Happy last Friday in January! 2022 is almost 1/12 over which is hard to believe.  What is even harder to believe is that the Cincinnati Bengals are playing in the ACF Championship this weekend.  Maybe, just maybe, the tide is turning for the franchise that has been the brunt of jokes for too long.  So let’s kick off the weekend with some football jokes.

Who-Dey!

Is it true that when football players begin to have vision problems, they become referees?

Would you call an offensive lineman’s kid a chip off the old blocker?

Should centers wear hiking shoes?

Joe Burrow tried to tell a joke to his receivers but it went over their heads.

As the Bengals were boarding the plane for Kansas City, Mike Brown went up the service desk and said, “Put me in coach!”

If you crossed Joe Burrow with a carpet would you get a throw rug?

If you do not want to catch Covid-19 try dressing up as an NFL referee because they never seem to know what a catch is.

I heard that Joe Burrow had a dream that he would be an NFL quarterback – it appears his prediction came to pass.

Is it true that centipedes are not allowed to play football teams because it takes them too long to put their cleats on?

Is it true that old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away?

This week I wanted to make the Friday Funnies about football, I guess it is my goal post.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“When you win, say nothing. When you lose, say less.” ~ Paul Brown

Happy Friday!  I hear there is a big football game this weekend, so here are a few jokes that you can break out of the huddle with.

Enjoy!

Did you hear about the running back who hurt his back trying to run around his own end? 

Did you hear about the football player who ran through a screen door?  He strained himself.

Did you hear about the football team that hired a small ghost because they needed a little team spirit?

Is it true that centipedes are not allowed to play football because it takes them too long to tie their cleats?

Is it true that when football players begin to have problems with their eyesight, they become referees?

Would you call the son of an offensive lineman a chip off the old blocker?

Do centers wear hiking shoes on their feet?

When quarterbacks get too old to play do they put them put them out to pass-ture?

Did you hear about the football team that fumbled an exorcism? The guy retained possession.

If the coach’s dog ran onto the field during a game would the referee call that an ineligible retriever down field?

How did Scrooge end up with the football?  The ghost of Christmas passed.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“We can’t run. We can’t pass. We can’t stop the run. We can’t stop the pass. We can’t kick. Other than that, we’re just not a very good football team right now.” ~ Bruce Coslet on the Cincinnati Bengals team he was coaching.

Happy Friday!  The NFL is entering into week 6 and there are 4 teams that have yet to win their first game.  Among those is the once-again bottom dwelling Bengals.  In 1970 the Cleveland Browns traded Paul Warfield who was my favorite player and that was  the end of be being a Browns fan.  I rooted for the Bengals through thick and thin (there was a lot more thin) for forty years.  At the conclusion of the 2010 season I made what has appeared to be a wise choice and decided to just not care about the Bengals or the NFL any longer.  However, just because I do not consider myself a fan any longer, does not mean that I cannot have a laugh at the expense of the Bengals.

Enjoy!

Q: What do the Bengals and the United States Postal Service have in common?

A: Neither one delivers on Sunday.

Q:  Why don’t they make Bengals jerseys for preschoolers?

A:  They are choking hazards.

Q:  What is the most popular pastry with the Bengals?

A: Turnovers.

Q: Why don’t former Bengals players make good trial lawyers?

A:  They have no defense.

Q: Why do the Bengals watch their game films in reverse?

A:  They gain more yards that way.

Q: How many Bengals does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Two, one to screw the bulb in and one to recover the fumble.

Q: How do the Bengals count to 10?

A: 0-1, 0-2, 0-3, 0-4, 0-5, 0-6, 0-7, 0-8, 0-9, 0-10.

Q: Name four things that adults should stop believing in.

A:  Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy and the Cincinnati Bengals.

Q: Why doesn’t Andy Dalton use the phone anymore?

A: Because he can’t find the receiver.

Q: What do the Bengals and a Chick-Fil-A manager have in common?

A: Neither one shows up for work on Sunday.

Q: Why are the Bengals like a grizzly bear?

A: They both go into hibernation in the fall.

Q: What’s the difference between the Bengals and a dollar bill?

A: You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.

Q: What do the Bengals and possums have in common?

A: They both play dead at home and get killed on the road!

Q: How many Bengals does it take to change a tire?

A: Only one, unless it’s a blowout, in which case they all show up.

Q: Why don’t the Bengals have a website?

