I will admit it.  In my younger days, I once went to see “Big Time Wrestling” at Hara Arena in Dayton, Ohio.  If I recall this was an unofficial outing with several guys from my church youth group as well as some friends and the youth minister.  It was back in the late 1970’s: before Hulk Hogan, before The Rock, before Steve Austin,  before Jesse Ventura, before John Cena, before  Roddy Piper, before Hacksaw Dugan (in the picture above).

Profession wrestling has a long and rather shady history from its beginning as a sideshow in traveling circuses and carnivals to today’s millionaire stars and bullion dollar industry.  But in the days before Ted Turner resurrected professional wrestling to new heights (more about that in a moment), it was not as polished, but the characters were even quirkier than they are today.  And one of the regular venues for Big Time Wrestling was Hara Arena which was home on alternating Monday evenings for the likes of the Sheik, Bobo Brazil, Wild Bill Curry and, my favorite Pampero Firpo.

I remember seeing The Sheik the night I went.  This wrestler was, allegedly –  very, very allegedly a rich and wild man from Syria.  His approach was to get his opponent in a hold and refuse to break it, thus forcing him into submission. When this did not work he used hidden objects to cut his opponent’s face.  Amazingly, he could always manage to pull these objects out and show the crowd when the referee was not looking.  The Sheik’s most dramatic “move” was to throw a fireball into his opponents’ face.  I believe The Sheik used this maneuver the evening I went and his opponent rolled off the canvas writhing in pain to be quickly placed n a stretcher no doubt to be whisked away for treatment or perhaps back stage for the rest of the performance.

Pampero Firpo was a recipient of The Shiek’s fireball from time to time.  He  was called “The Wild Bull of the Pampas.” Years before the “Macho Man” his catchphrase was “Oooohhh yeaaahh!” Word has it that after he retired from wrestling, he shaved his beard, trimmed his hair and took a job at a post office.  I think I have seen Mr. Firpo’s wild stare from time to time at the post office.

I never really followed wrestling but the characters of The Sheik and Pampero Firpo have always stuck with me.  During my college years, Ted Turner and his fairly new “super station” began to put professional wrestling back in the map.  I believe there was block of wrestling on every Saturday afternoon.  I remember  weekly discussion with my roommate my sophomore year about what we would watch.  (It had to be sophomore year because we did not have a television freshman year and the one we had sophomore year was a small black and white one).  My roommate would always vote for wrestling.  Me, being the intellectual, would always try to persuade him to watch “The Flintstones” instead.  I think my roommate usually won the discussion, but then it was his TV.

Wrestling caught the attention of my boys for a brief (thankfully) time.  One day when we were living in Western Kentucky, they heard that a real, live, professional wrestler was making an appearance at a local video store.  So they talked us into going to see James Edward Duggan, better known as “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan. His wrestling character was that of an American patriot, one who relishes in the “U-S-A” cheer, one with a battle cry of “Hooo!” and one who drives his point home in the ring with a 2×4 length of wood as a weapon.  What could be more American?

It turned out that Mr. Dugan was a very personable guy and related extremely well to his fans including my boys.  You can see everyone looks happy in the picture and I left very impressed with my moment with a real professional wrestler .  Plus I was thankful he did not have to use his 2×4 to make an impression on me.

It has been said that you are what you eat meaning that what we take into our bodies has an impact on our health and fitness.  The idea is that if we eat healthy foods we will be healthy and if we eat junk food we won’t feel so great.  

I think the same thing should be said about what we read.  The thoughts and ideas that we pick up from books and magazines have a tremendous impact on what we think, what we believe and how we act.  Now you may be thinking that I am saying this because I spent my childhood reading all those classics one is supposed to read as a child, you would be wrong. I spent my formative years reading about baseball.  Once I could talk my parents into having a magazine subscription, I rotated between Sports Illustrated, The Sporting News  and Baseball Digest.  I anxiously waited for the next issue to arrive and read each one cover to cover. These days I cannot say the same thing when an issue of Internal Auditor or The Journal of Accountancy arrives.

As a youngster I also read books about baseball and I still do.  However, I did manage to expand my horizons over the years and have read a few of the standard classics. Along the way I picked up an affinity for C.S. Lewis as well.  I recently noticed that the vast majority of books I own fall into four categories, not in order of importance:  baseball (of course), humor (some might doubt that I have ever read a book about humor), religion and business.  Not surprisingly, these are the area where I spend most of my time,  areas where I have developed some knowledge.  As I have read on these topics. I have not only learned, I have been shaped by what I read.

