Happy Friday! Winter is behind us and spring is here and spring means it is baseball season! Opening Day was today, so to get you in the swing of things, here are some heckle lines you can break out next time you go to a game. But, please don’t use these at your child’s little league game.
Enjoy!
You’ve got fewer hits than Vanilla Ice!
You’ve got fewer hits than an Amish website!
I’ve seen better swings at the playground!
I’ve seen better cuts at the deli!
I’ve seen better cuts on a Bee-Gee’s album!
In your case DH stands for Doesn’t Hit!
Hey, Mendoza called. He wants his line back!
This guy hasn’t driven anybody home since the senior prom!
I saw better bats at Mammoth Cave!
That was a Linda Ronstadt pitch – it Blue Bayou!
This guy couldn’t hit a shift key!
This guy swings like a rusty gate!
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“My motto was always to keep swinging. Whether I was in a slump or feeling badly or having trouble off the field, the only thing to do was keep swinging.” ~ Hank Aaron
Happy Friday! Happy Spring! Congratulations on surviving another winter! With spring in the air and plants coming back to life, it seemed like a good time to resurrect these spring jokes.
Enjoy!
This spring I have decided to get serious about gardening. But there is a bit of a mystery. Every time I go out to my flower beds it looks like someone has dumped additional soil on them. I am clueless as to who is doing this; the plot thickens.
I am hoping that this year I can grow as much green stuff in my garden as I do in my refrigerator.
Since I am relatively new to gardening, I have accepted the fact that I will most likely be learning by trowel and error.
When I went to the garage looking for my light, spring jacket I discovered that I had left a packet of seeds in one of my pockets. Now I have a Chia jacket!
I went to Lowe’s to buy some gardening supplies. At first I found the gardening section to be a hosta environment. But then I saw Michael J. Fox! I am pretty sure it was him, he had his back to the fuchsias.
I did purchase a couple of fruit trees and to help me get started they even threw in some insects to aid with pollination. They were free bees.
On my way out I ran into a research assistant who had not been able to do any plant experiments, it appears that he hadn’t botany.
However, I do have a fear of roses. I realize, for a gardener, this is a thorny issue. I’m not sure what it stems from, but it seems that I am stuck with it.
Did you know that in some conifer forests, you can’t cedar wood for the trees?
Thought for the Week
“In the Spring, I have counted 136 different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours.” ~ Mark Twain
Happy Friday! We have come to the end of February, I hope 2025 has not been boring for you so far.
Enjoy!
A lot of people think camping is boring, I say it’s in tents.
A lot of people think frogs are boring, I say they are ribbiting.
A lot of people think owls are boring, I say they are a hoot.
A lot of people think whiteboards are boring, I say they are remarkable.
I find anesthesiology jokes boring, they always put me to sleep.
I find history is a boring subject, you never learn anything new.
My dog is a pretty boring storyteller, he only has one tail.
Yesterday I saw a pretty boring hypnotist, I can’t even remember a single thing.
You know that you’re a really boring person when someone steals your identity and then tries to give it back.
I find most math puns to be boring: algebra puns are too linear, arithmetic puns are too basic, trigonometry puns are too graphic, calculus puns are all derivatives. Only the statistic puns are the occasional outlier.
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“Few of us write great novels; all of us live them.” ~ Mignon McLaughlin
Happy Friday! Happy Valentine’s Day! This is a day when love is celebrated. As I think back on some of the most popular songs of the 1970’s, it makes me wonder if they were giving very good advice about matters of the heart?
Enjoy!
“Babe” – Styx
“Babe, I’m leaving
I’ll say it once again
And somehow try to smile
I know the feeling
We’re trying to forget
If only for a while”
Love means: I am leaving – deal with it.
“I’d Really Love to See You Tonight”—England Dan & John Ford Coley
“And I was thinking maybe later on
We could get together for a while
It’s been such a long time
And I really do miss your smile
I’m not talking about moving in
And I don’t want to change your life
But there’s a warm wind blowing, the stars are out
And I’d really love to see you tonight”
Love means: I would like to hang out with you, but don’t expect any real commitment from me.
“I’m Not in Love”—10cc
“I like to see you, but then again
That doesn’t mean you mean that much to me
So if I call you, don’t make a fuss
Don’t tell your friends about the two of us”
Love means: not much, don’t make a big deal out of it.
