Happy Friday! Fall is well underway and this is the time of year when it is easy to find quite a few horror movies on television. If you pay attention you can find some useful lessons in those movies.
Enjoy!
If your friends suggest you, or worse dare you to, stay overnight in an old, abandoned mansion on the outskirts of town, it is a good bet that they are not really your friends.
Real estate tip – don’t ever buy that house that is in a secluded area, surrounded by woods and is available at a “too good to be true” price. It is just not worth it.
If you find any inexplicably creepy dolls, DO NOT keep them in your house. Better yet, do not pick them up or even take notice of them.
If you stumble upon a Cursed Book or a Cursed Game – DO NOT open the book or play the game. Avoid this in the same way you avoid creepy dolls.
The creepy old man that everyone avoids is usually the only one that really understands the situation. Listen to him and do what he says.
On the other hand, never trust a brilliant psychopath, he is never has your best interests in mind.
Maybe it is a good idea to just keep your cell phone on vibrate, it seems in a horror movie nobody ever has their phone on silent while hiding, and of course, their phone always rings at the worst possible moment.
This is a great time of year to check your flashlight batteries. Make sure you have an extra set or three. You do not want your flashlights flickering and going at the worst possible moment.
If you hear an odd noise and someone says, “Oh, it’s probably just the wind.” Run out the front door as fast as you can, get in your car and drive away.
Speaking of cars – keep a tight grip on your keys, do not drop them as you are attempting to make your getaway.
Also, car related, this is a great time to check the condition of your tires, northing stops a getaway faster than a flat tire.
Last item about cars, this is also a great time to check the condition of your battery so that the car will start at that critical moment when the monster/ killer/alien is right at your door.
Despite all your car preparation if for some reason your car will not start and you find yourself running to get away, DO NOT run in a straight line down the middle of the road when being chased by a speeding car. Try weaving off the road where a car cannot follow you, this is one time where the dense trees of the forest could be your friend.
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.”~ Jack Torrance, The Shining (1980)
Happy Friday! As we approach the end of September, the college football season is well under way. If you do not have a favorite team, let me offer some interesting options.
Enjoy!
Anteaters of University of California/Irvine
Horned Frogs of Texas Christian University
Banana Slugs of the University of California/Santa Cruz
Boll Weevils of the University of Arkansas/Monticello
Black Flies of the College of the Atlantic
Claim Jumpers of Columbia College
Demon Deacons of Wake Forest
Dirtbags of Cal State Long Beach
Fighting Artichokes of Scottsdale Community College
Fighting Camels of Campbell University
Fighting Pickles of the North Carolina School of the Arts
Golden Flashes of Kent State University
Hatters of Stetson University
Hustlin’ Quakers of Earlham College
Ichabods of Washburn University
Purple Aces of the University of Evansville
Salukis of Southern Illinois University
Shockers of Wichita State
Sycamores of Indiana State University
Zips of the University of Akron
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“If the college you visit has a bookstore filled with t-shirts rather than books, find another college.”~ Albert Mohler Jr.
Happy Friday. After much contemplation, we are finally ready to give up our LAN line which made me think it was time for some more pone jokes.
Enjoy!
I left my phone under my pillow last night and woke up to $5 bill underneath it, I guess it must have been the Blue-tooth fairy
Is it true that the crow alighted on the telephone pole because he wanted to make a long distance caw?
You know, I just cannot picture myself without a camera phone.
I heard that is hard to contact a pirate because he always leaves his phone off the hook.
Fun Fact: On March 10th, 1876, Alexander Graham Bell made the first telephone call. Ten minutes later, he learned his auto warranty had expired.
Is it true that the burger was sitting by the phone incase onion rings?
Is it true that a horse only talks on the phone whinny wants to?
I put my phone into airplane mode, but it is not a very good transformer.
I enjoys writing jokes and storing them on my phone, you might say it is my Dad-a-base.
I once tried to get a job as a telephone operator; however, I sort of phoned in the interview and the HR Director did not think it was my true calling – so I’ve put those plans on hold for now.
I was going to list several more phone pun but I decided they were uncalled for.
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“Cell phones are so convenient that they’re an inconvenience.”~ Haruki Murakami
Happy Friday! Happy September! Happy Labor Day! Around here the corn is getting pretty tall, so it seems like a good time for some farm related humor.
Enjoy!
Is it true that cows have hooves instead of feet because they lactose?
I heard about a farmer who had a wooden tractor. It had wooden wheels, a wooden engine, wooden transmission and wooden work.
A farmer showed me his magic tractor, it turned into a field.
I had a friend who tore his rotator cuff while making butter on his farm. It was a really unfortunate churn of events.
Did you hear about the sad pig? He felt he was taken for grunted.
