Friday Funny March 20, 2020 Stay Patient and Laugh

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Happy Friday! Congratulations on surviving another week!  The world has been pretty crazy lately, but we do what we can to carry on.  My task at hand is to bring a chuckle to your Friday!

Enjoy! and Wash Your Hands!!

I had my patience tested today.  It came back negative

I went to get a haircut from an impatient barber, he cut it short.

I picked up a book by an impatient scientist, it’s about time.

I was at the doctor’s office and in the waiting room there was this very tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, the doctor saw me first. I guess he just had to be a little patient.

What did an impatient pot of water say to the noodles? Udon!?

What did the impatient vegetarian say to the waiter? Get me soup and make it snap pea!!

Is it true that an impatient communist’s favorite fish is Red Snapper?

Is it true that impatient people hate to go to the gym because of the weights?

A few weeks ago, I was at a restaurant.  I started to get impatient waiting on my food so I caught the waiter’s attention as he rushed by and asked. “How long will my spaghetti be?” He replied, “I don’t know. We don’t measure it.”

How many bricks do you need to screw in a light bulb?  Just two, but you need a lot of patience and a lot of light bulbs.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“There are three secrets to managing. The first secret is have patience. The second is be patient. And the third most important secret is patience.” ~  John McGraw, Legendary Baseball Manager

 

Friday Funny March 13, 2020 Keep Calm and Laugh

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Happy Friday! Congratulations on surviving this unusual week!  There are many things to choose from to worry about this week whether it is getting your taxes done, watching your retirement funds plummet or trying to avoid the corona-virus, there is no shortage of options.  So, just for a moment take a breath and try to keep your wits even if those around you are losing theirs.

(Try to) Enjoy!

Do people still run away and join the circus?  Asking for a friend.

A friend of men told me I was delusional; I almost fell off my unicorn.

It may be just a matter of time before they add the word “syndrome” to my last name.

The only sane people left are you and me and I am beginning to have my doubts about you.

I tried to be normal once, it was the worst ten minutes of my life.

I am fine, the rest of you could use some help.

This too shall pass, it might pass like a kidney stone, but it will pass.

I lost my mind several years ago, but it does send me the occasional postcard.

There is a fine line between genius and crazy, I like to use that line as a jump rope.

Some folks aren’t just missing a screw, they are missing the whole toolbox.

You can tell a lot about a person from their favorite book.  Swiping their phone and reading their texts also works.

Some people say you can tell a lot about a man by the shoes he’s wearing.  I say you can tell a lot about a person by the simplistic means they use to make judgments about people.

Trying to understand some people is like trying to smell the color 9.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“If the world comes to an end, I want to be in Cincinnati. Everything comes there ten years later. “ ~ Mark Twain

Friday Funny March 6, 2020 Spring Forward with Jokes

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Happy Friday!  Don’t forget to set your clocks up this weekend as we welcome another round of Daylight Savings Time.  Personally I enjoy the days being light later.  So, you help you usher in the change, here are a few time-related jokes for you.

Enjoy!

What does daylight-saving time mean in Seattle? An extra hour of rain.

The future, the present and the past show up at a party at the same time. Things got  pretty tense.

Growing up my friends and I really liked playing “Hide and Seek.” Sometimes the games would go on for hours and hours.  Good friends were hard to find.

I put a clock under my desk at work, now I am working overtime.

I was going to apply for a patent for a belt with a built-in watch but I decided it was just a  waist of time.

The bartender says “we don’t serve time travelers in here.” A time traveler walks into a bar.

For a while I was addicted to time travel, but that is all in my past now.

I was going to share a great joke about time travel but nobody laughed.

I joined a club of time travelers.  There have been some real fun times, so far:

       * I have made a lot of friends in the club, some of us go back years and years.

       * I won a great prize in the raffle last week, two tickets to Game 6 of the 1975 World              Series.

        * For a membership project, I invented a device to bring back herbs from the                            future.  I call it my little “thyme machine.”

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“A man who owns a watch knows what time it is. A man who owns two watches is never quite certain.” ~ Unknown

Friday Funny February 28, 2020 More Humorous Headlines

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Happy Friday! I hope you can enjoy Leap Day tomorrow.  You have made it to the end of February – there is hope that Spring is on the way!  

This past week I came across three interesting headlines in the Wall Street Journal, not the place I would expect to find some bad puns, but here they are:

“The Shame of Hair Loss is Receding” – 02/22/2020

“If You Knead No-Carb Bread, It Might Cost You Some Dough” – 02/24/2020

“Surveillance Program Gets a Hard Look” – 02/24/2020

So, I scrounged around in the internet for some other amusing headlines to share with you this week.

Enjoy!

“Breathing oxygen linked to staying alive”

“Most Earthquake Damage is Caused by Shaking”

“Students Cook & Serve Grandparents”

“Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn’t seen in years.”

“Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant.”

“Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board”

“Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni”

“Police Say Man With No Hands and No Legs Is Armed and On the Run”

“Psychic Arrested Again – Still Didn’t See It Coming”

“China May Be Using Sea To Hide Its Submarines”

“Barbershop Singers Bring Joy to School for Deaf”

“Bugs flying around with wings are flying bugs.”

