Friday Funny November 10, 2023 Take A Few More Jokes And Call Me In The Morning

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I also have a podcast – check it out at https://www.buzzsprout.com/2234608

Happy Friday!  It seems like before we hit the holiday season, we are already hitting cold & flu season. 

Stay well and enjoy a few “sick” jokes!

It seems like a lot of sickness is going around this time of year, watch out for the symptoms of the Amish flu. First you get a little horse, then a little buggy.

Did you hear about the new gingerbread man flu strain? Don’t worry, you probably won’t catch it.

Did you hear about the strain of the flu that joined Instagram? She became an influenza!

I had the swine flu but I think I am cured.  Now I have the bacon flu.

I am not kidding, If I have to explain the Latin term “ad nauseum” one more time, I think I am going to be sick.

My wife gave me a “Get better soon” card. I am not sick, she just thinks I can get better.

Did you hear about the beekeeper that went to the doctor because she had hives?

If someone is doing yoga while they have the flu, would they be sick and twisted?

I was going to put a dart board on my ceiling, but I did not want to throw up.

I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“For every ailment under the sun, There is a remedy, or there is none, If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it.”~ Mother Goose

Friday Funny November 3, 2023 Random Thoughts to Ponder

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Happy Friday! Welcome to November!  Trick or Treat is past and Thanking is on the horizon.  Take a few moments this Friday to ponder some random thoughts.

Check out my new podcast at https://www.buzzsprout.com/2234608

Enjoy!

Does your stomach think that all potatoes are mashed?

If Earth really was flat, do you think the edge would be a tourist attraction?

If your dog picked a name for you, what would it be? 

Could you say that beans bags are really boneless sofas?

Have you ever wondered why a theme park can snap a crystal clear picture of you on a roller coaster at 60+ mph, but a bank camera cannot get a clean shot of a robber standing still?

If tomatoes are fruit, then should ketchup be tomatoe jam?

Have you noticed how many people pull their phones out of their pockets to check the time? It would appear pocket watches have made a comeback.  Maybe we should attach chains to them?

Did it ever occur to you that a different version of you exists in the minds of every person who knows you?

Did you ever realize that the number of people older than you never goes up?

 Is it not odd that we say “tuna fish,” but we do not say “chicken bird“?

Did you ever notice that watermelon candy is often green; however the green part is what we do not ear with a real watermelon?

Have you noticed that you only say, “Hey, stranger,” to someone you already know? 

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“The darker the night, the brighter the stars.” ~  Fyodor Dostoyevsky

Friday Funny October 27, 2023 A Bagful of Vampire Jokes

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It is almost time for Trick or Treat!  So, to set the mood, I dusted off my copy of “Vampire Jokes and Cartoons”, Edited by Phil Hirsch and Paul Laikin, Pyramid Books, 1974.  Somethings get better with age, unfortunately, these jokes are not among those things.  On the bright side, almost fifty years later, I am still getting something out of my $0.95 investment!

It is hard for me to accept that this blog is almost ten years old.  If you have enjoyed the blog, I would invite to check out my new podcast as well – Leonard Looks at Life – you can find it at https://www.buzzsprout.com/2234608

Enjoy!

What was the vampire doing driving on the turnpike? – Looking for the main artery!

Why do vampires like comedians? – They like things in a jocular vein!

Why aren’t vampires’ good gamblers? – They’re always making sucker bets!

Why did the vampire dig for gold? – He wanted to strike a rich vein!

What kind of work do vampires do? — They file their teeth!

Where do you usually find vampires? – In any neck of the woods!

When does a vampire have a bad day? – When he gets up on the wrong side of the coffin!

What happens when vampires get together? – They drive each other bats!

What kind of first aid to vampires give? – Mouth-to-neck resuscitation!

How do you kill a hungry vampire? – You drive a steak through his heart!

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“I got a rock.” ~ Charlie Brown in “It’s The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown”

Friday Funny October 20, 2023 More Halloween Jokes

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Happy Friday!  Halloween is a little over a week away, so it is time to scare up some more Halloween jokes.

Enjoy!

