Friday Funny January 5, 2018 Bad Dad Jokes

 

Happy Friday and Happy New Year!  We have closed the book on 2017 and are just beginning to turn the pages of 2018.  Here is wishing you a happy and prosperous year.!

One of my sons gave me a book of Dad Jokes for Christmas so, of course, I want to share some of my favorite ones with you.

Enjoy!

Dad, last night I had a dream that I was a muffler.

Gee you must be exhausted.

 

Dad, what is the difference between a numerator and a denominator?

It is a short line and only a fraction of people understand that.

 

Dad, can a dog operate an MRI machine?

Nope, only catscan.

 

Dad, have you ever been to Prague?

No, but I have always wanted to Czeck it out.

 

Dad, I just cut my finger cutting the cheese.

It sounds like you have a grater problem here.

 

Dad, if you could have any superpower in the world what would it be?

China.

 

Dad, I need you help, I think I am addicted to social media.

Sorry, I don’t follow you.

 

Dad, have you heard of this new restaurant called Karma?

I heard they don’ t even have a menu, you just get what you deserve.

 

Dad, isn’t there a team of dairy farmers in your bowling league?

Yes, their name is “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Gutter.”

 

Dad, Tommy called me average.

Well, that just sounds mean.

 

Thought for the Week

“I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.” ~Fred Allen

http://www.quotegarden.com

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Friday Funny December 29, 2017 New Year’s Resolutions

Happy Friday!  It is hard to believe that another year is coming to an end.  But a new year will bring new opportunities.  Here is wishing you a joyful and meaningful 2018 and, just in case you need some ideas for a New Year’s Resolution, I am happy to offer some suggestions.

Enjoy!

New Year’s Resolutions

 I resolve to learn to play a musical instrument – the bagpipes!

I resolve to be more decisive… perhaps.

I resolve to learn how to annoy more people in more ways in the New Year.

I resolve to eat my weight in chocolate during 2018.

I resolve to add more color to my diet – at least one bag of Skittles or M&Ms a day should do the trick.

I resolve not text messages to anyone who is within 100 feet of my location.

I resolve to limit myself to seven e-mail addresses, five Facebook profiles and three Twitter accounts.

I resolve to stop sending e-mails to myself.

I resolve to work with neglected children — my own.

I resolve to chat with my spouse live instead of on Facebook.

I resolve to not say, “LOL… LOL!” out loud when I hear something funny.

I resolve to balance my checkbook… on my nose.

I resolve to read either “War and Peace” or “Green Eggs and Ham”.

I resolve to stop procrastinating in 2019.

My New Year resolution is: 1024 by 968 pixels.

Thought for the Week

“Every time you tear a leaf off a calendar, you present a new place for ideas and progress.” ~ Charles Kettering

Friday Funny December 22, 2017 What To Say If You Do Not Like a Gift

Happy Friday and Merry Christmas.  Wishing you and yours a great weekend and a joyous Christmas.  However, I know some of you may be on the receiving end of a gift that just does not thrill you, never fear – here are some things to keep in mind if you have one of those awkward moments.

Enjoy!

Now THAT’s a gift alright!

I don’t think I’ve ever seen one quite like this.

Well, well, well… 

Never in my wildest dreams did I expect that you would get me one of these.

I never would have guessed this was what was in that box.

This is really great, but my doctor says having one will aggravate my allergies.

Gosh, I sure hope this never catches fire! 

I Love it, but I fear the jealousy it will inspire. 

It is so thoughtful of you to remember that I wear (socks, sweaters. etc.)

Unfortunately there is an old city code that prohibits these where I live. 

You know, I REALLY don’t deserve this. 

This is so unique; do you have one too?

This is just so ….wonderful, thank you! Where on earth did you find it?

This is just great…what exactly does it do?

I know exactly where I can put this.

Thanks so much, you know I never would have purchased this for myself.

This is so interesting, thank you.

Thought for the Week

I heard the bells on Christmas day
Their old familiar carols play,
And wild and sweet the words repeat
Of peace on earth, good will to men.

And thought how, as the day had come,
The belfries of all Christendom
Had rolled along the unbroken song
Of peace on earth, good will to men.

Till ringing, singing on its way
The world revolved from night to day,
A voice, a chime, a chant sublime
Of peace on earth, good will to men.

And in despair I bowed my head
“There is no peace on earth,” I said,
“For hate is strong and mocks the song
Of peace on earth, good will to men.”

Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:
“God is not dead, nor doth He sleep;
The wrong shall fail, the right prevail
With peace on earth, good will to men.”

~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

 

Friday Funny December 15, 2017 More Holiday Cheer

Happy Friday!  Happy Hanukkah to my Jewish friends!  We are closing out the last days of fall with winter and Christmas knocking on the door.  I’m pining for a Christmas tree to spruce up the place.  So bundle up for some more seasonal humor.

Enjoy!

Would you call someone who can’t stop thinking about past Christmases Santa-mental?

Would you call a reindeer ghost a cari-boo?

Is eggnog really all that it is cracked up to be?

Should you eat broken candy canes or only the ones that are in mint condition?

Did you hear about the mall Santa who lost his job? He was fired for Claus.

Would you call an elf that runs away from Santa’s Workshop a rebel without a Claus?

Did you know that Elves are very defensive about the shape of their ears? They do have a point.

Did Santa’s helper improve his toy making skills by reading a elf-help book?

If a child does not learn to tie his shoes properly does he end up on the knotty list?

