Happy Friday! I hope you have your shopping done and your decorations are up because Christmas is less than one week away! So, here are some more Christmas jokes to get you ready.
Enjoy!
Did you know that Captain Nemo never gets any presents from Santa because he is always on the Nautilus.
If someone is not sure about whether Santa exists or not would you call him an eggnogstic?
I read that Santa’s computer system has been hacked. I knew he should not have accepted all those cookies.
Be sure to read all the terms and conditions on the Christmas present you receive, they are, after all, the Santa clauses.
Did you hear about the rope that did not get any presents from Santa because he was on the Knotty List?
It has been such a good year at the North Pole that Santa bought new cars for all his elves, it is a whole fleet of Toy-otas.
I heard that Elton John wanted the lead role in the Santa Claus movies, but they turned him down for the part because he only has a tiny Dancer.
Did you know that the only letter to receive presents from Santa is the Letter E? All the all the other letters are not E.
Did you know that Santa is able to enter any home on Christmas Eve even without a search warrant because he has Probable Claus?
Do you know where does Santa goes to buy stuff for the naughty kids? Kohl’s.
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“For it is good to be children sometimes, and never better than at Christmas, when its mighty Founder was a child Himself.” ~ Charles Dickens, “A Christmas Carol”
Happy Friday! It is beginning to look a lot like Christmas and it is less than two weeks away now! And to my Jewish Friends, Happy Hannukah that begins Sunday!
Enjoy!
Did you hear about the tree who went to the barber because he needed a trim?
Did you know that everyone at the North Pole is thirsty because there is no well?
Did you know that if you eat Christmas decorations you can get tinsel-itis?
Did you know that after Christmas, Santa stores his suit in a Claus-et?
I heard that a vegan’s favorite Christmas carol is “Soy to the World.”
I heard that the favorite game for reindeer to play at sleepovers is Truth or Deer.
I heard that good King Wenceslas likes his pizza deep pan, crisp and even.
Would you call a Santa Claus who declared bankruptcy Saint-nickel-less?
Would you call a Christmas Wreath made entirely of $100 bills a wreath-of-Franklins?
If Santa bought a motorbike, it would probably be a Holly Davidson.
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“Maybe Christmas, he thought, doesn’t come from a store. What if Christmas…perhaps…means a little bit more!” ~ How the Grinch Stole Christmas
Happy Friday! Happy December! The Holiday season has started and we are drawing to the conclusion of yet another year. The days have gotten shorter and colder and while the official start of winter is a couple of weeks away, it feels like the right time for some Winter jokes.
Enjoy!
Is it true that snowmen call their kids chill-dren?
Is it true that the favorite Mexican dish for snowmen is burrr-itos?
Did you hear about the kid who kept his trumpet out in the snow because he wanted to play cool jazz?
Did you hear about the snowman James Bond? He has a license to chill.
Would you call a wreath made of $100 bills, a wreath of Franklins?
If you crossed a snowman with a baker would you get Frosty the Dough-man?
I considered starting my own ski resort, but it’s a slippery slope.
You should not use your loyalty card to scrape ice from your windshield. You will only get 10% off.
I am concerned about my snow globe; it looks a bit shaken up.
What do you call a reindeer without eyes? No eye deer.
What do you call a reindeer without eyes and legs? Still, no eye deer.
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“To appreciate the beauty of a snowflake, it is necessary to stand out in the cold.” ~ Aristotle
Happy Friday! This weekend kicks off the unofficial start of summer with Memorial Day. Here is wishing you a pleasant weekend and reminding you to reflect on the meaning of the holiday.
Enjoy!
Did you hear about the cowboy who died with his boots on because he did not want to stub his toe when he kicked the bucket?
Did you hear about the cowboy who cooked his beans on the range?
Did you hear about the cowboy who purchased a dachshund because he wanted to git along little doggie?
Did you hear about the spontaneous cowboy who was always making spur-of-the-moment decision?
Did you know that cowboys’ relationships tend to be stable?
Would you call a low-calorie takeout meal for a cowboy a saddle light dish?
Would you call a cowboy’s outfit ranch dressing?
Would you call a cowboy who tells dad jokes a pun-slinger?
If a cowboy puts one foot across the Canadian border is he fully in Canada or just aboot?
I heard that cowboys keep their cattle quiet by using the moooote button.
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“A nation that does not honor its heroes will not long endure.” ~ Abraham Lincoln
Happy Friday! Happy Valentine’s Day! This is a day when love is celebrated. As I think back on some of the most popular songs of the 1970’s, it makes me wonder if they were giving very good advice about matters of the heart?
Enjoy!
“Babe” – Styx
“Babe, I’m leaving
I’ll say it once again
And somehow try to smile
I know the feeling
We’re trying to forget
If only for a while”
Love means: I am leaving – deal with it.
“I’d Really Love to See You Tonight”—England Dan & John Ford Coley
“And I was thinking maybe later on
We could get together for a while
It’s been such a long time
And I really do miss your smile
I’m not talking about moving in
And I don’t want to change your life
But there’s a warm wind blowing, the stars are out
And I’d really love to see you tonight”
Love means: I would like to hang out with you, but don’t expect any real commitment from me.
“I’m Not in Love”—10cc
“I like to see you, but then again
That doesn’t mean you mean that much to me
So if I call you, don’t make a fuss
Don’t tell your friends about the two of us”
Love means: not much, don’t make a big deal out of it.
“Baby Come Back”—Player
“All day long, I’m wearing a mask of false bravado
Trying to keep up a smile that hides a tear
But as the sun goes down, I get that empty feeling again”
Love means: putting on a good show when your heart is broken.
“More Than a Feeling”—Boston
”So many people have come and gone
Their faces fade as the years go by
Yet I still recall as I wander on
As clear as the sun in the summer sky”
Love means: memories fade over time.
“On and On”—Stephen Bishop
“Got the sun on my shoulders
And my toes in the sand
Woman’s left me for some other man
Aw, but I don’t care
“I’ll just dream and stay tan
Toss up my heart and see where it lands.”
Love means: You get hurt so often you stop caring.
“Lonesome Loser”—Little River Band
“Unlucky in love, least that’s what they say
He lost his head and he gambled his heart away
He still keeps searching though there’s nothing left
Staked his heart and lost, now he has to pay the cost”
Love Means: Love is a lot like buying a lottery ticket – the odds are stacked against you.
“The Things That We Do for Love”—10CC
“Too many broken hearts have fallen in the river
Too many lonely souls have drifted out to sea
You lay your bets and then you pay the price
The things we do for love”
Love Means: Love is a lot like buying a lottery ticket – the odds are stacked against you.
“Baby Don’t Get Hooked on Me”—Mac Davis
“Just keep it friendly, girl
Cause I don’t wanna leave
Don’t start clinging to me, girl
Cause I can’t breathe”
Love means: I will hang around as long as it is convenient for me.
“Love Hurts”—Nazareth
“Love hurts, love scars
Love wounds and mars
Any heart
Not tough or strong enough
To take a lot of pain, take a lot of pain”
Love means: Love hurts – should probably avoid it
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby—awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess.” ~ Lemony Snicket
Leonard's Lines 