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Friday Funny January 17, 2019 More Dad Jokes

Happy Friday! Congratulations on making it through the first half of the first month of 2020!  To celebrate here are a few “Dad Jokes” for you.

Enjoy!

Justice is a dish best served cold, if it were served warm it would be justwater.

Would call an elephant that doesn’t matter an irrelephant?

Would you call a fish with two knees a two-knee fish!

Would you call the wife of a hippie Mississippi?

If a slice of apple pie is $4.50 in the Bahamas and $5.00 in Jamaica would those be the pie rates of the Caribbean?

The other day I was really down and a friend of mine kept saying “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.” I know he means well.

What did the horse say after it tripped? “Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!”

If you rearrange the letters of “Postmen”. They get really mad.

Did you hear about the drummer that had twin daughters? He named them Anna one, Anna two.

I’m thinking about removing my spine. I feel like it’s only holding me back.

Thought for the Week

“Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.” –Ferris Bueller

 

 

Happy New Year 2020!

 

If you are searching for a New Year’s Resolution, may I offer a few suggestions?

I resolve to be more decisive, maybe.

I resolve to have a password other than “password.”

I resolve to conserve energy by spending more time laying on the couch.

I resolve not to text a family member while we are both in the same room.

I resolve to limit myself to seventeen e-mail addresses.

I resolve to stop sending e-mails to myself unless absolutely necessary.

I resolve to chat with my spouse live instead of on Facebook.

I resolve to not say, “LOL… LOL!” out loud when I hear something funny.

I resolve to balance my checkbook — on my nose.

I resolve to be an optimist, forget that, I don’t think I can keep it.

I resolve to watch more TV, if I am paying for 250 channels, then by golly I need to watch 250 channels.

I resolve to learn how to program the VCR I purchased in 1998.

I resolve to get ready for Y2K.

 I resolve to figure out where Waldo is.

The Night Before Christmas In The Digital Age

I thought I would share an encore edition of a Friday Funny from 2009 (before I knew what a blog was).  So, with apologies to Clement Clarke Moore, here is my adaptation of his classic for the digital age.

Enjoy!

‘Twas the day before Christmas, when at my house

I was at the computer, moving the mouse;

It was time for another Friday Funny, does anyone care

If in the morning, the email inbox has a funny there?

Two of my boys were still nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of homemade cookies danced in their heads;

While mamma was working, I was off for the day,

It seemed like there was nothing funny for me to say,

When out on the Internet there arose such a clatter,

I sprang to my browser to see what was the matter.

Away to another window I flew like a flash,

Hoping as always that my computer would not crash.

The back-lighting of the monitor produced a glow

Which gave a slight luster to objects below,

As I wondered from web site to web site what should appear,

But a miniature sleigh jpg, complete with reindeer,

With a little driver icon, so lively and quick, I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.

More rapid than dsl downloads his cursers they came,

And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

“Now, Yahoo! now, Google! now, Facebook and Amazon!

On, ebay! on youtube! on, myspace and ask.com!

To the top of the screen! to the top of the wall!

Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!”

As deleted lines that before the backspace button fly,

When they meet with a click, mount to the sky,

So up to the screen-top the cursers they flew,

With a file full of toys, and St. Nicholas too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the speaker

The prancing and pawing of each little squeaker.

As I drew in my hand, and was scrolling around,

Downloading an mpeg, St. Nicholas came with a bound.

He was digitally dressed from his head to his foot,

And his clothes were photo-shopped with ashes and soot;

A bundle of toys he had superimposed on his back,

And he looked like a Trojan file just opening his pack.

His eyes — they pulsated! his dimples they grew!

His cheeks had roses painted on them, his nose was blue!

His droll little mouth transfigured to a bow,

And the beard of his chin turned into white snow;

His pipe was a tree stump he held tight in his teeth,

And the smoke wafted up and became a green wreath;

He had a broad face and a little round belly,

That shook, when he laughed and turned into jelly.

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,

And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;

Two winking eyes and a fast spinning head,

Soon gave me to know I had no virus to dread;

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

He backed up my hard drive; then turned with a jerk,

And laying his finger aside of his nose,

And giving a nod, up the window he rose;

He sprang to his jpg, to his team gave a whistle,

And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.

But I heard him exclaim, ere he deleted his cookie from sight,

“Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.”

© 2019 LeonardsLines.com

 

Friday Funny December 20, 2019 Short Christmas Jokes

Happy Friday!  Christmas and Hanukkah are just a few days away.  Here are a few seasonal jokes chosen just for that hard to shop for person on your list.

Enjoy!

If Santa Clause fell into the fireplace would he become Krisp Kringle?
 
Is it true that the one reindeer who needs to mind his manners the most is Rude-olph?
 
Is it true that the reindeer who has the cleanest antlers is Comet?
 
Is it true that Santa’s reindeer favorite place for lunch is Deery Queen?
 
Would you call a scary reindeer a cari-boo?

Do Gingerbread Men put cookie sheets on their beds?
 
Would you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time Sandy Claus?

If you crossed an iPad with a Christmas tree would you get a pineapple?
 
If Santa walks backwards does he go “oh oh oh”?
 
Q: What’s red, white and blue at Christmas time?  A: A sad candy cane!

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“No man is a failure who has friends.” — It’s a Wonderful Life

Friday Funny December 6, 2019 Christmas Knock Knock Jokes

 

Happy Friday!  Hopefully you have made it through all the Thanksgiving leftovers by now and are in full holiday swing.  Over the next few weeks there will probably be a number of opportunities to visit and interact with family, friends and co-workers and I know just what you are thinking – you are thinking, “I wish I had some Christmas ‘knock knock’ jokes to share.”  Well since you have been good this year, let me provide you with a few.  You can thank me later.