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?  It’s Christmas, Eve

Thought for the Week

“Christmas is a season for kindling the fire for hospitality in the hall, the genial flame of charity in the heart.” ~ Washington Irving

Friday Funny December 8, 2017 Holiday Eating Tips

Happy Friday!  The holiday party season is in full swing.  It is that time of year when are tempted day in and day out by an endless array of delicious goodies.  So, as your approach this holiday season, I thought I would offer you some useful holiday eating tips.

Enjoy!

1. Avoid vegetable trays. Anyone who puts a vegetable tray on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit (or just can’t cook).   A vegetable tray might be acceptable if it is accompanied with high calorie, artery-clogging dip. Otherwise save the vegetable tray for January when that New Year’s Diet begins.

2.  Remember that this is the time of year when just about anything can be covered with gravy or chocolate sauce.  However, I would avoid using both on the same food item.

3.  If something comes with gravy, especially giblet gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Get more mashed potatoes and create a gravy moat surrounding your island of mashed potatoes.  Go ahead and play with your food, you know you want to.  (Sit a safe distance away from anyone who makes models of the “Devil’s Tower” out of mashed potatoes.)

4. Nutritionists tell us that a healthy diet includes color on the plate, especially reds, yellows and greens.  So, just to be safe, add a handful of M&M’s to each plate of food you have.

5. Fruit and nuts are an important part of your diet.  So do not skimp on the apple pie, cherry pie and pecan pie.

6.Forget the exercise routine until January when you have nothing else to do and you have started that diet. You will get plenty of exercise doing laps around the buffet table  while carrying a 10-pound plate of food in each hand..

7.The Magic of Christmas eliminates all of the calories from homemade cookies, fudge, peanut brittle, pies, cakes , dinner rolls and cinnamon rolls.  So enjoy to your heart’s desire but only if they are homemade.

8. We know oatmeal is good for you so do not skip it this holiday season.  I prefer my oatmeal in the form of oatmeal chocolate chip cookies.

9. Remember there are limits on how much you can eat.  So do not waste any of your calorie capacity on fruitcake or mincemeat pie.  (You would be better off with a vegetable tray.)

10. One final tip: If you can comfortably get up from the table, you’re not trying hard enough.  You have trained all year for this, don’t give up now!

Thought for the Week

Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn’t before!
“Maybe Christmas,” he thought, “doesn’t come from a store.”
“Maybe Christmas…perhaps…means a little bit more!” ~ Dr. Seuss

Friday Funny December 1, 2017 A Christmas Joke Double Header

Happy Friday and Happy December!  With the holiday season upon us, it is only fitting to break out a couple of seasonal jokes.

Enjoy!

The Young Man and the Tree

One day, a young man came home to discover that his wife had put up the Christmas decorations.  There were bright lights around the outside of the house.  There were large, red stockings hung by the chimney and a large green wreath on the door. 

When he walked into the family room, he saw a beautiful, tall Christmas tree.  However, he noticed that, despite all the other elaborate decorations around the house, the Christmas tree appeared to be untouched.  He found this a bit puzzling, so he asked his s wife who coyly replied that she had indeed finished decorating the tree. 

He looked again at the tree and carefully walked around only to affirm that there were no ornaments or lights on the tree.  This time; however, he did notice that on just one branch there was hanging one single shotgun shell.  Well this really made him wonder.  He went back and asked his wife what the meaning of this strange tree was.  She simply smiled and said, “Isn’t it obvious dear?  Why what you are looking at is a cartridge in a bear tree!”

A Trip to the Dentist

A man goes to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, “It looks like that new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is already eroding. What have you been eating?”

The man replies, “Nothing that different.  The only thing I can think of is that, about four months ago, my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious .  It was Hollandaise sauce.  It was great.  I asked her to start putting it on everything – meat, toast, fish, vegetables.  I guess now I eat it on just about everything.

“Well,” says the dentist, “there is the problem.  You see Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly acidic and corrosive. That is what has eaten away your upper plate. But, never fear, I have a solution.  I’ll make you a new plate, and this time I will use chrome.”

“Why chrome?” asks the patient.

And the dentist says, “It’s simple.  Everyone knows that there’s no plates like chrome for the Hollandaise!”

Thought for the Week

Christmas is a season not only of rejoicing but of reflection. ~ Winston Churchill

Friday Funny November 24, 2017 Less Filling Jomes

Happy Friday!  I hope you had a good Thanksgiving.  If you are like me you are still full from all of the goodies.  The holiday season is upon us and it hard to turn away from the great food that seems to show up everyday from now through the end of the year.  So, while this a bad time to go on a diet, at least it is time for me to THINK about going on a diet.

Enjoy!

My idea of a balanced diet is a Big Mac in each hand. 

I’ve been on the rotation diet. Every time I turn around I eat.

I’m thinking about trying the Dr. Doolittle Diet – talking to my food instead of eating it. 

I think it is time to try the cheese diet, I need to cheddar a few pounds. 

I tried the garlic diet, I did not lose much weight, but from a distance my friends thought I looked thinner. 

In my dieting effort, I went to the paint store, I heard you can get thinner there.

You think dieting is easy, let me tell you it is definitely not a piece of cake. 

Diets are for people who are thick and tired of it. 

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter. 

What do you call a fascist vegan? Lactose intolerant. 

Thought for the Week

As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them. ~John Fitzgerald Kennedy

http://www.quotegarden.com