During man’s time on earth, he has managed to create many instruments, some are majestic and wonderful that then there are some that are just not cool.  Take the ukulele for instance; can you really take anyone seriously who is holding a ukulele?  What about the cow bell?  Have you ever met anyone who could say with a straight face, “I have been seriously studying cow bell playing for quite some time now”?  I played the violin for a few years in grade school, it is impossible to be a cool guy and play the violin.  (By the way- what did my violin and a lawsuit have in common? Everyone was happy when the case was closed!)  Then there is the accordion – half a keyboard on one side and random buttons on the other with bellows in between.

Yet, as un-cool as those are, none can come close to bagpipes.  One can only speculate as to why they were invented in the first place and why they are not buried in the dust bin of history.  A few bagpipe questions for you to ponder:

Is it true that bagpipers walk when they play to get away from the noise?

Is it true that the difference between a bagpipe and an onion is that no one cries when you chop up a bagpipe?

I heard that playing a bagpipe is kind of like throwing a javelin blindfolded, with either you don’t have to be very good to get people’s attention.

Is it true that the difference between a lawnmower and a bagpipe is that you can tune the lawnmower and the owner’s neighbors are upset if you borrow the lawnmower and don’t return it.

Do you know how can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune? Someone is blowing into it.

I heard that the definition of a gentleman is someone who knows how to play the bagpipe and doesn’t.

You know there is one sound worse than a bagpipe, we just have not figured out what it is yet.

Thought for the Week

“I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the man-made object never equaled the purity of sound achieved by the pig.” ~ Alfred Hitchcock

Happy Friday! Congratulations for making it to the halfway point of another year!

Last night I was tossing and turning quite a bit, so I figured I might as well share some sleep jokes this week.

Enjoy!

Is it true that the meatball told the spaghetti to close its eyes and go to sleep because it was pasta bedtime?

Is it true that sheep get to sleep by counting their friends?

Is it true that clowns have stiff necks because they sleep funny?

If a king sleeps on a king-size mattress and a queen sleeps on a queen-size mattress, would a prince sleep on an heir mattress?

Did you know that there is an actual clinical name for the condition where you can’t sleep and just eat instead?  It’s called insom-nom-nom-nom-nia

I used to have a problem being late all the time.  My doctor recommended sleeping in an herb garden. I know that sounds weird but now, I wake up on thyme.

I was going to take a week off from work to break my personal sleep record, unfortunately my family was not supportive of my dream.

I saw where thieves broke into the grocery and stole all of the coffee. I don’t know how these people sleep at night.

This morning I found stir fry all over my bed, guess I must have been sleep wok-ing again.

I fell asleep beside the kitchen sink, now I feel completely drained.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the doctor’s book.” ~ Irish Proverb

Happy Friday! The other day I was thinking about food names that don’t seem to make much sense like Boston Baked Beans which are a candy and not beans at all and it occurred to me that there are a lot of other food names out there that are just as odd.

Enjoy!

Boston Baked Beans are not beans but candy coated peanuts died to look like baked beans.

Swedish Fish are not made of fish but are a colorful & chewy candy with a distinct flavor.

Cowtails do not come from cows but are a chewy caramel candy wrapped around a cream center.

Sugar Babies contain no baby but are bite-sized, pan-coated, chewy milk caramel candies.

Grape Nuts have neither grapes nor nuts in them but is a cereal actually made from wheat and barley.  (I still think it is just gravel myself.)

Buffalo Wings contain no buffalo but are chicken wings coated with a hot sauce which originated in Buffalo, New York.

City chicken has no chicken but consists of cubes of pork which have been placed on a wooden skewer.

Thousand Island dressing contains no island particles but is a variant of remoulade and Russian dressing.

Apple butter has no butter but is a highly concentrated form of apple sauce.

Elephant Ears are neither ears nor elephant but just fried dough and lots of sugar.

A roll of Life Savors will not be very helpful if you are drowning.

To me Circus Peanuts are one of the mysteries of the universe.   They are  a peanut-shaped marshmallow candy:  orange-colored with an artificial banana flavor. What part of that makes any sense at all??

No moon in Moon Pie which is a pastry consisting of two graham cracker cookies, with marshmallow filling in the center, dipped in chocolate, banana, or coconut coatings.

There are no turtles in Turtles candy just pecans dipped in chocolate and caramel.

Baked Alaska has no part of Alaska in it but is a dessert made of ice cream placed in a pie dish lined with slices of sponge cake and topped with meringue.

Hopefully there are no dogs in your hot dogs and I doubt you have ever seen a chicken that had fingers.

Speaking of fingers, I don’t think there have ever been any fingers in the finger sandwiches I have eaten.

And quite unfortunately a 100 Grand Bar is a candy bar made from chocolate, caramel and crisped rice with no trace of $100,000 inside.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Love means never having to say “Should we get dessert?”‘~ UNKNOWN

Happy Friday!  This weekend brings Memorial Day and the unofficial start of summer.  Be sure to take some time to reflect on those who have died in service to this country. 

How about a few sales jokes to kick off the holiday weekend?

Enjoy!

I have a friend who has a job selling freezers over the phone, she is great at cold calls.

I have a friend who just quit his job selling tire pumps, he just could not handle the pressure.

I have a friend who is a shoe salesman, he dances at work all day, he has a lot of sole.

I have a friend who is a pasta salesman, his commission is penne’s on the dollar.

I have a friend who was fired from his job selling amplifiers.  It seems he did not achieve a sufficient volume of sales.

What do you have to know to be a real estate salesperson? Lots.

How did Yoda get his first lead? He used the SalesForce.

The salesperson showed us a PowerPoint presentation on the water park we’re going to. It has several slides.

I asked the toy store sales assistant if they had any Arnold Schwarzenegger action figures in store. She replied “Aisle B, back”.

The Sales Manager announced a sales contest for the current month. The winners will get to enter next month’s contest.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“The more you are grateful for what you have the more you will have to be grateful for.” ~ Zig Ziglar