“Baby Come Back”—Player
“All day long, I’m wearing a mask of false bravado
Trying to keep up a smile that hides a tear
But as the sun goes down, I get that empty feeling again”
Love means: putting on a good show when your heart is broken.
“More Than a Feeling”—Boston
”So many people have come and gone
Their faces fade as the years go by
Yet I still recall as I wander on
As clear as the sun in the summer sky”
Love means: memories fade over time.
“On and On”—Stephen Bishop
“Got the sun on my shoulders
And my toes in the sand
Woman’s left me for some other man
Aw, but I don’t care
“I’ll just dream and stay tan
Toss up my heart and see where it lands.”
Love means: You get hurt so often you stop caring.
“Lonesome Loser”—Little River Band
“Unlucky in love, least that’s what they say
He lost his head and he gambled his heart away
He still keeps searching though there’s nothing left
Staked his heart and lost, now he has to pay the cost”
Love Means: Love is a lot like buying a lottery ticket – the odds are stacked against you.
“The Things That We Do for Love”—10CC
“Too many broken hearts have fallen in the river
Too many lonely souls have drifted out to sea
You lay your bets and then you pay the price
The things we do for love”
Love Means: Love is a lot like buying a lottery ticket – the odds are stacked against you.
“Baby Don’t Get Hooked on Me”—Mac Davis
“Just keep it friendly, girl
Cause I don’t wanna leave
Don’t start clinging to me, girl
Cause I can’t breathe”
Love means: I will hang around as long as it is convenient for me.
“Love Hurts”—Nazareth
“Love hurts, love scars
Love wounds and mars
Any heart
Not tough or strong enough
To take a lot of pain, take a lot of pain”
Love means: Love hurts – should probably avoid it
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby—awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess.” ~ Lemony Snicket
Happy last Friday in January! Hope 2025 has gotten off to a great start for you. This week, I am offering up some random, useless facts circulating on the Internet. I won’t guarantee they are all true, but my guess is you will probably try to verify at least one of them.
Enjoy!
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour – could this be the next big diet craze?
Every time you lick a stamp, you’re consuming 1/10 of a calorie – so you might have to bang your head against the wall a few more times after getting the mail together.
The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra’s “Its A Wonderful Life”.
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds – I think I know some people who are part goldfish.
The phrase “rule of thumb” is derived from and old English law which stated that you couldn’t beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple.
Dreamt” is the only English word that ends in the letters “mt”.
All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill – you want to get a magnifying glass right now, don’t you?
Did you know you share your birthday with at least 9 other million people in the world? – so much for “your special day.”
In Casablanca, Humphrey Bogart never said “Play It Again, Sam.”
Sherlock Holmes never said “Elementary, My Dear Watson.”
A Cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death – wonder what it does for those nine days?
A Boeing 747’S wingspan is longer than the Wright Brother’s first flight.
Charlie Chaplin once won third place in a Charlie Chaplin lookalike contest.
“Hang On Sloopy” is the Official Rock Song of Ohio.
In 1977 there were 37 Elvis impersonators in the world. In 1993, there were 48,000. At this rate, it will not be long before one out of every three people will be an Elvis impersonator.
Thought for the Week
Good for the body is the work of the body, and good for the soul is the work of the soul, and good for either is the work of the other. ~Henry David Thoreau
Happy Friday! Now that we are past the half-way point of January, we are back at work with our noses to the grindstones, so let’s kick off the weekend with some work-related humor.
Enjoy!
Did you hear about the spreadsheet that went to therapy because it had cell issues?
Did you hear about the PowerPoint presentation that crossed the road to get to the other slide?
Is it true that accountants can stay calm because they know how to balance their worries?
I always keep a clock under my desk so I can work overtime.
I told my boss I saw a deer on the way to work. He said, “How do you know it was going to work?”
Where I work, we are so eco-friendly that even the food in the fridge is green and growing.
I asked if I could leave work early the other day, and the boss said, “yes, if I made up the time.” I said, “sure, it’s seventy-five past twenty-three.”
I had to phone the credit card company today; the answering recording stated all the client representatives were engaged. I thought that was nice, but it does not help me resolve my issue.
I think I got my job because of my motivational skills. People say they have to work twice as hard when I’m around.
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes, so she gave me a hug.
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“You’ve got to think about the big things while you’re doing the small things so that all the small things go in the right direction.” ~ Alvin Toffler
Leonard's Lines 