Friday Funny August 2, 2024 Olympic Jokes

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Happy Friday!  With the Olympics going on in Paris, seems like an appropriate time for some Olympic-themed jokes.

Enjoy!

I recently competed in the suntanning Olympics, I only got bronze.

I recently competed in the insomnia Olympics, you snooze, you lose.

I recently competed in seafood Olympics, I got the prawns medal.

If having low confidence and low self-esteem was an Olympic sport, I doubt I would get a medal.

My tryout for the Olympic diving team was a flop, but I made quite a splash with the judges.

Sadly, being a procrastinator prevented me going to the Olympics. For the Olympics one needs to be an amateurcrastinator.

If laziness was an Olympic sport, I would shoot for coming in fourth so I would not have to walk up to the podium.

Is it true that Olympic runners do not eat anything the day before they run because they fast?

Is it true that a gymnast’s favorite spice is somer-salts?

A gymnast walks into a bar, she received a two-point deduction and ruined her chance of a winning a medal.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“I Didn’t Set Out to Beat the World; I Just Set Out to Do My Absolute Best.”~ Al Oerter – four-time Olympic Champion in the discus throw

Friday Funny July 26, 2024 More Dog Days of Summer Jokes

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Happy Friday! We are approaching the end of July and heading into August.  I suppose you could say we are heading into the Dog Days of Summer.  So, why not some dog jokes this week?

Enjoy!

A friend told me that every day when he gets home, he asks his dog how his day was, and every day he always receives the same reply, “Ruff.”

I once bought a dog from a blacksmith, as soon as I got him home, he made a bolt for the door.

The other day, I thought I saw a white dog, but after I spotted it I noticed it looked more like a Dalmatian.

I took my dog to the lake to day and noticed he floats very well, he’s a good buoy!

Did you hear about the dog who was stealing shingles because he wanted to become a woofer?

I heard that the difference between a businessman and a warm dog is that the businessman wears a suit but the dog just pants.

I recently planted a pet tree, and it’s like having a pet dog except the bark is much quieter.

Did you know that Corgi are not funny because all of them are really short?

If you connect a Corgi to a battery, would you get a short circuit?

Would you call a large dog that meditates an aware wolf?

Doesn’t it seem odd that dogs always race to the door when the doorbell rings since it is almost never for them?

I have prepared a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: if you send me $19.95 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“The tales of summer are as endless as the heatwaves that ripple across the horizon.” ~ Renee Ahdieh

PODCAST ALERT!!

You can check out the latest episode of “Leonard Looks At Life” at this link: https://www.iheart.com/podcast/269-leonard-looks-at-life-126237165/episode/time-is-money-199043446/

Friday Funny July 19, 2024 Laws of Nature

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Happy Friday!  As you approach another weekend, I want to help you stay on the right side of the law.  So please not the unique laws below and behave accordingly.

Enjoy!

In Mississippi, it is illegal to give beer to an elephant.

In Florida, it is illegal to park to tie your elephant to a parking meter without paying the parking fee.

In San Francisco, it is illegal to take your elephant on a walk unless it is on a leash.

In Massachusetts, it is illegal to have a gorilla in the backseat of your car.

In Nevada, it is illegal to have a camel on the highway.

In Missouri, it is illegal to wrestle a bear.

In Arizona, it is illegal to let your donkey sleep in the bathtub.

In Alabama, it is illegal to blindfold your pets in the car.

In Idaho, it is illegal to allow your pet to smoke a cigar.

In Minnesota, it is illegal for a cat to chase a dog up a telephone pole.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“At his best, man is the noblest of all animals; separated from law and justice he is the worst.” ~ Aristotle

It has been a few weeks, but I have dropped a new podcast – you can find it at the following link.

https://www.buzzsprout.com/2234608/episodes/15420399-time-for-another-podcast

Friday Funny July 12, 2024 Posting a Few Social Media Jokes

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Happy Friday!  Seems like we are surrounded and perhaps assaulted by social media every day. So, we might as well laugh at it too.