I tried to navigate the farmer’s field but it was a maize.
If there was a horse that lived next door, would he be your neigh-bor?
The farmer was going to tell his dog a joke about sheep, but he had herd them all.
If a chicken tells jokes would that make her a comedi-hen?
I read a story about a lettuce farmer who was arrested by the FDA on suspicion of combining plant and human DNA to create a new protein hybrid. When they dug up the grounds, they found human romaines.
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“The farmer has to be an optimist or he wouldn’t still be a farmer.” ~ Will Rogers
Happy Friday! Seems like it is about time for some more computer jokes.
Enjoy!
I put my internet router in my basement, you might say that I come from a LAN down under.
Would you call a computer mouse that swears a lot; a cursor?
Have you ever tried smelling the F5 key on your keyboard? It’s very refreshing
My computer said my password is insecure. You know if it wasn’t forced to have such strict requirements it might be a bit more confident.
Did you know that there is a chemical that is released in your brain when you see something funny on the internet? It is called Dopa-meme.
I heard about a farmer who was having a lot of trouble with his internet. He moved the modem to the barn and now he has stable wi-fi.
I heard about the computer that got married to the wi-fi, it appears that had a strong connection.
I heard about two web developers that got married, it was love at first site.
I just got fired from my job at the keyboard factory. It seems that I was not putting in enough shifts.
Would you call a computer superhero a Screen Saver?
I heard that computer programmers decide what to wear to work by consulting the dress code.
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“Whoever said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results has obviously never had to reboot a computer.” ~William Petersen
Happy Friday! I remember as a kid, I would go to the bank on Fridays with my Dad when he got home from work to cash his check. So, let’s kick off this weekend with some banking jokes.
Enjoy!
My dad always said, “Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.” So, I did and after years of hard work my account balance is $9.11.
I recently received an ad in the mail from a local back offering a mortgage with no interest. I went to the nearest branch to find out more. I asked the person at the counter about it and her response was, “I don’t really care.”
Is it true that a southerner asks for money from a bank with drawl?
Is it true that bankers make good musicians because they have all the notes?
I heard that a banker’s favorite song by Heart is “How Do I Get You Aloan?”
Is it true that police talk to bankers a lot because they are “persons of interest”?
If an Archaeologist just happened to excavate an ancient bank would that put him in financial ruin?
I heard that it takes four bankers to change a light bulb. One to hold the bulb, and three to try and remember the combination.
Would bank robbery be considered a safe job?
I think the hardest part about being addicted to banking is the withdrawals.
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“Banking is very good business if you don’t do anything dumb.”~ Warren Buffett
Happy Friday! We are in the dog days of summer and that means bugs are lurking everywhere.
Enjoy!
I heard that on movies Arnold Schwarzenegger will no longer kill people and now will kill only bugs. He has become an ex-terminator.
I saw a movie about bugs living together in an apartment, it is about ten ants.
I read a story about a bug who wanted to be an astronaut, he is a real luna-tick.
Would a talkative caterpillar eventually become a social butterfly?
It is a little known fact that bugs hold odd religious beliefs, they are all in sects.
I heard about a bed bug band, they mostly play covers.
I heard about two bed bugs who fell in love, they are getting married in the spring.
I saw where my bank recently hired a scientist that specializes in small insects, apparently she is an expert on fine ants.
Did you know there is a rule that wingless female insects will sink and male insects will float. That is just a simple way to know if they are buoy-ant.
Today I saw a tiny insect carrying a bottle of Febreze, apparently it was a deodor-ant.
I told a joke to a bunch of bugs and all I heard was crickets.
People who do not know the difference between etymology and entomology just bug me.
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.”~ John Lithgow
Happy Friday! In the midst of the hot & humid dog days of summer what is better than some ice cream? Unfortunately, I cannot send you an ice cream cone, but I can send some ice cream jokes your way.
Enjoy!
Is it true that the best place to learn how to make complicated ice cream dishes is at Sundae School?
Is it true that a pig’s favorite ice cream is Hoggin Daz?
Is it true that ice cream cones always carry an umbrella in case there is a chance of sprinkles?
Is it true that a deer’s favorite flavor of ice cream is Chocolate chip cookie doe?
Is it true that Homer Simpson’s favorite flavor of ice cream is Cookie d’oh?
If you divide the circumference of a bowl of ice cream by its diameter would you get Pi a’la mode?
I heard that the ice cream truck blew out a tire because it was on a rocky road.
I like to eat ice cream so much that sometimes I lose cone-trol.
I heard about an ice cream bandit who apparently was one smooth cream-inal.
Would you call an ice cream spy a sorbetoure?
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos.”~ Don Kardong
Leonard's Lines 