Friday Funny September 1, 2017 Stars and Shingles

Happy Friday and Happy Labor Day!  I hope you have a chance to kick back a little bit and relax this weekend.  Here are a couple of jokes to jump start your weekend.

Enjoy!

STAR OF THE EUPHRATES

King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. He was down to his last great possession, the most valuable diamond known in the ancient world, the Star of the Euphrates, But the kink was desperate, so he went to Giddius, the pawnbroker, to get a loan.

Giddius said, “I’ll give you 100,000 dinars for it.”

“But I paid a million dinars for it,” the king protested. “Don’t you know who I am!? I am the king!!”

Giddius simply replied, “I am sorry but when you wish to pawn a Star, it makes no difference who you are.”

SHINGLES

These days, it seems like more and more doctors are running their practices like an assembly lines. I heard about a guy who recently walked into a doctor’s office.  He was greeted by the receptionist who asked him what he had.

He said, “Shingles.”

The receptionist took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse’s aid came out and asked him what he had.

He said, “Shingles.”

The nurse’s aid took down his height, his weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room. After a half-hour a nurse came in and asked him what he had.

He said, “Shingles.”

So the nurse gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, she then told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. After another hour the doctor came in and asked him what he had.

He said, “Shingles.”

The doctor said, “Where do you have them?”

The man replied, “Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?”

Thought for the Week

God give me work, till my life shall end
And life, till my work is done.
~Epitaph of Winifred Holtby

http://www.quotegarden.com

The Class of 2021 Arrives on Campus

It is fall, time for school to start again and time for me, once again, to be reminded of how old I am getting.  About this time each year Beloit College publishes their “Mindset List” noting events that have shaped the incoming freshman class.  About this time each year, I share some of my favorite items from their list.  This year I was struck by how many of the items deal with computers which were still shiny and new when I started my college career. 

In fact, I am so old that I remember my high school chemistry teacher, Mr. Youngerman insisting that we learn how to use a slide rule – a slide rule! (if you have to look it up, you are definitely younger than I).  

For the whole list visit http://www.beloit.edu/mindset

Enjoy!

Freshman entering college this year are mostly 18 and were born in 1999 and  they will be the last class to be born in the 1900s, the last of the Millennials. 

Peanuts comic strips have always been repeats.

They are the first generation for whom a “phone” has been primarily a video game, direction finder, electronic telegraph, and research library.

They have largely grown up in a floppy-less world. (Hey, I grew up in a floppy-less world too!)

There have always been emojis to cheer us up.

It is doubtful that they have ever used or heard the high-pitched whine of a dial-up modem.

By the time they entered school, laptops were outselling desktops.

Whatever the subject, there’s always been a blog for it.  

In their lifetimes, Blackberry has gone from being a wild fruit to being a communications device to becoming a wild fruit again. 

They have only seen a Checker Cab in a museum.

The Mars Polar Lander has always been lost.

The image of Sacagawea has always adorned the dollar coin, if you can find one.

Nolan Ryan has always worn his Texas Rangers cap in Cooperstown, while Steve Young and Dan Marino have always been watching football from the sidelines.

Thought for the Week

“I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past ” ~ Robert Brault

Friday Funny August 18, 2017 Beyond a Shadow

Happy Friday!  I hope you have had a great week.  There is a lot of excitement over the much-anticipated eclipse next week.  So buy your special sunglasses and brush up on a little eclipse humor.

Enjoy!

How does the Man in the Moon cut his hair?  Eclipse it!

How do you organize an eclipse party?  You planet!

Some people can tell what time it is simply by looking at the sun.  I am impressed by that, I have never been able to make out the numbers.

I remember when I was a kid I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, it finally dawned on me.

I heard that they opened a restaurant on the moon.  They say the food was great but it lacked atmosphere.

I heard that a moon rock is tastier than an earth rock because it is a little meteor.

Is a light year like a regular year but with a third less calories?

I thought about majoring in astronomy when I was in college, but figured that I would just be taking up space.

With all the excitement about the upcoming eclipse I wanted to gain a better understanding of what was really happening, so I went to a show at the planetarium but I have to admit that the program was over my head.

I heard that NASA wants to send a wildebeest into orbit seems they want a brave gnu whirled.

Thought for the Week

It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

http://www.quotegarden.com

 

Friday Funny August 11, 2017 Zombie jokes

Happy Friday!  Don’t look behind you, a zombie might be gaining on you!

Enjoy!

Q: What does it take to become a zombie?
A: DEADication!

Q: What did the zombie’s friend say when he introduced him to his girlfriend?
A: Good grief! Where did you dig her up from?

Q: What is a zombie’s favorite toy?
A: A DEADY bear!

Q: What did the zombie say before his fight?
A: Do you want a piece of me?

Q: Why did the zombie cross the road?
A: He wanted to eat the chicken!

Q: What has a dog’s head, a cat’s tail and brains all over its face?
A: A zombie coming out of the pet store!

Q: What did the zombie say to his date?
A: I just love a woman with BRAAAINS!

Q: Where do most zombies live?                                                                                                            A: On DEAD end streets! 

