Giving It Your Best Effort

2 Replies

AAGDYERHQMSGERS.20110302165206

 

I have my share of pet peeves, my wife would probably say that I have much more than my share, but that is beside the point I wish to make here.  I have heard many different times from a variety of angles people talking about how they “always” give 110%.  

There are only two things wrong with this claim: 1) it is not possible “always” give your maximum effort and, 2) is mathematically impossible to give more than 100%.

If one gives everything one can, uses every ounce of effort available, one might,for a very brief spurt, be able to give 100%.  Perhaps if I run 50 yards, I might be able to run at 100% of my ability, however limited that might be, for the full 50 yards.  But if I am running a marathon, I cannot run the entire 26.2 miles at 100% effort.  I may very well give it my best effort and do everything I can to finish the race in the best possible time for me.  But if I try to give it my maximum effort from the start, I will be sitting and panting before the first mile marker.

If I ran as fast and as hard as I can, I will be running at 100% of my ability.  I simply cannot run at 101% of my ability or 102% or 110% percent of my ability.  The person who says that they are giving 110% is telling you that they are doing 10% than it is possible for them to do.  That, simply makes no sense.

Just once I would like to hear the person doing one of these interviews whether it is with an athlete, an entertainer, a politician, or a businessman follow-up that claim with the following question:  “That is very interesting, would you please explain how you can consistently give more effort than you are, by definition, capable of doing?”

Friday Funny July 24, 2015 Coming Soon to a Theater Near You!

2 Replies

lgs

Happy Friday!  Seems like there are a lot of exciting movies hitting the theaters lately.  Here is one you might not have heard about.

Enjoy!

It seems like superhero movies are all the rage the days with Spider-man, Fantastic Four and now even Ant-man.  Word is that Steven Spielberg has decided to do an action movie with a unique twist.  He has plans to make full-blown action movie full of guns, explosions, and heart pounding action based on the lives of famous classical composers. Of course, if he wants this movie to be a hit he’s going to need some big names from action movies. 

First he called Steven Seagal.  He told him the idea, told Seagal that he wanted him in it. Spielberg asked him which composer he would like to play.  Without hesitation he answers: “Well, I like tough guys! I wanna be a tough guy, and I think Beethoven is a tough guy! I’ll be Beethoven.”  Spielberg tells him that is great and he will get a contract to his agent.

Next Spielberg calls Sylvester Stallone.  He tells him that he is making an action movie about the classical composers.  He tells Stallone that he wants him to be in it and asks which composer he would want to play.  After a short pause, Sly answers: “Yo, I’ve always been kind of partial to Mozart. I like his style. I’ll be Mozart.”  Spielberg tells him that is great and he will get a contract to his agent.

Next Spielberg calls, Arnold Schwarzenegger. He tells him that he is making an action movie about the classical composers. He tells Arnold that he wants him to be in it and asks which composer he would want to play. After a long thoughtful silence,  Schwarzenegger replies: “I’ll be Bach”.

Thought for the Week

It’s not who I am underneath but what I do that defines me.~ Batman (Batman Begins)

Friday Funny July 17, 2015 Cannibal Jokes (I Know These Are Rather Tasteless)

2 Replies

SanDiego2010 006

After another long week in the midst of a dog eat dog world you need a laugh to start your Friday. So, here are a few cannibal jokes. Just remember that it is difficult to find tasteful cannibal jokes and once you find them it takes a lot of guts to tell them. So, for this week only – your fill of cannibal jokes.

Enjoy!

Did you hear the one about the missionary who was sent to the cannibal
tribe to give them a taste of religion?

Why did the young cannibal get expelled from school? They caught him
buttering up the teacher!

What happened at the cannibal’s wedding party? They toasted the bride
and groom!

What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner? The cold
shoulder.

Did you hear about the cannibal who loved fast food? He ordered a pizza
with everybody on it.