I have also noticed the books that belong to my wife.  Many of these fall into two categories.  The first category is cookbooks, I like these and the results that come from my wife using them.  I eat the cookies and cakes as can be evidenced by my ever-expanding waist line.  It is the second other major category that has me just a little concerned; these would murder mystery books.  There are the Sue Grafton books, “A” is for Alibi, “B” is for Burglar, “C” is for Corpse, etc.  There are the “Cat Who” books by Lilian Jackson Braun, “The Cat Who Blew the Whistle”. “The Cat Robbed a Bank” and so on.  There are some that just have cute titles like “No Use Dying Over Spilled Milk” or “Harry’s Last Tax Cut.”

I know that my wife likes to read and read a lot.  While I try to enjoy and savor a book she devours them like a kid with a bag of candy after Trick or Treat.  I know that I do not have to worry about her mind being shaped by all those murder plots buried back in the creases of her mind, right?  However if one day I meet my demise in some unusual way that sounds like a plot out of a murder mystery……….

Every once in a great while I come across a headline that causes me to stop everything and read the article.  This recently happened when I saw the following headline, “Gassy German Cows Blamed for Barn Explosion.”  Inquiring minds want to know, so I read the story.  It seems local German police say that 90 dairy cows were kept in a shed at a farm in Rasdorf.  Apparently the flatulence and belching of 90 cows in a confined space can produce a large quantity of methane gas.  Just add an errant static electric charge to this cow produced methane buildup and the result is “a detonation, a spurt of flame and a slightly damaged roof.”   No humans were hurt; however, one unfortunate cow suffered light burns.  Kind of provides a new meaning to the phrase, “Let’s Raise the Roof!”

For some unknown reason, I find cows rather amusing.  So I will follow that hard hitting news story with some of my favorite cow jokes.

Mad Cow?

One farmer was discussing things with a fellow farmer and mentioned that he recently had to shoot one of his cows?  “Was it mad?” asked the fellow farmer?  The first farmer replied, “Well, it wasn’t very happy about it.”

A Cowboy and a Cow

One day a very devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.

Three weeks later, a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn’t believe his eyes.

He took the precious book out of the cow’s mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, “It’s a miracle!”

“Not really,” said the cow. “Your name is written inside the cover.”

Ten Things I Learned About Life from a Cow

1. Begin each day in a happy moo-d.
2. Don’t forget to cow-nt your blessings every day.
3. Cherish each day because we are not on this earth for heifer.
4. Turn the udder cheek and moo-ve on.
5. Seize every opportunity and milk it for all its worth!
6. Don’t cry over spilled milk.
7. Honor thy fodder and thy mother and all your udder relatives.
8. Always let them know who’s the Bossy.
9. Black and white is always in style.
10. It is better to be seen then herd.

(The adorable children pictured above were my third grade classmates, a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away)

I recently came across a story about a music teacher in Florida.  It seems this particular teacher had reached her limit with her third grade charges not singing on key or perhaps they did not appreciate her efforts to add a little culture to their lives.  While there are many different ways to cope with stress and frustration, sometimes the key to success, or at least to keeping one’s job, is learning which responses are acceptable and which will land one in a lot of hot water.  In this case the response fell into the later category as her coping mechanism was to toss one of her shoes at one of her students.

Rather predictably, in today’s internet connected world, it did not take parents long to turn to social media seeking this teacher’s head.  The uproar led to the Interim Principal responding to parents with an email stating: “We are well aware of the incident that took place last week involving our music teacher… I want to inform you she is no longer a member of our faculty.”  Notice the response was from the Interim Principal because only a month earlier the Principal abruptly left. The story did not elaborate on the departure of the former principal nor did it mention if he or she had been known to throw things at students.

Not surprisingly, the teacher in question declined comment and school leaders declined to give details about what happened in the classroom or what caused the alleged shoe-throwing incident, but it was confirmed that no students were injured.  A story like this might led one to wonder what has become of education in this country.

However what really caused me to pay attention to this story is that it brought back a memory from my elementary school days.  I don’t recall exactly when this occurred but my guess is around third or fourth grade and it was, coincidentally, in music class.  It was a typical elementary school music class where we were singing the same few songs over again and again.  Songs that were pounded into our little brains for so long that after all these years I still remember the  words and the melody even though I have not heard these songs for decades.  Songs like “Born Free,” “If I Had a Hammer,” and “Windy.”

