Happy Friday- I mean Monday. I missed sending a funny last Friday, but with Halloween at the doorstep, I could not resist some Halloween Jokes.
Enjoy!
If a ghost cow laughed, would it go “Moo-ha-ha-ha”?
Do little ghosts have to fasten their sheet belts when they get in the car?
Would you call a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts a Pharaoh Roche?
Did you hear about the skeleton beauty contest that was won by no body?
I heard that a vampire’s favorite fruit is a Neck-tarine.
I heard that when a skeleton wants to go for a fun night, he is always looking for a hip joint.
Is it true that vampires do not like being investment bankers because they do not like stakeholders?
If a pumpkin was a minister would it preach from the pulp-it?
Is it true that skeletons cannot play church music because they have no organs?
I have more skeleton jokes, but I did not think you would find them very humerus.
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“You’ve heard of the fury of a woman scorned, haven’t you? Well, that’s nothing compared to the fury of a woman who has been cheated out of tricks-or-treats.” ~ Linus, It’s The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown
This is Memorial Day weekend, a time set aside for honoring and mourning the U.S. military personnel who died while serving in the military. It is a bit more poignant this year as it comes less than two weeks from the 80th anniversary of D-Day.
I hope you have a nice weekend and I will kick it off with some summer-time jokes.
Enjoy!
I heard that reading while you sunbathe can make you well red.
Looks like I will not be traveling very far this summer. I have a rash and my dermatologist told me to apply the medication locally.
I told my suitcases that there would be no summer vacation. Now I’m dealing with emotional baggage.
My last trip the airline lost my luggage, I tried to sue them, but unfortunately, lost my case.
I applied for a summer job with a company that makes sunscreen. I was rejected but I think I will reapply.
Did you hear about the ice cream truck that broke down because of the rocky road?
Did you hear about the Canadian who was able to put out a fire while vacationing in Mexico? She had the help of a hose eh.
Would you call a Frenchman in sandals Phillipe Phloppe?
What do bees say to each other in summer? “It’s swarm, isn’t it?”
My wife insisted that we go to Stockholm in vacation. At first I didn’t want to go, but now, I don’t want to leave.
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“Well, everybody’s heart needs a holiday, sometime
And everyone of us needs to get away, somehow
So I’m laughing lighthearted moods, oh, the sight-seeing afternoons
And tellin’ a joke or two ’cause everyday invites you
To find your place in the sun.” ~ Pablo Cruise – “A Place in the Sun”
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It has been a few weeks since I have added a podcast episode. The latest episode looks at the most difficult and the most memorable tests I have had to take. You can find it at the link below.
Happy Friday! Memorial Day is almost here and that brings the unofficial start of summer and the vacation season. So, let’s kick off this Friday with some vacation jokes.
Enjoy!
Did you hear about the music note that went on vacation because it needed a rest?
Did you hear about the bread that went on vacation because it needed to loaf around?
Did you hear about the banker who went on vacation because he needed change?
Did you hear about the astronaut who went on vacation because he needed more space?
Did you hear about the shoe that went on vacation to do a little soul-searching?
Did you hear about the magician who went on vacation because he needed to disappear for a while?
Did you hear about the battery that went on vacation because it needed to recharge?
Did you hear about the paperclip that needed a vacation because it was bent out of shape?
Did you hear about the laptop that went on vacation because it needed to reboot?
Did you hear about the coffee maker that went on vacation to get away from the daily grind?
Did you hear about the drill that went on vacation because it was bored?
My wife says that being married to me is like being on vacation for the rest of her life, she says I was her last resort.
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“A vacation should be just long enough for the boss to miss you, and not long enough for him to discover how well he can get along without you.” ~ Jacob Morton Braude
Happy New Year! It is time to say “goodbye” to 2023 and “welcome” to 2024. I want to thank you for letting me invade your Fridays in 2023. I wish you peace and joy in 2024!
Enjoy!
It is almost New Year’s Eve and I am having a bout of auld-langietxy about what my New Year’s resolutions should be.
You could be like Dr. Frankenstein and have a New Year’s resolution to make new friends.
I find it interesting that every New Year’s Eve, I look forward to tuning into a good show at Time’s Square, yet year after year, they drop the ball.
Last New Year’s Eve close to midnight, Dracula passed out and there was a count down.
Is it true that soccer players are the worst at following through with their New Year’s resolutions because they always seem to be running away from their goals?
My New Years resolution is to eat 1200 calories a day. I am pretty confident I can surpass that goal on a regular basis.
A few Dad jokes to close out the year:
I have this amazing ability that I can tell when someone is lying just by looking at them. I can also tell when they are standing.
My computer is mad at my printer, apparently it didn’t like its toner voice.
Did you hear that laughing too loudly is illegal in Hawaii? It seems they only permit a low “ha.”
Last night I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.
I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.
A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“There are better things ahead than any we leave behind.” ~ C.S. Lewis
Happy Friday! Less than a week of the days getting shorter and less than two weeks until Christmas! In the spirit of the season, here are some more Christmas jokes.
Enjoy!
Is it true that if you eat Christmas decorations you will get tinsel-it-is?
I heard that when reindeer have sleepovers, they like to play truth or deer.
Is it true that a Christmas tree’s favorite candy is orna-mints?
I heard that Rudolph had to attend summer school because he went down in history.
If someone has lost their Christmas spirit, should you nurse them back to elf?