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“A smile is the light in the window of your face that tells people you’re at home.”~Author unknown  http://WWW.QUOTEGARDEN.COM

Another Sign We Have Lost Our Minds – Athleisure

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It seems one never has to look very far for a sign that modern society has completely lost its collective mind.  Last week I read an article about athleisure wear.   What is athleisure wear you ask?  It is  style of clothing worn during athletic activities or other settings, such as workplace, school, other casual or social occasions.  But that is not all, the push is to wear them outside of the gym as a part of one’s everyday wardrobe.  When was the last time you heard someone comment that these days everyone just dresses far too formally and what we really need is to get a bit more casual?  

But wait!  That is not the crazy part of the story.  It seems one cannot simply dress in athletic-type clothing, one MUST dress in the right athletic-type clothing and, of course, the right athletic-type clothing ain’t cheap.  The article mentions a trainer in North Carolina who spends between $5,000 and $10,000 dollars a year on workout wear!! I am pretty sure I have not spent $10,000 on all the clothes I have worn during my lifetime.  The article also mentions a trainer with 2 million Instagram followers who is among those “willing to sweat, spend and endure what it takes to look good while working out.”  Here is a hint – if you need to be “influenced” by Instagram about what to wear for a workout, getting more exercise is not your most pressing issue.

I understand that I am an old foggy who daily is becoming older and foggy-er.  But this is just silly.  Given the increasingly sedentary lifestyle many of us have, increasing the amount of exercise in our lives is a lot more important than how one looks while exercising. One does not have to spend a lot of money on clothes to get into better shape.  You can take this from a guy who has a drawer full of technical T’s that were provided as part of marathon registrations and runs in shoes that are usually off the clearance rack for under $30,  I am pretty sure that I would look just as bad after a run no matter how much money was spent on my attire.

Forget athleisure, just go out the door and move more.  That is my two-cents and I gave it to you for free.

 

Friday Funny February 21, 2020 Take A Few Jokes and Call Me in the Morning

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Happy Friday! The good news is that we have made it through 2/3 of winter, the bad news is that we are in the height of cold and flu season.  Even if you are feeling under the weather, hopefully if only hurts when you laugh.

Enjoy!

Is the difference between swine flu and bird flu that Swine Flu requires oinkment while Bird Flu requires Tweetment?

Would you call an astronomer with the stomach flu a gastrophysicist?

Today I received an email informing me that canned ham can cause swine flu, I sent it to my Spam file.

I think I will get a flu vaccination this year, I figure it is worth a shot.

I determined that I picked up the flu while waiting for a flight at the airport, I think it might be a terminal illness.

I became ill after I started taking self-defense classes, I think it is Kung Flu.

So, I finally went to the doctor.  She quickly glanced at me and told me I had the flu.  I told her that I would like to have a second opinion.  She looked at me and said, “OK then, you’re ugly too.”

I read a story today about an aspiring YouTube star that died from the flu, it seems he went viral.

I heard that Chuck Norris doesn’t get a flu shot.  Chuck Norris shoots the flu.

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A friend was telling me that while he was in Madrid, he came down with a really bad case of the flu.

He was sneezing and coughing and just felt terrible so, he just stayed in his room and decided to call the concierge to get help.

“Oh, so you’re sick!” came the reply. “Not a problem, we’ll send our very own hotel doctor up to your room right away!”

He was amazed when the doctor strolled into his room within minutes.  The doctor quickly assessed his symptoms and prescribed medication to ease his symptoms and get him quickly back on track.  My friend was quite surprised and told the doctor how impressed he was that the hotel had such a competent doctor on site.  The doctor simply shook his head and replied:  “Nobody expects the Spanish inn Physician.”

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“You cannot plow a field by turning it over in your mind.” ~Author Unknown

 

 

 

Friday Funny February 14, 2020 More Valentine’s Day Jokes

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Happy Friday!  In case you have not looked at a calendar lately – today is Valentine’s Day, so you best get crackin;!  I cannot help you with candy or flowers or jewelry for that special someone, but I can supply a few short jokes you can share.

Enjoy!

Did you hear about the guy who sent his wife’s Valentine through twitter because she was his tweetheart?

Did you know that on Valentine’s Day that cavemen used give their wives lots of ughs and kisses?

Did you hear about the girl who turned down a Valentine’s date from a font because he wasn’t her type?

Did the boy pickle ask the girl pickle to the Valentine’s dance because she meant a great dill to him?

Did the circle ask the triangle on Valentine’s Day date because he thought she was acute?

Did you hear about the two tennis players who met on Valentine’s Day?  It was a cause of  lob at first sight.

Did you hear about the near-sighted porcupine who sent a Valentine card to a pin cushion?

Did the banana ask the prune to the Valentine dance because  it couldn’t get a date?

Did the paper clip ask the magnet to the Valentine dance because he found her very attractive?

Did the two oars go out on Valentine’s Day because they were looking for a little row-mance?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“The course of true love never did run smooth.” —By William Shakespeare in A Midsummer Night’s Dream