Friday Funny October 6, 2023 Even More Fall Jokes

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Happy Friday and welcome to October!  I took a little break last week, but I am back with some fall jokes to kick off this weekend.

Enjoy!

Who lives in the scary Hundred Acre Wood? – Winnie the Boo.

Why did the pumpkin and the butternut squash get on so well? –  They were gourd friends.

What do short-sighted ghouls wear? – Spooktacles.

Who won the skeleton beauty contest? – No body.

Why do pumpkins sit on people’s porches? – They don’t have any hands to knock on the door.

What do pirates wear during fall? – Pumpkin patches.

Why didn’t the girl pumpkin get married? – Because a gourd man is hard to find.

Why is it hard to work at the apple pie factory?  – They have such a high turnover rate. 

How does the pumpkin listen to music? – On vine-yl. 

Why did the apple pie go to the dentist?  – Because it needed a filling.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“And myriad leaves, on which the Summer wrote
Her blushing farewell, at my feet were strown.”
~Albert Laighton (1829–1887), “In the Woods,” c.1859

Friday Funny September 22, 2023 Root For Your Favorite College Team

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Happy Friday!  As we approach the end of September, the college football season is well under way.  If you do not have a favorite team, let me offer some interesting options.

Enjoy!

Anteaters of University of California/Irvine

Horned Frogs of Texas Christian University

Banana Slugs of the University of California/Santa Cruz

Boll Weevils of the University of Arkansas/Monticello

Black Flies of the College of the Atlantic

Claim Jumpers of Columbia College

Demon Deacons of Wake Forest

Dirtbags of Cal State Long Beach

Fighting Artichokes of Scottsdale Community College

Fighting Camels of Campbell University

Fighting Pickles of the North Carolina School of the Arts

Golden Flashes of Kent State University

Hatters of Stetson University

Hustlin’ Quakers of Earlham College

Ichabods of Washburn University 

Purple Aces of the University of Evansville

Salukis of Southern Illinois University

Shockers of Wichita State

Sycamores of Indiana State University

Zips of the University of Akron

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“If the college you visit has a bookstore filled with t-shirts rather than books, find another college.”~ Albert Mohler Jr.

Friday Funny September 15, 2023 Dialing Up More Jokes

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Happy Friday. After much contemplation, we are finally ready to give up our LAN line which made me think it was time for some more pone jokes.

Enjoy!

I left my phone under my pillow last night and woke up to $5 bill underneath it, I guess it must have been the Blue-tooth fairy

Is it true that the crow alighted on the telephone pole because he wanted to make a long distance caw?

You know, I just cannot picture myself without a camera phone.

I heard that is hard to contact a pirate because he always leaves his phone off the hook.

Fun Fact: On March 10th, 1876, Alexander Graham Bell made the first telephone call. Ten minutes later, he learned his auto warranty had expired.

Is it true that the burger was sitting by the phone incase onion rings?

Is it true that a horse only talks on the phone whinny wants to?

I put my phone into airplane mode, but it is not a very good transformer.

I enjoys writing jokes and storing them on my phone, you might say it is my Dad-a-base.

I once tried to get a job as a telephone operator; however, I sort of phoned in the interview and the HR Director did not think it was my true calling –  so I’ve put those plans on hold for now.

I was going to list several more phone pun but I decided they were uncalled for.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Cell phones are so convenient that they’re an inconvenience.”~ Haruki Murakami

Friday Funny September 8, 2023 Even More Dad Jokes

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Happy Friday!  It has been a bit since I have shared some Dad Jokes, so here goes.

Enjoy!

My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.

I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.

I was going to tell a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it will get a reaction.

I was going to tell a joke about paper, but it was tear-able.

I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

I used to be a personal trainer, but I gave my too weak notice.

Would you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account, prime mates?

How do you get a good price on a sled? You have toboggan.

I think it is very inappropriate to tell ‘dad ‘ jokes if you are not a dad. In fact, I would call it a faux pa.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“My father didn’t tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it.” ~ Clarence Budington Kelland

Friday Funny September 1, 2023 Fresh Picked Jokes

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Happy Friday!  Happy September!  Happy Labor Day!  Around here the corn is getting pretty tall, so it seems like a good time for some farm related humor.

Enjoy!

Is it true that cows have hooves instead of feet because they lactose?

I heard about a farmer who had a wooden tractor. It had wooden wheels, a wooden engine, wooden transmission and wooden work.

A farmer showed me his magic tractor, it turned into a field.

I had a friend who tore his rotator cuff while making butter on his farm. It was a really unfortunate churn of events.

Did you hear about the sad pig?  He felt he was taken for grunted.

I tried to navigate the farmer’s field but it was a maize.

If there was a horse that lived next door, would he be your neigh-bor?

The farmer was going to tell his dog a joke about sheep, but he had herd them all.

If a chicken tells jokes would that make her a comedi-hen?

I read a story about a lettuce farmer who was arrested by the FDA on suspicion of combining plant and human DNA to create a new protein hybrid.  When they dug up the grounds, they found human romaines.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“The farmer has to be an optimist or he wouldn’t still be a farmer.” ~ Will Rogers

Friday Funny August 25, 2023 Back to School Jokes

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It seems like just yesterday was the beginning of summer, but here we are at ‘back to ‘school’ time. So, let’s kick off the weekend with some Back to School jokes.

