Category Archives: Friday Funny

Friday Funny June 23, 2023 Don’t Let These Jokes Go To Your Head

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Happy Friday! I hope you have had a great week! This week I have rounded up so jokes about ego. You can give my ego a boost by following this blog. Just go to http://www.leonardslines.com enter your email address and hit the “follow” button. You may not be glad you did, but I will and this week is about ego…..

Enjoy!

How many egocentrics does it take to screw in a lightbulb – just one. He holds the lightbulb up and the world revolves around him.

If you saw a criminal with a big ego going down the stairs, would you say he was a Condescending Con Descending?

Would you say that a cannibal with a big ego was full of himself?

I just found out my friend has a secret life as a church pastor – it’s his altar ego.

The other day I lost my Id, fortunately I still have my Ego and Super Ego.

I used to have major ego problem; however, since I got rid of it I’m pretty much perfect.

My friend told me I have a massive ego.  I told him that was impossible because an ego would imply a fault, of which I have none.

I don’t have an ego – I’m just perfect.

Actually, I have a very small ego.  In fact, I should have the world record for the smallest ego.

My friends say I’m ego-centric, but enough about them…

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small bundle.” ~ Benjamin Franklin

Friday Funny June 16, 2023 Funny Food Names

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Happy Friday! The other day I was thinking about food names that don’t seem to make much sense like Boston Baked Beans which are a candy and not beans at all and it occurred to me that there are a lot of other food names out there that are just as odd.

Enjoy!

Boston Baked Beans are not beans but candy coated peanuts died to look like baked beans.

Swedish Fish are not made of fish but are a colorful & chewy candy with a distinct flavor.

Cowtails do not come from cows but are a chewy caramel candy wrapped around a cream center.

Sugar Babies contain no baby but are bite-sized, pan-coated, chewy milk caramel candies.

Grape Nuts have neither grapes nor nuts in them but is a cereal actually made from wheat and barley.  (I still think it is just gravel myself.)

Buffalo Wings contain no buffalo but are chicken wings coated with a hot sauce which originated in Buffalo, New York.

City chicken has no chicken but consists of cubes of pork which have been placed on a wooden skewer.

Thousand Island dressing contains no island particles but is a variant of remoulade and Russian dressing.

Apple butter has no butter but is a highly concentrated form of apple sauce.

Elephant Ears are neither ears nor elephant but just fried dough and lots of sugar.

A roll of Life Savors will not be very helpful if you are drowning.

To me Circus Peanuts are one of the mysteries of the universe.   They are  a peanut-shaped marshmallow candy:  orange-colored with an artificial banana flavor. What part of that makes any sense at all??

No moon in Moon Pie which is a pastry consisting of two graham cracker cookies, with marshmallow filling in the center, dipped in chocolate, banana, or coconut coatings.

There are no turtles in Turtles candy just pecans dipped in chocolate and caramel.

Baked Alaska has no part of Alaska in it but is a dessert made of ice cream placed in a pie dish lined with slices of sponge cake and topped with meringue.

Hopefully there are no dogs in your hot dogs and I doubt you have ever seen a chicken that had fingers.

Speaking of fingers, I don’t think there have ever been any fingers in the finger sandwiches I have eaten.

And quite unfortunately a 100 Grand Bar is a candy bar made from chocolate, caramel and crisped rice with no trace of $100,000 inside.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Love means never having to say “Should we get dessert?”‘~ UNKNOWN

Friday Funny June 9, 2023 Grin and Bear It

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Happy Friday! Last week we were out for some vacation time in the Smokey Mountains which inspired me for some park and bear jokes this week.

Enjoy!

Is it true that Yosemite was made a national park so people wouldn’t take it for granite?

I suggested to the national park service they release clay pigeons back into the wild, unfortunately they immediately shot down my idea.

Do you think that when bear see people in sleeping bags they think they are bear-ritos?

Bears catch a fish without a fishing rod or any equipment, they simply use their bear hands.

Would you call a bear who gets caught in the rain a drizzly bear?

Would What do you call a bear with no money Bear-oke?

Would  you call a bear without an ears B?

Would you call a bear that chops wood a lum-bear-jack?

 Is it true that if a bear wants to stop a movie he hits the paws button?

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A bear walks into a McDonalds and says, “I’ll have a Big Mac……….. and a chocolate shake.”

The cashier says, “Sure, but what’s with the big pause?”

