Author Archives: Leonard

What In The World Is Wassailing?

There are some songs that pop up on the radio this time of year that I have heard my entire life and that I have absolutely no idea what the song is about.  One, for instance, is “The Wassail Song.”  To start with I had no idea what “wassail” is.  According to the dictionary there are three  meanings of wassail: 1) an early English toast to someone’s health (OK); 2) a hot drink that is made with wine, beer, or cider, spices, sugar, and usually baked apples and is traditionally served in a large bowl especially at Christmastime (yet the song says it is the neighborhood children who are out wassailing), and 3) riotous drinking or revelry (see comment on 2) above).

There was also an ancient rite of wassailing trees that was known in parts of England.  According to one of these traditions, the men of the village would go out into the orchards carrying the wassail bowl (see 2) above), to alternately serenade and “browbeat” the apple trees. There were songs, dances and libations (for tree and man alike) until finally, in frustration, the trees would be threatened with the axe if they did not produce well in the coming year.

So, in essence a song about underage drinking and threatening violence against trees which are, by the way, the “kindest things I know, they do no harm, they simply grow.”  Below are the complete lyrics for “The Wassail Song”  I think next time it pops up on the radio, instead of singing along, I will change the station…..

Here we come a-wassailing
Among the leaves so green;
Here we come a-wand’ring
So fair to be seen.
Love and joy come to you,
And to you your wassail too;
And God bless you and send you a Happy New Year
And God send you a Happy New Year.

Our wassail cup is made
Of the rosemary tree,
And so is your beer
Of the best barley.
Love and joy come to you,
And to you your wassail too;
And God bless you and send you a Happy New Year
And God send you a Happy New Year.

We are not daily beggars
That beg from door to door;
But we are neighbours’ children,
Whom you have seen before.
Love and joy come to you,
And to you your wassail too;
And God bless you and send you a Happy New Year
And God send you a Happy New Year.

Call up the butler of this house,
Put on his golden ring.
Let him bring us up a glass of beer,
And better we shall sing.
Love and joy come to you,
And to you your wassail too;
And God bless you and send you a Happy New Year
And God send you a Happy New Year.

We have got a little purse
Of stretching leather skin;
We want a little of your money
To line it well within.
Love and joy come to you,
And to you your wassail too;
And God bless you and send you a Happy New Year
And God send you a Happy New Year.

Bring us out a table
And spread it with a cloth;
Bring us out a mouldy cheese,
And some of your Christmas loaf.
Love and joy come to you,
And to you your wassail too;
And God bless you and send you a Happy New Year
And God send you a Happy New Year.

God bless the master of this house
Likewise the mistress too,
And all the little children
That round the table go.
Love and joy come to you,
And to you your wassail too;
And God bless you and send you a Happy New Year
And God send you a Happy New Year.

Good master and good mistress,
While you’re sitting by the fire,
Pray think of us poor children
Who are wandering in the mire.
Love and joy come to you,
And to you your wassail too;
And God bless you and send you a Happy New Year
And God send you a Happy New Year.

Friday Funny December 10, 2021 Christmas Shopping Jokes

Happy Friday! The holiday season is in full swing, so to get you pumped up for shopping, here are some Christmas shopping jokes wrapped up just for you.

Enjoy!

Here is a tip on how to save a lot of money on Christmas shopping – simply express your political views on Facebook.

The other day I told my Mom that Amazon is the best place for Christmas shopping.  This morning she called me from Brazil.

I went into a toy store to do some early Christmas shopping and asked the assistant, “Where are the Arnold Schwarzenegger dolls?” He said, “Aisle B, back.”

My wife said to me that if I got her one more stupid gift this Christmas, she would burn it.  So, I bought her a candle.

I was Christmas shopping for my granddaughter so I asked what she was liked and my wife told me she likes “anything Frozen”. So, I got her some popsicles and some pizza rolls.

Is it true that Captain Nemo does not get any Christmas presents because he is always on the Nautilus?

I just bought my wife an artificial leg for Christmas.  It’s not her main present, just a stocking filler.

