Author Archives: Leonard

Friday Funny July 18, 2025 A Basket Full of Fish Jokes

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Happy Friday!  This week I caught a load of fish jokes for you.

Enjoy!

Did you hear about the fish that crossed the ocean to get to the other tide?

Did you hear about the fisherman who started a podcast because he wanted to broadcast his reel thoughts?

Did you hear about the fish who was stuck in traffic because there were so many carpools?

Did you hear about the fishing rod that went to therapy because it had too much tension?

If you crossed a fish and an elephant, would you get swimming trunks?

Would you call a fish in a bowtie sofishticated?

I heard that fish always stay up to date by following the current.

I heard that a young fish’s favorite game is salmon says.

I heard that a fish’s favorite TV show is Whale of Fortune.

I heard about a fish who was a very successful consultant because he was great at scaling businesses.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.” ~ Steven Wright

Friday Funny July 11, 2025 Dog Days of Summer

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Happy Friday!  The recent weather feels like we are in the dog days of summer.  So, here are some dog jokes to kick off the weekend.

Enjoy!

Would you call a dog that never throws anything away, a hoarder collie?

Would you call a dog that licks electrical sockets, Sparky?

 I heard that the most boring type of dog is a dullmation.

How does a Japanese chihuahua say hello? “Konichihuahua.”

Last week I spotted an albino dalmatian, seemed like the least I could do for it.

My dog ate all my Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.  No word yet.

Yesterday, I threw a ball for my dog.  I know that is a bit excessive, but he looked great in his tuxedo.

I once entered my dog in an ‘ugliest dog’ contest and I won first place, my dog came in third.

I went to the library and told the librarian that I was looking for a book called “Pavlov’s Dog and Schrödinger’s Cat”. She replied, “That rings a bell, but I’m not sure if it’s there or not”.

Whenever I take my dog down to the local pond, the ducks attack him. I guess it is my fault for choosing a pure bread dog.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“You can trust your dog to guard your house, but never trust your dog to guard your sandwich.” ~ Lani Lynn Vale

Friday Funny July 4, 2025 Jokes With A Bang

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Happy Friday!  Happy 4th of July!  Hope you have a great weekend.  Here are some jokes to start the weekend off with a bang!

Enjoy!

I took an exam about fireworks.  I was afraid I might fail, but I passed with flying colors.

This year for the 4th of July I purchased a cherry tree and a firecracker.  I bought a Bing, bought a boom.

Have you seen the price of fireworks lately?  They have skyrocketed.

I once injured all of my fingers setting off 4th of July fireworks. Now my friends say that they can’t count on me.

Is it a sign that you have purchased quality fireworks if the guy running the store gives you a high three?

If you cross a firecracker and a ghost, do you get Bamboo?

I heard that pirate’s favorite firework is M-80.

Last year, my 4th of July firework party was a complete disaster.  I couldn’t figure it out.  They all worked great during my rehearsal on the 3rd.

When George Washington gave his cattle feed was it the fodder of our country?

If a patriot had dry skin would his use revo-lotion?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Liberty is always dangerous, but it is the safest thing we have.” ~ Harry Emerson Fosdick

Friday Funny June 27, 2025 It Is So Hot 2025

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Happy Friday!  Summer has burst on the scene this year and it is hot!  How hot is it?  Glad you asked.

Enjoy!

It’s so hot, that the water buffalo at the zoo evaporated.

It’s so hot, my ice cubes are sending me breakup texts.

It’s so hot, the Lazarus lizards are wearing sunscreen.

It’s so hot, yoga mats are turning into slip-and-slides.

It’s so hot, I went to a used car lot just to be around some shady characters.

It’s so hot, I just saw two hobbits throw a ring off a roof.

It’s so hot, Colorado Rockies and Chicago White Sox fans are taking the bags off of their heads.

It’s so hot, that they cannot make chili in Cincinnati.

It’s so hot, I saw an Amish guy buy an air conditioner.

It’s so hot, I just saw Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Summer’s lease hath all too short a date.” ~ William Shakespeare

Friday Funny June 13, 2025 More Jokes for Friday the 13th

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Happy Friday!  Those of you with triskaidekaphobia are already aware that it is Friday the 13th.  Let’s face our fears and laugh at them.

Enjoy!

Since it is Friday the 13th, I think tonight’s dinner will be Fettuccine Afraid-O.

Since it is Friday the 13th, I made an appointment with my seamstresses, she knows a lot about superstitchins.

Last Friday the 13th, I dreamt that a horse in armor was chasing me, I think it was a Knightmare.

I figured that on Friday the 13th it would be acceptable to tell a serial killer joke as long as it is are properly executed.

I used to think walking under a ladder on Friday the 13th was bad luck. At my age, I realize it’s just poor balance.

The good news is, at my age, I’m no longer afraid of Friday the 13th anymore. The bad news is, I can’t remember why I was ever afraid in the first place.

I just dropped and smashed my disco ball. Now I’ve got like 7000 years bad luck.

I broke a mirror in my house, I’m supposed to get seven years of bad luck. But my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

Would you call a lady with bad luck Miss Fortune?

