Happy Friday! Thanksgiving is only a week away, so I thought I would beat the holiday rush and deliver some Thanksgiving jokes this week.
Enjoy!
I heard that turkeys prefer to travel by gravy train.
I once met a very the rude turkey, he was a real jerk-y.
Did you know that little pumpkins cross the road with the help of a crossing gourd?
If you crossed a turkey with a centipede, would you get drumsticks for everyone?
We served a cheese plate at Thanksgiving. I think everyone was grateful.
I heard that the cider mill keeps track of its inventory on an Apple iPad.
I heard about a cranberry that could not go to the Thanksgiving party because it was bogged down with work.
Did you know that Thanksgiving bread jokes stay funny because they never get mold?
What kind of shows do green beans do? Pod casts.
What did one turkey say to the other turkey when they first saw the pilgrims? “They look nice, maybe they’ll have us over for dinner.”
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“We tend to forget that happiness doesn’t come as a result of getting something we don’t have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have.” —Friedrich Koenig
Happy Friday! Welcome to November! Trick or Treat is past and Thanking is on the horizon. Take a few moments this Friday to ponder some random thoughts.
Does your stomach think that all potatoes are mashed?
If Earth really was flat, do you think the edge would be a tourist attraction?
If your dog picked a name for you, what would it be?
Could you say that beans bags are really boneless sofas?
Have you ever wondered why a theme park can snap a crystal clear picture of you on a roller coaster at 60+ mph, but a bank camera cannot get a clean shot of a robber standing still?
If tomatoes are fruit, then should ketchup be tomatoe jam?
Have you noticed how many people pull their phones out of their pockets to check the time? It would appear pocket watches have made a comeback. Maybe we should attach chains to them?
Did it ever occur to you that a different version of you exists in the minds of every person who knows you?
Did you ever realize that the number of people older than you never goes up?
Is it not odd that we say “tuna fish,” but we do not say “chicken bird“?
Did you ever notice that watermelon candy is often green; however the green part is what we do not ear with a real watermelon?
Have you noticed that you only say, “Hey, stranger,” to someone you already know?
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“The darker the night, the brighter the stars.” ~ Fyodor Dostoyevsky
It is almost time for Trick or Treat! So, to set the mood, I dusted off my copy of “Vampire Jokes and Cartoons”, Edited by Phil Hirsch and Paul Laikin, Pyramid Books, 1974. Somethings get better with age, unfortunately, these jokes are not among those things. On the bright side, almost fifty years later, I am still getting something out of my $0.95 investment!
It is hard for me to accept that this blog is almost ten years old. If you have enjoyed the blog, I would invite to check out my new podcast as well – Leonard Looks at Life – you can find it at https://www.buzzsprout.com/2234608
Enjoy!
What was the vampire doing driving on the turnpike? – Looking for the main artery!
Why do vampires like comedians? – They like things in a jocular vein!
Why aren’t vampires’ good gamblers? – They’re always making sucker bets!
Why did the vampire dig for gold? – He wanted to strike a rich vein!
What kind of work do vampires do? — They file their teeth!
Where do you usually find vampires? – In any neck of the woods!
When does a vampire have a bad day? – When he gets up on the wrong side of the coffin!
What happens when vampires get together? – They drive each other bats!
What kind of first aid to vampires give? – Mouth-to-neck resuscitation!
How do you kill a hungry vampire? – You drive a steak through his heart!
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“I got a rock.” ~ Charlie Brown in “It’s The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown”
Happy Friday! Fall is well underway and this is the time of year when it is easy to find quite a few horror movies on television. If you pay attention you can find some useful lessons in those movies.
Enjoy!
If your friends suggest you, or worse dare you to, stay overnight in an old, abandoned mansion on the outskirts of town, it is a good bet that they are not really your friends.
Real estate tip – don’t ever buy that house that is in a secluded area, surrounded by woods and is available at a “too good to be true” price. It is just not worth it.
If you find any inexplicably creepy dolls, DO NOT keep them in your house. Better yet, do not pick them up or even take notice of them.
If you stumble upon a Cursed Book or a Cursed Game – DO NOT open the book or play the game. Avoid this in the same way you avoid creepy dolls.
The creepy old man that everyone avoids is usually the only one that really understands the situation. Listen to him and do what he says.
On the other hand, never trust a brilliant psychopath, he is never has your best interests in mind.