Q: What did the man say to his forgetful zombie wife?                                                                      A: You forgot your HEAD because it wasn’t attached!

Q: Did you hear about the zombie who tortured his victims with music?                                   A: His BACH was worse than his bite!

Thought for the Week

I am one of those people who just can’t help getting a kick out of life — even when it’s a kick in the teeth. ~Polly Adler

http://www.quotegarden.com

 

Friday Funny August 4, 2017 Wise Words of Mark Twain

Happy Friday! It is hard to believe that August is here and back-to-school is just around the corner.  This week, let’s dust off some memorable lines from one of America’s most notable writers, Mark Twain.

Enjoy!

The secret of getting ahead is getting started.

When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old.

I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.

Let us so live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.

Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.

Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.

Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.

It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.

The best way to cheer yourself is to try to cheer someone else up.

The man who doesn’t read good books has no advantage over the man who can’t read them.

Thunder is good, thunder is impressive; but it is lightning that does the work.

It’s no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense.

Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often.

All generalizations are false, including this one.

Thought for the Week

If the world comes to an end, I want to be in Cincinnati. Everything comes there ten years later.~ often attributed to Mark Twain

Friday Funny July 28, 2017 More Elephant Jokes

Happy Friday!  Another work week is winding down. So, here is a baker’s dozen of elephant jokes to brighten your day.  I know you will groan, but I bet you will tell at least one of them to someone today!

Enjoy!

Q: What do you call an elephant that rides a bus?
A: A passenger.

Q: Why don’t African elephants like to play cards?
A: Because of all the cheetahs.

Q: What kind of elephants live at the North Pole?
A: Cold ones.

Q: How do elephants talk to each other?
A: By ’elephone.

Q: Where do you find elephants?
A: It depends on where you left them.

Q: Why don’t elephants ride bicycles?
A: They don’t have thumbs to ring the bell.

Q: What weighs 5,000 pounds and wears glass slippers?
A: Cinderelephant!

Q: What did the cat say to the elephant?
A: “Meow!”

Q: How many elephants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Don’t be silly, elephants can’t change light bulbs!

Q: What do you know when you see three elephants walking down the street wearing red sweatshirts?
A: They’re all on the same team.

Q: How do you fit 5 elephants in a Volkswagen Beetle?
A: Two in the front, two in the back, and one in the glove compartment.

Q: What do you give a seasick elephant?
A: Lots of room.

Q: What do elephants do for laughs?
A: They tell people jokes.

Thought for the Week

“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas.  How he got into my pajamas, I’ll never know” ~ Groucho Marx

 

Friday Funny July 21, 2017 Tips for Staying Cool

Happy Friday!  We are definitely in the midst of summer.  The days are long and hot! Here a few tips you might want to try to help you beat the heat this weekend.

Enjoy!

Wear lighter color clothes, preferable made of cotton – try picking out your clothes before you go to bed and put them in the refrigerator over night.

If your feet are hot, your feel hot all over – so when you pick out your socks, put them in the freezer overnight.

While you are in the freezer, grab an ice tray and some food coloring and make some festive ice cubes.  In the morning when yo are pulling your socks out, make an ice-cube necklace or bracelet.  This is a great and cool way to accessorize your summer look.

Make a trip to the grocery store.  Most likely they are air-conditioned, so you can cool off as you shop.  If you are lucky you can find a fairly empty freezer in one of the aisles that will be empty enough for you to lie down in and take a quick, cool nap before management escorts you out of the store,

On your way out of the grocery be sure to pick up some frozen dinners.  It is too hot to cook.  If you like your food extra cool and crispy skip the over and the microwave and just eat the dinner frozen.  

Another item to pick up on your way out of the grocery is some dry ice.  This is perfect for a quick cool down for that hot cup of coffee.  As an added bonus, you drop just a little bit into your cup at work and it will look like steam rising from you coffee.  You can walk away from your office for hours and everyone who comes looking for you will think, “gee I just missed him/her because he/she just stepped away from a hot cup of coffee.”

Bring a sprinkler with you to the office.  It will cool everyone down and build camaraderie at the same time.  You might want to cover your computer with plastic first.

Remember as a kid how you loved a good water balloon fight to cool you down?  Take it the next level and leave the water balloons in the freezer overnight

Rent a Zamboni and get a nice layer of ice down on your driveway.  Slide, skate, just sit down on it or start-up a neighborhood hockey game.

Finally here is a great two-step process for a cool nights sleep.  First find that old water bed mattress that is gathering dust in the attic, then rent an Icee machine,  Fill the water-bed full of Icee and a cool, refreshing night awaits.

Thought for the Week

Then followed that beautiful season… Summer….
Filled was the air with a dreamy and magical light; and the landscape
Lay as if new created in all the freshness of childhood.
~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny July 14, 2017 Frightfully Busy

Happy Friday!  It is amazing how quickly another week rolls around.  It seems like each week is busier and passes quicker than the previous week.  Sometimes I feel like I am as ………

Enjoy!