The bear replies, “I dunno, I was born with them!”

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THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.” ~ George Carlin

Friday Funny May 26, 2023 Sales Jokes

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Happy Friday!  This weekend brings Memorial Day and the unofficial start of summer.  Be sure to take some time to reflect on those who have died in service to this country. 

How about a few sales jokes to kick off the holiday weekend?

Enjoy!

I have a friend who has a job selling freezers over the phone, she is great at cold calls.

I have a friend who just quit his job selling tire pumps, he just could not handle the pressure.

I have a friend who is a shoe salesman, he dances at work all day, he has a lot of sole.

I have a friend who is a pasta salesman, his commission is penne’s on the dollar.

I have a friend who was fired from his job selling amplifiers.  It seems he did not achieve a sufficient volume of sales.

What do you have to know to be a real estate salesperson? Lots.

How did Yoda get his first lead? He used the SalesForce.

The salesperson showed us a PowerPoint presentation on the water park we’re going to. It has several slides.

I asked the toy store sales assistant if they had any Arnold Schwarzenegger action figures in store. She replied “Aisle B, back”.

The Sales Manager announced a sales contest for the current month. The winners will get to enter next month’s contest.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“The more you are grateful for what you have the more you will have to be grateful for.” ~ Zig Ziglar

Friday Funny April 14, 2023 Don’t Sweep These Jokes Under The Rug

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Happy Friday!  It is the time of year for spring cleaning, so here are some jokes I dusted off for the occasion.

Enjoy!

I really hate spring cleaning. Those silly things bounce all over the place.

I was pretty upset when my freezer stopped working, then I realized that it’s all just water under the fridge.

You never know what you have, until you clean your garage.

I recently built a car out of used and broken pieces of a washing machine. I cannot wait to take it for a spin.

I finished cleaning my bathroom mirror and I did such a good job that I ended just sitting there reflecting.

I heard that the best way to contact the spirit of a  deceased window cleaner is with a Squeegee Board.

I recently saw a movie containing mild violence about cleaning supplies, it was rated Squeegee-13.

The highlight of my week was buying a new vacuum cleaner. Things are definitely picking up.

I have a friend wo got a job at the dry cleaners, but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and he kept upsetting the customers.  His boss made him do a hanger management course.

If you are wondering if I know any laundry puns, I’ve got loads of them.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Ignorance lies not in the things you don’t know, but in the things you know that ain’t so.” ~ Will Rogers

Friday Funny April 7, 2023 Peep Jousting

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Happy Friday!  Happy Passover!  Happy Easter!  This week, instead of some jokes, I thought I would share a fun activity for the whole family.

Enjoy!

Peeps are in season! I assume that you are familiar with Peeps, the little marshmallow confection that has been around since 1953.  They were originally promoted primarily at Easter-time but you can now find them at Halloween, Christmas, Valentine’s Day and just about any time. They come in various shapes and colors but all are basically sugar, corn syrup, gelatin, food dyes and salt.

One of the great debates of modern time is whether it is better to eat Peeps “fresh” out of the box or to slit the cellophane and wait a day, a week or a month or two for the Peeps to properly age (get stale) before eating them.  We can save that debate for another time.

This weekend, if you have some Peeps around, may a suggest some Peep Jousting? (If you do not have any you might even want to go out and obtain some for this event!)  There is really not much preparation needed for Peep Jousting.  All you need are Peeps, toothpicks, a plate and a microwave.

Take two Peeps, insert a toothpick in each Peep so that it looks like a lance, arrange the Peeps facing each other on a plate and put the plate in the microwave. Set the microwave for approximately 40 seconds and watch!  Do not walk away from the microwave or you will miss all the fun!  Now there are a few differing theories on how to determine the winner of the match: 1) the Peep whose lance touches the other Peep first wins, 2) the Peep who deflates first is the loser, or 3) the Peep that blows up first loses.  Take you pick or invent your own.  Sadly, there are no returning champions in Peep Jousting, this is a “one and done” sport.

I would not suggest eating the Peeps post-joust – they are hot, they are messy and believe or not, they lose their flavor in the combat.

So, this year, add a little Peep Jousting to liven up the afternoon.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“The very first Easter taught us this: that life never ends and love never dies. ~ Kate McGahan, “Only Gone from Your Sight”

Friday Funny March 31, 2023 Jokes That Are On The Ball

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Happy Friday! As we bring a close to March we are at the beginning of a new baseball season.  It is that time of year when hope springs eternal!  So, let me  toss a few baseball jokes your way to kick the weekend off.