Is it true that on the day after Christmas, the elves clean Santa’s sleigh using Santa-tizer?
I heard that snow globes never get scared; however, they do occasionally get shaken.
Is it true that Christmas trees do not knit because they keeping dropping their needles?
I heard that Santa uses a GPS because he doesn’t want to be a lost Claus.
If Santa’s sleigh broke down, would he need to get mistle-toed?
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace among men in whom he is well pleased.” ~ Luke 2:13-14
Happy Friday! It is time to pullout some more Christmas mondegreens! (A mondegreen is a word or phrase that results from mishearing or misinterpreting a statement or song lyric.) So, have a chuckle at some mangled song lyrics.
Enjoy!
All I Want for Christmas
Misheard lyric: “Take back the Harley and mistletoe”
Correct lyric: “Take back the holly and mistletoe”
Frosty the Snowman
Misheard lyric: “With a broom stuck in his head”
Correct lyric: “With a broom stuck in his hand”
Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer
Misquoted lyric: “Grandma got run over by a reindeer, walking home from outhouse on Christmas Eve”
Correct lyric: “Grandma got run over by a reindeer, walking home from our house on Christmas Eve”
Winter Wonderland
Misheard lyric: “In the meadow we can build a snowman and pretend that he is sparse and brown”
Correct lyric: “In the meadow we can build a snowman and pretend that he is Parson Brown”
White Christmas
Misheard lyric: “I’m dreaming of a white Christmas, with every Christmas card arrived”
Correct lyric: “I’m dreaming of a white Christmas, with every Christmas card I write”
“Good King Wenceslas”
Misheard lyric: “Gath’ring wine and gruel”
Correct lyric: “Gath’ring winter fuel”
Joy to the World
Misheard lyric: “Let men their sins enjoy”
Correct lyric: “Let men then songs employ”
God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen
Misheard lyric: “God rest ye merry gentlemen, let nothing through this May”
Correct lyric: “God rest ye merry gentlemen, let nothing you dismay”
Santa Claus Is Coming to Town
Misheard Lyric: “He’ll seize you when you’re sleeping”
Correct Lyric: “He sees you when you’re sleeping”
Away In a Manger
Misheard Lyric: “The cattle are blowing the poor baby away”
Correct Lyric: “The cattle are lowing, the poor baby wakes.”
Auld Lang Syne”
Misheard Lyric: “And make the old man cry”
Correct Lyrics: “And days of auld lang syne”
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“Oh, Christmas isn’t just a day; it’s a frame of mind.” ~ Kris Kringle in “Miracle on 34th Street.
Happy Friday and welcome to December! That means Christmas is just around the corner and this week we turn our attention to candy canes.
Enjoy!
This is the time of year that you encounter candy canes everywhere. You will find candy canes on windows, in yards and on Christmas Trees. The best candy canes are the ones that you can eat, I have always liked peppermint. According to the National Confectioners Association (NCA), candy canes are the No. 1-selling non-chocolate candy during the month of December. The biggest single week for candy canes is the second week of December. “Likely because most people decorate their Christmas trees that week,” says Carly Schildhaus, public affairs manager for the NCA.
“Legend has it that the candy cane dates back to 1670, when the choirmaster at the Cologne Cathedral in Germany handed out sugar sticks among his young singers to keep them quiet during the Living Creche ceremony,” Schildhaus says. “In honor of the occasion, he bent the candies into shepherds’ crooks.”
According to Schildhau, white candy canes made their debut in the States 1847 in Wooster Ohio, when August Imgard, a German-Swedish immigrant, decorated a small blue spruce with paper ornaments and candy canes.
Perhaps you, like me, associate candy canes with red and white strips and peppermint flavor; however, there are many variations. Here are just a few.
Bacon Candy Canes – well, they do say bacon makes everything better. The box promises the smoky, savory flavor of a crispy piece of bacon. Might be worth a try.
Ham Candy Canes- I suppose if there are bacon flavored canes, there might as well be ham flavored ones as well. When they come out with egg canes and toast canes, you can have a full and complete breakfast.
Funfetti Candy Canes – it appears there is an attempt to transform Funfetti cake into just about anything. I am not a big fan of Funfetti cake as cake and I can pass on this one.!
Pickle Candy Canes – the opportunity to enjoy the tangy taste of pickle candy canes? Sounds like a big dill to me!
Mac & Cheese Candy Canes – Mac & Cheese might be a great comfort food, but as a candy cane?
Ketchup Candy Canes– I guess they are the right color and I suppose someone had to try making the omnipresent tomato-flavored condiment into a candy cane.
Clam Candy Canes – why? Just why??
Pizza Candy Canes – Who doesn’t love pizza? But as a candy cane? Is it thin crust or pan? New York or Chicago or Detroit style?
Caesar Salad Candy Canes– The list would not be complete without a “healthy option” – right? Did you say that you like a crunch in your salad? Well, here you go!
Sour Cream and Onion Candy Canes – That bag of chips is just so messy and greasy so instead of reaching for chips, reach for these candy canes!
Kale Candy Canes – What better way to ruin the whole idea of candy canes than with a kale flavored version? In a uniquely American way, let’s take a Superfood load it with sugar and shrink-wrap it in plastic.
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“Christmas will always be as long as we stand heart to heart and hand in hand.”~Dr. Seuss
Leonard's Lines 