Tag Archives: football

Friday Funny September 9, 2016 Are You Ready for Some Football?


Happy Friday!  Summer is over, school is back in session and professional football is back for another season.  So, let’s kick off this Friday with some football jokes.


Two football fans were talking as they approached the stadium before the game…

First fan:”I wish I’d brought the piano to the stadium.”

Second fan: “That’s ridiculous, why would you bring a piano to the football game?”

First fan: “Well, that is where I left the tickets.”


Three Browns fans were talking about the sad state of their team. 

The first fan lamented… “I blame the owner; if we could sign better players, we’d be a great team.”

The second fan lamented… “I blame the players; if they made more effort, I’m sure we would score more points.”

The third fan lamented… “I blame my parents; if I had been born someplace else, I’d be rooting for a decent team.”


The Eagles are having a meeting on the eve of a game with the Browns. The coach says, “Look guys, I know the Browns are terrible, but we have to play them or else we get in trouble with the NFL.”

The quarterback chimes in, “I’ve got an idea why don’t you guys all just sleep in, stay at the hotel and relax and let me play them on my own?  They’re such a bad team it shouldn’t be a problem.”

  “Brilliant Idea!” the coach says. “Let’s do that!”

On the day of the game, the team relaxes by the pool, and the coach decides to check the score. He turns on the television and the announcer says: “It’s the Eagles 7 and the Browns 0 at the end of the 1st quarter.”   The whole team cheers.

About 4:00 the coach decides to check the final score.  The announcer comes on again.   “I can’t believe this but the Browns scored on the final play of the fourth quarter and converted the two points to win 8 to 7!” “What in the world went wrong?!” screams the coach.

He quickly jumps into a cab to the stadium. He rushes in to find the QB sitting in the dressing room with his head in his hands.   “Well, what happened?” asks the coach.   The QB shakes his head. “I had it all under control,” he says.  “Everything was going according to plan, but then I got hurt in the second quarter and had to come out of the game….”

Thought for the Week

Speed, strength, and the inability to register pain immediately.  ~Reggie Williams, when asked his greatest strengths as a football player




Friday Funny February 5, 2016 Jokes for the Big Game


Happy Friday!  This is the weekend for the big game.  I had the TV on tonight and there were commercials for Super Bowl related hype Friday Night and Saturday Night leading up to the all day pregame Sunday which served to remind me why I will once again not watch the game.  If you think about it, the actual game is quite secondary to the commercials and the half-time lip syncing show.  But if you find yourself at a Super Bowl party Sunday and the game get boring and you need a football related joke.  Well, I am here for you.


Where do hungry football players play?   In the Supper Bowl.

What kind of ends do you find in libraries?  Book ends.

what’s the difference between a quarterback and a baby?  One takes the snap, the other takes a nap.

Which football team cooks gourmet meals together?  The Kansas City Chefs.

Which player is the easiest target to hit with the football? The wide receiver.

What does your teacher call if you run your sentences  together and never use periods or commas?   “Illegal use of ands”

What football player has very strong legs and builds houses? A car-punter.

Why did the referee call a penalty on the car-punter?  “Roofing the passer.”

What should you put in the end zone to keep the other team away?  A scorecrow.


During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the small animals. The big animals were crushing small animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.

At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss.

As the defensive players huddled around the coach, he asked excitedly, “Who stopped the elephant?!”

“I did,” said the centipede.

“And who stopped the rhino?”

“Uh, that was me too,” said the centipede.

“Well what about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?”

“Well, that was me as well,” said the centipede.

“So where were you all during the first half?” demanded the coach.

“Well,” said the centipede, “I was having my ankles taped…..”

Thought for the Week

“I had pro offers from the Detroit Lions and Green Bay Packers, who were pretty hard up for linemen in those days. If I had gone into professional football the name Jerry Ford might have been a household word today.” ~ President Gerald Ford


Friday Funny November 6, 2015 Football Funnies


Happy Friday!  We are at the midpoint of the NFL season and tonight the eyes of the NFL have been on Cincinnati for the Battle of Ohio Part I.  So, here are a few football jokes to kick off your weekend.


What does your teacher call it if you run your sentences together and never use periods or commas?           Illegal use of ands.

What football player has very strong legs and builds houses?           A car-punter.

Why did the referee call a penalty on the car-punter?     For roofing the passer.

Did you hear about the football player who asked his coach to flood the field so he could go in as a sub?

Where do quarterbacks go when they get old?     Out to pass-ture.

If you want to sack the Dolphins quarterback, what should you use? Your fishing tackle.

What do you call a lineman’s kids?   Chips off the old blocker.

What football player should you be suspicious of? The quarterback sneak.

Why do coaches like punters?   Because punters always put their best foot forward.

What’s the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football?  The sofa doesn’t keep asking for snacks.

Thought for the Week

“Perfection is not attainable. But if we chase perfection, we can catch excellence.” — Vince Lombardi

Friday Funny January 30, 2015 FOOTBALL FUNNIES


Happy Friday and Happy Super Bowl Weekend!  In honor of the Big Game, I dusted off the classic book “Football Laughs” by Herman L. Masin which I purchased through Scholastic Books in 1972 for $0.60.  (I see this little gem is listed on ebay for $4.98 which would translate into about a 5% annual return so maybe it was a decent investment.  Sorry, the accountant in me is slipping out.)  Below are a few football jokes you can share Sunday.



“Gentlemen,” said the new head coach to his staff, “I have a suggestion for a change in our system and I’d like to hear your opinions about it.  Those opposed to the idea may signify it by saying, ‘I quit.'”


The Chicago Bears had been something of a bust and the natives were getting restless.  When a fire swept through the Bears’ office, destroying many records and play books, one of the local critics wrote: “That’s about the only way you could get the Bears to change their offense.”


The teams were tied with two minutes to play when the coach sent in his second-string quarterback with a special play.  After looking over the defense, the scrub called a play of his own.  It went for a touchdown that won the game.

After hugging the hero, the coach asked him what made him change the play.  

“It was strictly a hunch,” was the reply.  “I looked at the half back.  His number was 14.  Then I looked at the full back.  His number was 21.  So I called play 32.”

“But that adds up to 35,” said the coach.

“Maybe so,” replied the scrub. “But if I was as smart as you, we wouldn’t have won the game.”


The big tackle came running off the field.

“What’s the matter with you?” exclaimed the coach.

“The ref just threw me out of the game.”

“What for?”

“I dunno,”

The coach beckoned the official.

“What did you toss Johnson out for?”

“Because I caught him choking the opposing quarterback,” the ref said.

“Ah, you didn’t have to get so upset about it,” replied the coach. “The kid is just a practical choker.”


“Football combines the two worst things about America: it is violence punctuated by committee meetings.” ~ George Will