Friday Funny February 26, 2021 Humor to the Highest Bidder

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Happy Friday!  The sun was out this week and melted most of our snow, I think I can make it to spring!  With spring comes spring cleaning and I have found that eBay is a great place to get rid of some of that stuff that has just been laying around gathering dust for years.  So, let’s laugh all the way to the Bank with some eBay jokes this week.

Enjoy!

I am not sold on how easy eBay is to use.  I tried to look up lighters, but all they had was 14,245 matches.

If the Pope purchased something on eBay would he pay for it using PaPal?

I saw a 65 inch tv on eBay, the description stated that the volume was stuck on full. The Buy It Now price was $10, I thought I just cannot turn this down.

I decided to list my vacuum cleaner on eBay, it was just collecting dust.

I bought some balloons years ago and decided to sell them recently on eBay, of course I did adjust the price for inflation.

If Neil Diamond purchased a Saab on eBay would you say he got a Swede car online?

Today I got lost in eBay, it felt like the Amazon in there.

I am considering selling my collection of John Lennon memorabilia on eBay, I can just imagine all the PayPal.

If you purchased a good deal of “Happy Days” memorabilia on eBay but it never arrived would you be the victim of a Fonzie scheme?

I  was told that I can’t use eBay anymore.  I don’t know why exactly, they just said it was for biddin’.

I was going to tell you another joke about  eBay, but you probably would not get until the middle of next week.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Get rid of clutter and you may just find it was blocking the door you’ve been looking for.” ~Katrina Mayer, KatrinaMayer.com

http://WWW.QUOTEGARDEN.COM

Friday Funny February 19, 2021 Cold Hard Humor

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Happy Friday!  Let me send you warm thoughts as so many of us are dealing with quite inclement weather this week.  We can complain about it or we can laugh about it.

Enjoy!

This week, while it snowed, I’ve just been staring through the window, I am hoping that eventually my wife will let me in.

Think about it – does a snowman really need a scarf?

It has been so cold this week that I had to break the smoke off my chimney.

It has been is so cold this week that I am shivering like a mobster in a tax office.

It has been so cold this week that I saw an Amish guy buying an electric blanket.

It was so cold that I tried lighting a fire in my small boat but it caught fire and sunk, turned out that I could not have my kayak and heat it too.

Would you call a cold crocodile a refrigergator?

Justice is a dish best served cold because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.

I saw a hipster walking outside in the cold with no coat on, he said that he had gone outside before it was cool.

For use in winter, I invented a cold air balloon, it just never took off.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

Snowflakes are one of nature’s most fragile things, but just look what they can do when they stick together. ~Vista M. Kelly

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny February 12, 2021 Romantic Ruminations

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Happy Friday!  Just in case you have not looked at a calendar lately, Sunday is February 14th and that means it is Valentine’s Day.  I gathered a few interesting thoughts about love for you to ponder between now and then.

Enjoy!

“Love is sharing your popcorn.” ~ Charles Schultz

“Gravitation can’t be held responsible for people falling in love.” ~ Albert Einstein

“Love doesn’t make the world go round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile.” ~ Franklin P. Jones

“I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” ~ Rita Rudner

“It is not love that makes a relationship complicated; it’s the people in it who do.” ~ Unknown

“I love you more than coffee, but please don’t make me prove it.” ~ Elizabeth Evans

“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.” ~ Charles M. Schulz

“Love is a two-way street constantly under construction.” ~ Carroll Bryant

“I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.” ~ Steven Wright

“People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.” ~ Bob Hope

 “Love is being stupid together.” ~ Paul Valery

“Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby- awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess.” ~ Lemony Snicket

“Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke.” ~ Lynda Barry

“My most brilliant achievement was my ability to persuade my wife to marry me.” ~ Winston Churchill

“When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.” ~ Mark Twain

“Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there.” ~ George Burns

“The heart has its reasons, of which reason knows nothing.” ~ Blaise Pascal

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK 

“Love means nothing in tennis, but it’s everything in life.” ~ Unknown

Friday Funny February 5, 2021 Career Changes

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Happy Friday!  The first part of a new year often has folks thinking about career changes.  At times I have considered some changes as well.

Enjoy!

I considered working at the helium factory but I simply refused to be spoken to in that tone.

I thought about getting into astronomy, there is a field that seems to be looking up.

I considered being a telemarketer, but decided it just was not my calling.

I thought about changing to archeology, but my plans ended in ruins.

I considered being a chemist, but I found that it was not the right solution.

