Friday Funny July 19, 2019 A Dose of Will Rogers

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Happy Friday!  As we come to the end of another week, it seems like a good time to reflect on some words of a wise man from a few years back.

Enjoy!

What the country needs is dirtier fingernails and cleaner minds.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

Rail splitting produced an immortal President in Abraham Lincoln; but golf, with 20 thousand courses, hasn’t produced even a good, A number-1 Congressman.

There is no credit to being a comedian, when you have the whole Government working for you. All you have to do is report the facts. I don’t even have to exaggerate.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

About all I can say for the United States Senate is that it opens with a prayer and closes with an investigation.

The more you observe politics, the more you’ve got to admit that each party is worse than the other.

Don’t let yesterday use up too much of today.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Rumor travels faster, but it don’t stay put as long as truth.

Be thankful we’re not getting all the government we’re paying for. 

Congress is so strange; a man gets up to speak and says nothing, nobody listens, and then everybody disagrees. 

Never blame a legislative body for not doing something. When they do nothing, they don’t hurt anybody. When they do something is when they become dangerous. 

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.” ~John Quinton

http://WWW.QUOTEGAREDEN.COM

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Friday Funny July 12, 2019 Computer Viruses

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Happy Friday! I hope you have had a good week. I heard today about a nasty computer virus that was going around. I did a little research and found that there are quite a few computer viruses making the rounds and I wanted to share these with you in the hope that you can avoid them.

Enjoy!

Adam and Eve virus: Takes a few bytes out of your Apple.

Star Trek virus: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before. 

Health Insurance virus: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

C-nile virus – It makes your computer forget where it put your files.

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus – Terminates and stays resident. It’ll be back!

Couch Potato Virus – Just sits there, eating computer chips all day. 

Disney virus – Everything on the computer looks Goofy.

Economist virus – Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

Airline virus: You’re in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore. 

Paul Revere virus – Warns you of impending hard disk attack- Once, if by LAN; twice if by C. 

PBS virus – Your computer stops every fifteen minutes to ask for a tax deductible contribution.

Politically Correct virus – Never calls itself a “virus,” but instead refers to itself as an “independent electronic micro-organism.”

Survivor Virus – Deletes your files one by one over 13 weeks until only the most annoying one remains. 

Congressional Virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

Michael Jackson virus: Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. 

KFC virus: makes your computer kick the bucket.

Joke Virus – poses as a harmless list of funny computer Virus names. Is quickly passed from one user to all other users via e-mail, consequently consuming all known network resources. Types of computer viruses

Thought for the Week

“Computers are like air conditioners. They work fine until you start opening windows.“~Anonymous

Friday Funny July 5, 2019 All American Jokes

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Happy Friday!  Hope you were able to enjoy the 4th!  I may be a day late but here are some All American jokes to celebrate with.

Enjoy!

If you crossed Captain America with the Incredible Hulk would you get the Star-Spangled Banner?

If you crossed George Washington with cattle feed would you get the Fodder of Our Country!

If you crossed a dinosaur and a firecracker would you get dino-mite?

Would you call a duck that says “bang” a firequacker?

On July 5th do people eat Independence Day-Old-Pizza?

Are there no Knock Knock jokes about America because freedom rings?

What’s red, white, black and blue? Uncle Sam falling down the stairs.

Why did Paul Revere ride his horse from Boston to Lexington? Because the horse was too heavy to carry.

I saw a news story about a battery and a firework that were arrested. They charged one, and let the other one off.

The United States is a free country where every man can do as his wife pleases. 

Thought for the Week

“I like to see a man proud of the place in which he lives.  I like to see a man live so that his place will be proud of him.”  – Abraham Lincoln

Friday Funny June 28, 2019 Before Computers

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Happy Friday!  We have come to the last Friday in June and 2019 is almost halfway gone!  Time continues to fly by.  Among many things that have impacted my life is the advent of computers and their effect on every aspect of life including language.

Enjoy!