If you have consistent bad luck on the highway, would you call that car-ma?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise.”~ Victor Hugo

Friday Funny June 6, 2025 Jokes That Pay Dividends

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I’ve started investing in stocks; beef, chicken, and vegetable. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

My friend told me that I should invest in his start-up sword-making business.  He makes some excellent points.

Another friend wants me to invest in her start-up perfume businesses.  She makes scents.

I read about a guy who went to prison for investing in Apple, it turns out it was in cider trading.

Did you hear about the stock trader who was electrocuted?  He shorted Tesla.

I bought stock in a see-saw company, it has had its share of ups and downs.

I bought stock in a boomerang business. There is a guaranteed return on investment.

My investment broker retired to run a celery farm.  He thinks he can make a killing in the stalk market.

I heard about a bond and debt seminar where everyone fell asleep.  There was little or no interest.

I was going to invest in a new joke-sharing service, but it turns out it was just a punzi scheme.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Markets can remain irrational longer than you can remain solvent.” ~ John Maynard Keynes

Friday Funny May 30, 2025 A Swarm of Bug Jokes

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Happy Friday!  Around my house, it is time for another brood of the seventeen-year cicadas to make their presence known.  I thought I would celebrate with some bug jokes.

Enjoy!

Would you call the place where bugs get off the train an infestation?

Would you call an indecisive bee a maybe?

Would you call a really old ant an ant-ique?

Is it true that butterflies sleep on cater-pillows?

Did you hear about the dung beetle who walked into a diner and asked, “Is this stool taken?”

Did you hear about the butterfly that they would not let into the dance because it was a moth ball?

Did you hear about the lightning bug that went to college because he was very bright?

Did you know that there are few bugs that live on military bases? It is because of the strict no-fly zones.

I watched a great movie about a giant bug, it was XL-ant.

People who cannot distinguish between etymology and entomology bug me in ways I cannot put into words.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.”~ John Lithgow

Friday Funny May 23, 2025 Rounding Up Some More Cowboy Jokes

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Happy Friday! This weekend kicks off the unofficial start of summer with Memorial Day.  Here is wishing you a pleasant weekend and reminding you to reflect on the meaning of the holiday.

Enjoy!

Did you hear about the cowboy who died with his boots on because he did not want to stub his toe when he kicked the bucket?

Did you hear about the cowboy who cooked his beans on the range?

Did you hear about the cowboy who purchased a dachshund because he wanted to git along little doggie?

Did you hear about the spontaneous cowboy who was always making spur-of-the-moment decision?

Did you know that cowboys’ relationships tend to be stable?

Would you call a low-calorie takeout meal for a cowboy a saddle light dish?

Would you call a cowboy’s outfit ranch dressing?

Would you call a cowboy who tells dad jokes a pun-slinger?

If a cowboy puts one foot across the Canadian border is he fully in Canada or just aboot?

I heard that cowboys keep their cattle quiet by using the moooote button.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“A nation that does not honor its heroes will not long endure.” ~ Abraham Lincoln

Friday Funny May 16, 2025 Grammar Jokes

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Happy Friday!  Seems like as good a time as any for some grammar jokes – grammar not grandma.

Enjoy!

Did you hear about the noun and the verb that went on a date?  They couldn’t agree on anything.

Did you hear about the noun that broke up with the apostrophe because he was too possessive?

Did you hear about the semicolon that broke grammar laws? It was given two consecutive sentences.

Did you hear about the student who got hit in the head with a grammar book? He’s still in a comma.

Did you know that you cannot run through a campsite? You can only ran since its past tents.

A question mark and an exclamation mark went to a movie.  Neither one liked it, it was a period piece.

What did the intransitive verb say when someone said it was pretty? Nothing – intransitive verbs can’t take complements.

When I was young, there were only 25 letters in the alphabet. Nobody knew Y.

When an English teacher is upset, should you comfort her by gently saying “there, they’re, their”?

How many grammar teachers does it take to change a lightbulb? Too.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“A preposition is a terrible thing to end a sentence with.” ~ Winston S. Churchill

Friday Funny May 9, 2025 Mother’s Day 2025

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Happy Friday and Happy Mother’s Day.

Enjoy!

Motherhood is like Cinderella in reverse. You begin in a beautiful ball gown and end up in stained rags cleaning up after people.

Motherhood means that half the time you feel like you are running an asylum, and the other half you feel like you belong in one.

Are the best flowers to give on Mother’s Day mums?

Did you hear about the Mom accountant who thought the whole parenting thing was rather taxing?

Did you hear about the pirate who had found it difficult to call his Mom because she left the phone off the hook?

Did you hear about the Mom who always carried a pencil in case she had to draw the line somewhere?

Good Moms let you lick the beaters after making brownies, great Moms turn them off first.

Moms know that cleaning with children in the house is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos.

You know you’re a Mom when you understand why Mama Bear’s porridge was too cold.

I think Moms tell bad jokes because they want to help their kid become a  groan up.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“When children are little, they step on your toes.  When they get bigger, they step on your heart.” ~ My Mom