Tag Archives: Christmas

The Night Before Christmas In The Digital Age

Merry Christmas Eve! Wishes you and yours a very Merry Christmas!

Since this is Christmas Eve, I thought I would dust this one off again.  So, with apologies once again to Clement Clarke Moore, here is my adaptation of his classic for the digital age.

Enjoy!

‘Twas the day before Christmas, when at my house

I was at the computer, moving the mouse;

It was time for another Friday Funny, does anyone care

If in the morning, the email inbox has a funny there?

Two of my boys were still nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of homemade cookies danced in their heads;

While mamma was working, I was off for the day,

It seemed like there was nothing funny for me to say,

When out on the Internet there arose such a clatter,

I sprang to my browser to see what was the matter.

Away to another window I flew like a flash,

Hoping as always that my computer would not crash.

The back-lighting of the monitor produced a glow

Which gave a slight luster to objects below,

As I wondered from web site to web site what should appear,

But a miniature sleigh jpg, complete with reindeer,

With a little driver icon, so lively and quick, I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.

More rapid than dsl downloads his cursers they came,

And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

“Now, Yahoo! now, Google! now, Facebook and Amazon!

On, ebay! on youtube! on, myspace and ask.com!

To the top of the screen! to the top of the wall!

Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!”

As deleted lines that before the backspace button fly,

When they meet with a click, mount to the sky,

So up to the screen-top the cursers they flew,

With a file full of toys, and St. Nicholas too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the speaker

The prancing and pawing of each little squeaker.

As I drew in my hand, and was scrolling around,

Downloading an mpeg, St. Nicholas came with a bound.

He was digitally dressed from his head to his foot,

And his clothes were photo-shopped with ashes and soot;

A bundle of toys he had superimposed on his back,

And he looked like a Trojan file just opening his pack.

His eyes — they pulsated! his dimples they grew!

His cheeks had roses painted on them, his nose was blue!

His droll little mouth transfigured to a bow,

And the beard of his chin turned into white snow;

His pipe was a tree stump he held tight in his teeth,

And the smoke wafted up and became a green wreath;

He had a broad face and a little round belly,

That shook, when he laughed and turned into jelly.

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,

And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;

Two winking eyes and a fast spinning head,

Soon gave me to know I had no virus to dread;

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

He backed up my hard drive; then turned with a jerk,

And laying his finger aside of his nose,

And giving a nod, up the window he rose;

He sprang to his jpg, to his team gave a whistle,

And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.

But I heard him exclaim, ere he deleted his cookie from sight,

“Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.”

© 2019 LeonardsLines.com

 

Friday Funny December 18, 2020 More Christmas Mondegreens

Happy Friday!  Christmas is fast approaching and the airwaves are filled with holiday songs.  You may be tempted to cut loose and sing along, but are you sure you are singing the correct words?  If have found yourself mishearing words to songs, you just might have found a mondegreen.  Here are some amusing Christmas song mondegreens.  

Enjoy!

Joy to the World – “Joy to the world! The Lord has gum…”

Joy to the World – “Joy to the world – and let’s have fun, let earth receive her keys…”

The First Noel – “Noel, Noel…Barney’s the king of Israel…”

Away in a Manger – “The catalog glowing…”

Away in a Manger – “The cattle are blowing the poor baby away…”

Angels We Have Heard on High – “Gloria in a Chelsea stable…”

O Little Town of Bethlehem  – “Yet in thy dark streets China…”

Frosty – “Frosty the Snowman – Was a jolly happy soul – With a canecob pipe and a bloody nose…”

Twelve Days of Christmas – “On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, ten lawyers leaving…”

Jingle Bells – ‘“Bells on bob tails ring, making spare ribs bright, what fun it is to laugh and sing, a slaying song tonight…”

Deck the Halls – “Don we now our day of peril, Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la…”

 THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Come in, — come in! and know me better, man! I am the Ghost of Christmas Present. Look upon me! You have never seen the like of me before!”  ~ Charles Dickens,  A Christmas Carol

Friday Funny December 4, 2020 Eggnog Puns

Happy Friday and Happy December!  The good news is that we have made it to the last month of 2020!  The holiday season is upon us and that means there is eggnog.  So let’s kick off the weekend with some eggnog puns.  I hope they crack you up.  If not, then maybe you just can’t take a yolk.

Enjoy!

If a chicken told you an eggnog jokes, would she be a comedi-hen?

Is it true that Mr. Scrooge did not like the eggnog because it was not all that it was cracked up to be?

If you have a sing-a-long while drinking eggnog would you call it kara-yolkie?

Is drinking eggnog a form of eggs-ercise?