Perhaps the attention of the class was waning from singing these songs for months on end in preparation for some distant PTA meeting where we would perform for our parents.  On the day of this incident, the class had been proceeding as usual when one student made a remark or loudly whispered a word that one was not allowed to say in school.  I do not recall what the word was, but I knew that it was bad.  Today that word would probably not even raise an eyebrow from anyone and might even be included in the lyrics of the song being taught.  But this was a different time and that word, whatever it was, really struck a nerve with the teacher whose name I will not mention.  If I recall correctly, said Music Teacher almost literally flew across the room to where the offending student was seated.  She very excitedly explained to him that the word he used was not acceptable in school and then something happened that has been seared in my memory from that day.  She began to violently shake him as she proclaimed in a very loud voice, “I AM NOT A VIOLENT PERSON, BUT YOU BRING OUT THE VIOLENCE IN ME!”

I suppose it was fortunate for her that was way back then instead of today.  Then it probably scared all of us into not uttering any word, good or bad, for the rest of the week.  If this happened today, there would probably be cell phone video of it on the evening news and parents would be demanding her head just as they did to the teacher in Florida.

I am not saying that education does not need to be improved today.  I am not saying that education was perfect back then.  I guess what I am saying is that, then as now, a bunch of third graders, no matter how cute they might appear, have the capacity to bring out the violence in non-violent people and push any teacher to his or her limit which might just leave the class waiting for the other shoe to drop or fly as the case may be.

This has been a long cold, winter.  So, recently I was rummaging through the hope chest in search of a sweater.  I reached down toward the bottom and pulled out an old favorite.  There is a sense of comfort with an old sweater, it goes beyond the warmth of the material;  there is a familiarity, a sense of assurance that comes from a sweater that has been with you through both good and bad times.

I put the sweater on, glanced in the mirror and it occurred to me that this was not an old sweater in the sense that it has been around a few years.  No, this was a very old sweater in the sense that its best days were behind it and it had been decades since it was in style.  It had been in style once, unfortunately, that was when “The Cosby Show” was in its prime.  I’ve come across pictures of me wearing this sweater where I am surrounded by three small, happy boys.  The youngest of those small boys is now twenty-one years old.

It seems like clothes as much as anything make me feel old.  Some clothes make me feel old because I have had them long enough to wear them out, ties for example.  It never occurred to me that I could actually wear a tie out until one day I noticed the lining starting to show through the worn out threads on the edges of the tie.   Other clothes make me feel old because I see pictures of me from the past and the clothes I am wearing just look silly.  Bell bottoms, elephant legs and ironed on decal T-shirts fall into this category.

Old clothes can make me feel old and it is just not fair.   This old black sweater still fits, mostly and it still looks like it did when it was new, mostly.  On the other hand since the day this sweater was in style, my wrinkles have furrowed a bit, my hair has grayed a bit and my waist has thickened a bit.   As a final test, I asked my wife her opinion of this sweater.  She looked at me and said, “Looks a bit old and tired.”  I asked, “Me or the sweater?”  She said, “Uh-huh.”

I am not sure what I can do about looking old and tired, but looks like my favorite sweater is the latest candidate for the big spring garage sale.

Valentine’s Day is almost upon us.  Do you know what the best selling holiday
candy is?  If you said chocolate, you are wrong!  Necco - the same people who 
brought us thin, quarter-sized chalky wafers - produces about 100,000 pounds of
those little conversation Sweethearts, more than enough for everyone in the world to have one.  But who wants only one?  Enjoy a handful because a serving is 25 
hearts totaling about 100 calories devoid of any nutritional value. 

Did you ever read the listed ingredients for these little gems? Sweethearts are
made from: Sugar, Corn Syrup, Corn Starch, Gelatin, Modified Food Starch, Natural & Artificial Flavors, Gum Arabic, Xanthan Gum, FD&C Colors. Natural & Artificial
flavors??? What flavor??  Can someone honestly tell me there are different 
flavors? Am I supposed to believe that the various colors are different flavors?

Of course we don’t buy these for the flavors anyway; we buy them for all the
brief little sayings on them.  It is kind of like they were an early forerunner
of Twitter.  You may not have noticed, but they actually do make changes to the
sayings, phasing some out and adding new ones.  Some of the sayings that have beenretired over the years include “DIG ME,” “HOT CHA,” “SAUCY BOY,” “GIRL POWER,” “OHYOU KID,” “GROOVY,” “COOL DUDE,” “MY, SUCH EYES,”  “FAX ME,” “HEP CAT,” “1-800 CUPID,” “YEAH RIGHT,” “OH BOY,” “YOU ROCK,” and “LET'S READ.”  Let’s Read??

