Happy Friday! I heard this week Elvis would have turned 89 if he were alive. So, let’s kick off the weekend with some Elvis jokes. Thank you, thank you very much.
Enjoy!
I went to see an Elvis impersonator last night, but I got there too late., apparently, he had left the building.
I am thinking about opening a chain of Elvis-themed Chicken Strip restaurants. I think I will call them “Love Me Tenders”.
I recently saw an Arab Elvis impersonator. His name was Amal Shookup.
I used to have a pet mouse named Elvis. He got caught in a trap.
I try to be like Elvis and wear Blue Suede Shoes most of the time, but if I cannot find them, I settle for my Jailhouse Crocs.
I read that when Elvis was in the army that his main job was to look for Suspicious Mines.
The other day, I saw a guy at Lowe’s who looked just like Elvis. He returned a sander.
How many Elvis impersonators does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One for the money, two for the show.
Did you hear about the bus full of Elvis enthusiasts that crashed on their way to an Elvis convention? Witnesses report that no one was injured but they’re all shook up.
Q: What’s green and sings? A: Elvis Parsely
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“Truth is like the sun. You can shut it out for a time, but it ain’t going away.” ~ Elvis Presley
Happy New Year! It is time to say “goodbye” to 2023 and “welcome” to 2024. I want to thank you for letting me invade your Fridays in 2023. I wish you peace and joy in 2024!
Enjoy!
It is almost New Year’s Eve and I am having a bout of auld-langietxy about what my New Year’s resolutions should be.
You could be like Dr. Frankenstein and have a New Year’s resolution to make new friends.
I find it interesting that every New Year’s Eve, I look forward to tuning into a good show at Time’s Square, yet year after year, they drop the ball.
Last New Year’s Eve close to midnight, Dracula passed out and there was a count down.
Is it true that soccer players are the worst at following through with their New Year’s resolutions because they always seem to be running away from their goals?
My New Years resolution is to eat 1200 calories a day. I am pretty confident I can surpass that goal on a regular basis.
A few Dad jokes to close out the year:
I have this amazing ability that I can tell when someone is lying just by looking at them. I can also tell when they are standing.
My computer is mad at my printer, apparently it didn’t like its toner voice.
Did you hear that laughing too loudly is illegal in Hawaii? It seems they only permit a low “ha.”
Last night I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.
I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.
A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“There are better things ahead than any we leave behind.” ~ C.S. Lewis
Happy Friday! Less than a week of the days getting shorter and less than two weeks until Christmas! In the spirit of the season, here are some more Christmas jokes.
Enjoy!
Is it true that if you eat Christmas decorations you will get tinsel-it-is?
I heard that when reindeer have sleepovers, they like to play truth or deer.
Is it true that a Christmas tree’s favorite candy is orna-mints?
I heard that Rudolph had to attend summer school because he went down in history.
If someone has lost their Christmas spirit, should you nurse them back to elf?
Is it true that on the day after Christmas, the elves clean Santa’s sleigh using Santa-tizer?
I heard that snow globes never get scared; however, they do occasionally get shaken.
Is it true that Christmas trees do not knit because they keeping dropping their needles?
I heard that Santa uses a GPS because he doesn’t want to be a lost Claus.
If Santa’s sleigh broke down, would he need to get mistle-toed?
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace among men in whom he is well pleased.” ~ Luke 2:13-14
Happy Friday! It is time to pullout some more Christmas mondegreens! (A mondegreen is a word or phrase that results from mishearing or misinterpreting a statement or song lyric.) So, have a chuckle at some mangled song lyrics.
Enjoy!
All I Want for Christmas
Misheard lyric: “Take back the Harley and mistletoe”
Correct lyric: “Take back the holly and mistletoe”
Frosty the Snowman
Misheard lyric: “With a broom stuck in his head”
Correct lyric: “With a broom stuck in his hand”
Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer
Misquoted lyric: “Grandma got run over by a reindeer, walking home from outhouse on Christmas Eve”
Correct lyric: “Grandma got run over by a reindeer, walking home from our house on Christmas Eve”
Winter Wonderland
Misheard lyric: “In the meadow we can build a snowman and pretend that he is sparse and brown”
Correct lyric: “In the meadow we can build a snowman and pretend that he is Parson Brown”
White Christmas
Misheard lyric: “I’m dreaming of a white Christmas, with every Christmas card arrived”
Correct lyric: “I’m dreaming of a white Christmas, with every Christmas card I write”
“Good King Wenceslas”
Misheard lyric: “Gath’ring wine and gruel”
Correct lyric: “Gath’ring winter fuel”
Joy to the World
Misheard lyric: “Let men their sins enjoy”
Correct lyric: “Let men then songs employ”
God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen
Misheard lyric: “God rest ye merry gentlemen, let nothing through this May”
Correct lyric: “God rest ye merry gentlemen, let nothing you dismay”
Santa Claus Is Coming to Town
Misheard Lyric: “He’ll seize you when you’re sleeping”
Correct Lyric: “He sees you when you’re sleeping”
Away In a Manger
Misheard Lyric: “The cattle are blowing the poor baby away”
Correct Lyric: “The cattle are lowing, the poor baby wakes.”