Enjoy!

I decided not to follow my local fence company on social media, they do not have enough posts available.

The other night I was visiting the Facebook page of a famous cook.  I wanted to look at his thyme-line.

Did you know that the difference between a bench and a social media influencer is that a bench can support a family?

Did you hear about the social media marketer who broke up with her boyfriend?  It seems there was a lack of involvement.

Did you hear about the pastor who hired a digital marketing professional because he needed help raising his conversion rates?

Did you hear about the social media marketer who took up tap dancing because he was getting paid by the click?

Did you hear about the author who could not get his Facebook posts to go viral no matter how hard he tried?  It was “The Never-trending Story.”

Did you hear about the cat who was famous on Facebook?  It’s true, she was a real social meowdia expert.

I am very pragmatic when it comes to social media.  I believe that the ends justify the memes.

If Facebook had a “no one cares” button, would it be the most clicked option?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“There is never enough time to do everything, but there is always enough time to do the most important thing.” ~ Andrew Carnegie

Friday Funny July 5, 2024 A Few Old Jokes

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Happy Friday and Happy 4th of July Weekend!! Time keeps marching on and I keep getting older.  I cannot change that fact, but I can laugh about it.

Enjoy!

I have increased the amount of processed foods in my diet.  I figure at my age, I need all the preservatives I can get.

I recently took an aptitude test at work.  It appears that the work I am best suited for is retirement.

I must be getting old, the last time I went to my doctor, he gave me a referral to an archaeologist.

I do not think of myself as old, I am just chronologically gifted.

I recently saw an old magician, he performed geri-hat-tricks.

I am at that age where looking in the mirror is like watching the news. I am pretty sure there will be some new developments I won’t like.

They say with age comes wisdom. I am still waiting for the wisdom part to kick in.

The older I get, the better I was.

Why is it that everyone my age is older than me?

It seems like someone saying you are aging gracefully is just a nice way of saying you are slowly looking worse.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“I don’t let my age define me, but the side effects are getting harder to ignore.” ~Unknown

Friday Funny June 28, 2024 Political Quotes

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Happy Friday!  Seems like an appropriate time for some amusing quotes about politics.

Enjoy!

“A politician needs the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next week, next month, and next year. And to have the ability afterward to explain why it didn’t happen.” ~ Winston Churchill

“Since a politician never believes what he says, he is quite surprised to be taken at his word.”~ Charles de Gaulle

“Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy”. ~ Ernest Benn

“Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.”~ Oscar Ameringer

“We believe that to err is human. To blame it on someone else is politics.”~ Hubert H. Humphrey

“The more you observe politics, the more you’ve got to admit that each party is worse than the other.”~Will Rogers

“No one party can fool all of the people all of the time; that’s why we have two parties”.~ Bob Hope

“We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.” ~– Aesop

“Under every stone lurks a politician.”~– Aristophanes

“Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.” ~ Will Rogers

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Things are more like they are now, than they ever were before.”~ Dwight D. Eisenhower

Friday Funny June 21, 2024 It Is So Hot!

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Happy Friday!  Summer is here and it is hot, hot, hot!  How hot is it?  I am glad you asked.

Enjoy!

It’s so hot, even my artificial flowers are wilting.

It’s so hot, my Iceberg lettuce melted.

It’s so hot, Alexa asked to be dipped in a glass of ice water.

It’s so hot, I put in a DVD of Frozen and but it played Waterworld.

It’s so hot, that you can tell who has had plastic surgery.

It’s so hot, my crayons are now watercolors.

It’s so hot, Optimus Prime transformed into an air conditioner.

It’s so hot, that all the water buffalo at the zoo evaporated.

It’s so hot, the catfish are already fried when you catch them.

It’s so hot, I saw a funeral procession pull through a Dairy Queen.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“It ain’t the heat, it’s the humility. “ ~ Yogi Berra

Friday Funny June 13, 2024 Cicada Jokes

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Happy Friday!  I read where a good portion of the Midwest is dealing with 17-year cicadas.  We had them in Ohio a few years ago so we feel, or should I say hear, your pain!  Here are some cicada jokes to kick off your weekend.