The only Christmas gift I got two years ago was a deck of sticky playing cards. I found that very hard to deal with.

The sweater my wife got me last Christmas kept picking up static electricity.  I took it back to the store and exchanged it for another one free of charge.

Last Christmas, my wife bought me new beads for my abacus. It is the little things that count.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Christmas is a necessity. There has to be at least one day of the year to remind us that we’re here for something else besides ourselves.” ~Eric Severeid

Revisiting Rudolph

It it time again for my “Rudolph Rant.” I just have to get out my soap box and try to open your eyes to what is really going on in one of the specials that is prevalent on TV this time time of year.

Every year since 1964, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer airs on television this time of the year.  It is one of four Christmas specials from the 1960’s that continue to make an annual yuletide appearance.  The others are How the Grinch Stole Christmas and A Charlie Brown Christmas (two of my favorites) and  Frosty the Snowman (one of my least favorites). 

I would imagine that you have seen Rudolph, probably many, many times.  But have you ever stopped to think much about this seemingly innocent story?  For instance have you ever noticed how mean and unSanta-like Santa is?  Have you noticed that Santa is portrayed as a self-centered, mean, impatient, old man.  He is certainly not a “right jolly old elf” by any means in this story.  Remember how all the Elves work long and hard on a song especially for Santa in their spare time?  The joyful elves present their song to an obviously disinterested Santa who responds at the end with “it needs work, I have to go.”  Perhaps Santa was preparing for a career as a judge on American Idol?  Later as Mrs. Claus is trying to fatten him up for the big day he whines, “How can I eat? That silly Elf song is driving me crazy!” 

Plus, if you think about it, Santa’s attitude toward Rudolph throughout the entire show is quite self-serving.  While Santa is initially impressed with Rudolph’s performance during the reindeer games, once Rudolph’s fake nose falls off Santa quickly changes his tune and scolds Rudolf’s father while the other reindeer children mock Rudolph.  Perhaps Santa needs #stopbullying.  It is only at the end when Santa realizes that completing his job is dependent on exploiting Rudolf’s unique abilities that he sees any real value in Rudolph.

After all these years, I still do not understand the Island of Misfit Toys.  Charlie in the Box is there because of his name?  Currently on ebay  you can buy a Sock Monkey in the Box, a Curious George in the Box, a Flipper in a Box, a Magic Dragon in the Box and a Sponge Bob Square Pants in the Box.  There are more than 200 listings for a Charlie in a Box! So what is the issue here?  I think it is his attitude the chip on his shoulder – not his name. 

What about the train with square wheels on the caboose.  Wasn’t Hermey a trained Elf?  Don’t you think a trained Elf could have made some round wheels for the caboose?  He probably could have helped the boat that sunk to be able to float as well.  Why didn’t Hermey help the misfit toys?  It seems to me that if Hermey really cared about the misfit toys, he could have helped a few of them out.  And by the way, at the end, was it really a good idea to let Hermey practice dentistry in his spare time without any formal training?  I wonder if he had any malpractice insurance? 

Then there was the Dolly for Sue.  What exactly was her problem?  Apparently Arthur Rankin of Rankin-Bass has stated that Dolly had psychological issues caused by being abandoned by Sue.  Well what kid wants a toy with psychological issues? Maybe they could market her as a doll that comes with her very own “baggage.” Perhaps she was a sister to the Talking Tina doll that made an appearance on an episode of The Twilight Zone.

Yukon Cornelius, would you let your young ones set off to the unknown with him as a guardian?  What exactly was he teaching impressionable little ones?  He throws his pick-axe into the snow, picks it up and licks it in hopes of finding silver or gold? What are the odds that would ever work?  Plus it must  be quite unsanitary and who would want to risk getting metal splinters on their tongue?

