Happy Friday! With Christmas fast approaching, it seemed like a like a good time to unwrap some candy cane jokes.
Enjoy!
Santa never has to worry about the state of his candy cane collection because they are all in mint condition.
When a gingerbread man breaks his leg, does he use candy canes?
If a candy cane could talk, would he say what he mint?
I heard that the candy cane crossed the road to avoid getting licked.
If a candy cane was sad, would it be red, white, and blue?
If a dog ate to many candy canes would it have a peppermint bark?
Would you call a sharpened candy cane a spearmint?
Candy canes are kind of like relationships—sweet, with a few twists.
Would a candy cane’s favorite subject in school be Math-mint-ics?
Would a candy cane’s favorite types of fruit be candy-lopes and cle-mint-ines?
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?” – Bob Hope
Happy Friday! We are approaching the end of July and heading into August. I suppose you could say we are heading into the Dog Days of Summer. So, why not some dog jokes this week?
Enjoy!
A friend told me that every day when he gets home, he asks his dog how his day was, and every day he always receives the same reply, “Ruff.”
I once bought a dog from a blacksmith, as soon as I got him home, he made a bolt for the door.
The other day, I thought I saw a white dog, but after I spotted it I noticed it looked more like a Dalmatian.
I took my dog to the lake to day and noticed he floats very well, he’s a good buoy!
Did you hear about the dog who was stealing shingles because he wanted to become a woofer?
I heard that the difference between a businessman and a warm dog is that the businessman wears a suit but the dog just pants.
I recently planted a pet tree, and it’s like having a pet dog except the bark is much quieter.
Did you know that Corgi are not funny because all of them are really short?
If you connect a Corgi to a battery, would you get a short circuit?
Would you call a large dog that meditates an aware wolf?
Doesn’t it seem odd that dogs always race to the door when the doorbell rings since it is almost never for them?
I have prepared a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: if you send me $19.95 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“The tales of summer are as endless as the heatwaves that ripple across the horizon.” ~ Renee Ahdieh
Happy Friday! As you approach another weekend, I want to help you stay on the right side of the law. So please not the unique laws below and behave accordingly.
Enjoy!
In Mississippi, it is illegal to give beer to an elephant.
In Florida, it is illegal to park to tie your elephant to a parking meter without paying the parking fee.
In San Francisco, it is illegal to take your elephant on a walk unless it is on a leash.
In Massachusetts, it is illegal to have a gorilla in the backseat of your car.
In Nevada, it is illegal to have a camel on the highway.
In Missouri, it is illegal to wrestle a bear.
In Arizona, it is illegal to let your donkey sleep in the bathtub.
In Alabama, it is illegal to blindfold your pets in the car.
In Idaho, it is illegal to allow your pet to smoke a cigar.
In Minnesota, it is illegal for a cat to chase a dog up a telephone pole.
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“At his best, man is the noblest of all animals; separated from law and justice he is the worst.” ~ Aristotle
It has been a few weeks, but I have dropped a new podcast – you can find it at the following link.
Happy Friday! Seems like an appropriate time for some amusing quotes about politics.
Enjoy!
“A politician needs the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next week, next month, and next year. And to have the ability afterward to explain why it didn’t happen.” ~ Winston Churchill
“Since a politician never believes what he says, he is quite surprised to be taken at his word.”~ Charles de Gaulle
“Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy”. ~ Ernest Benn
“Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.”~ Oscar Ameringer
“We believe that to err is human. To blame it on someone else is politics.”~ Hubert H. Humphrey
“The more you observe politics, the more you’ve got to admit that each party is worse than the other.”~Will Rogers
“No one party can fool all of the people all of the time; that’s why we have two parties”.~ Bob Hope
“We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.” ~– Aesop
“Under every stone lurks a politician.”~– Aristophanes
“Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.” ~ Will Rogers
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“Things are more like they are now, than they ever were before.”~ Dwight D. Eisenhower
Happy Friday! I read where a good portion of the Midwest is dealing with 17-year cicadas. We had them in Ohio a few years ago so we feel, or should I say hear, your pain! Here are some cicada jokes to kick off your weekend.
Enjoy!
Is it true that cicadas are boring conversationalists because they don’t stop buzzing about what was cool 17 years ago?
I saw a cicada last night. The poor guy was just a hollow shell of his former self.
I heard that a cicada chef is opening a new restaurant, it’s called “Emergence-y Dining.”
Did you know that cicadas have very odd beliefs? It is true, they are all in sects.
Is it true that a cicada’s favorite game to play is ‘Hide and exoseek’?
I heard that cicadas get off the subway at the infest-station.
If life is just a game, then cicadas are not bugs, they are features.
Did you hear about the cicada who was lonely because he had no buggy to hang out with?
Is it true that the cicada called off work because she had a bug?
People who confuse etymology and entomology bug me in a way I can’t put into words.
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“We don’t stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing.” ~ George Bernard Shaw
This is Memorial Day weekend, a time set aside for honoring and mourning the U.S. military personnel who died while serving in the military. It is a bit more poignant this year as it comes less than two weeks from the 80th anniversary of D-Day.
I hope you have a nice weekend and I will kick it off with some summer-time jokes.
Enjoy!
I heard that reading while you sunbathe can make you well red.
Looks like I will not be traveling very far this summer. I have a rash and my dermatologist told me to apply the medication locally.
I told my suitcases that there would be no summer vacation. Now I’m dealing with emotional baggage.
My last trip the airline lost my luggage, I tried to sue them, but unfortunately, lost my case.
I applied for a summer job with a company that makes sunscreen. I was rejected but I think I will reapply.
Did you hear about the ice cream truck that broke down because of the rocky road?
Did you hear about the Canadian who was able to put out a fire while vacationing in Mexico? She had the help of a hose eh.
Would you call a Frenchman in sandals Phillipe Phloppe?
What do bees say to each other in summer? “It’s swarm, isn’t it?”
My wife insisted that we go to Stockholm in vacation. At first I didn’t want to go, but now, I don’t want to leave.
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“Well, everybody’s heart needs a holiday, sometime
And everyone of us needs to get away, somehow
So I’m laughing lighthearted moods, oh, the sight-seeing afternoons
And tellin’ a joke or two ’cause everyday invites you
To find your place in the sun.” ~ Pablo Cruise – “A Place in the Sun”
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It has been a few weeks since I have added a podcast episode. The latest episode looks at the most difficult and the most memorable tests I have had to take. You can find it at the link below.
Leonard's Lines 