Yearly Archives: 2014

PIMENTO CHEESE

PIMENTO CHEESE

I am not usually a picky eater, I try to be open to new and different foods. There are even a few odd things that I do eat like the occasional grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich. As they say, “Don’t knock it until you try it.” (This is not peanut butter and jelly on toast – when I say grilled, I mean  “grilled” peanut and butter sandwich where you make the sandwich, butter the bread and grill it in a pan on the stove.) I do have a word of caution –  If you give it a try, do be careful the contents may be hot and a bit messy as well, but it is worth a little mess.

Yet, there is at least one food that I do not like – I do not like it here or there, I do not like it anywhere and that is a pimento cheese sandwich. It has taken me the better part of fifty years to communicate this little piece of information to my Mother, but I think I finally have it firmly established. I am not really certain why I do not like pimento cheese; in fact I am not really certain what a pimento is. So, I conducted an exhaustive and lengthy two-minute search on the Internet and I discovered that a pimento is actually a pepper!

The pimento is a large, red, heart-shaped chili pepper that grows to be 3-4 inches long and 2-3 inches wide. They say that the flesh of the pimento is “sweet, succulent and more aromatic” than that of the red bell pepper. Now tell me, have you ever seen a whole pimento pepper? Do you know anyone who ate a whole pimento pepper? If these peppers are so succulent why are there only two know uses for them in the civilized world: 1) sticking them in the middle of a green olive and 2) adding them to a ton of sharp cheddar cheese, a half ton of mayonnaise, a little salt and a little pepper to make pimento cheese spread which, obviously is a lot more cheese and mayonnaise than pimento. It is a little known fact that because they cut these peppers up so small, the entire world-wide crop of pimento peppers is grown on less than a ½ acre in the backyard of a guy in Mississippi.

I hear that Pimento cheese is very popular in the South and, oddly enough, in the Philippines as well. I usually like Southern comfort foods and I have deep southern roots, I have lived in the south and the “deep south”, but I have never acquired a taste for pimento cheese. I acquired a taste for black-eyed peas, grits, even okra, but not pimento cheese.

I am told that you can’t find pimento cheese in Boston, maybe I will take a trip up there and introduce them to grilled peanut butter and jelly.

Friday July 4, 2014 Happy Fourth!

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IN CONGRESS, July 4, 1776.

The unanimous Declaration of the thirteen united States of America,

When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.–That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, –That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security.–Such has been the patient sufferance of these Colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Government. The history of the present King of Great Britain is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.

He has refused his Assent to Laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good. He has forbidden his Governors to pass Laws of immediate and pressing importance, unless suspended in their operation till his Assent should be obtained; and when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to attend to them. He has refused to pass other Laws for the accommodation of large districts of people, unless those people would relinquish the right of Representation in the Legislature, a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only. He has called together legislative bodies at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their public Records, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his measures. He has dissolved Representative Houses repeatedly, for opposing with manly firmness his invasions on the rights of the people. He has refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to cause others to be elected; whereby the Legislative powers, incapable of Annihilation, have returned to the People at large for their exercise; the State remaining in the mean time exposed to all the dangers of invasion from without, and convulsions within. He has endeavoured to prevent the population of these States; for that purpose obstructing the Laws for Naturalization of Foreigners; refusing to pass others to encourage their migrations hither, and raising the conditions of new Appropriations of Lands. He has obstructed the Administration of Justice, by refusing his Assent to Laws for establishing Judiciary powers.

