed me our wedding photos, but I couldn’t open any of the files. Seems I am having trouble with emotional attachments.

I asked my Spanish colleague if he could include me on an email.  He replied, “CC.”

If you get an email with the heading “Find out what everyone was talking about in 2020” don’t open it – it’s a virus.

I received an email from Google Earth proudly stating that they can now read maps backwards.  I thought to myself, “Well, that’s just spam.”

If an attorney was offering advice via the internet would that be considered E-legal?

I heard that in Russia, you cannot sign onto Facebook using your email, instead you have to use your ussrname.

If you give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.  If you teach a man to phish, he will start emailing people telling them he’s a Nigerian Prince.

I received an email the other day from a guy claiming to be an Egyptian Pharaoh, it turned out to just be a pyramid scheme.

I received an email the other day with the heading “$50 to see Justin Bieber Live!” and I wondered, “Why do I they think I would pay his ransom?”

Would the patron saint of emails be St Francis of a CC?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Science has not yet found a cure for the pun.” ~Robert Byrne, The 637 Best Things Anybody Ever Said, 1982

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Friday Funny April 23, 2021 Money Funnies

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Happy Friday! With tax day behind us, it is time to laugh all the way to the Bank or at least laugh a little about money.

Enjoy!

Is it true that dinosaurs paid their bills with Tyrannosaurus checks?

Is it true that money is called dough because we all knead it?

Have you ever noticed that a study of economics usually reveals that the best time
to buy anything was last year?

Is a good definition of an economist – an expert who will know tomorrow why the things
he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today?

If you really did profit from your mistakes, how rich would you be by now?

They say that Money talks, it seems be really good at saying “good-bye”.

They say that Covid is the cause of a coin shortage, but I think what we are really running short of is common cents.

The newest iPhone has facial recognition. It looked at my face and told me that I could not afford it.

My wife went to a number of different stores to find the best prices for herbs.  It seems like it was thyme well spent.

The number of internet scams are growing every day, but for $29.95 I can show you how to avoid them.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“The fellow who has no money is poor; the fellow who has nothing but money is poorer still.“

Friday Funny April 16, 2021 Tax Jokes

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Happy Friday! Congratulations if your 2020 Tax Returns have been filed and you can forget about them for awhile. If you filed an extension, then there are still “fun times” ahead for you this year. Either way, let’s have a little tax related humor this week.

Enjoy!

April 16, the day that Americans wake up in a daze from a case of intoxication.

Every year around April 15 many Americans have a rendezvous with debt.

Death and taxes may be inevitable, but death doesn’t repeat itself every April 15th.

You may not enjoy paying income taxes, but it could be worse.  What if you had to pay taxes based on that you think you are worth?

Doesn’t it seem like a misnomer that we call them “tax returns” when so little of it does.

It is said that a fool and his money are soon parted. For the rest of us it happens around April 15.

Have you ever noticed that a “slight tax increase” costs you about $500, while a “substantial tax cut” lowers your taxes by about $50.

I hear that the IRS is a great place to work. Everybody counts.

Is it true that Spiderman pays more income tax than all the other Superheros because he has more NET income?

Is it true that CPAs make better detectives than Sherlock Holmes because they make more deductions?

Did you hear about the CPA who decided to make a bold fashion statement and wore dark gray socks instead of light gray?

We just hired an ex-con, who was in prison for tax evasion, to do our landscaping.  Man, does he know how to cut corners!

I’d tell you some more tax jokes, but I doubt you would depreciate them.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.” ~Albert Einstein

Friday Funny April 9, 2021 I Am So Old

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Happy Friday! I gave into the nice weather this week and, ignoring my age, went to a softball practice. My mind thinks that I am still young while my body thinks my mind is crazy. So, I thought I would share how old I am feeling now.

Enjoy!

I am so old I remember when emojis were called “hieroglyphics.”

I am so old that I remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.

I am so old that I have started lying about my children’s ages.

I’ve reached that age where looking in the mirror is like watching the news. I know there’ll be some new developments I won’t like.

I’m aging like a fine banana.

I am so old that my blood type has expired.

I am so old I rewind movies on Hulu before I log out.

I am so old that I remember when “Old Spice” was just “Spice.”

I am so old that I knew Burger King when he was just a prince.

I am so old that I knew Cap’n Crunch when he was still a private.

I am so old that I knew Mr. Clean when he still had hair.

I am so old that I when I was a kid we dipped our fries in Heinz #4.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.” ~ Will Rogers

Friday Funny April 2, 2021 Hare Raising Humor

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Happy Friday! Happy Easter! Happy Passover! Here is wishing you a wonderful weekend.

Enjoy!

Do you know what the Easter Bunny gets for making a basket?  He gets two points, just like everyone else.

If you crossed the Easter Bunny with a leaf blower would you get a hare dryer?

Would you call a group of rabbits hopping backward a receding hare line?

I have heard that the only truly rich bunny is the one who realizes he has enough carrots.

I have heard that the Easter Bunny stays healthy through a strict regimen of Eggs-ercise, specifically hare-obics.

Did you hear what happened when 100 hares got loose on Main Street? The police had to comb the area.