I tried my hand at being a sculptor, but I lost all my marbles.

I considered a job as a waiter, at least it would allow me to put food on the table.

I considered switching to a career in mathematics but I discovered I was past my prime.

For a long time, I considered being a lawyer, but it lost its appeal.

I was on the path to be a train conductor, but I got side-tracked.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“To be successful, you have to have your heart in your business, and your business in your heart.”  ~Thomas J. Watson

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny January 29, 2021 Dinosaur Jokes

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Happy Friday!  Congratulations – you have made it to the last Friday of January!  Your reward consists of some jokes that have been millions of years in the making.

Enjoy!

Would you call a dinosaur in high heels a Myfeetaresaurus?

Would you call a vision impaired dinosaur a Doyouthinkhsaurs?

Would you call a dinosaur who is a noisy sleeper a Brontosnorus?

Would you call a dinosaur car accident a tyrannosaurus wreck?

Would you call the former boyfriend/girlfriend of a dinosaur a Tyrannosaurus Ex?

Would you call a dinosaur that knows a lot of words a Thesaurus?

Would you call a dinosaur that asks a lot of deep questions a Philosiraptor?

Would you call a dinosaur who never gives up a Try-try-try-ceratops?

Would you What is the head of an Italian dinosaur crime family a Ptera Don?

Would you call the scariest dinosaur a The Terrordactyl?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“You can only come to the morning through the shadows.” ~J.R.R. Tolkien

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny January 22, 2021 Computer Jokes

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Happy Friday – already three weeks down in 2021!  Let’s kick off this Friday with a few computer related jokes chosen especially for you.

Enjoy!

Is it true that you should not use “beef stew” as a computer password because it is not stroganoff?

Was the computer tired when it got home from work because it had a hard drive?

If you crossed a computer programmer with an athlete would you get a disk-us thrower?

Is it true that a computer’s favorite music is Disk-O?

I read a news story about some computer hackers who escaped from the scene of their crime.  Apparently, they just ransomware.

Is it true that when computers want a snack, they prefer to eat chips?

If a doctor tells you that your eye injury was caused by staring at a computer screen for too long, you just might have a terminal disease.

Is it true that the computer crossed the road because it had been programmed by a chicken?

If you hold a hard drive to your ear can you hear the C:?

They say you are supposed to back up your files, but I still haven’t found reverse on my PC.

I had one more computer joke for you but it wasn’t funny. Not one bit.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“If Bill Gates had a dime for every time Windows crashes… oh, wait a minute, he already does.” ~Author Unknown

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny January 15, 2021 Doctor Jokes

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Happy Friday!  The cold, gray days of winter had me feeling a little down, so I went to the Doctor………

Enjoy!

I told the Doctor that I was suffering from hallucinations, he told me that I was only imagining it.

I told the Doctor that I felt like I was a tennis racket, he told me that I was too highly strung.

I told the Doctor that I felt like I was a DVD, he told me that he thought he had seen me before.

I told the Doctor that my stomach was sore, he told me to stop my belly aching.

I told the Doctor that I felt like a piano, he told me to hang on while he made some notes.

I told the Doctor that I had swallowed a spoon, he told me to relax and try not to stir.

I told the Doctor that I swallowed a roll of film, he told me not to worry, that nothing would develop.

I told the Doctor that I felt like a set of curtains, he told me to pull myself together.

I told the Doctor that I had a ringing in my ears, he told me to answer it.

I told the Doctor that I felt like I was a professional wrestler, he told me to get a grip on myself.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.” ~Erma Bombeck

http://WWW.QUOTEGARDEN.COM

Friday Funny January 8, 2021 A Not So Fond Farewell to 2020

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Happy Friday! I hope that 2021 is off to a nice start for you and here is hoping that it brings better things than 2020 did! Hopefully we will never experience another year like 2020 and it is not with much fondness that we bid it adieu.  As my of my favorite philosophers, the great Bugs Bunny once put it, “And don’t think it hasn’t been a little slice of heaven… ’cause it hasn’t.” So, let’s put 2020 in the rearview mirror on move on.

Enjoy!

2020   Turned us all into dogs. We roam the house all day looking for food. We are told “no” if we get too close to strangers. And we get really excited about car rides.

2020  Turned the world upside down: Old folks are sneaking out of the house, and their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors.

I heard a couple of grandmothers bragging about their precious little darlings. One proudly proclaimed, “My grandbabies are so good at social distancing, they won’t even call me.”

Is the difference between COVID-19 and Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet that one is a coronavirus and the other is a Verona crisis?

