Friday Funny January 17, 2019 More Dad Jokes

Leave a reply

Happy Friday! Congratulations on making it through the first half of the first month of 2020!  To celebrate here are a few “Dad Jokes” for you.

Enjoy!

Justice is a dish best served cold, if it were served warm it would be justwater.

Would call an elephant that doesn’t matter an irrelephant?

Would you call a fish with two knees a two-knee fish!

Would you call the wife of a hippie Mississippi?

If a slice of apple pie is $4.50 in the Bahamas and $5.00 in Jamaica would those be the pie rates of the Caribbean?

The other day I was really down and a friend of mine kept saying “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.” I know he means well.

What did the horse say after it tripped? “Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!”

If you rearrange the letters of “Postmen”. They get really mad.

Did you hear about the drummer that had twin daughters? He named them Anna one, Anna two.

I’m thinking about removing my spine. I feel like it’s only holding me back.

Thought for the Week

“Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.” –Ferris Bueller

 

 

A Hole In One – Not Good For Socks

Leave a reply

Every once in a while, I have a propensity to vent.  I will preface my vent with the acknowledgment that things I have a tendency to vent about “don’t amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world” as Rick Blaine might say. Yet, sometimes they can get really get my goat (if I had a goat).  While golfers may dream of a hole on one, the only holes in one I came across are in my socks.  There are some socks that I have that I would actually be excited to get a hole in one in (yes, I do need to get out more). 

I would welcome a hole in one in those socks that I do not like and I have several pairs of socks that I do not like.  Yet, somehow those pairs of socks know that I do not like them and out of sheer spite, they absolutely refuse to wear out.  Out of spite, I make sure to wear these socks as often as possible to hasten their demise; but they steadfastly refuse to wear out.  For a some pairs this is a decades-long struggle with the eventual victor yet to be determined.

On the other hand, or perhaps I should say on the other foot, are socks that I like.  That pair of socks that just feels good from the moment you put them on until the moment that you take them off, that has a nice pattern, they match up with what you like to wear well – now those socks never seem to last very long.  Last week I put on my most recent favorite pair of socks to wear for the day and all was going well until that evening when I stretched out on the love seat to rest for just a few minutes and then I noticed my big toe protruding from the end of one sock.  I had been tricked again!

Why do socks that I like not last long? Is the quality?  Do I wear them much more than I realize?  I have developed a theory.  I mentioned above that the socks I do not like last out of spite, perhaps they also know which socks I like so at night, while I am sleeping those indestructible socks are hard at work in a jealous rage trying to weaken the fibers in the socks I do like?  Or maybe, just maybe the socks I do not like are like little vampire socks!  They suck the life out of the socks I like thereby prolonging their own lives.  Can you think of a more valid explanation for why some socks have such a short  life while others seem to never wear out?  I think I may be onto something, it is only a matter of time until there is a major motion picture about Count Sockula…..

© 2020 LeonardsLines.com

Friday Funny January 10,2020 Ten Things I Learned From Movies

Leave a reply

Happy Friday!  I hope 2020 is off to a good start for you.  Holiday time is always a bif time for movie releases which had me thinking about things that we can learn from movies.  Here are just a few.

Enjoy!

  • All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
  • The ventilation system of any building is the perfect way to escape. All ventilation ducts are just big enough for you to crawl through, they will support your weight and they will always provide a viable escape route.
  • The odds of surviving any battle or any hostage situation dramatically decrease the moment you show someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
  • A man will be able to withstand a fierce beating at the hands of someone three times his size with nary a whimper but will wince and cry out in pain once a woman tries to clean his wounds.
  • Cars that are involved in serious crashes will either 1) remain functional even if half the car has been torn away or 2) immediately burst into flames.
  • Anyone who falls down a flight of stairs will be stone cold dead before they reach the bottom.
  • When paying for a taxi, simply open your wallet, take out two bills throw them at the cabbie and say, “keep the change.” It will always be enough.
  • Any information needed no matter how sensitive, classified, private, or complex can be obtained using a computer within ten seconds using no more than a dozen keystrokes.
  • All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts. It will have one more wire that whoever is defusing it is used to seeing, plus the color of the wires will be different.  To correctly defuse the bomb you must wait until there are less than five seconds remaining and then guess which wire to snip.
  • The major crime you heard about this morning is somehow directly and personally related to the crisis you are facing in your life.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

Drama is life with the dull bits cut out.  ~Alfred Hitchcock

http://WWW.QUOTEGARDEN.COM

Lifesavers Storybook Volume 2

Leave a reply

I know another Christmas Present has transitioned to another Christmas Past;; however, I still enjoying my gifts.  As a reflection of my expensive and redefined tastes, my wife  gave me a Life Savers Hard Candy Sweet Storybook.  A gift like this may not excite you but it always brings a smile to my face.  I fondly remember getting this as a kid and it reminds me of those days when life, for me, was much simpler.

As a “book” it is  not much.  I was surprised that the “story” changes from year to year.  I did a similar blog a few years ago and noted that the story was about how the five fruity flavors of Life Savers had powered the reindeer on their trip around the world and saved Christmas.  Perhaps that story did not play well to focus groups any longer or perhaps  Rudolph’s agent sent them a letter threatening to sue because everyone knows that Rudolph and his nose so bright were what saved the day for Santa, he has gone done in history you know.