I feel like I am as busy as…..

a one-armed paperhanger with a case of the hives.

a one-eyed cat watching nine rat holes.

a one-legged man on Dancing With The Stars.

a one-toothed man in a corn-on-the-cob eating contest.

a termite in a saw mill.

a one-armed trombone player.

a Kardashian with a new camera phone

a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs

a cross-eyed air traffic controller

a claustrophobic mime trapped in an imaginary box

a dentist at a candy convention

a Turkey farmer the week of Thanksgiving

a grocery store just before a snowstorm

a relief pitcher for the Cincinnati Reds

a Cleveland Browns quarterback under a full blitz

an elf on Christmas Eve

an accountant without a pencil

Thought for the Week

“I wanted to figure out why I was so busy, but I couldn’t find the time to do it.” 
― Todd Stocker

Friday Funny July 7, 2017 Pirate Jokes

Happy Friday!  I hope you had a great 4th of July.  This week it just seemed like a good time for some pirate jokes.

Enjoy!

Why did the pirate become such a good boxer?
He had a great right hook.

What do you call a pirate with two eyes, two hands and two legs?
A beginner.

How do pirates know that they are pirates?
They think so, therefore they arrr.

Why do pirates carry a bar of soap at all times?
In case of shipwreck it will wash him ashore.

How did the pirate get his Jolly Roger so cheaply?
He bought it on sail.

How much do pirates pay for piercings?
A buck-an-ear.

Why couldn’t the pirate play cards?                                                                                                  Because he was sitting on the deck.

What is a pirate’s favorite kind of cookie?
Ships Ahoy!

Where did the  one-legged pirate go for breakfast?
IHOP.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

To err is human.   To arr is definitely pirate.

Thought for the Week

One day, someone showed me a glass of water that was half full. And he said, “Is it half full or half empty?” So I drank the water. No more problem. ~Alexander Jodorowsky

http://www.quotegarden.com

 


 

Friday Funny June 30, 2017 Grilling Time

Happy Friday!  It is hard to believe that 2017 is at the halfway point and that today is the last day of June! The Fourth of July is just a few days away, so, let’s celebrate with thankful hearts the blessings and freedom that we enjoy each and every day. And be safe out there around the grill!

Enjoy!

This 4th of July is almost upon  us.  A great time to celebrate independence and to reflect on the history and purpose of this country.

For many the fourth of July also means family gatherings and picnics.  With family gatherings and picnics come grilled stuff like hamburgers and hot dogs and ribs and chicken. Mankind has enjoyed a good cookout ever since the day that man first discovered fire.  It is a little known fact that immediately upon discovering fire, some saber tooth  tiger meat was put on the fire and the consensus was that barbecue was a tremendous improvement over raw meat.  

Yet from ancient times to the present day, man has always had the challenge of getting the fire to just the right temperature for proper grilling. One of the great inventions to aid in this endeavor was the invention of charcoal.  The problem with charcoal is waiting for the coals to be hot and ready for cooking. Have you ever lit the grill and waited and waited and waited only to go back expecting nice red, hot coals yet find only cold, black coals because the coals just did not catch fire?

Over the years many great minds have worked on inventions and improvements to help us reduce that long period of waiting for the charcoal to get hot so that we can get down to the business of grilling.  We used to have to get the bag of charcoal and the can of lighter fluid out. You would arrange the coals, pour the lighter fluid, light the fire (trying not to scorch your eyebrows) and wait. Then you would add more lighter fluid, light the fire again (trying not to get engulfed in the fireball) and wait some more. Then came the charcoal with the lighter fluid in the coals where you light the coals and wait, then go find the can of lighter fluid, pour the lighter fluid, light the fire (trying not to scorch your eyebrows) and wait some more. Even better are the small bags that you simply put the bag in the grill, light the bag and wait, then go find the can of lighter fluid, pour the lighter fluid, light the fire (trying not to scorch your eyebrows) and wait some more. Many people have opted for gas grills for the ease of lighting and the quick warm-up time and to avoid having scorched eyebrows.

Now comes the next great leap grilling technology.  Engineers at Purdue University have made quantum leaps in the science of grill lighting. They have put their quantitative brains to work on how to speed up this process. The first thought was to blow on the charcoal with a hair dryer to speed things along. The next thought was that if a hair dryer was good, maybe a vacuum cleaner would be even better. Then as their “Tim the Toolman Taylor” thinking took over they moved onto a propane torch then an acetylene torch. Still not satisfied, they moved onto compressed oxygen and finally to liquid oxygen. Yes the stuff that is 295 degrees below zero and is the form of oxygen used as rocket fuel. This produces a 10,000 degree fireball that can have those coals ready for the burgers in a mere three seconds. So, if things are running a little late on the grill tomorrow, just grab a little liquid oxygen and you’ll be grilling in no time. Your eyebrows can always grow back later.

Happy Grilling!

What do you get if you cut two legs off a cow?…………….lean beef!

What do you get if you cut four things off a cow?…………ground beef!

Thought for the Week

You have to love a nation that celebrates its independence every July 4, not with a parade of guns, tanks, and soldiers who file by the White House in a show of strength and muscle, but with family picnics where kids throw Frisbees, the potato salad gets iffy, and the flies die from happiness. You may think you have overeaten, but it is patriotism. ~Erma Bombeck

http://www.quotegarden.com