He has made Judges dependent on his Will alone, for the tenure of their offices, and the amount and payment of their salaries. He has erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Officers to harrass our people, and eat out their substance. He has kept among us, in times of peace, Standing Armies without the Consent of our legislatures. He has affected to render the Military independent of and superior to the Civil power. He has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution, and unacknowledged by our laws; giving his Assent to their Acts of pretended Legislation: For Quartering large bodies of armed troops among us: For protecting them, by a mock Trial, from punishment for any Murders which they should commit on the Inhabitants of these States: For cutting off our Trade with all parts of the world: For imposing Taxes on us without our Consent: For depriving us in many cases, of the benefits of Trial by Jury: For transporting us beyond Seas to be tried for pretended offences For abolishing the free System of English Laws in a neighbouring Province, establishing therein an Arbitrary government, and enlarging its Boundaries so as to render it at once an example and fit instrument for introducing the same absolute rule into these Colonies: For taking away our Charters, abolishing our most valuable Laws, and altering fundamentally the Forms of our Governments: For suspending our own Legislatures, and declaring themselves invested with power to legislate for us in all cases whatsoever. He has abdicated Government here, by declaring us out of his Protection and waging War against us. He has plundered our seas, ravaged our Coasts, burnt our towns, and destroyed the lives of our people. He is at this time transporting large Armies of foreign Mercenaries to compleat the works of death, desolation and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of Cruelty & perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the Head of a civilized nation. He has constrained our fellow Citizens taken Captive on the high Seas to bear Arms against their Country, to become the executioners of their friends and Brethren, or to fall themselves by their Hands. He has excited domestic insurrections amongst us, and has endeavoured to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless Indian Savages, whose known rule of warfare, is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and conditions.

In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A Prince whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people.

Nor have We been wanting in attentions to our Brittish brethren. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations, which, would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of mankind, Enemies in War, in Peace Friends.

We, therefore, the Representatives of the united States of America, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of these Colonies, solemnly publish and declare, That these United Colonies are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent States; that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the British Crown, and that all political connection between them and the State of Great Britain, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent States, they have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent States may of right do. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor.

Danger on the Roads

Cone

I know that with a ling holiday weekend just around the corner that many will be taking to the roads.  So, I wanted to take just a minute of your time to warn you of a little noticed and little understood danger that is lurking on the roadways all across our great nation.  This is something that you have encountered numerous times on your drive to work or school or shopping, perhaps even today without ever giving it a second thought.  It is a silent, stalking creature that moves slowly, almost imperceptibly along our road ways claiming everything that gets in its way.  I am speaking of the ravenous creature know as araungicus barilis or more commonly called “orange barrels.”  In the infant stage, this creature stands about two feet high and is cone shaped; as it matures it begins to reach a height of about feet and begins to round out so that it resembles a large orange barrel. 

These creatures often travel in large herds, usually in a single line formation that can stretch for miles.  The adult barrels are usually seen in the middle of the herd with the cone-like children at the front and the back.  Scientists believe that these creatures are migratory, going south in the winter and making their way north again as the weather warms.  They appear to have a rather voracious appetite for asphalt leaving mile upon mile of road torn up and unusable.  Once they have found a good place to graze, they seem to stay for months, barely moving as they silently feed only to disappear when the cold weather arrives.  While these creatures appear harmless and almost stationary, they can be frightening when they attack, as evidenced by the almost universal presence of idle machinery along their path.  We can only assume that they have either eaten, attacked or frightened off the workers who had used these machines in a vain attempt to protect the roads from the destructive force of this silent menace.    Although they appear almost motionless while feeding, once they have consumed all the pavement in one area, they have the ability to travel quickly to another area where they can appear overnight to begin destroying another stretch of road.  

So be careful while you are out on the roads this Fourth or July weeekend.  Those little cones and barrels along the road may appear still and harmless, but don’t let them fool you or you just might be their next victim.  Drive safely!

Friday Funny June 27, 2014 A Sad Bunny Tale with a Hoppy Ending

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A woman was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. She quickly swerved in an effort to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped right in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive lady as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the unfortunate rabbit.

Much to her dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful she began to
cry.

Another woman driving down the highway saw the first woman crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the lady what was wrong.

“I feel terrible,” she explained. “I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it,” she sobbed.

The second woman told the first woman not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out an aerosol spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Suddenly and miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road.

