Happy Friday! Here are some quick one-liners chosen especially for you.
My IQ came back negative.
Never trust a dog to watch your food.
Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I know I do.
You take away the looks, money, intelligence, charm and success and, really, there’s no real difference between me and George Clooney.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline; boy did she hit the roof.
I just burned 2,000 calories. Guess that is what I get for leaving brownies in the oven while I nap.
eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.
My friend asked me to describe myself in 3 words… “Lazy.”
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire.
A cop just knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bikes. I just laughed, my dogs don’t even own bikes.
My wife asked me to pass her the Chapstick and I accidentally passed her the Glue Stick. She still hasn’t talked to me.
Thought for the Week
Laughter is the sun that drives winter from the human face. ~Victor Hugo