However, they saved the cruelest moment in the show for the end.  It is supposed to be a feel good moment as Santa delivers the long forgotten misfit toys.  Remember how an Elf comes out of Santa’s bag and starts giving each misfit toy a little umbrella as a parachute as he sends it to gently drift down to its new home?  Next time you watch Rudolph pay close attention to the misfit bird.  Remember the bird is a misfit because it can swim BUT IT CANNOT FLY.  The Elf holds the umbrella in one hand and the bird in the other, then he pauses and lets go of the misfit swimming bird.  He waves “bye-bye” as the “bird” free falls toward the earth.  If Less Nessman was on the scene he would no doubt say the bird “hit the ground like a sack of wet cement.”

And all these years, you thought Rudolph was a nice, innocent, little story.

Thought for the Week

Like I said, the outside world is up to its ears in danger. ~ Sam the Snowman, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer 

Friday Funny December 3, 2021 Year-End Financial Jokes

Happy Friday!  Happy December!  It is hard to believe that we are in the last month of 2021.  Besides the Holidays, December is also a time to review finances or at least a few financial jokes.

Enjoy!

Does Santa’s accountant have to value his sleigh at Net Present Value?

My financial advisor asked me “What’s your net worth?”  I said “I don’t own a net.”

My financial adviser is so bad…when I went into her office and asked her to check my balance, she tried to push me over.

Financial studies can be difficult.  Many people lose interest.

Never take financial advice from a chef – they like to whisk too much.

Is it true that the root cause of the financial system collapse in ancient Egypt was pyramid schemes?

It was very difficult to make a living as a composer in the 17th and 18th centuries – music was going through the Baroque era.

I visited a monastery and asked who handled the financial affairs – I was told “That’s nun of your business.”

I heard that in a cost cutting effort some banks are using trained insects to adjust customers’ balances – they’re the account ants

You know you are in bad shape when a hacker gets into your financials and he sets up   a go fund me for you.’

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket. ~ Frank Hubbard

Friday Funny November 19, 2021 Thanksgiving Puns

Happy Friday! Next week is Thanksgiving, so let me wish you a very Happy Thanksgiving Day and just in case you are in need of a few puns to have ready to share around the table, I am here to help.

Enjoy!

On Thanksgiving, I’m both grateful and gravy-ful.

This Thanksgiving, may your heart be as full as your plate.

Thanksgiving is totally my jam.

Thanksgiving, a day that really is much ado about stuffing.

Life just does not get any butter than this.

You know that I only have pies for you.

I have a crust on you.

Stuffing compares to you.

Let’s give ’em pumpkin’ to talk about.

Let’s get the gourd times rolling.

You know I’m all about that baste.

You think I’m done? Honey, you just ain’t seen stuffing yet.

Green bean casserole, pecan pie, sweet potatoes – when it’s Thanksgiving, there’s always more than just one side to the story.

Did you find this turkey recipe on Google, Google?

Stop, drop, and pass the rolls.

My family told me to stop telling Thanksgiving jokes, but I said I couldn’t quit cold turkey.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” ~ Albert Einstein

Friday Funny November 12, 2021 Amoeba Jokes

Happy Friday! Comedians are saying that it is getting harder every day to tell jokes because it seems not matter what one says, someone is offended. I think it is still safe to tell jokes about amoebas – at least until I hear from the APL (amoeba Protection League).

Enjoy!

Is it true that amoebas call their friends using cell phones?

If you crossed a ghost and an amoeba, would you get an amoeboo?

Is it true that the amoeba had difficulty in math class be it multiplied by dividing?

Did you hear about the amoeba who crossed the microscope to get to the other slide?

If an amoeba took its own picture would it be cell-fie?

An amoeba gets seated in a nice restaurant.  The waiter gives her a menu and says,  “Make sure to pay before you split.”

Would you call an amoeba that heats things up a microbe-wave?

One amoeba turns the amoeba next to hm and says, “You will always be a part of me.”

If a bacteria when travels from his home colony to another does she experience culture shock?

A paramecium and an amoeba are walking down the street. The amoeba asks “So, lacking any pseudopodia, how do you manage to get around? The paramecium replies “A cilia question I’ve never heard!”

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Humor is a social lubricant that helps us get over some of the bad spots.” ~ Steve Allen

Friday Funny November 5, 2021 Dino-jokes!

