Happy Friday! The end of October, means “Trick or Treat” for the kids and lots of horror movies on TV. You may have asked yourself, “what should I do if I ever find myself in a situation similar to what happens in a horror movie?” I am glad you asked and this week I want to pass on some useful advice I came across a few years ago. Read these carefully, the life you save may be your own!
1 – When it appears that you have killed the monster, Never, never, NEVER check to see if it really is dead.
2 – Never, never, NEVER read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
3 – Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.
4 – When you have the benefit of numbers, never, never, NEVER pair off or go alone. Smack the first person that says, “Let’s split up.”
5 – As a general rule, don’t solve puzzles that open portals to Hades. It’s just not that fun.
6 – Never, never, NEVER stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply to any other house of the dead as well.
7 – If you’re searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it’s just the cat, GET OUT OF THERE IMMEDIATELY!
8 – If appliances start operating by themselves, never, never, NEVER check for short circuits; just GET OUT.
9 – Never, never, NEVER take ANYTHING from the dead.
10 – If you find a town which looks deserted, there’s probably a good reason for it. DO NOT stop and look around.
11 – Never, never, NEVER fool with recombining DNA technology unless you are absolutely 100% positive you know what you are doing.
12 – If you’re running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are female (females will always, always, ALWAYS break a heel and need to run while carrying the shoe which will later be thrown at the monster). Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, somehow it will always be moving fast enough to catch up with you.
13 – If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination with blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so forth, just go ahead and kill them immediately.
14 – It is always advisable to stay away from certain geographical locations, such as places named Elm Street, Transylvania, anywhere in Texas where chain saws are sold, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
15 – If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, never, never, NEVER go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange you ran out of gas because you thought you had most of a tank, you are going to die and most likely be eaten.
16 – Take extreme caution around strangers bearing power tools: chain saws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, or electric carving knives.
17 – If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws. This also applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion.
18 – Dress appropriately. When investigating a noise downstairs in an old house (women should not wear a flimsy negligee). Carry a flashlight, not a candle. Make that two flashlights and a shotgun!
19 – Never, never, NEVER mention the names of demons around open flames, as these can flare suddenly. Be especially careful of fireplaces in this regard.
20 – Never, never, NEVER go looking for witches in the Maryland countryside.
Thought for the Week
Hold on, man. We don’t go anywhere with “scary,” “spooky,” “haunted,” or “forbidden” in the title. ~ Shaggy in Scooby-Doo