Fifty yards away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, then it hopped down the road another fifty yards, turned, waved, and hopped another fifty yards.

The first woman was astonished. She couldn’t understand what substance could be in the woman’s spray can that could have such an impact. She ran over to the second woman and asked, “What was in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?”

The second woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said:

” ‘Hare Spray’ Restores Life to Dead Hare…Adds Permanent Wave.”

Thought for the Week

I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals. ~Winston Churchill

 

Not Quite So Rough

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My grandfather was born in the 1890’s, he served in World War I, and he could tell stories of living on the farm with no electricity, no plumbing, no cars. My father was born in the early 1920’s, he served in World War II, and he could tell stories of living on the farm, no electricity, no plumbing, no cars. They could also tell fantastic stories of living in the farmhouse – of how the rain sounded when it would hit the tin roof in the summer and of waking up with frost on their noses and snow on their bed in the winter. They could tell stories of the depression and it’s aftermath;  of the sacrifices needed to win two world wars.

I was born at end of the 1950’s and I am not sure what stories I have to tell my grandchildren about how hard it was when I was growing up.  I guess I could mention that I did actually walk to school from kindergarten through eighth grade, but it was only across the street.  So what can I say? “Let me tell you about life growing up in the 1960’s. We only had one television and it was black and white plus we only had three stations to choose from and get this young fella – when we wanted to change the station – why we had to get up off the couch and walk all the way across the room and actually turn a knob on the TV!  And we didn’t have no fancy microwave ovens – we had to actually turn on the stove if you wanted to cook something. In summer, when it was hot, we opened a window and maybe plugged in a fan to help cool down. I went to schools that didn’t have air conditioning and when we did math all we had to use was pencil and paper.”

Yet, as bad as I have it in the life was not so rough department, what stories will my children have to tell their grandchildren? “Why I remember back at the end of the twentieth century, 3-D TV had not even been invented, that was even before HDTV, our TV only had 150 TV stations and we didn’t even have a TiVo in every room. I can remember when we had to use something called “dial up” to get on the internet, we had to use a phone LINE.  You probably won’t believe this, but there was an actual line that went right into your house in order to use the phone. Why I can even remember Super Nintendo and Playstation 1 and sometimes we had to play on a screen that was less that thirty-six inches across! Cell phones?  I didn’t even get my own phone until I was sixteen!  Yes, we had it rough, if we wanted to listen to music we had to use something called a Compact Disc, where the music was actually put onto a little disc and you had to carry the disc around and put it in a player to listen to it, you see way back in the last millennium, there were no digital downloads, yep we had it rough.”

Don’t you envy our parents and grandparents? They had it easy when it came to telling stories about having it rough.

Friday Funny June 20, 2014 T-Shirt Philosophy

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Happy Friday!  Here are some tidbits of wisdom to get your weekend off to a quick start.

Enjoy!

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I’m not cheap, but I am on special this week!

I once had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Mental backup in progress – Do Not Disturb!

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

When everything’s coming your way, you’re probably in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don’t have film. (In my case, nothing ever develops!)

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor. 

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Corduroy pillows: They’re making headlines!

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

I would play more golf, but I always have trouble getting by the windmill.

I had a blind date once, but her dog wouldn’t get in the car.

I was engaged to a girl with a wooden leg, but I got mad and broke it off.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Thought for the Week

Only Robinson Crusoe had everything done by Friday. ~Author Unknown

We All Scream for Ice Cream!

 

Shearer

The official start of summer is only a few days away.  The warmer and longer have many looking to cool off with a couple of dips of ice cream. (Hot or cold, I am always ready for some ice cream!)  For much of my childhood I pretty much stuck with the basics of vanilla, chocolate and strawberry.  You might be surprised to know that with all the various and sundry flavors out there, vanilla, chocolate and strawberry still account for approximately 70% of ice cream sales .

