Friday Funny May 19, 2017 Jokes To Add To Your Repertoire

Happy Friday!  Let’s kick off the weekend with a little mathematical humor.

Enjoy!

A farmer counted 185 cows in the field; however, when he rounded them up, he had 200.

Did you hear about the statistician who drowned crossing a river?  It was three feet deep on average.

Did you hear about the mathematician who was afraid of negative numbers?  It seems he will stop at nothing to avoid them.

Is it true that the number 288 should never be mentioned because it is just two gross?

Would you call a number that just can’t keep still a roamin’ numeral?

Did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip to get to the same side?

Was the angle denied a loan at the bank because his parents wouldn’t Cosine?

Is the first derivative of a cow prime rib? 

I heard that parallel lines actually do meet, but they are very discreet.

I had a polynomial plant, I think it died because its roots were imaginary. 

Old mathematicians never die; they just lose some of their functions.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

I was going to end with a joke about a statistician, but you have probably heard it.

Thought for the Week

“If people do not believe that mathematics is simple, it is only because they do not realize how complicated life is.” ~ John von Neumann

An Offer I Can Definitely Pass On

I am an accountant by trade and I will admit that I like a good deal.  I will buy things on sale, I will try to stretch a dollar.  However, an offer came in the mail last week that I can definitely pass on.  It was not a good deal on a car.  It was not a bargain on clothes.  It was not a coupon for a restaurant.  It was an offer to buy two cemetery plots for $995!  Yes, a buy one get one free eternal resting place.

I was mildly upset the first time I received a senior discount at McDonald’s.  I have tossed many mailings that come from AARP.  I get the mailings about retirement communities and think to myself, “that is a long way off.”  But a solicitation for grace spaces?  First of all, I don’t really see that this is an expense that I will enjoy the use of it.  

The offer states clearly at the top that this is “back by popular demand.”  Is this demand from satisfied customers?  Is the demand driven  by referrals? The letter also states that the offer is for “Pre-Need purchases only” – if you have a preexisting need for a cemetery plot, sorry you are out of luck!

However, I do have a tent in the garage.  I could make my purchase and use it as a camping spot.  I bet it is quiet, especially at night.

Friday Funny May 12, 2017 You Know You Are a Mom When…..

Happy Friday!  This Sunday we celebrate Mothers.  Of course we know that this is something we should celebrate each and everyday for the many things that Mothers do for us.  This week I thought I would offer some tale tale signs that you are truly embracing the role of Motherhood,

Enjoy!

There is always a box of Popsicles in your freezer.

Most of your television watching involves cartoons.

You always stay up for the 11:00 news, but always fall asleep before the weather.

A day does not go by without either peanut butter and jelly or mac and cheese.

You have determined that almost anything can be cleaned with spit and Kleenex.

You only buy cereal with marshmallows in it.

The closest you get to gourmet cooking is making Rice Krispies Treats or, if you feeling extra fancy, Scotcheroos.

You finish eating your child’s half-eaten food without giving it a second thought.

You automatically double-knot everything you tie.

You remember the places you have gone by the stains on your clothes.

You have determined that there are actually 101 different crafts you can do with Popsicle sticks and chenille stems.

You save empty paper towel and toilet paper rolls for all the great crafts you can make with them.

You know you have a million things that need to be done but you put them all aside to sit in the freezing cold to watch your child’s game and know you took care of the most important task.

You have that rare opportunity to have an adult dinner with you husband and find yourself cutting his steak into small bite-size pieces.

Thought for the Week

“Someday, when my children are old enough to understand the logic that motivates a mother, I’ll tell them: I loved you enough to bug you about where you were going, with whom and what time you would get home. … I loved you enough to be silent and let you discover your friend was a creep. I loved you enough to make you return a Milky Way with a bite out of it to a drugstore and confess, ‘I stole this.’ … But most of all I loved you enough to say no when you hated me for it. That was the hardest part of all.” ~ Erma Bombeck

These Shoes Will Never Fit

By now you have probably heard about the Father of the future professional basketball player who, in anticipation of the inevitable “greatness” of his son’s imminent Hall of Fame career, has come out with shoes that cost $495.   According to a report on the internet the first day that you could buy these shoes the number sold was somewhere over 250 pairs.

While I was still trying to grasp who and why anyone would spend $495 on a pair of athletic shoes, I stumbled across an even stranger story!  It appears that Neiman Marcus has a pair of “distressed” some would say pre-destroyed sneakers for the price of $1,425!! These little gems feature peeling leather uppers with the yellow stuffing peeking out from the “distressed” areas.  New shoes for five hundred bucks versus distressed shoes for fifteen hundred…I suppose value is determined in different ways.