Did you hear about the little witch whose mom would not allow her to go trick or treating with her friends because she was ex-spelled from school?

Would you call a spider with 20 eyes a spiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiider?

Is it true that zombies will keep trick or treating until they become dead tired?

Is it true that witches prefer their bagels with scream cheese?

Is it true that a monster’s favorite Halloween game is hide and shriek?

Is it true that on Halloween Elon Musk goes trick-or-tweeting?

What does a turkey dress up as on Halloween? A goblin.

Did you hear about the gloomy jack-o’-lantern? It needed to lighten up.

Why did the ghost cross the road? He wanted to return from the other side.

I heard that before they head out for trick or treating witches put on mas-scare-a.

I heard about a scarecrow who declined dessert because he was already stuffed.

I heard about a tech worker who got turned into a vampire, now he gigabites.

I heard about a vampire who failed his art class because he only knew how to draw blood.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“My Halloween costume was so bad that people opened their doors and took candy from me.” ~Glen Nesbitt

Friday Funny October 13, 2023 More Lessons Learned from Horror Movies.

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Happy Friday!  Fall is well underway and this is the time of year when it is easy to find quite a few horror movies on television.  If you pay attention you can find some useful lessons in those movies.

Enjoy!

If your friends suggest you, or worse dare you to, stay overnight in an old, abandoned mansion on the outskirts of town, it is a good bet that they are not really your friends.

Real estate tip – don’t ever buy that house that is in a secluded area, surrounded by woods and is available at a “too good to be true” price.  It is just not worth it.

If you find any inexplicably creepy dolls, DO NOT keep them in your house.  Better yet, do not pick them up or even take notice of them.

If you stumble upon a Cursed Book or a Cursed Game – DO NOT open the book or play the game.  Avoid this in the same way you avoid creepy dolls.

The creepy old man that everyone avoids is usually the only one that really understands the situation.  Listen to him and do what he says.

On the other hand, never trust a brilliant psychopath, he is never has your best interests in mind.

Maybe it is a good idea to just keep your cell phone on vibrate, it seems in a horror movie nobody ever has their phone on silent while hiding, and of course, their phone always rings at the worst possible moment.

This is a great time of year to check your flashlight batteries.  Make sure you have an extra set or three. You do not want your flashlights flickering and going at the worst possible moment.

If you hear an odd noise and someone says, “Oh, it’s probably just the wind.”  Run out the front door as fast as you can, get in your car and drive away.

Speaking of cars – keep a tight grip on your keys, do not drop them as you are attempting to make your getaway.

Also, car related, this is a great time to check the condition of your tires, northing stops a getaway faster than a flat tire.

Last item about cars, this is also a great time to check the condition of your battery so that the car will start at that critical moment when the monster/ killer/alien is right at your door.

Despite all your car preparation if for some reason your car will not start and you find yourself running to get away, DO NOT run in a straight line down the middle of the road when being chased by a speeding car.  Try weaving off the road where a car cannot follow you, this is one time where the dense trees of the forest could be your friend.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

 “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.”~ Jack Torrance, The Shining (1980)

Friday Funny October 6, 2023 Even More Fall Jokes

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Happy Friday and welcome to October!  I took a little break last week, but I am back with some fall jokes to kick off this weekend.

Enjoy!

Who lives in the scary Hundred Acre Wood? – Winnie the Boo.

Why did the pumpkin and the butternut squash get on so well? –  They were gourd friends.

What do short-sighted ghouls wear? – Spooktacles.

Who won the skeleton beauty contest? – No body.

Why do pumpkins sit on people’s porches? – They don’t have any hands to knock on the door.

What do pirates wear during fall? – Pumpkin patches.

Why didn’t the girl pumpkin get married? – Because a gourd man is hard to find.

Why is it hard to work at the apple pie factory?  – They have such a high turnover rate. 

How does the pumpkin listen to music? – On vine-yl. 

Why did the apple pie go to the dentist?  – Because it needed a filling.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“And myriad leaves, on which the Summer wrote
Her blushing farewell, at my feet were strown.”
~Albert Laighton (1829–1887), “In the Woods,” c.1859

Friday Funny September 22, 2023 Root For Your Favorite College Team

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Happy Friday!  As we approach the end of September, the college football season is well under way.  If you do not have a favorite team, let me offer some interesting options.