However, when I was in high school my eyes, or should I say my taste buds, were opened to the almost limitless combinations that can be made with the various flavors and toppings that can be found at an ice cream parlor.  My horizons were widened when I began working at Sherer’s Ice Cream in Dayton, Ohio. (When it comes to dipping ice cream at my house, I still take the scoop and say, “Stand back, I’m a professional, let me handle this.” I soon learned the joy of flavors like root beer float, peppermint, strawberry cheesecake, eggnog, pumpkin, coffee and most of the other 36 flavors that were available.

Around that same time Baskin Robbins came out with a couple of seasonal flavors I really liked, baseball nut and banana bunt – maybe I just liked them for the baseball references. Baseball Nut was vanilla ice cream swirled with a black raspberry ribbon and crunchy cashews. Banana Bunt was a banana flavor with peanuts if I recall correctly.

However, even I had to draw the line somewhere and I drew it at rum raisin and fruit salad, two of Mr. Sherer less favorite concoctions.  Yet, even these sound “normal” compared to some that have made the rounds in recent years. So, if you want to get your licks on the wild side, here are a few flavors you can find right here in the good ‘ole USA.

• French Toast-with bits of French toast and maple, the breakfast of champions?
• Buttered Popcorn – a flavor with butter pecan and caramel popcorn – perfect for movie night.
• Strawberry Basil – what compels one to put herbs in ice cream?
• Firehouse 31- think Atomic Fireball ice cream.
• Creole Cream Cheese- a cream-cheese-like base and a spicy kick.
• Coconut Jalapeno – coconut with a big kick.
• Licorice – black ice cream, only slightly creepy.
• Garlic – only at the Gilroy Garlic Festival in Gilroy, California, wonder if it keeps the vampires away?
• Maple Bacon Sundae – you can thank Denny’s for this one.
• Breakfast in Bed – a vanilla ice cream base with pasteurized egg yolks, real maple syrup and bacon! Just don’t drip on your pillow.
• Lobster Ice Cream from Ben & Bill’s Chocolate Emporium in Bar Harbor, a butter ice cream-based treat with fresh (again buttered) lobster folded into each bite. I wonder if it makes a sound if you boil it?
• Pear With Blue Cheese, a well-balanced mix of sweet Oregon Trail Bartlett Pears mixed with crumbles of Rogue Creamery’s Crater Lake Blue Cheese. Seems like everything is a little strange on the West Coast.
• “Real” Eskimo ice cream or Akutag as the locals would call it. It is overflowing with enough fresh berries for your sweet tooth; however, its base is actually animal fat (reindeer, caribou, possibly even whale). My guess is that you will have a hard time finding a low calorie version of this one.

Friday Funny June 13, 2014 – The Elephant in the Room

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I bet you have been thinking to yourself that it has been awhile since you heard some good elephant jokes.  Well, here they are.

Enjoy!

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the bill?  Look! Here come the elephants over the hill!”

So, what did Tarzan say when he say the elephants coming over the hill wearing dark glasses?  Nothing! He did not recognize them.

How can you tell an elephant from a grape?  The grape is purple.

What is it that looks like an elephant and flies?  A flying elephant!

What is it that looks like an elephant, flies, and is extremely dangerous?  A flying elephant with a machine gun.

What does a bald elephant wear for a toupee?  A sheep.

How can you tell if an elephant has been in your refrigerator?  By the footprints in the jello.

Why did the elephant paint his toenails different colors?  So, he could hide in the bowl of M&M’s.

What is red and white on the outside and gray and white on the inside?  Campbell’s Cream of Elephant Soup

How do you make an elephant float?  An elephant, some root beer and two scoops of ice cream!

What’s gray and goes round and round? An elephant in a washing machine! 

What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 3,000 miles!

What grey, has a wand, huge wings and gives money to elephants? The tusk fairy!

What’s the difference between an elephant and a piece of paper? You can’t make a paper airplane out of an elephant!