Before Computers:
 
Java was what you drank in the morning
An application was something you filled out for a job
A program was on television
A cursor was someone who used profanity
A keyboard was on a piano

Memory was something that you lost with age
Uploading what was you did to a pickup truck
The only directory I knew was the yellow pages
Shareware was the hand-me-down clothes you received from relatives
Windows were what you looked out of
 
A monitor was someone who watched what you were doing
Booting up what something you did before going out in the snow
Google was a really big number that no one ever used
Yahoo was a person of questionable intelligence
Oracle was a very wise and respected person
 
Unencrypt sounded like something from a bad horror movie
Ethernet sounded like something an anesthesiologist would use
Debugging was done with insect repellent
C++ was something you did not want to see on your report card
Crashing was what you tried to avoid in your car
 
A Byte was a quick snack
Compress was something you did to garbage  
Zip was something you did to your pants
Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
 
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
A backup was what you wanted to prevent in your toilet
Cut – you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider’s home

Thought for the Week

Computers are like Old Testament gods; lots of rules and no mercy.  ~Joseph Campbell

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny June 21, 2019 A Flash Flood of Jokes

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Happy Friday! The calendar may say that it is summer, but in Ohio we have seen a great deal of rain this week.  They say you cannot change the weather – so let’s at least laugh about it a little.

Enjoy!  

Do you know what one raindrop said to the other raindrop? — My plop is bigger than your plop! 

 

Do you know what another raindrop said to another raindrop? — Two’s company, three’s a cloud.


Do you know what we call two straight days of rain in Ohio? — A weekend. 


Do you know how thunderstorms invest their money? – In liquid assets. 


Do you know what daylight-saving time means in Ohio? — An extra hour of rain. 


What’s more destructive than raining buckets? — Hailing taxis.

 

I heard the local weather reporter was fired because news of a coming flood was leaked.

 

It’s been raining so much in Ohio that the Chia Pet I threw in the garbage is now blocking my driveway.

 

Since it started raining, all my kids do is look sadly through the window…if it keeps up much longer, I am going to have to let them in.

 

The other night a saw a movie about a tornado, the plot had a great twist at the end.

 

Thought for the Week

“It was a dry rain.” ~ Yogi Berra

 

Friday Funny June 14, 2019 Things You Never Heard Dad Say

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Happy Friday!  This Sunday is Father’s Day.  If you are fortunate to have your Dad around, take time to let him know what he means to you.  If you Dad is gone, take time to reflect on a few pleasant memories that you have of him.

Enjoy!

THINGS YOU PROBABLY NEVER HEARD DAD SAY

They just don’t have enough commercials during football games.

I noticed that all your friends have a certain disrespectful and defiant attitude.  Why aren’t you more like that?

Guess I better just stop and ask for directions.

You know Sweetie, now that you’re thirteen, I think you should start dating.

Here’s a credit card and the keys to my new car — GO CRAZY.

Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend … you might want to consider throwing a party.

No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring — now quit your belly-aching, and let’s go to the mall.

No why would you want to get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.

Let me hold your purse while you try that on.

Let’s watch another Hallmark Christmas Movie tonight!.

Dancing to Kidz Bop at top volume is way better than listening to my boring music.

Music today is so much better than the stuff I listened to when I was your age.

I think that umpire is just doing a wonderful job today.

I have been hankerin’ for a nice salad and quiche all day.

Thought for the Week

He didn’t tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it. ~Clarence Budington Kelland

http://www.quotegarden.com

 

 

Pillow Talk

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There is an almost endless array of ways that one can divide people into two different groups.  I would like to offer yet another possibility:  there are two kinds of people in the world – people who will use the same pillow for years and people who like to buy new pillows.

People who prefer new pillows are optimists, they buy a new pillow in anticipation that the new pillow will be better than the old pillow.  It will feel better, it will help them sleep better, it will hold its form better, it will last longer than the previous pillow.  Even though every pillow they have ever purchased has not lived up to their ideal of the perfect pillow, they purchase a new one hoping that this will be the one.  Then after a little while, the new pillow’s form no longer bounces back and they are not sleeping as well as they were. So, in their never-ending optimism they purchase another new pillow.  Hope springs eternal and maybe this time they will find pillow perfection.

People who use the same pillow for years, until it is thread bare and the stuffing is falling out tend to be realists and pragmatists.  They have adjusted their lives to the imperfect reality of their own imperfect pillow.  While they may have an idea of what a perfect pillow would be like, they understand the odds of finding the perfect pillow are remote.  So, they settle in with the pillow they have and make the best of it.  In time the pillow becomes a bit flat and misshapen but that is OK, the pillow is usable and familiar and they accept that.  A new pillow would only disturb the familiar for awhile until the new pillow is broken in enough to become an old pillow. 

So are you a new pillow or an old pillow kind of person?