Two cannibals were eating dinner. One said, “I really hate my sister.”
The other said, “Well just eat the noodles then.”

A cannibal is a man who loves his neighbors, with gravy, that is.

What is a cannibal’s favorite game? Swallow the leader.

Did you hear about the down and out cannibal? He was looking for someone to give him a helping hand.

First Cannibal: Who was that lady l I saw you with last night? Second Cannibal: That was no lady, that was my supper.

Why did the cannibal eat the tightrope walker? He wanted a well-balanced meal.

What happened to the cannibal lion? He had to swallow his pride.

And, of course you know why cannibals don’t eat clowns – They taste funny!!

Two clowns are eating a cannibal, one turns to the other and says, “I think we’re doing this joke wrong…”

Thought for the Week

Well done is better than well said. ~Benjamin Franklin

Differences Between Men and Women #14 Color

1 Reply

DSCF2876

 

Some recent painting at my house has brought to mind another of the myriad of differences between men and women.  So let’s talk about color.

We all learned in elementary school that there are three primary colors: red, yellow and blue.  After we mastered that concept we moved onto the color spectrum with the mnemonic of “Roy G. Biv”  to help us remember red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo and violet.  

As a child I remember coloring and drawing with the crayons from an eight pack of Crayola crayons that, since 1903, has consisted of red, yellow, blue, green, orange, brown, violet (purple) and black.  In reality, those eight colors were enough.  I remember wanting the larger box of crayons, especially the 64 pack with the nifty built-in sharpener.  But even when I had the bigger box, I pretty much stuck to the basic eight.  

Pretty much all the colors a man needs are included in that box of eight crayons.  If you are talking about painting a wall, a man does not even need all eight.  Add white to the list and knock off red, yellow, orange, violet and black.  That leaves you with white, blue, green and brown.  If you are talking to a man about painting an interior wall, it will come to deciding between those four colors.  Simple, right?

Unfortunately, it is not as simple as it would appear.   Apparently not all people (i.e. women) are not content to choose between four, or eight, or even sixty-four colors.  Someone decided to add shade after shade after shade and name each and every one.  Did you know that Sherwin-Williams has over 1,500 paint colors? 1,500!!

While a woman may appreciate the nuances between white, antique white and eggshell.  A man will see white, not so white and white with some brown (his mind will pretty much operate within the parameters of the four colors mentioned above).  So, my wife, after much consideration and consternation decided on painting our bathroom Malaysian Mist.  I think the bathroom looks nice painted blue.

Friday Funny July 10, 2015 A Baker’s Dozen of Baseball Riddles

1 Reply

baseball

Happy Friday!  The city of Cincinnati is all decked out and ready for the All-Star Game next week.  So, let’s kick off this Friday with a few, rather lame, baseball riddles.

Enjoy!

Why did the baseball player shut down his website?
He wasn’t getting any hits!

Why are most baseball games played at night?
Because bats sleep during the day!

Why are frogs good baseball players?
Because they know how to catch flies!

Why was Cinderella kicked out of the baseball game?
She ran away from the ball!

Why did the policeman go to the baseball game?
Because he heard someone had stolen a base!

What did the baseball mitt say to the ball?
Catch you later!

Why do girls like baseball?
It is the only sport played on a diamond!

Why did the baseball team hire Betty Crocker?
Because they needed a better batter!

Where does the catcher sit for dinner?
Behind the plate!

Why are some umpires fat?
They always clean their plate! 

How do baseball players keep in touch?
They touch base every once in a while!

What do you get when you cross a baseball pitcher with a carpet?
A throw rug!

When should baseball players wear armor?
When they play knight games!
 

Thought for the Week

“Things could be worse. Suppose your errors were counted and published every day, like those of a baseball player.” – Unknown

Diets You Probably Want to Skip

3 Replies

diet-water

It seems like every week there is a new diet out there of one kind or another.  I am not a diet expert nor am I am medical doctor, but I think you might want to stay away from the following diet strategies.

