Category Archives: Uncategorized

Friday Funny March 21, 2025 Spring Is In The Air!

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Happy Friday! Happy Spring! Congratulations on surviving another winter!  With spring in the air and plants coming back to life, it seemed like a good time to resurrect these spring jokes.

Enjoy!

This spring I have decided to get serious about gardening.  But there is a bit of a mystery.  Every time I go out to my flower beds it looks like someone has dumped additional soil on them. I am clueless as to who is doing this; the plot thickens.

I am hoping that this year I can grow as much green stuff in my garden as I do in my refrigerator. 

Since I am relatively new to gardening, I have accepted the fact that I will most likely be learning by trowel and error. 

When I went to the garage looking for my light, spring jacket I discovered that I had left a packet of seeds in one of my pockets. Now I have a Chia jacket!

I went to Lowe’s to buy some gardening supplies.  At first I found the gardening section to be a hosta environment.  But then I saw Michael J. Fox!  I am pretty sure it was him, he had his back to the fuchsias.

I did purchase a couple of fruit trees and to help me get started they even threw in some insects to aid with pollination. They were free bees.

On my way out I ran into a research assistant who had not been able to do any plant experiments, it appears that he hadn’t botany.

However, I do have a fear of roses.  I realize, for a gardener, this is a thorny issue. I’m not sure what it stems from, but it seems that I am stuck with it.

Did you know that in  some conifer forests, you can’t cedar wood for the trees?

Thought for the Week

“In the Spring, I have counted 136 different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours.” ~ Mark Twain

Friday Funny March 14, 2025 Happy St. Patrick’s Day

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Happy Friday!  With St. Patrick’s Day almost upon us, it seems appropriate to provide a few St. Patrick’s Day related jokes to kick off the weekend.

Enjoy!

Did you hear about the leprechaun who put lepre-coins in the vending machine?

Is it true that leprechauns love to garden because they have green thumbs?

Did you know that leprechauns work out by pushing their luck?

Is it true that leprechauns prefer to post their selfies on Insta-sham?

Did you hear about the leprechaun that opened a store? He’s a small business owner now.

If you crossed a leprechaun with a yellow vegetable, would you get a lepre-corn?

Are the best athletic shoes to wear on St. Patrick’s Day Lepre-converse?

Would you call an Irishman who is bouncing off the walls Rick O’Shay?

Would you call a leprechaun’s vacation home a lepre-condo?

I’m not going to wear green on St. Patrick’s Day, but plan on wearing blue pants and a yellow shirt, isn’t that pretty much the same thing?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“A good friend is like a four-leaf clover, hard to find and lucky to have.” ~ Irish proverb

Friday Funny January 17, 2025 A Ton of Elephant Jokes

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Happy Friday!  Seems like as good a time as any for some elephant jokes.

Enjoy!

I heard that the best way to raise a baby elephant is with a forklift.

Would you an elephant that doesn’t matter –  irrelephant?

If you crossed an elephant with a fish, would you end up with swimming trunks?

Is it true that elephants are afraid to go to computer stores because they sell mice?

I heard that elephants make excellent employees because they can multi-tusk.

Some elephants started a band, but they only play “heavy” metal.

I heard that elephants need trunks because they don’t have handbags.

I heard that elephants cannot fly because their trunks will not fit under the seat.

Did you know that elephants keep cool in the summer with ear conditioning?

Did you know that Dumbo’s favorite font is Ella font?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip.” ~ Will Rogers

Friday Funny January 3, 2025 Short Jokes to Begin the Year

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Happy Friday! Welcome to 2025, here is wishing you all the best for the new year.

Enjoy!

If you get advice from a cow, would you call that beef tips?

Would you call a musician with problems a trebled man?

What do you call an obese psychic a four-chin teller?

Is it true that pediatricians are grumpy because they have little patients?

I heard that barbers are never late for work because they know all the short cuts.

If a frog’s car breaks down does he get it toad away?

If someone who does not like carbs would that make them lack-toast intolerant?

If I wrote you an apology using in dots and dashes, would that be Re-Morse code?

The other day I found glasses on my cell-phone, it seems it had lost its contacts.