Some of the newer sayings include “UR HOT,” “TEXT ME,” “LOML” [that's: Love of My Life], “#LOVE,” "MELT MY HEART," "IN A FOG," "CHILL OUT," and "CLOUD NINE." 

As a public service, I will offer some suggestions for our friends at Necco to
consider in the future.  While these suggestions might make the “conversation”
more interesting, I will not hold my breath waiting for any of these to appear in the future: “SELFIE,” “OMAHA,” “TWERK,” “YRU STILL HERE,” “GO AWAY,” “1000X NO,” 
“GIVE UP,” “NOT NOW,” “NOT EVER”,” “HAPPY HAPPY,” “HASHTAG,” “WIN WIN,”
“FISCAL CLIFF,” “POLAR VORTEX,” “SEQUESTER,” “BUG OFF,” “CREEP,” “IT’S OVER,” “DO MY DISHES,” “SUB PRIME,”NO HOPE,” “LIKED MY PLAN,” “TAX DODGER,” AND “1040.”
 

It has been said that everyone talks about the weather but that no one can do anything about it and that certainly seems to be the case this year.  There is no doubt that this winter there has been plenty of weather to talk about and it looks like the coming week will bring even more fodder for discussion.

There is one element of this seemingly endless winter that many people are missing which I call a “generational winter.”  At least once every generation, we need a winter that will provide stories that will be told to future generations of children and grandchildren.

For me, the winter for stories was the winter of ’76-’77, my senior year of high school.  That winter in Dayton, Ohio over a thirty-day period from January 10 through February 8, the AVERAGE temperature was 10.6 degrees and the low point was a temperature of -21 and I do not recall anyone talking about what the wind chill was that winter.  I understand that “cold” is a relative term, but any way you look at it, -21 is cold!!  That was the winter that just some fifty miles south in Cincinnati, the Ohio River froze enough that people walked or drove on the ice to the not so sunny Kentucky shore.  

I know we missed some school that year, but I am pretty certain it was on days that there was a lot of snow, not just because of the cold temperatures.  In those days, the snorkel parkas were in vogue, so I would pull my snorkel out a foot in front of my face and as long as I was not facing the wind it was not too bad.  I remember getting in my car one night when the upholstery cracked when I sat down because the seats were brittle from the cold, the power steering was frozen up and the speedometer looked like a metronome gone wild.

It seems like these days, they close school whenever there is a dusting of snow or a chilly temperature.  It leads one to wonder if today’s kids are not as tough as we were.  I think it has to do with fashion and sense.  As I said, back in my day, when winter came around we pulled out the winter clothes and packed up the summer stuff.  Maybe if kids today did not wear shorts and soccer sandals year round, they could survive out at the bus stop for a few minutes when the thermometer approaches zero.

As cold as the winter of ’76 – ’77 was, many would tell you that the winter of ’77 – ’78 was even worse.  That was when southern Ohio had the only certifiable blizzard of my lifetime when in late January three storms dropped over three feet of snow.  The only story I have of that blizzard is getting pictures from family and friends in the mail (the picture above is one my Mom set me of our house).  For not only did I have enough sense to dress warmly in January of 1977, I had enough sense to apply to a college located in delightful DeLand, Florida (Go Stetson Hatters) where not a flake of snow was seen in 1978.  However that winter as I made my way across campus early one slightly chilly morning my roommate who was from south Florida paused as we chatted and exclaimed rather excitedly, “Look!  I can see my breath!  I’ve never seen my breath before!”  I guess “cold” really is a relative term.

So, take heart, winter will eventually loosen its grasp on us (baseball pitchers and catchers report for spring training in less than two weeks), the temperature will rise and the days will grow longer.  But you will be left with stories to tell.  However, the drama of these is waning too.  Our parents told us about walking uphill both ways to a school that had no heat.  I can tell stories about going to high school in cold temperatures with the heat set low due to the oil embargo/energy crises.  I guess today’s high school students will tell their kids about the times it was so cold that school was canceled and they had to put on long pants while they played video games all day.

Bundle up! It’s cold out there.

We all know what is supposed to happen next Sunday although the weather may have some say in the situation, the Big Game (like Valdemort only the fearless dare write the words “Super Bowl”).  I have  seen stories on the national network news  about who will sing the National Anthem; I have heard commercials for the morning shows talking about what the commercials will be during the game;  I have seen ads for how to make your Big Game party the best Big Game party ever.  It seems like everywhere you turn there is a Big Game Challenge.  Well here is my big game challenge – just don’t watch it.