Enjoy!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Avery
Avery who?
Avery Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to you!

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Aurora.
Aurora who?
Aurora’s just come from the abominable snowman.

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Cole.
Cole who?
Cole is what you will get in your stocking this year.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Doughnut
Doughnut who?
Doughnut open your gifts until Christmas morning

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dewey.
Dewey who?
Dewey know how long it is until Santa gets here?

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dishes.
Dishes who?
Dish is a nice place to put the Christmas tree.

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Freeze.
Freeze who?
Freeze a jolly good fellow. Freeze a jolly good fellow…

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Gladys.
Gladys who?
Gladys Christmas. How about you?

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Honda.
Honda who?
Honda first day of Christmas my true love sent to me…

Knock. Knock.
Who’s there?
Hanna.
Hanna who?
Hanna partridge in a pear tree…

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Howard.
Howard who?
Howard you like to sing Christmas carols with me?

Knock knock
Who’s there?
Whada
Whada who?
Whada you want for Christmas?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Christmas will always be as long as we stand heart to heart and hand in hand.”            ~Dr. Seuss

Aluminum Christmas Trees

Thanksgiving is over and the holiday season is in full swing.  I enjoy seeing the neighborhood lights and the decorations in our house.  My wife has our tree up. I should say trees, there are too many ornaments for one tree, so we end up with one large tree and two or three small trees which spreads the spirit throughout the house.   

This is a lot different than the decorating that I remember from my childhood.  Occasionally we had a live tree but when I am visited by Ghosts of Christmas Past there is one tree that stands out and it was an aluminum tree.  It was not an artificial tree that was supposed to look like a real tree, it was a silver tree that was supposed to be futuristic, I guess in those early days of the space age we were dreaming of living like The Jetsons.

Aluminum trees began to show up in the 1950s and quickly caught on but, thankfully, just as quickly fell out of favor by the end of the 1960s.  The aluminum Christmas tree even made an appearance in the holiday classic A Charlie Brown Christmas where Charlie Brown used it to symbolize the commercialization of Christmas.

The most enjoyable part of putting up the aluminum tree was pulling the branches out of the paper sleeves that they were stored in (I guess these kept the branches “fresh” while in storage). Branches were inserted into drilled holes in the base and voilà!  –  you had a tree that looked anything but real.  Add some colored ball-shaped ornaments and the job was finished.  No need for tinsel, that would just be redundant.  For fire safety reasons, lights were eschewed, they might cause a short.  But there was an accessory that could be added: a spot light with a rotating three color wheel!  An even more dramatic effect could be added by having a rotating tree stand.  I guess I came from a deprived childhood because we did not have the rotating stand or the rotating color wheel, But it was festive to me and it meant Christmas was coming soon.

Somehow, I managed to survive and have many joyous memories of childhood Christmases.  I enjoy the Christmas season, I enjoy our tree and its ornaments; however, I am fine with a tree that looks like a tree and I do not long to ever have another aluminum Christmas tree.

 

© 2019 LeonardsLines.com

Picky About Pecan Pie

Thanksgiving is so close that I can almost smell it!  The day provides a plethora of smells that slowly build over the course of the day until the much-anticipated time of feasting arrives.  Everyone has their favorite Thanksgiving dish.  For you it may be turkey or dressing or mashed potatoes or giblet gravy or sweet potatoes or oysters or homemade roles or just maybe it is dessert!  One of my all-time favorite Thanksgiving treats is pecan pie.  Not just any pecan pie- specifically my Mom’s pecan pie.  Make no mistake, my wife is a fantastic cook as evidenced by my steadily increasing waistline over the years.  But my Mom’s pecan pie has been one of my favorites since long before I had even met my wife.

Now you might label me a heretic for preferring pecan pie to pumpkin pie but perhaps I am just more enlightened.  Pumpkin pie was not served that first Thanksgiving, they may have served a pumpkin custard which was cooked and served in the pumpkin which sounds rather nasty anyway.  But I am just not a fan of pumpkin pie.  If you give me a sufficient quantity of whipped cream to go along with the pie, I can eat it, but it is not my favorite.  Honestly, doesn’t pumpkin pie seem like baby food baked in a pie crust?  Here is something for you to chew on – depending on how you define “pumpkin” there may not even be any of it in that pumpkin pie to profess to like!  When you hear the word “pumpkin” the image that pops instantly into your mind is probably a round, bright orange one like the one you purchased at Halloween to carve into a jack-o-lantern.  That kind is edible, but it is not very good for cooking.  The word “pumpkin” can apply to two of the three varieties of winter squash and within these two varieties can be found the Dickinson pumpkin which is not nearly as photogenic as the nice picture that is on the label, but does work much better for making pies.  Your can of pumpkin is most likely a Dickinson pumpkin with a misleading profile photo.

Which brings me back to pecan pie.   I much prefer pecan pie to pumpkin. But I am picky.  I do not like pecan pies that are too soupy or too hard or the crust is too dry and or the pecans are chopped into tiny pieces and almost every pecan pie I have ever purchased or been served has at least one of those issues.  But not my Mom’s pecan pie.  In my memory every one has been perfect – firm, sweet, the top covered with pecan halves, cooked just right.  I can almost taste it this very minute. 

Enjoy your pumpkin pie if you want, that will leave a few more slices of pecan pie for me.

Happy Thanksgiving!

 

 

© 2019 LeonardsLines.com