Friday Funny May 10, 2019 Vacation Jokes

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Happy Friday!  We all enjoy a few days off and I was off last week for vacation.  But now it is back to the grind and back to the Friday Funny!  So, here are a few vacation jokes.

Enjoy!

Two Ohioans go on a fishing trip for vacation. They rent all the equipment – the reels, the rods, waders, rowboat, car, and even a cabin in the woods. The first day they go fishing, but they don’t catch anything.  The second day they go fishing, but they don’t catch anything.  The third day they go fishing, but they don’t catch anything.  This goes on until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches one small fish. As they are driving home they are really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, “Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?” The other guy replies, “Gee, it’s a good thing we didn’t catch any more!”
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As a cruise ship is passing a nearby island, one of the passengers sees a man standing by a large brush fire and waving at them.  The Captain just happened to be standing nearby.  The passenger asks the Captain, “Who is that guy?” “I don’t know,” says the captain, “but every time we pass by this way he gets excited.”

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Is it true that mummies do not take vacations because they are afraid they will relax and unwind?

Is it true that robots go on summer vacation because they need to recharge their batteries?

Did the librarian get kicked off the plane because it was overbooked?

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A man went on a long anticipated vacations to a tropical island.  He settles into his room  and begins to hear drums. He goes to the beach and still he hears the drums.  He goes to a restaurant for lunch and continues to hear drums!  That night he tries in vain to sleep because he continues to hear the drums!! Finally he storms over to the manager. “I’ve had it! Can’t you stop those drums?” he begs.

“No!” says the manager. “It’s very bad if the drums stop.”

“Why?”

“When the drums stop, the bass solo begins…

Thought for the Week

No vacation goes unpunished.  ~Karl Hakkarainen

www.quotegasrden.com

 

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Friday Funny April 26, 2019 Jokes That Make The World Go ‘Round

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Happy Friday!  No matter where you are, you are there.  Ponder that for a moment as well as some geography related jokes.

Enjoy!

It is clear,” said the teacher, “that you haven’t studied your geography. What’s your excuse?”  “Well,” the student replied, “my dad says the world is changing every day. So I decided to wait until it settles down!”

Teacher: Where is the English Channel?
Student: I don’t know – it is not in my cable package.

Teacher: What did the sea say to the shore?

Student: Nothing, it just waved!

Teacher: How do mountains see?

Student: They peak!

Teacher: What kind of maps do spiders make?

Student: Web-based maps. 

Would you call the small rivers that run into the Nile – juve-niles?

Is the Mississippi unusual because it has four eyes but cannot see?

Is it true that tectonic relationships are difficult because there is just too much friction even though it is no one’s fault?!

Mountains aren’t just funny………. they are HILL AREAS!

Plateaus: the highest form of flattery.

I was reading a new proposal being considered by ICE.  They are considering deporting retired persons instead of illegal aliens.  It turns out that retirees are much easier to catch. Plus, they rarely can remember how to get back home.

Thought for the Week

If you’re being run out-of-town, get in front of the crowd and make it look like a parade. ~Author Unknown

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny April 19, 2019 The Whole Hog

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Happy Friday! Happy Easter! Happy Passover!  Wishing you a good weekend.  Here are some pig jokes to chew on while you want for that Easter ham.

Enjoy!

Would the smartest pig in the world be Ein-swine? 

Would you take a sick pig to the hospital in a hambulance?

If you cross a pig with a dinosaur would you get Jurassic Pork?

Would you call a pig with no legs a groundhog?

Would you say a pig with laryngitis was disgruntled?

Do pigs write secret messages using invisible oink?

If you put a pig in a musical would it squeal the show?

Is it true that a pig’s favorite Shakespearean play is Hamlet?

Is it true that pigs are not good in track and field because they tend to pull their ham strings?

Did you hear about the pig that went to Las Vegas to play the slop machines?

Can you fit more pigs on a farm by putting them in a sty-scraper!

Would you call pigs in a demolition derby crashing boars?

Thought for the Week

For I remember it is Easter morn,
And life and love and peace are all new born.
~Alice Freeman Palmer

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny April 12, 2019 Back In My Day

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Happy Friday!  It must be spring – baseball is underway and I have cut the grass.  The days are longer and I am enjoying it!  Even when things are going well, we are tempted to look back at times when things were simpler and, at least in our eyes, not quite as easy as they are today.  Enjoy!

Back in my day, tweeting was for the birds.

Back in my day, we did not have cell phone we had two tin cans and some string.

Back in my day, we had to get up in order to change the channel on the television.

Back in my day, songs had lyrics that did not have to be bleeped out.

Back in my day, we had pet rocks.

Back in my day, Mom did not text you when dinner was ready, she would just stand on the front porch and scream for you to come home.

Back in my day, we did not have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the library and look it up in a book.

Back in my day, we had one phone in the house.  It was black, attached to the wall and had a dial you had to spin.

Back in my day, you had to actually pay to make a long-distance telephone call.

Back in my day, we did not have email. We had to actually write somebody a letter, with a pen and paper. Then you had to put it in the mailbox and wait a week to ten days for a response.