Move Out of the Swamp – In the early 1700’s, Thomas Short wrote a treatise called “The Causes and Effects of Corpulence,” in which he observed that heavier people tended to live near swamps. His simple diet was one step – move out of the swamp.  While this proved a fairly easy diet to follow, the move out of the swamp did not lead to significant weight loss.

Liquefied Diet – About one hundred years ago, Horace Fletcher stumbled upon the idea of chewing your food until it became liquefied before swallowing. Fletcher took this diet to extremes, arguing any food that doesn’t liquefy shouldn’t be consumed. While this might work for a number of foods, there are some that just will not cooperate, like fiber.

The Cigarette Diet – It’s hard to imagine that smoking cigarettes would ever been seen as promoting good health, but in another day and age, they did just that.  Close to a hundred years ago, several cigarette companies boasted the appetite-suppressing qualities of their products.  One ad for Lucky Strikes urged smokers to “Light a Lucky and you’ll never miss sweets that make you fat.”  Of course they neglected to mention you will not miss sweets because you will not be able to taste anything.

Slimming Soap – “I’m gonna wash that fat right out of my hair.”  Although it obviously sounds too good to be true (but then what diet ad doesn’t?), slimming soaps had women rushing for the bathtub in the 1930’s. With catchy names like “Fatoff,” “Fat-O-NO” and “La-Mar Reducing Soap” these products urged users to lather up to slim down.  However, I can just imagine the conversation:”Gee you smell nice today.”  “Why thank you, it must be the Fat-O-No I just showered with.”

Tapeworm Diet – In the 1950’s people learned that tapeworms cause weight-loss in their hosts.  Seizing a great marketing opportunity, people jumped on the tapeworm train and started ingesting baby tapeworms in order to eat without gaining a pound. However, those jumping on the train did not realize that those not-so-cute baby tapeworms could grow up to 25 feet long in the intestine.

The Prolinn Diet – In the 1970s, Roger Linn, MD, advocated eating nothing at all.  Well, not quite “nothing” there was the “miracle” liquid which, of course, he developed.  He humbly called his miracle liquid “Prolinn”. What was in this miracle diet liquid?  Prolinn consisted of ground animal horns, hooves, hides, tendons, bones and other slaughterhouse byproducts that were enhanced with artificial flavors, colors and enzymes to break them down. I understand how appealing this might sound to you; however, the daily allotment of Prolinn provided only 400 calories, and zero nutrients.  I guess one would lose weight if one stuck to this. It makes Slimfast sound decadent, doesn’t it?

Air Diet – The genius of this one is its simplicity and its cost.  No programs to attend, no food to buy, no counting of calories, just pretend to eat.  Feel free to load up your plate, grab a fork and knife, and bring real food up to your mouth, just don’t actually eat it. Mimicking the act of eating will, supposedly, make you feel satisfied. The good news is that you are allowed to eat unlimited amounts of water “soup”. The wonderful soup is also quite easy to make (the only ingredients are water and salt).  This is great because you will not waste a lot of time and effort as you whip up a hot, steaming bowl of NOTHING.

Good luck in your search for the perfect diet.  As for me, there is a Sundae Cone calling my name at the moment.

Friday Funny July 3, 2015 Then Some Other Stuff Happened

1 Reply

DSCF2872 (2)

Happy Friday and Happy 4th of July!  To help you get you in the mood to celebrate the birthday of the USA, I dusted off an old Scholastic book, circa 1970 purchased for the grand sum $0.60.  (I see it is selling on the internet for a lot more than $0.60 these days) The book was edited by Bill Lawrence, an eighth grade history teacher who complied some of his favorite excepts from his students.  Here is an excerpt about The Revolutionary War.

Enjoy!

TAXACATION WITHOUT REPRESENGTON

At first the British decided they could tax us with stamps.  They told us we had to put stamps on things like legal papers, lead and paint, glass, tea, and the Bill of Rights.  We didn’t appreciate this of course.