I like elephants. Everything else is irrelephant.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Your present circumstances don’t determine where you can go, they merely determine where you start.” ~ Nido Qubein

You can check out my podcast at the following link:

The Night Before Christmas In The Digital Age

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It is Christmas Eve, so time for me once again to apologize to Clement Clarke Moore and share my adaptation of his classic for the digital age.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Enjoy!

‘Twas the day before Christmas, when at my house

I was at the computer, moving the mouse;

It was time for another Friday Funny, does anyone care

If in the morning, the email inbox has a funny there?

Two of my boys were still nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of homemade cookies danced in their heads;

While mamma was working, I was off for the day,

It seemed like there was nothing funny for me to say,

When out on the Internet there arose such a clatter,

I sprang to my browser to see what was the matter.

Away to another window I flew like a flash,

Hoping as always that my computer would not crash.

The back-lighting of the monitor produced a glow

Which gave a slight luster to objects below,

As I wondered from web site to web site what should appear,

But a miniature sleigh jpg, complete with reindeer,

With a little driver icon, so lively and quick, I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.

More rapid than dsl downloads his cursers they came,

And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

“Now, Yahoo! now, Google! now, Facebook and Amazon!

On, ebay! on youtube! on, myspace and ask.com!

To the top of the screen! to the top of the wall!

Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!”

As deleted lines that before the backspace button fly,

When they meet with a click, mount to the sky,

So up to the screen-top the cursers they flew,

With a file full of toys, and St. Nicholas too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the speaker

The prancing and pawing of each little squeaker.

As I drew in my hand, and was scrolling around,

Downloading an mpeg, St. Nicholas came with a bound.

He was digitally dressed from his head to his foot,

And his clothes were photo-shopped with ashes and soot;

A bundle of toys he had superimposed on his back,

And he looked like a Trojan file just opening his pack.

His eyes — they pulsated! his dimples they grew!

His cheeks had roses painted on them, his nose was blue!

His droll little mouth transfigured to a bow,

And the beard of his chin turned into white snow;

His pipe was a tree stump he held tight in his teeth,

And the smoke wafted up and became a green wreath;

He had a broad face and a little round belly,

That shook, when he laughed and turned into jelly.

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,

And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;

Two winking eyes and a fast spinning head,

Soon gave me to know I had no virus to dread;

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

He backed up my hard drive; then turned with a jerk,

And laying his finger aside of his nose,

And giving a nod, up the window he rose;

He sprang to his jpg, to his team gave a whistle,

And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.

But I heard him exclaim, ere he deleted his cookie from sight,

“Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.”

© 2019 LeonardsLines.com

Friday Funny December 6, 2024 Candy Cane Jokes

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Happy Friday!  With Christmas fast approaching, it seemed like a like a good time to unwrap some candy cane jokes.

Enjoy!

Santa never has to worry about the state of his candy cane collection because  they are all in mint condition.

When a gingerbread man breaks his leg, does he use candy canes?

If a candy cane could talk, would he say what he mint?

I heard that the candy cane crossed the road to avoid getting licked.

If a candy cane was sad, would it be red, white, and blue?

If a dog ate to many candy canes would it have a peppermint bark?

Would you call a sharpened candy cane a spearmint?

Candy canes are kind of like relationships—sweet, with a few twists.

Would a candy cane’s favorite subject in school be Math-mint-ics?

Would a candy cane’s favorite types of fruit be candy-lopes and cle-mint-ines?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?” – Bob Hope

You can find my latest podcast at

https://www.iheart.com/podcast/269-leonard-looks-at-life-126237165/episode/what-to-wear-245178273/

Friday Funny October 18, 2024 Random Thoughts for Friday

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Happy Friday!  There is a chill in the air as we come to the second half of October.  Here are some random thoughts/jokes to kick off this Friday.

Enjoy!

I heard that some engineers have made a car that can run on mint. I am waiting to see if they can make buses and trains that run on thyme. 

Word of advice, never get into a fight with Tryptophan, it’s amino acid.

Did you hear about the database administrator who was good at her job? She had great table manners.