A: They can’t string three “W’s” together.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Football combines the two worst things about America: it is violence punctuated by committee meetings.” ~ George Will

Happy Friday!  This is the weekend for the big game.  I had the TV on tonight and there were commercials for Super Bowl related hype Friday Night and Saturday Night leading up to the all day pregame Sunday which served to remind me why I will once again not watch the game.  If you think about it, the actual game is quite secondary to the commercials and the half-time lip syncing show.  But if you find yourself at a Super Bowl party Sunday and the game get boring and you need a football related joke.  Well, I am here for you.

Enjoy!

Where do hungry football players play?   In the Supper Bowl.

What kind of ends do you find in libraries?  Book ends.

what’s the difference between a quarterback and a baby?  One takes the snap, the other takes a nap.

Which football team cooks gourmet meals together?  The Kansas City Chefs.

Which player is the easiest target to hit with the football? The wide receiver.

What does your teacher call if you run your sentences  together and never use periods or commas?   “Illegal use of ands”

What football player has very strong legs and builds houses? A car-punter.

Why did the referee call a penalty on the car-punter?  “Roofing the passer.”

What should you put in the end zone to keep the other team away?  A scorecrow.

THE OTHER BIG GAME

During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the small animals. The big animals were crushing small animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.

At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss.

As the defensive players huddled around the coach, he asked excitedly, “Who stopped the elephant?!”

“I did,” said the centipede.

“And who stopped the rhino?”

“Uh, that was me too,” said the centipede.

“Well what about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?”

“Well, that was me as well,” said the centipede.

“So where were you all during the first half?” demanded the coach.

“Well,” said the centipede, “I was having my ankles taped…..”

Thought for the Week

“I had pro offers from the Detroit Lions and Green Bay Packers, who were pretty hard up for linemen in those days. If I had gone into professional football the name Jerry Ford might have been a household word today.” ~ President Gerald Ford

Happy Friday!  We are at the midpoint of the NFL season and tonight the eyes of the NFL have been on Cincinnati for the Battle of Ohio Part I.  So, here are a few football jokes to kick off your weekend.

Enjoy!

What does your teacher call it if you run your sentences together and never use periods or commas?           Illegal use of ands.

What football player has very strong legs and builds houses?           A car-punter.

Why did the referee call a penalty on the car-punter?     For roofing the passer.

Did you hear about the football player who asked his coach to flood the field so he could go in as a sub?

Where do quarterbacks go when they get old?     Out to pass-ture.

If you want to sack the Dolphins quarterback, what should you use? Your fishing tackle.

What do you call a lineman’s kids?   Chips off the old blocker.

What football player should you be suspicious of? The quarterback sneak.

Why do coaches like punters?   Because punters always put their best foot forward.

What’s the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football?  The sofa doesn’t keep asking for snacks.

Thought for the Week

“Perfection is not attainable. But if we chase perfection, we can catch excellence.” — Vince Lombardi

Happy Friday and Happy Super Bowl Weekend!  In honor of the Big Game, I dusted off the classic book “Football Laughs” by Herman L. Masin which I purchased through Scholastic Books in 1972 for $0.60.  (I see this little gem is listed on ebay for $4.98 which would translate into about a 5% annual return so maybe it was a decent investment.  Sorry, the accountant in me is slipping out.)  Below are a few football jokes you can share Sunday.

Enjoy!

NEW COACH 

“Gentlemen,” said the new head coach to his staff, “I have a suggestion for a change in our system and I’d like to hear your opinions about it.  Those opposed to the idea may signify it by saying, ‘I quit.'”

BEARS OFFENSE 

The Chicago Bears had been something of a bust and the natives were getting restless.  When a fire swept through the Bears’ office, destroying many records and play books, one of the local critics wrote: “That’s about the only way you could get the Bears to change their offense.”

GREAT FINISH

The teams were tied with two minutes to play when the coach sent in his second-string quarterback with a special play.  After looking over the defense, the scrub called a play of his own.  It went for a touchdown that won the game.

After hugging the hero, the coach asked him what made him change the play.  

“It was strictly a hunch,” was the reply.  “I looked at the half back.  His number was 14.  Then I looked at the full back.  His number was 21.  So I called play 32.”

“But that adds up to 35,” said the coach.

“Maybe so,” replied the scrub. “But if I was as smart as you, we wouldn’t have won the game.”

TOSSED FROM THE GAME 

The big tackle came running off the field.

“What’s the matter with you?” exclaimed the coach.

“The ref just threw me out of the game.”

“What for?”

“I dunno,”

The coach beckoned the official.

“What did you toss Johnson out for?”

“Because I caught him choking the opposing quarterback,” the ref said.

“Ah, you didn’t have to get so upset about it,” replied the coach. “The kid is just a practical choker.”

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Football combines the two worst things about America: it is violence punctuated by committee meetings.” ~ George Will