Call me crazy, but let’s be ultra radical, counter cultural rebels this year and just ignore the whole thing.  Why?  Because this whole thing has gotten completely out of control.  This is a football game, albeit the big championship game, but it is still a football game.  Why do people watch this football game?  They watch it for the commercials and the half-time show!  People spend time, effort and money to host a party to watch commercials?  And you think I’m the crazy one here?

A number of years ago, I awoke on the Sunday of the Big Game, turned on the TV BEFORE going to church and the pregame show had already started.  The game would not be starting for several hours.  That day, a little light went on for me and I decided I would never watch another Super Bowl.  I will flip to the station a time or two or check the score on the internet, but I refuse to watch the game.  (I will make an exception if the Bengals ever make it back, but what are the odds of that happening?)

Think about it, this next week we will hear all the questions about the Big Game, some might even make sense; however someone will probably come up with a gem like the one that was asked Dallas running back Emmitt Smith prior to Super Bowl XXVII.  A brilliant journalist asked him, “What are you going to wear in the game Sunday?”

Some people watch the game for the commercials.  This Sunday advertisers will pay $4 million for a thirty second commercial, for Super Bowl I, that same amount of money would have bought fifty minutes of commercials.  If any of the commercials are good, I can always watch them on You Tube.

Some people watch it for the half-time show which is regarded as one of the most watched events in the country.  Early on, the halftime featured college and high school marching bands.  Over the years the halftime show has featured Al Hirt three times, Carol Channing twice, Up With People a record four times, Michael Jackson and wardrobe malfunction sister Janet, Diana Ross, Blues Brothers and who could forget 1989 when halftime featured, Elvis Presto an Elvis impersonator AND a magician!  In 2012 three million more people watched the halftime show than watched the game!  Maybe this is not a championship football game with a halftime show; maybe it is a fifteen minute show with half a football game before and after it?  Since the show is usually lip synched, maybe a great choice next year would be Milli Vanilli.

Come be a rebel and join me in my quixotic quest, we can change the world one television set at a time.

Today there is hope that we may finally get a definitive answer to this age old question. If you have heard of Fairborn, Ohio, it is most likely because of Wright Patterson Air Force base and the USAF Museum or perhaps you know it as the home of Wright State University.  However, these days, lurking behind the education and defense industries is a chicken problem.  It seems that one neighborhood in this city has been overrun by about 100 chickens and yes they are definitely crossing the road often with little or no regard for traffic laws.

Over the centuries many philosophers, poets, scientists, thinkers, writers and pundits have attempted to answer this question.  Aristotle observed, “It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.”  Voltaire declared that, “I may not agree with what the chicken crossing the road, but I will defend to the death its right to cross the road.”  Kant postulated “Chickens, being autonomous beings, chose to cross the road of their own free will.”  Shakespeare pondered, “To cross or not to cross, that is the question.”  Mark Twain reminded us that, “the news of the chicken crossing the road has been greatly exaggerated.”  Einstein wondered whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken.

More recently Dr. Seuss’ asked “Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I’ve not been told!”  The Mythbusters demonstrated that if you fire a frozen chicken out of a cannon; not only will it cross a road, but it will be a lethal projectile in the process.  Baseball great Pete Rose did not offer an answer to the question but claims that he never bet on whether or not a chicken crossed the road while Alex Rodriguez adamantly denies that chickens are crossing the road due to PEDs.

Some have tried to turn a profit on this question.  Microsoft is planning on releasing eChicken8 for Windows which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, organize your important documents and photos and connect you to all social media.

The folks in Fairborn are dealing with chickens crossing the road, chickens on their porches, chickens in their trees, chickens chasing their children and chickens making lots of noise.  But most of these folks are not crying fowl, they are sympathetic to the chickens because it is “not their fault.”  They just want the chickens to find good homes, but admit that they are hard to catch. 

Federal representatives from the Department of Agricultural as well as the F.B.I. have been dispatched to watch and observe this unique opportunity.  It is also rumored that representatives from Popeyes and KFC have also been seen in the neighborhood. 

One long-time resident reflected, “In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.”

When asked for comment, one local politician offered the following, “I’m sure, if we all just work together, that we can, as a people, help these chickens to cross this road. It’s time to end the cynical politics of the past that says chickens should stay on their side of the road. “

A scientific side note, it has been observed that there have been no prior reports of hundreds of chicken eggs in the area, so we can deduce without a doubt that indeed the chickens came before the eggs.