Happy Friday and Happy November! This week we are going way back in time and digging up some dinosaur jokes.

Enjoy!

Would you call an extinct animal that works in the rodeo a Bronco-Saurus?

Would you call a dinosaur with great dental hygiene habits a Flossiraptor?

Would you call a dinosaur in high heels a My-Feet-Are-Saurus?

Would you call a dinosaur with no eyes a Do-You-Think-He-Saw-Us?

Would you call a scared tyrannosaurus a Nervous-Rex?

Would you call a dinosaur eating a taco a Tyrannosaurus Mex?

Would you call a dinosaur who is a very poor driver a Tyrannosaurus Wrecks?

Would you call a dinosaur who does magic tricks a Tyrannosaurus Hex?

Would you call a “foodie” dinosaur a Connois-Saur?

Would you call a dinosaur who went into law enforcement a Tricera-Cop?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Autumn is a second spring when every leaf is a flower.” ~ Albert Camus

Friday Funny October 29, 2021 Halloween Jokes

Happy

Happy Friday! Happy Halloween! Here is wishing you your chare of candy without any cavities!

Enjoy!

I am thinking about entering a Halloween costume contest with Arnold Schwarzenegger this year. I am going as Beethoven.  Arnold will be Bach.

Last year a neighborhood girl came “trick or treating” dressed as Gloria Gaynor.  At first I was afraid.

Is it true that skeletons do not go trick or treating because they don’t have any body to with?

This year I am putting extra starch in my ghost costume, I am hoping t0 scare everyone  stiff.

I know a poltergeist who refuses to return my texts.  I think he might be ghosting me.

I saw a skeleton the other day who had a custodial job.  I think he was the Grim Sweeper.

I heard about a pumpkin who wanted to be a writer.  She thought she would try her hand at Pulp fiction.

Would you call a funny movie about two zombies finding true love, a zom-com?

This year I want to be something really scary for Halloween so I’m dressing up as a phone with the battery down to 3%.

The scariest costume I saw last year was the girl who came carrying a school fundraising packet.

Would a ghost attending a formal party wear a boo-tie?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“There are three things I’ve learned never to discuss with people: religion, politics, and the Great Pumpkin.” – Linus

Friday Funny October 22, 2021 More Random Thoughts

Happy Friday! Let me wish you a wonderful weekend and leave you with a few items to ponder.

Enjoy!

The other day, I was a witness to a ship wreck, all I could do was watch and let it sink in.

I gave my hermit crab a cell phone, now all he does is take shellfies.

I have a friend who is a claustrophobic astronaut, poor guy really needs some space.

Last week I witnessed an attempted murder, fortunately only one crow showed up.

It used to be that cosmetic surgery was a taboo subject, but now when you talk about Botox no one even raises an eyebrow.

Would hillbillies drink from hiccups?

When two snails fight do they slug it out?

If you have a can opener that doesn’t work any longer would that make it a can’t opener?

If you tell a “dad joke” but you are not a dad would that make you a faux pa?

I have a friend who like to photograph salmon in different clothing. Seems he likes shooting fish in apparel.

I watched hockey before it was cool, it was a lot like water polo.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.” – Bill Watterson

Friday Funny October 15,2021 Dog Jokes

Happy Friday! I hope you have had a good week. Let’s kick off the weekend with some jokes about man’s best friend.

Enjoy!

Would you call a dog that has been left outside in the cold a chili-dog?

Would you call a dog that likes taking a bath every day a shampoo-dle?

Would you call a dog that meditates an aware wolf?

Is it true that dogs run in circles because it is easier than running in squares?

If you crossed a sheepdog with a rose would you get a collie-flower?

Is it true that dogs like smartphones because they have collar IDs?

Are dogs’ barks loud because they have built-in sub-woofers?

If you crossed a frog with a dog would you get a croaker spaniel?

If you connect a Corgi to a battery would you get a short circuit?

If you cross a dog and a calculator would you get a friend you could count on?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

I love a dog, he does nothing for political reasons.” ~Will Rogers