If you refuse to drink eggnog would you be considered egg-nostic?

Is the fastest path to the eggnog bowl the eggs-press lane?

If you had some really good eggnog would you describe it as egg-cellent?

Do you share your eggnog with people who are egg-stra special?

If you really love eggnog would people call you egg-centric?

Would you take eggnog to school to help improve your egg-u-cation?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“To cherish peace and goodwill, to be plenteous in mercy, is to have the real spirit of Christmas.” ~ Calvin Collidge

Friday Funny November 27, 2020 First Christmas Jokes of the Season

Happy Friday!  I hope you were able to have a nice Thanksgiving.  That means Christmas is just around the corner.  I thought I would bring out my first batch of Christmas jokes for the season.

Enjoy!

Have you noticed that you have never seen Santa in a hospital? That is because he has private elf care!

Is it true that if Santa’s elves don’t meet performance standards, he gives them the sack?

If you ate the Christmas decorations would you get Tinsil-it is?

I heard that Rudolph’s last report card was note very good, it seems he went down in history.

Is it true that Santa’s laundry detergent of choice is Yule-Tide?

Is it true that Santa goes down the chimney on Christmas Eve just because it soots him?

Would you call someone who is afraid of Santa- Claustrophobic?

If a snowman had a major temper tantrum would you call it a meltdown?

If Santa has mechanical problem with his sleigh does he have to call for a mistle-tow?

I hear that because of COVID 19 that this year the elves are using extra Santa-tizer.

“What if today, we were just grateful for everything?”~Charlie Brown

Friday Funny December 21, 2018 Some Not So Great Gift Ideas for the Kids

Happy Friday and Merry Christmas!  Christmas is just a few days away and I hope you have your shopping completed.  If not, there will be plenty of stores open this weekend and my guess is that you will have plenty of company from other last-minute shoppers.  However, there are some gift ideas that you probably will not find at any store this year and the world is probably a little safe for it.

Enjoy!

SOME NOT SO GREAT GIFT IDEAS FOR THE KIDS

AUSTIN MAGIC PISTOL – a toy gun that shoots a ping-pong ball.  These have been around for a long time and seem harmless enough.  Well this one had a twist, made in the 1950’s the Austin Magic Pistol was not your ordinary spring-loaded ping-pong gun.  This one used “magic crystals” made from calcium carbide.  The tricky part here is that calcium carbide and water make a highly flammable gas that resulted in a small explosion that would fire said ping-pong balls over 70 feet, but it did look pretty cool to shoot fiery ping-pong balls at your friends.

JARTS – These were banned sometime in the 1980s. According to reports, over 6,100 children went to the emergency room from lawn dart injuries. That same report says that a dart can come down with over 20,000 pounds of pressure. I can proudly say that I survived playing Jarts.  I can also truthfully state that I never intentionally threw a Jart at anyone.

CLACKERS – Also known as Knockers and Click Clacks.  The 70’s gave us this toy made of two heavy acrylic balls attached to a string.  The only object was to get them to fly up and down and knock into each other to make noise and to do this as fast as possible.  Of course. swinging small acrylic balls about at high-speed may seem like a safe activity to most people, but the problem with these arises when those balls reach their inevitable breaking point.  Then instead of the expected bang, they shatter and splinter.  Then parents decided it might be a good idea to keep shrapnel out of their children’s faces.  I had these but did not have the patience or coordination to use them enough to reach the breaking point.

PYROGRAPHY (WOOD BURNING) Kits – A hot metal tip that is used to burn images into wood, so what is the problem.  Well, besides the heat, there are fumes, inhaling sawdust and the ever-present threat of starting a fire.  I think I had one of these and with my natural artistic ability I was able to eventually make a black mark on a piece of wood.

EASY BAKE OVEN – Introduced in 1963 by Kenner, a Cincinnati based company, the original used an ordinary light bulb as the heat source, which could reach close to 350 degrees.  It came with packets of cake mix and small round pans. All you had to do was add water, mix, put in the pan and slide into the oven through a slot. After cooking, the cake was pushed out through a slot in the other end.  While a lot of cakes were made over the years, we may never know how little fingers were burned in the process. 

CREEPY CRAWLERS – kind of like an Easy Bake Oven marketed to boys with the added features of chemical fumes.  It was introduced by Mattel in 1964.  You could make plastic bugs by pouring “Plastigoop” into little metal molds then “baking” them using an electric hot plate oven that was hotter than an Easy Bake Oven. Not only did the unit get hot, but it made hot melted plastic, which was also toxic. But the end result was a supply of rubbery bugs toys that make any kid squeal with joy.