Enjoy!

Is it true that cicadas are boring conversationalists because they don’t stop buzzing about what was cool 17 years ago?

I saw a cicada last night. The poor guy was just a hollow shell of his former self.

I heard that a cicada chef is opening a new restaurant, it’s called “Emergence-y Dining.”

Did you know that cicadas have very odd beliefs? It is true, they are all in sects.

Is it true that a cicada’s favorite game to play is ‘Hide and exoseek’?

I heard that cicadas get off the subway at the infest-station.

If life is just a game, then cicadas are not bugs, they are features.

Did you hear about the cicada who was lonely because he had no buggy to hang out with?

Is it true that the cicada called off work because she had a bug?

People who confuse etymology and entomology bug me in a way I can’t put into words.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“We don’t stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing.” ~ George Bernard Shaw

Friday Funny May 31, 2024 A Full Serving of Jokes

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Happy Friday!  We have come to the end of May and the days are longer and warmer.  Summer is a great time for dining out, so here is a full serving of restaurant jokes.

I went to a restaurant called: “Revenge is a Dish Best Served Cold.”  The menu was just desserts.

I went to a restaurant called: “Mary Poppin’s.”  I had super cauliflower cheese but the lobster was atrocious.

I went to this new pop-up restaurant called “Karma Chameleon.” It comes and goes.

I went to all-you-can-eat Italian restaurant, it was called “Endless Pastabilities.”

I went to a chicken themed comedy restaurant, the food was great, but the yolks were terrible.

I went to a restaurant recently and the hostess greeted me and asked, “Do you mind waiting a bit? I said “no.” “Good,” she said, “Take these appetizers to table seven.”

A few weeks ago, I was eating out and the restaurant owner offered me a free calamari appetizer if I gave him a good review on Yelp. It was squid pro quo.

Did you hear about the large restaurant chain that had a lot of trouble trying to open a new data center? It seems they can’t get enough servers.

I was at a seafood restaurant and there was an awful fight.  Several fish got battered.

The other day, I called a restaurant to make a reservation for a table for two. The person who answered the phone said that I had the wrong number, so I asked for a table for four instead.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“It is the duty of the human understanding to understand that there are things which it cannot understand.” ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Friday Funny May 24, 2024 Summertime Jokes

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Happy Friday!

This is Memorial Day weekend, a time set aside for honoring and mourning the U.S. military personnel who died while serving in the military. It is a bit more poignant this year as it comes less than two weeks from the 80th anniversary of D-Day.

I hope you have a nice weekend and I will kick it off with some summer-time jokes.

Enjoy!

I heard that reading while you sunbathe can make you well red.

Looks like I will not be traveling very far this summer.  I have a rash and my dermatologist told me to apply the medication locally.

I told my suitcases that there would be no summer vacation.  Now I’m dealing with emotional baggage.

My last trip the airline lost my luggage, I tried to sue them, but unfortunately, lost my case.

I applied for a summer job with a company that makes sunscreen.  I was rejected but I think I will reapply.

Did you hear about the ice cream truck that broke down because of the rocky road?

Did you hear about the Canadian who was able to put out a fire while vacationing in Mexico? She had the help of a hose eh.

Would you call a Frenchman in sandals Phillipe Phloppe?

What do bees say to each other in summer? “It’s swarm, isn’t it?”

My wife insisted that we go to Stockholm in vacation. At first I didn’t want to go, but now, I don’t want to leave.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Well, everybody’s heart needs a holiday, sometime

And everyone of us needs to get away, somehow

So I’m laughing lighthearted moods, oh, the sight-seeing afternoons

And tellin’ a joke or two ’cause everyday invites you

To find your place in the sun.” ~ Pablo Cruise – “A Place in the Sun”

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It has been a few weeks since I have added a podcast episode. The latest episode looks at the most difficult and the most memorable tests I have had to take. You can find it at the link below.