Enjoy!

I have a baseball joke to tell you. It will leave you in stitches.

How do baseball players stay Friends? They touch base every once in a while.

I heard that it is a good idea to take a baseball player with you when you go camping so that he can pitch the tent.

If you crossed a baseball pitcher with a carpet, would you get a throw rug?

Where did the baseball player wash his socks? In the bleachers.

What is the main rule of zebra baseball? Three stripes and you’re out.

What do baseball players use to bake a cake? Oven mitts, bunt pans, and batter.

Why did the baseball player shut down his website? He wasn’t getting any hits.

I once tried to kill a giant mouse with a baseball bat.  Seems that I now have a lifetime ban from Disney World.

People say I’m too aggressive when I’m trading baseball cards. I will admit that I am Ruth-less.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good, too.” ~ Yogi Berra

Friday Funny March 24, 2023 Jokes That Are “OK”

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Happy Friday!  Hope you have had an excellent week.  Mine has been so-so and so are these jokes.

Enjoy!

Is it true that the most mediocre color is Meh-genta?

Is it true that only a mediocre person is always at their best?

Would you call a mediocre member of organized crime a mafiososo?

Would you call a mediocre sandwich a Subpar?

I once wrote a mediocre paper on computer programming; I received a C++.

Last week we went out for some mediocre Chinese food, it was Tso Tso.

I am not a mathematician; my statistic skills are mediocre at best and average at worst.

My attempt at art is a lot like communism – fantastic in theory, mediocre in practice, messy in result.

The other day I went to Starbucks, I asked the barista, “What’s your mildest roast?”  She thought about it for a minute and said, “You have mediocre ears.”

I recently organized a mediocre game of tag with some friends, the situation was touch-and-go.

Do you know what historical figure is known for saying “ehh, good enough.”? It was Mediocrates.

I am putting up a surround sound system in my family room. I decided to hire a sound technician instead of a mediocre one.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

 “No one gets ahead by striving for mediocrity.” ~ Glenn C. Stewart

Friday Funny March 15, 2023 Jokes To Help You Deal With The Madness

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Happy Friday and Welcome to March Madness!  Here is hoping that our bracket does not get busted on the first night!

Enjoy!

Is it true that basketball players cannot go on vacations because they aren’t allowed to travel?

I used to be addicted to basketball, but I rebounded.

Is it true that a pirate’s favorite basketball move is a jump hook?

Is it true that basketball players love cookies because they can dunk them?

Did you hear about the basketball team of anti-vaxers?  Seems they los every game because they never took any shots.

I read there is going to be a new sci-fi basketball show., they are going to call it Hooper Natural.

Did you hear about the basketball coach who loves dogs?  He has three pointers.

Where do point guards take their dates after the game? To the Basket Ball.

Is it true that basketball players favorite kind of cheese is ls swish?

Did you hear about the pumpkin who played basketball? He was a point gourd.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Things turn out best for the people who make the best of the way things turn out.” ~ John Wooden, UCLA Basketball Coach, 1948-1975

Friday Funny March 3, 2023 Relationship Jokes

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Happy Friday and welcome to March!  I have an anniversary coming up in a few days, so let’s kick his weekend off with some relationship jokes.

Enjoy!

For our anniversary, I gave my wife a small picture of me inside a pistachio. It’s just me in a nutshell.

I asked my wife if she’d like a new Diamond Ring to celebrate our anniversary. “Nothing would make me happier!” She replied.  So, I got her nothing.

Our anniversary is coming up, so my wife told me that she would be happy as long as I get her something with a lot of diamonds in it.  I think she is going to love this pack of playing cards.

My wife asked me, “Do you want dinner?” I replied, “I don’t know. What are my choices?” Her response, “Yes or no.”

I asked my wife which she liked better, my face or my body? She said, “Your sense of humor.”

I think arguing with your spouse is like trying to read the “Terms of Use” on the internet. Eventually, you just give up and say, “I Agree.”

I thought I won the argument with my wife about how to arrange the furniture; however, when I got home, the tables had turned.

My wife said she wanted to be treated like a princess for our anniversary. So, I invited seven little people over so she could make us dinner – now she’s mad at me.

My wife keeps telling me that I’m the cheapest person she has ever met, but I’m not buying it.

My wife and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” ~ Henny Youngman