Happy Friday! Less than a week of the days getting shorter and less than two weeks until Christmas! In the spirit of the season, here are some more Christmas jokes.
Enjoy!
Is it true that if you eat Christmas decorations you will get tinsel-it-is?
I heard that when reindeer have sleepovers, they like to play truth or deer.
Is it true that a Christmas tree’s favorite candy is orna-mints?
I heard that Rudolph had to attend summer school because he went down in history.
If someone has lost their Christmas spirit, should you nurse them back to elf?
Is it true that on the day after Christmas, the elves clean Santa’s sleigh using Santa-tizer?
I heard that snow globes never get scared; however, they do occasionally get shaken.
Is it true that Christmas trees do not knit because they keeping dropping their needles?
I heard that Santa uses a GPS because he doesn’t want to be a lost Claus.
If Santa’s sleigh broke down, would he need to get mistle-toed?
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace among men in whom he is well pleased.” ~ Luke 2:13-14
Happy Friday! It is time to pullout some more Christmas mondegreens! (A mondegreen is a word or phrase that results from mishearing or misinterpreting a statement or song lyric.) So, have a chuckle at some mangled song lyrics.
Enjoy!
All I Want for Christmas
Misheard lyric: “Take back the Harley and mistletoe”
Correct lyric: “Take back the holly and mistletoe”
Frosty the Snowman
Misheard lyric: “With a broom stuck in his head”
Correct lyric: “With a broom stuck in his hand”
Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer
Misquoted lyric: “Grandma got run over by a reindeer, walking home from outhouse on Christmas Eve”
Correct lyric: “Grandma got run over by a reindeer, walking home from our house on Christmas Eve”
Winter Wonderland
Misheard lyric: “In the meadow we can build a snowman and pretend that he is sparse and brown”
Correct lyric: “In the meadow we can build a snowman and pretend that he is Parson Brown”
White Christmas
Misheard lyric: “I’m dreaming of a white Christmas, with every Christmas card arrived”
Correct lyric: “I’m dreaming of a white Christmas, with every Christmas card I write”
“Good King Wenceslas”
Misheard lyric: “Gath’ring wine and gruel”
Correct lyric: “Gath’ring winter fuel”
Joy to the World
Misheard lyric: “Let men their sins enjoy”
Correct lyric: “Let men then songs employ”
God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen
Misheard lyric: “God rest ye merry gentlemen, let nothing through this May”
Correct lyric: “God rest ye merry gentlemen, let nothing you dismay”
Santa Claus Is Coming to Town
Misheard Lyric: “He’ll seize you when you’re sleeping”
Correct Lyric: “He sees you when you’re sleeping”
Away In a Manger
Misheard Lyric: “The cattle are blowing the poor baby away”
Correct Lyric: “The cattle are lowing, the poor baby wakes.”
Auld Lang Syne”
Misheard Lyric: “And make the old man cry”
Correct Lyrics: “And days of auld lang syne”
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“Oh, Christmas isn’t just a day; it’s a frame of mind.” ~ Kris Kringle in “Miracle on 34th Street.
Happy Friday and welcome to December! That means Christmas is just around the corner and this week we turn our attention to candy canes.
Enjoy!
This is the time of year that you encounter candy canes everywhere. You will find candy canes on windows, in yards and on Christmas Trees. The best candy canes are the ones that you can eat, I have always liked peppermint. According to the National Confectioners Association (NCA), candy canes are the No. 1-selling non-chocolate candy during the month of December. The biggest single week for candy canes is the second week of December. “Likely because most people decorate their Christmas trees that week,” says Carly Schildhaus, public affairs manager for the NCA.
“Legend has it that the candy cane dates back to 1670, when the choirmaster at the Cologne Cathedral in Germany handed out sugar sticks among his young singers to keep them quiet during the Living Creche ceremony,” Schildhaus says. “In honor of the occasion, he bent the candies into shepherds’ crooks.”
According to Schildhau, white candy canes made their debut in the States 1847 in Wooster Ohio, when August Imgard, a German-Swedish immigrant, decorated a small blue spruce with paper ornaments and candy canes.
Perhaps you, like me, associate candy canes with red and white strips and peppermint flavor; however, there are many variations. Here are just a few.
Bacon Candy Canes – well, they do say bacon makes everything better. The box promises the smoky, savory flavor of a crispy piece of bacon. Might be worth a try.
Ham Candy Canes- I suppose if there are bacon flavored canes, there might as well be ham flavored ones as well. When they come out with egg canes and toast canes, you can have a full and complete breakfast.
Funfetti Candy Canes – it appears there is an attempt to transform Funfetti cake into just about anything. I am not a big fan of Funfetti cake as cake and I can pass on this one.!
Pickle Candy Canes – the opportunity to enjoy the tangy taste of pickle candy canes? Sounds like a big dill to me!
Mac & Cheese Candy Canes – Mac & Cheese might be a great comfort food, but as a candy cane?
Ketchup Candy Canes– I guess they are the right color and I suppose someone had to try making the omnipresent tomato-flavored condiment into a candy cane.
Clam Candy Canes – why? Just why??
Pizza Candy Canes – Who doesn’t love pizza? But as a candy cane? Is it thin crust or pan? New York or Chicago or Detroit style?
Caesar Salad Candy Canes– The list would not be complete without a “healthy option” – right? Did you say that you like a crunch in your salad? Well, here you go!
Sour Cream and Onion Candy Canes – That bag of chips is just so messy and greasy so instead of reaching for chips, reach for these candy canes!
Kale Candy Canes – What better way to ruin the whole idea of candy canes than with a kale flavored version? In a uniquely American way, let’s take a Superfood load it with sugar and shrink-wrap it in plastic.