Enjoy!

Is it true that history is the sweetest subject because it is full of dates?

Is it true that math equations make great dancers because they have algorithm?

I heard that the equal sign was very humble because it knew it was not less than or greater than anyone else.

Is it true that a pirate’s favorite school subject is arrrrrrt class?

Ids it true that the book was excited for the start of school because it was bound to be a good year?

Did you hear about the student who brought his dog to school because he heard there would be a lab report?

I heard that when the student turned in a report about cheese the teacher grated it.

Is it true that teacher jumped into the pool to test the water?

If the teacher tied all the kid’s shoelaces together would there be a big class trip?

Is it true that science teachers freshen their breath with experi-mints?

Is it true that the geometry book was adorable because it had acute angles?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“We don’t stop going to school when we graduate.” ~ Carol Burnett

Friday Funny August 18, 2023 More Computer Jokes

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Happy Friday! Seems like it is about time for some more computer jokes.

Enjoy!

I put my internet router in my basement, you might say that I come from a LAN down under.

Would you call a computer mouse that swears a lot; a cursor?

Have you ever tried smelling the F5 key on your keyboard?  It’s very refreshing

My computer said my password is insecure. You know if it wasn’t forced to have such strict requirements it might be a bit more confident.

Did you know that there is a chemical that is released in your brain when you see something funny on the internet?  It is called Dopa-meme.

I heard about a farmer who was having a lot of trouble with his internet.  He moved the modem to the barn and now he has stable wi-fi.

I heard about the computer that got married to the wi-fi, it appears that had a strong connection.

I heard about two web developers that got married, it was love at first site.

I just got fired from my job at the keyboard factory. It seems that I was not putting in enough shifts.

Would you call a computer superhero a Screen Saver?

I heard that computer programmers decide what to wear to work by consulting the dress code.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Whoever said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results has obviously never had to reboot a computer.” ~William Petersen

Friday Funny August 11, 2023 Jokes You Can Bank On

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Happy Friday! I remember as a kid, I would go to the bank on Fridays with my Dad when he got home from work to cash his check. So, let’s kick off this weekend with some banking jokes.

Enjoy!

My dad always said, “Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.” So, I did and after years of hard work my account balance is $9.11.

I recently received an ad in the mail from a local back offering a mortgage with no interest.  I went to the nearest branch to find out more.  I asked the person at the counter about it and her response was, “I don’t really care.”

Is it true that a southerner asks for money from a bank with drawl?

Is it true that bankers make good musicians because they have all the notes?

I heard that a banker’s favorite song by Heart is “How Do I Get You Aloan?”

Is it true that police talk to bankers a lot because they are “persons of interest”?

If an Archaeologist just happened to excavate an ancient bank would that put him in financial ruin?

I heard that it takes four bankers to change a light bulb.  One to hold the bulb, and three to try and remember the combination.

Would bank robbery be considered a safe job?

I think the hardest part about being addicted to banking is the withdrawals.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Banking is very good business if you don’t do anything dumb.”~ Warren Buffett

Friday Funny August 4, 2023 Jokes That Bug You

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Happy Friday! We are in the dog days of summer and that means bugs are lurking everywhere.

Enjoy!

I heard that on movies Arnold Schwarzenegger will no longer kill people and now will kill only bugs. He has become an ex-terminator.

I saw a movie about bugs living together in an apartment, it is about  ten ants.

I read a story about a bug who wanted to be an astronaut, he is a real luna-tick.

Would a talkative caterpillar eventually become a social butterfly?

It is a little known fact that bugs hold odd religious beliefs, they are all in sects.

I heard about a bed bug band, they mostly play covers.

I heard about two bed bugs who fell in love, they are getting married in the spring.

I saw where my bank recently hired a scientist that specializes in small insects, apparently she is an expert on fine ants.

Did you know there is a rule that wingless female insects will sink and male insects will float. That is just a simple way to know if they are buoy-ant.

Today I saw a tiny insect carrying a bottle of Febreze, apparently it was a deodor-ant.

I told a joke to a bunch of bugs and all I heard was crickets.

People who do not know the difference between etymology and entomology just bug me.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.”~ John Lithgow

Friday Funny July 27, 2023 Jokes That We Scream For

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Happy Friday!  In the midst of the hot & humid dog days of summer what is better than some ice cream?  Unfortunately, I cannot send you an ice cream cone, but I can send some ice cream jokes your way.

Enjoy!

Is it true that the best place to learn how to make complicated ice cream dishes is at Sundae School?

Is it true that a pig’s favorite ice cream is Hoggin Daz?

Is it true that ice cream cones always carry an umbrella in case there is a chance of sprinkles?

Is it true that a deer’s favorite flavor of ice cream is Chocolate chip cookie doe?

Is it true that Homer Simpson’s favorite flavor of ice cream is Cookie d’oh?

If you divide the circumference of a bowl of ice cream by its diameter would you get Pi a’la mode?

I heard that the ice cream truck blew out a tire because it was on a rocky road.

I like to eat ice cream so much that sometimes I lose cone-trol.

I heard about an ice cream bandit who apparently was one smooth cream-inal.

Would you call an ice cream spy a sorbetoure?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos.”~ Don Kardong