Is it true that the favorite books for bunnies to read are the ones with hoppy endings?

Is it true the Easter Bunny does not use a comb, but instead he uses a hare brush?

Is it true after Easter the Easter Bunny will be working at IHOP?

Did you hear about the bunnies that went on strike in order to get a raise in celery?

Do you know how to catch a unique bunny? Unique up on it!

Do you know how to catch a tame bunny? The tame way!

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“For I remember it is Easter morn,
And life and love and peace are all new born.”
~Alice Freeman Palmer

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Friday Funny March 26, 2021 Spring Jokes

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Happy Friday! Congratulations – you have survived winter. Now spring is here and the hope of the world springing back to live.

Enjoy spring and some spring jokes!

Is it true that after the most common feeling among trees in the spring is re-leaf?

It is that time of year when my winter fat turns int o spring rolls.

I heard that you can tell the difference between spring rolls and summer rolls by their seasoning.

I saw a commercial that the furniture store was celebrating the end of winter with a spring sale; however, mattresses are still full price.

I have a friend who is a writer, each spring he suffers from a bad case of allegories.

I dread spring cleaning this time of year, I wish I’d never bought that Slinky.

The other day I put my foot through a trampoline, I have been walking with a spring in my step ever since.

Did you hear about the flower that could not ride a bike because it had lost its petals?

The spring onions that sprang up in yard have started singing hip hop, those little rap scallions.

I was working through the kitchen last night and thought that I could hear the spring onions singing a BeeGees song, it turned out that it was just the chives talking.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“If people did not love one another, I really don’t see what use there would be in having any spring.” ~ Victor Hugo

Friday Funny March 19, 2021 March Madness

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Happy Friday! This week, in honor of March Madness, we will tip off the weekend with some basketball jokes.

Enjoy!

This week I saw a woman in Walmart who had March Madness teeth, she was down to the final four!

Did the college basketball player sign up for a crafting class because he wanted to learn how to make baskets?

Is it true that basketball players eat donuts just so they can dunk them?

What is the difference between a star basketball player and time? Time passes.

Why did the college basketball coach only play 14 holes of golf with his team? Because they couldn’t make it to the Final Four.

If you invite flat-earther friend to play basketball will he show up with a frisbee?

Did you hear about the anti-vax basketball team that lost every game during the season?  Apparently, they never took any shots.

Was Cinderella such a bad basketball player because her coach was a pumpkin?

Did you hear about the basketball player who was having trouble with his bank account?  It seems all his checks were bouncing.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

I used to be addicted to March Madness, but I rebounded.

“There are really only two plays:  Romeo and Juliet, and put the darn ball in the basket.”  ~Abe Lemons

Friday Funny March 12, 2021 More Murphy’s Law Corollaries

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Happy Friday!  The big event this weekend is Springing Forward.  I have always wondered why the time does not take effect until 2:00AM, it always wears me out to stay up that late to change my clocks!  This week, let’s consider some corollaries to Murphy’s Law.

Enjoy!

The legibility of a copy is inversely proportional to its importance.

You can always find what you’re not looking for.

Of two possible events, only the undesired one will occur.

In front of every silver lining there is a cloud.

Any problem can be overcome given enough time and money; however, there is never enough time or money.

Brilliant ideas are seldom remembered while stupid statements are seldom forgotten.

Being dead right, does not make one less dead.

A bird in the hand is worth whatever someone will bid for it on eBay.

A committee has the capacity to make a decision that is worse than any of its members could make individually.

A penny saved is not worth as much as it used to be.

You can always find research will tend to support your theory.

You can always find what you’re not looking for.

Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune times.

For every vision there is an equal and opposite revision.

For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Every solution produces a new and opposite problem.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“In the end, everything will be okay. If it’s not okay, it’s not yet the end.” ~Fernando Sabino

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Friday Funny March 5, 2021 Do You See What I Did Here?

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Happy Friday! The days are getting a bit longer and a bit warmer, we can almost see the end of winter!  Seems like things that I go to look for have a habit of disappearing, so this week I picked out some disappearing jokes. Hope you see them before they are gone.

Enjoy!

Are bassists considered cowardly because they disappear at the first sign of treble?

Have you heard the one about the disappearing magician?  Apparently it was just a stage he was going through.

I saw a Mexican magician who said he was going to make himself disappear on the count of three.  He said, Uno.. Dos.. And then he vanished without a Tres.

Did the German Christmas cake disappear or was it stollen?

Do old magicians retire or do they simply disappear?

This morning my hands disappeared mysteriously.  I can’t really point my finger at what caused it.

I had a friend who landed a job at Finland’s national airline.  I have not heard from him for ages, it seems he just disappeared into Finnair.

One day I was out on a boat, some distance from the shore, when a massive hand suddenly rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared.  I thought, “Now that is the biggest wave I have ever seen.”

In the middle of the night, I had a vision of a fluffy, white lamb hovering at the foot of my bed, then it disappeared, as I lay frozen in fear. I think it might have been sheep paralysis.

Finally, a word of advice, never disappear, they are very sensitive fruits.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Most of us don’t need a psychiatric therapist as much as a friend to be silly with.” ~Robert Brault, rbrault.blogspot.com

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