Before there was Disney World, before there was Universal Studios, before there was Sea World, there was Gatorland.  I recently had the opportunity to visit Gatorland and found it more enjoyable than I expected, it turned out to be a memorable way to spend an afternoon.  One of the most impressive areas of the park was the breeding marsh, an area complete with boardwalk and observation tower meandering over a shallow lake while more than one hundred alligators swam or sunned almost within reach.  It was almost impossible to walk so close to so many of these creatures and not feel at least a twinge of terror once in a while.  The buzzards hanging around in the nearby trees did not do much to assail these feelings.

Yet, I realized that as long as I stayed on the boardwalk, I would be safe.  I was in no real danger of being attacked by these alligators unless I decided to dive into the marsh with them.  There was zero chance of that happening.  Yet, any fear of being devoured by an alligator would not be a rational fear.  A quick internet search revealed that the last death in the US attributed to an alligator occurred in 2007.

I would be much more likely to meet my demise at the hands, hooves, horns or teeth of many other creatures.  Every year in the United States horses and cows kill more than twenty people.  One hundred twenty deaths yearly are caused by deer, many through automobile accidents.  Domestic dogs kill over one hundred eighty people annually.  Of course, the odds of any of these animals killing me are obviously very slim.

The dangers in the world are not limited to the animal kingdom.  Believe it or not, vending machines kill thirteen people annually, bathtubs kill three hundred forty, falling out of bed kills four hundred fifty people, and volcanos kill more than eight hundred annually.  All of these things kill more people than alligators. Again, the odds of any of these things happening to me is about as likely as me winning the lottery which, by the way I have never purchased a ticket for,

Often though we fret and worry more about being eaten by an alligator or being bitten by spiders than about things that have a much higher probability of happening to us.  According to the CDC there are five things that perhaps I should be concerned with: heart disease, cancer, lung disease, stroke and unintentional injuries such as those on roads or caused by medication overdoses.  Together, these five conditions cause almost two-thirds of all deaths in the country.  So, perhaps I should not give those alligators a second thought and instead should pay attention to diet and exercise which really do have an impact on my health and wellbeing.

I believe it was Shakespeare that told us, “A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.” His point being that the name of something does not affect what it really is.  However, lately I have started to notice that some names are changing and that names have changed precisely because the “thing” has changed.

The other night I decided to have some ice cream which is not unusual in any sense of the word.  I like ice cream and I will admit I eat more ice cream than I should.  However this time as I reached into the freezer and pulled out the carton, something caught my eye.  The carton did not state this was “ice cream,” stated that this was “frozen dairy dessert.”

Believe it or not, the United States Department of Agriculture, Agricultural Marketing Service, Dairy Division has developed a definition of ice cream that has not changed since my freshman year of college.  Per the USDA definition, ice cream will “weigh not less than 4.5 punds to the gallon, and contain not less than 20 percent total milk solids, constituted of not less than 10 percent milk fat.”  If the product does not meet the USDA definition, it cannot be labeled as “ice cream.”  I also did a search for a USDA definition of “frozen dairy dessert” which did not produce any results.  So, I can say that what I was eating was not “ice cream”; however, I am not sure that I can say what it actually was.  I can tell you that it tasted different than “ice cream” and you can trust me as a former professional ice cream dipper (my first job). I know ice cream.

I have also noticed other instances where the “rose” is no longer a “rose.”  Recently I was making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich (no, not grilled, that is another story).  I had to open a new jar of jelly and when I pulled it out, I noticed that it stated it was grape “spread.”  Yes, the United States Department of Agriculture, Agricultural Marketing Service, Fruit and Vegetable Division, Processed Products Branch has produced United States Standards for Grades of Fruit Jelly which have been in effect since my junior year of college.  These standards are voluntary and detail 4 kinds of fruit jelly but is silent on what constitutes fruit “spread.”  So again, I know more about what I was not eating that what I was eating.

I recently went to KFC and noticed that to top off the biscuit that came with my meal I was given buttery spread and honey spread.  Again there are standards for butter (even margarine) and honey, but I did not find any government standards for buttery spread or honey spread.

A rose by another other name might continue to smell as sweet, but frozen dairy dessert does not takes as sweet as ice cream and grape spread does not taste the same as grape jelly.  It has been said that “you are what you eat.”  I guess I am heading into a bit of an identity crises.