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“Christmas will always be as long as we stand heart to heart and hand in hand.”~Dr. Seuss
Happy Friday! Thanksgiving is only a week away, so I thought I would beat the holiday rush and deliver some Thanksgiving jokes this week.
Enjoy!
I heard that turkeys prefer to travel by gravy train.
I once met a very the rude turkey, he was a real jerk-y.
Did you know that little pumpkins cross the road with the help of a crossing gourd?
If you crossed a turkey with a centipede, would you get drumsticks for everyone?
We served a cheese plate at Thanksgiving. I think everyone was grateful.
I heard that the cider mill keeps track of its inventory on an Apple iPad.
I heard about a cranberry that could not go to the Thanksgiving party because it was bogged down with work.
Did you know that Thanksgiving bread jokes stay funny because they never get mold?
What kind of shows do green beans do? Pod casts.
What did one turkey say to the other turkey when they first saw the pilgrims? “They look nice, maybe they’ll have us over for dinner.”
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“We tend to forget that happiness doesn’t come as a result of getting something we don’t have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have.” —Friedrich Koenig
Happy Friday! Welcome to November! Trick or Treat is past and Thanking is on the horizon. Take a few moments this Friday to ponder some random thoughts.
Does your stomach think that all potatoes are mashed?
If Earth really was flat, do you think the edge would be a tourist attraction?
If your dog picked a name for you, what would it be?
Could you say that beans bags are really boneless sofas?
Have you ever wondered why a theme park can snap a crystal clear picture of you on a roller coaster at 60+ mph, but a bank camera cannot get a clean shot of a robber standing still?
If tomatoes are fruit, then should ketchup be tomatoe jam?
Have you noticed how many people pull their phones out of their pockets to check the time? It would appear pocket watches have made a comeback. Maybe we should attach chains to them?
Did it ever occur to you that a different version of you exists in the minds of every person who knows you?
Did you ever realize that the number of people older than you never goes up?
Is it not odd that we say “tuna fish,” but we do not say “chicken bird“?
Did you ever notice that watermelon candy is often green; however the green part is what we do not ear with a real watermelon?
Have you noticed that you only say, “Hey, stranger,” to someone you already know?
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“The darker the night, the brighter the stars.” ~ Fyodor Dostoyevsky
It is almost time for Trick or Treat! So, to set the mood, I dusted off my copy of “Vampire Jokes and Cartoons”, Edited by Phil Hirsch and Paul Laikin, Pyramid Books, 1974. Somethings get better with age, unfortunately, these jokes are not among those things. On the bright side, almost fifty years later, I am still getting something out of my $0.95 investment!
It is hard for me to accept that this blog is almost ten years old. If you have enjoyed the blog, I would invite to check out my new podcast as well – Leonard Looks at Life – you can find it at https://www.buzzsprout.com/2234608
Enjoy!
What was the vampire doing driving on the turnpike? – Looking for the main artery!
Why do vampires like comedians? – They like things in a jocular vein!
Why aren’t vampires’ good gamblers? – They’re always making sucker bets!
Why did the vampire dig for gold? – He wanted to strike a rich vein!
What kind of work do vampires do? — They file their teeth!
Where do you usually find vampires? – In any neck of the woods!
When does a vampire have a bad day? – When he gets up on the wrong side of the coffin!
What happens when vampires get together? – They drive each other bats!
What kind of first aid to vampires give? – Mouth-to-neck resuscitation!
How do you kill a hungry vampire? – You drive a steak through his heart!
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“I got a rock.” ~ Charlie Brown in “It’s The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown”
Happy Friday! Fall is well underway and this is the time of year when it is easy to find quite a few horror movies on television. If you pay attention you can find some useful lessons in those movies.
Enjoy!
If your friends suggest you, or worse dare you to, stay overnight in an old, abandoned mansion on the outskirts of town, it is a good bet that they are not really your friends.
Real estate tip – don’t ever buy that house that is in a secluded area, surrounded by woods and is available at a “too good to be true” price. It is just not worth it.
If you find any inexplicably creepy dolls, DO NOT keep them in your house. Better yet, do not pick them up or even take notice of them.
If you stumble upon a Cursed Book or a Cursed Game – DO NOT open the book or play the game. Avoid this in the same way you avoid creepy dolls.
The creepy old man that everyone avoids is usually the only one that really understands the situation. Listen to him and do what he says.
On the other hand, never trust a brilliant psychopath, he is never has your best interests in mind.
Maybe it is a good idea to just keep your cell phone on vibrate, it seems in a horror movie nobody ever has their phone on silent while hiding, and of course, their phone always rings at the worst possible moment.
This is a great time of year to check your flashlight batteries. Make sure you have an extra set or three. You do not want your flashlights flickering and going at the worst possible moment.
If you hear an odd noise and someone says, “Oh, it’s probably just the wind.” Run out the front door as fast as you can, get in your car and drive away.
Speaking of cars – keep a tight grip on your keys, do not drop them as you are attempting to make your getaway.
Also, car related, this is a great time to check the condition of your tires, northing stops a getaway faster than a flat tire.
Last item about cars, this is also a great time to check the condition of your battery so that the car will start at that critical moment when the monster/ killer/alien is right at your door.
Despite all your car preparation if for some reason your car will not start and you find yourself running to get away, DO NOT run in a straight line down the middle of the road when being chased by a speeding car. Try weaving off the road where a car cannot follow you, this is one time where the dense trees of the forest could be your friend.
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.”~ Jack Torrance, The Shining (1980)
Leonard's Lines 