Auld Lang Syne”
Misheard Lyric: “And make the old man cry”
Correct Lyrics: “And days of auld lang syne”
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“Oh, Christmas isn’t just a day; it’s a frame of mind.” ~ Kris Kringle in “Miracle on 34th Street.
Happy Friday and welcome to December! That means Christmas is just around the corner and this week we turn our attention to candy canes.
Enjoy!
This is the time of year that you encounter candy canes everywhere. You will find candy canes on windows, in yards and on Christmas Trees. The best candy canes are the ones that you can eat, I have always liked peppermint. According to the National Confectioners Association (NCA), candy canes are the No. 1-selling non-chocolate candy during the month of December. The biggest single week for candy canes is the second week of December. “Likely because most people decorate their Christmas trees that week,” says Carly Schildhaus, public affairs manager for the NCA.
“Legend has it that the candy cane dates back to 1670, when the choirmaster at the Cologne Cathedral in Germany handed out sugar sticks among his young singers to keep them quiet during the Living Creche ceremony,” Schildhaus says. “In honor of the occasion, he bent the candies into shepherds’ crooks.”
According to Schildhau, white candy canes made their debut in the States 1847 in Wooster Ohio, when August Imgard, a German-Swedish immigrant, decorated a small blue spruce with paper ornaments and candy canes.
Perhaps you, like me, associate candy canes with red and white strips and peppermint flavor; however, there are many variations. Here are just a few.
Bacon Candy Canes – well, they do say bacon makes everything better. The box promises the smoky, savory flavor of a crispy piece of bacon. Might be worth a try.
Ham Candy Canes- I suppose if there are bacon flavored canes, there might as well be ham flavored ones as well. When they come out with egg canes and toast canes, you can have a full and complete breakfast.
Funfetti Candy Canes – it appears there is an attempt to transform Funfetti cake into just about anything. I am not a big fan of Funfetti cake as cake and I can pass on this one.!
Pickle Candy Canes – the opportunity to enjoy the tangy taste of pickle candy canes? Sounds like a big dill to me!
Mac & Cheese Candy Canes – Mac & Cheese might be a great comfort food, but as a candy cane?
Ketchup Candy Canes– I guess they are the right color and I suppose someone had to try making the omnipresent tomato-flavored condiment into a candy cane.
Clam Candy Canes – why? Just why??
Pizza Candy Canes – Who doesn’t love pizza? But as a candy cane? Is it thin crust or pan? New York or Chicago or Detroit style?
Caesar Salad Candy Canes– The list would not be complete without a “healthy option” – right? Did you say that you like a crunch in your salad? Well, here you go!
Sour Cream and Onion Candy Canes – That bag of chips is just so messy and greasy so instead of reaching for chips, reach for these candy canes!
Kale Candy Canes – What better way to ruin the whole idea of candy canes than with a kale flavored version? In a uniquely American way, let’s take a Superfood load it with sugar and shrink-wrap it in plastic.
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“Christmas will always be as long as we stand heart to heart and hand in hand.”~Dr. Seuss
Happy Friday! Thanksgiving is only a week away, so I thought I would beat the holiday rush and deliver some Thanksgiving jokes this week.
Enjoy!
I heard that turkeys prefer to travel by gravy train.
I once met a very the rude turkey, he was a real jerk-y.
Did you know that little pumpkins cross the road with the help of a crossing gourd?
If you crossed a turkey with a centipede, would you get drumsticks for everyone?
We served a cheese plate at Thanksgiving. I think everyone was grateful.
I heard that the cider mill keeps track of its inventory on an Apple iPad.
I heard about a cranberry that could not go to the Thanksgiving party because it was bogged down with work.
Did you know that Thanksgiving bread jokes stay funny because they never get mold?
What kind of shows do green beans do? Pod casts.
What did one turkey say to the other turkey when they first saw the pilgrims? “They look nice, maybe they’ll have us over for dinner.”
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“We tend to forget that happiness doesn’t come as a result of getting something we don’t have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have.” —Friedrich Koenig
Leonard's Lines 