Maybe it is a good idea to just keep your cell phone on vibrate, it seems in a horror movie nobody ever has their phone on silent while hiding, and of course, their phone always rings at the worst possible moment.
This is a great time of year to check your flashlight batteries. Make sure you have an extra set or three. You do not want your flashlights flickering and going at the worst possible moment.
If you hear an odd noise and someone says, “Oh, it’s probably just the wind.” Run out the front door as fast as you can, get in your car and drive away.
Speaking of cars – keep a tight grip on your keys, do not drop them as you are attempting to make your getaway.
Also, car related, this is a great time to check the condition of your tires, northing stops a getaway faster than a flat tire.
Last item about cars, this is also a great time to check the condition of your battery so that the car will start at that critical moment when the monster/ killer/alien is right at your door.
Despite all your car preparation if for some reason your car will not start and you find yourself running to get away, DO NOT run in a straight line down the middle of the road when being chased by a speeding car. Try weaving off the road where a car cannot follow you, this is one time where the dense trees of the forest could be your friend.
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.”~ Jack Torrance, The Shining (1980)
Happy Friday! As we approach the end of September, the college football season is well under way. If you do not have a favorite team, let me offer some interesting options.
Enjoy!
Anteaters of University of California/Irvine
Horned Frogs of Texas Christian University
Banana Slugs of the University of California/Santa Cruz
Boll Weevils of the University of Arkansas/Monticello
Black Flies of the College of the Atlantic
Claim Jumpers of Columbia College
Demon Deacons of Wake Forest
Dirtbags of Cal State Long Beach
Fighting Artichokes of Scottsdale Community College
Fighting Camels of Campbell University
Fighting Pickles of the North Carolina School of the Arts
Golden Flashes of Kent State University
Hatters of Stetson University
Hustlin’ Quakers of Earlham College
Ichabods of Washburn University
Purple Aces of the University of Evansville
Salukis of Southern Illinois University
Shockers of Wichita State
Sycamores of Indiana State University
Zips of the University of Akron
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“If the college you visit has a bookstore filled with t-shirts rather than books, find another college.”~ Albert Mohler Jr.
Happy Friday. After much contemplation, we are finally ready to give up our LAN line which made me think it was time for some more pone jokes.
Enjoy!
I left my phone under my pillow last night and woke up to $5 bill underneath it, I guess it must have been the Blue-tooth fairy
Is it true that the crow alighted on the telephone pole because he wanted to make a long distance caw?
You know, I just cannot picture myself without a camera phone.
I heard that is hard to contact a pirate because he always leaves his phone off the hook.
Fun Fact: On March 10th, 1876, Alexander Graham Bell made the first telephone call. Ten minutes later, he learned his auto warranty had expired.
Is it true that the burger was sitting by the phone incase onion rings?
Is it true that a horse only talks on the phone whinny wants to?
I put my phone into airplane mode, but it is not a very good transformer.
I enjoys writing jokes and storing them on my phone, you might say it is my Dad-a-base.
I once tried to get a job as a telephone operator; however, I sort of phoned in the interview and the HR Director did not think it was my true calling – so I’ve put those plans on hold for now.
I was going to list several more phone pun but I decided they were uncalled for.
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“Cell phones are so convenient that they’re an inconvenience.”~ Haruki Murakami
Happy Friday! Happy September! Happy Labor Day! Around here the corn is getting pretty tall, so it seems like a good time for some farm related humor.
Enjoy!
Is it true that cows have hooves instead of feet because they lactose?
I heard about a farmer who had a wooden tractor. It had wooden wheels, a wooden engine, wooden transmission and wooden work.
A farmer showed me his magic tractor, it turned into a field.
I had a friend who tore his rotator cuff while making butter on his farm. It was a really unfortunate churn of events.
Did you hear about the sad pig? He felt he was taken for grunted.
I tried to navigate the farmer’s field but it was a maize.
If there was a horse that lived next door, would he be your neigh-bor?
The farmer was going to tell his dog a joke about sheep, but he had herd them all.
If a chicken tells jokes would that make her a comedi-hen?
I read a story about a lettuce farmer who was arrested by the FDA on suspicion of combining plant and human DNA to create a new protein hybrid. When they dug up the grounds, they found human romaines.
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“The farmer has to be an optimist or he wouldn’t still be a farmer.” ~ Will Rogers
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