Is the proper way to use a stress ball throwing it at the last person to upset you?

I am thinking we have enough youth. How about a fountain of “Smart”?

You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

I went to the doctor with a suspicious-looking mole. Dr. said they all look that way and I should have left him in the garden. 

I think they picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I’m around!

I was going to tell a carpentry joke but I couldn’t find any that woodwork.

I sympathize with batteries. I’m not included in anything either.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“I’m so glad I live in a world where there are Octobers.”~ L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables

Friday Funny September 27, 2024 Jokes for Fall

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Happy Friday!  The days are getting shorter and the leaves are turning, it must be time for some fall jokes.

Enjoy!

Is it true that pumpkins sit on people’s porches because they do not have hands to knock on the door?

Is it true that a scarecrow’s favorite fruit is strawberries?

The best time to make a jack-o-lantern is whenever you can carve it out.

Next week I am going shopping for Reynolds Wrap because my wife said she wanted to see fall foliage.

If a horse refuses to pull a wagon through the pumpkin patch would that make it a neigh ride?

Would you call a pumpkin that works at the beach a life gourd?

If you eat too much pumpkin pie, would you autumn’y ache?

Did you hear about the robot couple who had their anniversary in the fall because they were autumn mated?

Did you hear about the apple that cried because its peelings were hurt?

Did you hear about the leaf that went to the doctor because it was feeling a bit crumbly?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“There is a harmony in autumn, and a luster in its sky.” ~ Percy Bysshe Shelley

Friday Funny July 26, 2024 More Dog Days of Summer Jokes

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Happy Friday! We are approaching the end of July and heading into August.  I suppose you could say we are heading into the Dog Days of Summer.  So, why not some dog jokes this week?

Enjoy!

A friend told me that every day when he gets home, he asks his dog how his day was, and every day he always receives the same reply, “Ruff.”

I once bought a dog from a blacksmith, as soon as I got him home, he made a bolt for the door.

The other day, I thought I saw a white dog, but after I spotted it I noticed it looked more like a Dalmatian.

I took my dog to the lake to day and noticed he floats very well, he’s a good buoy!

Did you hear about the dog who was stealing shingles because he wanted to become a woofer?

I heard that the difference between a businessman and a warm dog is that the businessman wears a suit but the dog just pants.

I recently planted a pet tree, and it’s like having a pet dog except the bark is much quieter.

Did you know that Corgi are not funny because all of them are really short?

If you connect a Corgi to a battery, would you get a short circuit?

Would you call a large dog that meditates an aware wolf?

Doesn’t it seem odd that dogs always race to the door when the doorbell rings since it is almost never for them?

I have prepared a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: if you send me $19.95 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“The tales of summer are as endless as the heatwaves that ripple across the horizon.” ~ Renee Ahdieh

PODCAST ALERT!!

You can check out the latest episode of “Leonard Looks At Life” at this link: https://www.iheart.com/podcast/269-leonard-looks-at-life-126237165/episode/time-is-money-199043446/

Friday Funny July 19, 2024 Laws of Nature

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Happy Friday!  As you approach another weekend, I want to help you stay on the right side of the law.  So please not the unique laws below and behave accordingly.

Enjoy!

In Mississippi, it is illegal to give beer to an elephant.

In Florida, it is illegal to park to tie your elephant to a parking meter without paying the parking fee.

In San Francisco, it is illegal to take your elephant on a walk unless it is on a leash.

In Massachusetts, it is illegal to have a gorilla in the backseat of your car.

In Nevada, it is illegal to have a camel on the highway.

In Missouri, it is illegal to wrestle a bear.

In Arizona, it is illegal to let your donkey sleep in the bathtub.

In Alabama, it is illegal to blindfold your pets in the car.

In Idaho, it is illegal to allow your pet to smoke a cigar.

In Minnesota, it is illegal for a cat to chase a dog up a telephone pole.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“At his best, man is the noblest of all animals; separated from law and justice he is the worst.” ~ Aristotle

It has been a few weeks, but I have dropped a new podcast – you can find it at the following link.

https://www.buzzsprout.com/2234608/episodes/15420399-time-for-another-podcast