If you take your stimulus check and use it to buy baby chicks, could you say that got the money for nothing and the chicks for free?

With all this handwashing, I ran out of soap and body wash the other day and the only thing I could find was dish detergent – then it Dawned on me.

Is the difference between Humpty Dumpty and the year 2020 that one of them had a great fall?

I am not sure what animal the year 2020 was on the Chinese calendar but I’m pretty sure it has rabies.

In the future will we call those born in 2020 babydoomers?

When 2020 started Australia was on fire and over a billion animals were dead, little did we know that would be the feel good story of the year.

I’d tell you a coronavirus joke but you would have to wait a week to ten days to get it.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Drop the last year into the silent limbo of the past. Let it go, for it was imperfect, and thank God that it can go.” ~Author unknown

http://WWW.QUOTEGARDEN.COM

 

Friday Funny January 1, 2021 My Predictions

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Happy Friday! Happy New Years! Good Bye 2020!!

As we prepare for a new and hopefully better year, I dug out my crystal ball and as I gazed intently into it, I saw that the following are in store for 2021.  This time next year, you can pull this out and you will be amazed at the uncanny accuracy of my predictions.

Enjoy!

  • There will be weather on a daily basis, sometimes it will be severe.
  • The stock market will go up or perhaps it will go down.
  • A famous celebrity couple will break up.
  • Someone will predict the end of the world.
  • We will see some technological advancements.
  • Your Chia Pet will not survive the new year.
  • In many parts of the country the temperature will be above or below normal.
  • There will be hiccups in the recovery if the economy.
  • You probably will not lose that 20 pounds you plan on losing.
  • The CDC Guidelines on COVID will change.
  • There will be upheaval somewhere in the world.
  • The Cincinnati Bengals will not be in the Super Bowl.
  • There will be a major data breach that impacts millions of people.
  • The price of a gallon of gas will fluctuate.
  • More than one famous person will die unexpectedly.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Write it on your heart that every day is the best day in the year.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

The Night Before Christmas In The Digital Age

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Merry Christmas Eve! Wishes you and yours a very Merry Christmas!

Since this is Christmas Eve, I thought I would dust this one off again.  So, with apologies once again to Clement Clarke Moore, here is my adaptation of his classic for the digital age.

Enjoy!

‘Twas the day before Christmas, when at my house

I was at the computer, moving the mouse;

It was time for another Friday Funny, does anyone care

If in the morning, the email inbox has a funny there?

Two of my boys were still nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of homemade cookies danced in their heads;

While mamma was working, I was off for the day,

It seemed like there was nothing funny for me to say,

When out on the Internet there arose such a clatter,

I sprang to my browser to see what was the matter.

Away to another window I flew like a flash,

Hoping as always that my computer would not crash.

The back-lighting of the monitor produced a glow

Which gave a slight luster to objects below,

As I wondered from web site to web site what should appear,

But a miniature sleigh jpg, complete with reindeer,

With a little driver icon, so lively and quick, I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.

More rapid than dsl downloads his cursers they came,

And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

“Now, Yahoo! now, Google! now, Facebook and Amazon!

On, ebay! on youtube! on, myspace and ask.com!

To the top of the screen! to the top of the wall!

Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!”

As deleted lines that before the backspace button fly,

When they meet with a click, mount to the sky,

So up to the screen-top the cursers they flew,

With a file full of toys, and St. Nicholas too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the speaker

The prancing and pawing of each little squeaker.

As I drew in my hand, and was scrolling around,

Downloading an mpeg, St. Nicholas came with a bound.

He was digitally dressed from his head to his foot,

And his clothes were photo-shopped with ashes and soot;

A bundle of toys he had superimposed on his back,

And he looked like a Trojan file just opening his pack.

His eyes — they pulsated! his dimples they grew!

His cheeks had roses painted on them, his nose was blue!

His droll little mouth transfigured to a bow,

And the beard of his chin turned into white snow;

His pipe was a tree stump he held tight in his teeth,

And the smoke wafted up and became a green wreath;

He had a broad face and a little round belly,

That shook, when he laughed and turned into jelly.

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,

And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;

Two winking eyes and a fast spinning head,

Soon gave me to know I had no virus to dread;

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

He backed up my hard drive; then turned with a jerk,

And laying his finger aside of his nose,

And giving a nod, up the window he rose;

He sprang to his jpg, to his team gave a whistle,

And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.

But I heard him exclaim, ere he deleted his cookie from sight,

“Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.”

© 2019 LeonardsLines.com