Back in my day, we had tablets, they were made of stone and had commandments written on them.

Thought for the Week

Nostalgia is like a grammar lesson: you find the present tense, but the past perfect! ~Owens Lee Pomeroy

http://www.quotegarden.com

Odd Song Lyrics from the 1970’s – MacArthur Park

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Musically I am and probably always will be stuck in the 1970’s.  It is the soundtrack of my youth.  The 1970’s had a lot of good songs and a lot of bad songs.  But if you remember “American Bandstand” they all “had a good beat, I’ll give it an 85…”

The 1970’s gave us disco and many may never forgive the decade for that.  “MacArthur Park” was a song originally released in 1968 by Richard Harris which  peaked at number two on the Billboard Hot 100 chart.  In 1978, Donna Summer re-released it with a disco beat and made it to number 1 on the Billboard chart.

Here is a portion of the lyrics:

Someone left the cake out in the rain
I don’t think that I can take it
’cause it took so long to bake it
And I’ll never have that recipe again
Oh, nooooo

Several questions come to mind:

  1. Why was the cake left out in the rain?  Who leaves a cake in the rain? Why didn’t she put it in a Tupperware cake container?
  2. Why did this cake that much longer to bake than a normal cake? Was it extra big?  Was it extra fluffy?
  3. Why will she never have that recipe again?  Why didn’t she write it down? (Today, I am certain she could find that recipe on the internet!)
  4. Taking us back to #1 above – if this was such a special cake that took an extraordinarily long time to bake with a once in a lifetime recipe, shouldn’t she have taken note of the weather forecast and made sure that it was not left out in the rain?

The song had a good beat, I will give it an 85, but inquiring minds want to know.

 

Friday Funny April 5, 2019 Hey Buddy Have I Got a Joke for You!

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Happy Friday! It is beginning to feel like spring really is in the air!  This week I thought I would share a few sales related jokes.

Enjoy!

A lady was shopping for as new vacuum cleaner.  The salesmen told her that the new model would cut her work in half, so she bought two.

Always trust a glue salesperson. They tend to stick to their word.

Did you hear about the guy who lost his job selling amplifiers because he did not have sufficient volume of sales.

Salesman: Would you like to buy a pocket calculator? Customer: No, thanks. I know how many pockets I have.

What do you have to know to be a successful real estate salesman? Lots!

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A man walks into a shoe store and tries on a pair of shoes. “How do they feel?” asks the sales clerk. 

“Well they feel a bit tight,” replies the man. 

The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and at the man’s feet. “Try pulling the tongue out,” the clerk says. 

“Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth.”

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One day Bob was sitting in his apartment when his doorbell unexpectedly rang. He answered the door and found a salesman standing on his porch with a strange object. “What is that?” Bob asked. 

“It’s a thermos,” the salesman replied. 

“What does it do?” asked Bob. 

“Well, this baby,” the salesman said, “is amazing, it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.” 

This seemed like a great gadget to Bob and he bought one, thinking it would be ideal to take his lunch to work. The next day he arrived at the plant where and sure enough, all the other employees were curious about his new object. “What is it?” they asked. 

“It’s a thermos,” Bob replied. 

“What does it do?” they asked. 

“Well,” Bob told them in a bragging manner, “It is amazing, it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.” 

“Neat, what do you have in it?” 

To which Bob replies, “Two cups of coffee and a Popsicle.”

Thought for the Week

Life is amazingly good when it’s simple and amazingly simple when it’s good. ~Terri Guillemets

http://www.quotegarden.com

Differences Between Men and Women #113 Cup Holders

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It has been quite some time since I have addressed the multitude of differences between men and women.  So, let’s think for just a moment about the cup holders that are found in vehicles. 

Actually my first though about vehicle cup holders has nothing to do with differences between men and women but the simple pondering of why it too so long for cup holders to evolve into something useful?  I can remember as a child when the “cup holder” was a very slightly indented circle on the inside of the glove compartment cover that, I suppose, you could place a small cup on and it wold stay there if the car was not moving, was in park and was setting in the garage.  Thankfully after decades of expensive automotive research, we finally have cup holders that can actually hold a cup.

Which brings us to the difference between how men and women view these now ubiquitous features on automobiles.  A man looks at a cup holder and sees a convenient place where he can put his cup of coffee, a soda or bottle of water where it will stay in one place, not spill and be within reach when he is ready for it.  Pretty simple and direct.

Now a woman will see this same place on the console between the seats and see a space that can be used for any and all of the following:

  • a place to put a cup of coffee, a soda or a bottle of water
  • a place to keep extra change
  • a place to keep coupons
  • a place to keep receipts
  • a place to keep grocery ads
  • a place to keep sunglasses
  • a place to keep emergency makeup
  • a place to keep keys
  • a place to keep a cell phone
  • a place to keep a cell phone charger
  • a place to keep tissues (so also Differences Between Men and Women #37 Tissues)

Perhaps women are more imaginative and resourceful while men are more dull and pragmatic, but please keep the cup holders empty so that I have a place to put my cup of coffee.