They say a fool and his money is soon parted.  My question is how do so many fools get so much money to be parted with?

I remember the sales job I had to do with my Mom in the early 1970’s to convince her that a pair of $10 Chuck Taylor Converse All-Stars would actually last longer than the “two pair for $5” sneakers she had been buying for me. By the way, they really did last longer and were therefore more economical plus most of the other kids had them.  The really cool kids had Stan Smith Adidas, but I knew my sales skills would not close that deal.

After I started working and had more of my own disposable income my shoe taste moved up a little.  I never sprung for the Stan Smith Adidas, but I did have a few pair of some rather spiffy suede Pumas in blue and green while in college.  

These days, I am back to looking for value and will usually spend $20 – $30 on a pair of athletic shoes.  I typically buy a pair about every six months and have managed to run several marathons in sub $30 shoes with no ill effects to my feet.  When I purchase a pair of shoes I look for fit: on my foot and in my wallet.  $495 new shoes and $1,425 distressed shoes will never be a fit for me.

Friday Funny May 5, 2017 More Ponderings

Happy Friday!  It is hard to believe that it is already May.  That got me to thinking….and that often ends in a strange place.

Enjoy!

Laughing stock – would that be cattle with a sense of humor?

If someone has a mid-life crises while playing hide & seek, is he able to find himself?

Just “before” someone gets nervous, do they have cocoons in their stomach? 

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, does it make a sound?

If a man falls in the forest and a woman is not around, is he still wrong?

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it do the other trees make fun of it? 

If a mime falls in the forest and no one is around, does he make a noise?

If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Last night I played a blank tape at full volume. It drove the mime  who lives next door crazy.

I am at that age where I still have something on the ball, but I am just too tired to bounce it.

On those days when I am not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded. 

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to? 

What was the greatest thing BEFORE sliced bread?

I have been adjusting the setting on my laser printer, I think  I have it on stun now. 

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile and then walk into a pole.” ~ Unknown

Friday Funny April 28, 2017 This Week’s Stock Report

Happy Friday!  With the stock market reaching historic highs, it seemed like a good time to share market insights.

Enjoy!

Among the happenings in the stock markets this week:

The price of Starbucks perked up

Recent events have taken a bite out Apple’s market value

United Airlines was dragged down by the market

Daily volume for UPS has picked up

Ford prices have temporarily stalled

MasterCard is charging ahead

Gillette’s profit margins are razor-thin

Investors seem to be losing interest in Wells Fargo

AT&T has dialed-up its forecast

Microsoft appears ready for a reboot

Marlboro’s profits are going up in smoke.

Lowe’s profits are in rebuilding stage

Thought for the Week

“The four most dangerous words in investing are: ‘this time it’s different.'” – Sir John Templeton

Where is Betty?

I try to be an easy-going guy, but I do have my pet peeves and among said pet peeves are calls from telemarketers.  I have had my share of calls from Rachel at card services, Bill who sounded suspiciously Indian who told me he was from Microsoft Services and had been monitoring my computer (talk about a boring job!), recordings telling me that I had won a cruise for having visited a resort I had never been to, offers for “free” alarm systems, and, of course, calls telling me that this was my last warning from the IRS before being arrested.  Depending on my mood, I hang up or play along for a few minutes before hanging up. 

Recently I have come across a new twist.  The phone rings, I answer it and the person on the other end asks, “Is Betty there?”  There is no one named Betty in my family and I do not know very many Betty’s.  I reply that the person must have the wrong number.  The person on the other end then replies, “Maybe you can help me and goes into their spiel to solicit a charitable donation.  Over the last few months I have received this call from a lady and I can recognize her voice.  Today, the call came from a man.  I just hang up, about the time they get “maybe you can h” out of their mouth.  However, I have one question that I really want to ask, “If you have no idea who you are calling, why would I want to give money to your organization?”  I would also like to ask what marketing “genius” came up with the idea to ask for Betty whenever someone answers the phone?

Now that I have experienced this a few times, I will try to be ready the next time someone call asking for Betty.  I am trying to decide which response I will use or it they keep calling I may use them all?

Betty is not here right now, but this is Mr. Rubble, may I take a message?

I’m sorry, Betty was fired last week and was indicted by a Grand Jury this morning?

Just a moment – then put the phone down and see how long they wait for her.

Wait just a minute, Betty said she had told you never to call her here.

How did you get this number?  This is a secure line which is constantly monitored. The SWAT team will be at your door in three and a half minutes.

Betty?,,,,, so that is the name she is using these days is it?  How do you know her?

Betty?  I have not used that name since I worked undercover for the CIA.  Who told you to call me???