Enjoy!

Anteaters of University of California/Irvine

Horned Frogs of Texas Christian University

Banana Slugs of the University of California/Santa Cruz

Boll Weevils of the University of Arkansas/Monticello

Black Flies of the College of the Atlantic

Claim Jumpers of Columbia College

Demon Deacons of Wake Forest

Dirtbags of Cal State Long Beach

Fighting Artichokes of Scottsdale Community College

Fighting Camels of Campbell University

Fighting Pickles of the North Carolina School of the Arts

Golden Flashes of Kent State University

Hatters of Stetson University

Hustlin’ Quakers of Earlham College

Ichabods of Washburn University 

Purple Aces of the University of Evansville

Salukis of Southern Illinois University

Shockers of Wichita State

Sycamores of Indiana State University

Zips of the University of Akron

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“If the college you visit has a bookstore filled with t-shirts rather than books, find another college.”~ Albert Mohler Jr.

Friday Funny September 15, 2023 Dialing Up More Jokes

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Happy Friday. After much contemplation, we are finally ready to give up our LAN line which made me think it was time for some more pone jokes.

Enjoy!

I left my phone under my pillow last night and woke up to $5 bill underneath it, I guess it must have been the Blue-tooth fairy

Is it true that the crow alighted on the telephone pole because he wanted to make a long distance caw?

You know, I just cannot picture myself without a camera phone.

I heard that is hard to contact a pirate because he always leaves his phone off the hook.

Fun Fact: On March 10th, 1876, Alexander Graham Bell made the first telephone call. Ten minutes later, he learned his auto warranty had expired.

Is it true that the burger was sitting by the phone incase onion rings?

Is it true that a horse only talks on the phone whinny wants to?

I put my phone into airplane mode, but it is not a very good transformer.

I enjoys writing jokes and storing them on my phone, you might say it is my Dad-a-base.

I once tried to get a job as a telephone operator; however, I sort of phoned in the interview and the HR Director did not think it was my true calling –  so I’ve put those plans on hold for now.

I was going to list several more phone pun but I decided they were uncalled for.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Cell phones are so convenient that they’re an inconvenience.”~ Haruki Murakami

Friday Funny September 8, 2023 Even More Dad Jokes

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Happy Friday!  It has been a bit since I have shared some Dad Jokes, so here goes.

Enjoy!

My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.

I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.

I was going to tell a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it will get a reaction.

I was going to tell a joke about paper, but it was tear-able.

I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

I used to be a personal trainer, but I gave my too weak notice.

Would you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account, prime mates?

How do you get a good price on a sled? You have toboggan.

I think it is very inappropriate to tell ‘dad ‘ jokes if you are not a dad. In fact, I would call it a faux pa.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“My father didn’t tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it.” ~ Clarence Budington Kelland

Friday Funny September 1, 2023 Fresh Picked Jokes

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Happy Friday!  Happy September!  Happy Labor Day!  Around here the corn is getting pretty tall, so it seems like a good time for some farm related humor.

Enjoy!

Is it true that cows have hooves instead of feet because they lactose?

I heard about a farmer who had a wooden tractor. It had wooden wheels, a wooden engine, wooden transmission and wooden work.

A farmer showed me his magic tractor, it turned into a field.

I had a friend who tore his rotator cuff while making butter on his farm. It was a really unfortunate churn of events.

Did you hear about the sad pig?  He felt he was taken for grunted.

I tried to navigate the farmer’s field but it was a maize.

If there was a horse that lived next door, would he be your neigh-bor?

The farmer was going to tell his dog a joke about sheep, but he had herd them all.

If a chicken tells jokes would that make her a comedi-hen?

I read a story about a lettuce farmer who was arrested by the FDA on suspicion of combining plant and human DNA to create a new protein hybrid.  When they dug up the grounds, they found human romaines.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“The farmer has to be an optimist or he wouldn’t still be a farmer.” ~ Will Rogers