GILBERT GLASS BLOWING KIT – If the Easy Bake Oven and Creepy Crawlers were not hot enough for you, there was the Gilbert Glass Blowing Kit.   If you want to get glass to become malleable, you need to heat to about 1,000 degrees! Sounds fun and exciting and what could possibly go wrong? 

GILBERT ATOMIC ENERGY LAB – Why worry simply about high temperatures when you can play with radioactive materials?  The Gilbert Company managed to top the glass blowing with the introduction in 1951 of the Atomic Energy Lab kit which included a Uranium-238 Geiger counter, an electroscope, and four samples of uranium ores. Hey junior, how about some nice uranium-238, it has REAL radioactivity!

Thought for the Week

And the angel said to them, “Fear not, for behold, I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people.” ~ Luke 2:10

Friday Funny December 15, 2017 More Holiday Cheer

Happy Friday!  Happy Hanukkah to my Jewish friends!  We are closing out the last days of fall with winter and Christmas knocking on the door.  I’m pining for a Christmas tree to spruce up the place.  So bundle up for some more seasonal humor.

Enjoy!

Would you call someone who can’t stop thinking about past Christmases Santa-mental?

Would you call a reindeer ghost a cari-boo?

Is eggnog really all that it is cracked up to be?

Should you eat broken candy canes or only the ones that are in mint condition?

Did you hear about the mall Santa who lost his job? He was fired for Claus.

Would you call an elf that runs away from Santa’s Workshop a rebel without a Claus?

Did you know that Elves are very defensive about the shape of their ears? They do have a point.

Did Santa’s helper improve his toy making skills by reading a elf-help book?

If a child does not learn to tie his shoes properly does he end up on the knotty list?

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?  It’s Christmas, Eve

Thought for the Week

“Christmas is a season for kindling the fire for hospitality in the hall, the genial flame of charity in the heart.” ~ Washington Irving

My Not Quite Traditional Christmases

scan0021

Another Christmas Day is almost upon us.  I imagine that I will enjoy spending the day with family and reflecting on the meaning of Christmas.  However, it has occurred to me as I ponder Christmas Days past that apparently I have been doing Christmas wrong for quite a long time.  I think about all the “traditions” we hear sung about this time of the year and I have realized that my celebrations of Christmas are not like everyone else’s.

According to the weather forecast, this year will not bring a White Christmas nor have the majority of my Christmases been white.  There will not be treetops glistening nor children listening to hear sleigh bells in the snow.  I do not roast chestnuts on an open fire nor do I ever recall doing so.  I am pretty confident that I have never demanded that someone bring me figgy pudding or refused to go until some was provided.  In fact I am not a big fan of figs, I am not sure I would eat the pudding if someone did, in fact, bring me some right now.  I have not gone wassailing among the leaves so green – all the leaves are long gone from the trees in my yard and I am not sure what a wassail is.  My halls have never been  decked with boughs of holly.

As a child I don’t remember asking for my two front teeth for Christmas nor did I ever want a hippopotamus.  I do not believe I ever saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistletoe.  As a teenager I never went to a Christmas party or any other kind of “hop” to rock around the Christmas tree.  I have never been in a one horse open sleigh; I have never conspired while dreaming by the fire, I do not know Parson Brown.  I don’t think I have ever jingled even part of the way home and it is very seldom that I bring some corn for poppin’.  I don’t ever recall wanting to live in a marshmallow world which sounds like a very sticky situation.  I’ve never been to the feast of Stephen and I am not sure what country Good King Wenceslas was king of.

Christmas at my house was never celebrated for twelve days and my true love never gave me drummers, pipers, leaping lords, dancing ladies, milking maids, swans, geese, rings, birds, hens, doves, or even a partridge or a pair tree.  Have you ever tried returning maids a milking without a receipt?  

I guess I have it all wrong and just do not have the proper Christmas traditions.  I  was not there for that first Noel where angels were heard from on high. But like Longfellow, I have heard the bells on Christmas day and I have heard the old familiar carols play.  Also I have seen, sadly, that hate is strong and indeed mocks the song of peace on earth, good will to men.  Longfellow did have some optimism and did not end the poem there.  Which brings us to Christmas Day 2016 where if we listen we can still hear the bells peal loud and deep to proclaim that “God is not dead, nor doth he sleep.”  I still have hope that eventually the wrong shall fail and the right will prevail, that one day there will be peace on earth, good will to men. So with Christmas just a few days away, the world will continue to revolve from night to day and if I strain my ear, I can heat a voice, a chime, a chant sublime, of peace on earth, good will to men.