James Otis said, “All men are created equal, and taxacation without represengton is tyranny. (Tyranny is something that the people have no voice in.) If this be treason then let’s fight like treasons!”

James Otis played an important part in the war against the British and the Americans. He fought hard against the writs of assistance.  The writ was a place where they had all the bad people in.  They was very bad people who was in there.

Otis predicted that he would be stroked by lightning someday.  He always said he hoped God would take him out in a hurry.  He said, “When I die, by God, I hope I get stroked by lightning.”  Sure enough he did, and he lost his mind.

Patrick Henry was always quoting famous too.  He was always going around quoting, “Give me liberty or give me death!” Somebody should have give it to him.

Thomas Pain, an outspoken newspaper boy, wrote something called “Common Sense,” but I’m not sure what it was all about.  All I can say is Common Sense is something a person had who doesn’t do silly things.  I don’t have Common Sense for writing this.

Thought for the Week

Then join hand in hand, brave Americans all!
By uniting we stand, by dividing we fall.
~John Dickinson

http://www.quotegarden.com

The One Percenters That Worry Me.

4 Replies

SanDiego2010 006

I am sure that you have seen and heard commercials for soaps, kitchen cleaners, hand sanitizers, even dish washing machines that boast about how effective the product is in killing germs.  It seems like they all claim that their product kills 99% or 99.9% of germs. Well that sounds great and I am all for having fewer germs around.  But I have to wonder about that other 0.1% to 1% of germs.

These are the germs that I am concerned about.  Are these germs just the smartest germs and they see the germ killing product coming so they quickly run and take cover, surviving to infect me on another day?  Are these germs just the strongest germs and they just face the product head on and stumble away,  in a weakened state, but survive to wreak havoc another day? Perhaps these are the nastiest and meanest germs that just laugh at and make fun of the anti-bacterial products as they go about their business like nothing has happened?  Or, the most frightening scenario, maybe these germs are zombie germs that have had all the life sucked out of them by the cleaning products, but continue on in a half dead state searching for a body (and brain!) to infect? 

Who cares about the wimpy 99% of germs that any old household cleaner can take care of?  I want to know about the super human, cannot be stopped, take no prisoners, won’t stop until I am sick from them kind germs!

I remember shopping for a dish washer several years ago.  We entered the store and told the anxious young man what we were looking for.  He immediately took us to a machine that was priced about twice what we were willing to pay and boldly proclaimed that this machine killed 99.9% of germs.  I was tempted to ask him two questions: 1) Tell me about the fraction of a percent of the germs that this machine does not kill, what are they like? and 2) Can you provide me with a list of the 99.9% of germs this machine does kill?  Since I knew I was not buying that machine and, based on his high pressure techniques, I was not likely to buy anything from that store, I held my tongue.  But I do wish I had asked.

Come to think of it, our dish washer has been making some funny sounds lately.  Perhaps. I will be in the market for a new machine before long and this time I will be asking about those germs that the machine is not capable of eliminating.

 

 

Friday Funny June 26, 2015 More Mondegreens

Leave a reply

SanDiego2010 006

Happy Friday!  This week I thought I would share some song lyrics that are often misheard.  If you want to impress your friends – they are called  mondegreens.  (As an added bonus at least one of these songs will be stuck in your head for the rest of the day.)

Enjoy!