This year’s story is about two “very good” children named Lily and Benny do their very best to be on Santa’s good list even going so far as sharing their Life Savers with family and friends.  Alas a crises falls upon our young heroes when they discover that all the Christmas decorations were lost in a pre-Christmas move.  So they take Life Savers to all their neighbors and share the sad story; the neighbors are so moved that they donate Christmas decorations thus allowing Lily and Benny to have a festively decorated tree waiting for Santa along with milk, cookies and, of course, Life Savors.  Thus Christmas is saved and they hear Santa’s “Ho! Ho! Ho!” on the roof.  I think the movie rights are being purchased buy Disney and will be in theaters in time for next Christmas.

I will again sound like a cantankerous old codger and state that the Sweet Storybook ain’t what is used to be.  Today’s storybook is one-sided with six rolls of five flavor Life Savers while the storybook of my childhood was two-sided with five rolls on each side.  Secondly, today’s storybook includes six five flavor rolls.  The storybook of my childhood had variety.  If I recall correctly, there were two rolls of five flavor, two rolls of wintergreen, two rolls of pep-o-mint, two rolls of cherry and two rolls of butter run.  As a kid, I think the order of consumption was probably pep-o-mint, wintergreen, cherry, butter rum and, lastly five flavor.  I would be happy to trade the “story” for a little variety in the flavors.

I was told never to complain about a gift and this is not a complaint.  I appreciate the gift and I will enjoy the Life Savers.  My teeth and my diet probably appreciate the fact that there are six instead of ten rolls.  Yet, I will say once more that this is one item that ain’t what it used to be.

© 2020 LeonardsLines.com

Friday Funny January 3, 2020 Vision Jokes

Leave a reply

Happy Friday and Happy New Year!  Here is hoping that this year is a good year for all.  Of course I could not let the beginning of 2020 occur without a few vision related jokes.

Enjoy!

I think my cell phone needs glasses; it has lost all its contacts.

Do optometrists like to listen to music using iTunes?

Do garbage men have bin-ocular vision?

Would you take a depressed optometrist to the low vision center?

Did you hear about the lab tech fell who into the lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself?

Do optometrists not tell jokes because they are just too cornea?

Do optometrists live long lives because they dilate?

I really admire my optometrist; he is a true visionary.

I once worked for an optometrist, it was a real eye-opening experience

Would you call an Eskimo optometrist an optical Aleutian? 

I went to the optometrist and she told me I was colorblind; man, that came right out of the purple

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“The only thing worse than being blind is having sight but no vision.”~Helen Keller

Happy New Year 2020!

Leave a reply

 

If you are searching for a New Year’s Resolution, may I offer a few suggestions?

I resolve to be more decisive, maybe.

I resolve to have a password other than “password.”

I resolve to conserve energy by spending more time laying on the couch.

I resolve not to text a family member while we are both in the same room.

I resolve to limit myself to seventeen e-mail addresses.

I resolve to stop sending e-mails to myself unless absolutely necessary.

I resolve to chat with my spouse live instead of on Facebook.

I resolve to not say, “LOL… LOL!” out loud when I hear something funny.

I resolve to balance my checkbook — on my nose.

I resolve to be an optimist, forget that, I don’t think I can keep it.

I resolve to watch more TV, if I am paying for 250 channels, then by golly I need to watch 250 channels.

I resolve to learn how to program the VCR I purchased in 1998.

I resolve to get ready for Y2K.

 I resolve to figure out where Waldo is.

Friday Funny December 27, 2019 Top Uses for Fruit Cake

3 Replies

Happy Friday!  By now most, if not all of the presents have been unwrapped and the excitement may be waning a little.  There may be a present or two that you are not quite sure what do to with, if one of those is a fruit cake, let me offer a few suggestions.

Enjoy!

  1. Place your fruitcake in a safe place, leave it for ten years, then re-gift.
  2. Fruitcakes make great doorstops.
  3. Fruitcakes make excellent book ends.
  4. Fruitcakes can be used as blocks.
  5. Fruitcakes can be used to repair sections of your deck or driveway.
  6. Use it as a weight to hold down your portable basketball goal, this will prevent the goal from tipping over during periods of high winds.
  7. If you get two, drill a hole through the middle of each one (hammer drill is recommended) attach securely to a study metal p[ole, use as dumbbell.
  8. If you own a pickup truck, place fruitcakes in the truck bed to add weight for traction in the snow.
  9. Fruitcakes make excellent boundary markers for your driveway or yard during snowy months they hold their shape no matter how many times you or the snow plow run over them.
  10. If you cannot use it during the winter months, just hang onto it until spring and use as a boat anchor.
  11. Break it into smaller pieces (jackhammer recommended) and use like pumice to clean pots, pans and porcelain.
  12. Break it into smaller pieces (jackhammer recommended) and use as rocks for your gas fireplace.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Reality is like a fruitcake; pretty enough to look at but with all sorts of nasty things lurking just beneath the surface.” ~ A. Lee Martinez