“and there’s a wino down the road – I should have stolen Oreos”/”and as we wind on down the road, our shadows taller than our souls” (Led Zeppelin, “Stairway to Heaven)

“bring me an iron lung!”/”bring me a higher love” (Steve Winwood, “Higher Love’)

“you’ve got mud on your face, front disc brakes”/”you’ve got mud on your face, a big disgrace” (Queen, “We Will Rock You”)

“no dukes of hazzard in the classroom”/”no dark sarcasm in the classroom” (Pink Floyd, “Another Brick in the Wall”)

“stuffing my face with his fingers”/”strumming my fate with his fingers” (Roberta Flack, “Killing Me Softly”)

“you hardly talk to me anymore, when I Kung Fu the door at the end of the day”/”you hardly talk to me anymore, when I come through the door at the end of the day” )Neil Diamond, “You Don’t Bring Me Flowers”)

“Won’t you be my bald-headed woman? I want to be your bald-headed man”/”Won’t you be my forever woman? I want to be your forever man” (Eric Clapton, “Forever Man”)

“hit me with your pet shark”/”hit me with your best shot” (Pat Benatar, “Hit Me With Your Best Shot”)

“Hold me closer, Tony Danza” / “Hold me closer, tiny dancer” (Elton John, “Tiny Dancer”)

“That’s why they call me baboon” / “That’s Why They Call It the Blues” (Elton John, “I Guess That’s Why They Call it the Blues”)

“There’s a bathroom on the right” / “There’s a bad moon on the rise” (Creedence Clearwater Revival, “Bad Moon Rising”)

“Alfred” / “Half-breed” (Cher, “Half-breed”)

“I’m not talking about millennium” / “I’m Not Talkin’ About Movin’ In” (England Dan & John Ford Coley, “I’d Really Love to See You Tonight”)

“They were all impressed with your Halston dress and the people you knew at the lanes” / “They were all impressed with your Halston dress and the people you knew at Elaine’s” (Billy Joel, “Big Shot”)

“Baking carrot biscuits.” / “Taking care of business.” (Bachman-Turner Overdrive, “Takin’ Care of Business”)

“Then I saw her face, now I’m gonna leave her” / “then I saw her face, now I’m a believer.” (Monkeys, “I’m a Believer”)

“What a nice surprise when you’re out of ice.” / “What a nice surprise bring your alibis.” (Eagles, “Hotel California”)

“She’s got a chicken to ride.”/ “She’s got a ticket to ride.” (Beetles, “Ticket to Ride”)

“Donuts make my brown eyes blue.” / “Don’t it make my brown eyes blue.”
 (Crystal Gale, “Don’t It Make My Brown Eyes Blue”)

Thought for the Week

You will do foolish things, but do them with enthusiasm. ~Colette

http://www.quotegarden.com

 

Million Dollar Marketing Idea #1

3 Replies

lgs

I make my living in the not-so-exciting and glamorous word of accounting.  However, some days I long for the exciting and exotic world of marketing where all the hip and cool people go to work.  From time to time I also have a great idea for marketing; however since I am a dull accountant, I never get to implement these great ideas.  Since I cannot use them, I will throw one of these out from time to time and when you take this idea, implement it and make your millions, you can write me a thank you note.

Have you ever thought about how baby’s and children’s clothes are sized?  They start at newborn and then go by months: 3 months, 6 months, 9 months, 12 months, 18 months, and 24 months. After 24 months they move to years with a T for toddler for a few years and then just the number 2T, 3T, 4T, 5, and 6.

So here is my idea:  let’s use the baby and children sizing scheme for adults.

Think about it. If you are a ten-year old kid of average size you would wear a size 120, at 15 you would wear a size 180, at 20 you would wear a size 240 and at age 25, a size 300. Then things, hopefully start to level off and slow down and from there on out you can wear clothes for a younger age.  Imagine how you would feel if at the age of 50 you could wear what you wore at age 30.  “I’m in great shape for my age, I am wearing a size 360 instead of a size 600!”

Joe:  “Hey Bob you look like you lost a little weight.”  Bob: “You know I have, I am down from a size 420 to a size 396!”

You turn on a dieting commercial and the lady proudly proclaims, “I just took ten years off my waist!”

It could also work the other way, “I’m not overweight, I am just a little old for my size.”

I think this could really catch on and help us all feel a little better about ourselves.  Just remember to send me a note when you make the big bucks.