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. ~Anne Lamott
http://www.quotegarden.com

 

Hosed

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I have a very strong dislike for garden hoses.  That may sound odd to you, you may very likely perceive garden hoses as being rather innocuous.    Who ever heard of a garden hose causing a real problem? – you might think.  Yet to me, garden hoses present an endless source of frustration.  l am sure you have noticed that a garden hose stretched out across the yard has a striking resemblance to a snake, I believe there is a reason for that.

The purpose of a garden hose is simple and straightforward, it is “supposed” to convey water from one place to another, from the house to the plants that need to be watered, to the car that needs to be washed, to the child who wants to play in its spray. 

The plan is obvious enough: attach one end to the spigot and to the other end attach a nozzle or a sprinkler of some sort and enjoy an uninterrupted supply of water.  

Well here is what happens when I use a garden hose.  First I attach one end to the spigot, then I attach the other end to a nozzle then I turn the water faucet on.  Next I wait for the water to come out of the hose, then I wait some more and then after I wait a while longer a small trickle of water comes out.  So, I unroll the hose from the reel.  Unfortunately this is not as easy as it sounds for invariably, the hose is knotted and twisted inside the hose reel.  This is one of the great mysteries of life because it is never knotted when I reel the hose in; however, somehow it is ALWAYS knotted and kinked when I reel the hose out.  So I pull and pull and pull some more, then I knock the hose reel over and kick it a time or two for good measure and eventually the hose is out.  The water trickle becomes a little stronger but there is still something amiss.  My next step is to undo all the places where the hose has twisted and folded over on itself restricting the water flow, even though I have the reinforced garden hose that has a lifetime guarantee to never twist or fold over on itself.  Once the hose has finally been straightened out, the water flows freely.  Of course now I notice that the majority of the water is gushing out all around the nozzle because the washer that I replaced the last time I used the hose has become cracked and dried and is no longer providing a very good seal.  I turn off the water, put on a dry shirt, replace the washers at both ends of the hose, turn the water on and, finally, everything works fine.  However, in the time it has taken me to have a fully functioning garden hose with an adequate flow of water, the clouds have darkened and a thunderstorm has rolled in.  By the time I get the hose reeled in, the skies have opened up, the rain has come, and I am once again soaked to the bone.

Which only serves to remind me once again that I have a very strong dislike for garden hoses!

 

 

 

 

Friday Funny June 6, 2014 – A Sad and Sordid Tale

 

lwff

There was once a very troubled young man named Clint who never seemed to be able to catch a break. It seemed as if one setback only served to lead to another setback. Years of frustration and failure had left him broke, unhappy and desperate. His desperate situation led him to a desperate plan. He knew that his wife had a large insurance policy for which he was the sole beneficiary, so he decided that the only way out of his current circumstances was to arrange to have her killed.

Clint had a “friend of a friend” put him in touch with a shadowy and nefarious underworld figure who was known only by the fictitious name of “Artie.” Clint arranged a meeting with Artie in a dark and dreary alley. Artie explained to the Clint that his going price for “taking care of his problem” was $50,000, in small, unmarked bills. Clint said he was willing to pay that amount but nervously explained that he did not have that much money and that he would not have it until after the “problem” was taken care of and he had received the insurance payment.

Artie was not very pleased to hear this and insisted on being paid something up front. Clint took out his billfold and sheepishly displayed the solitary one dollar bill that resided in the well-worn wallet. Artie muttered under his breath, sighed heavily, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the service to be rendered.

Artie began to keep tabs on Clint’s wife and a few days later, he followed her as she made a trip to the local grocery store. Once inside, he surprised her in the produce department, overpowered her and strangled her with his gloved hands.

As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor the unfortunate manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene. Artie was unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, so he had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

Unbeknownst to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the store’s hidden camera and observed by the store’s security guard, who immediately called the police.

Before he could even leave the store, Artie was apprehended. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the diabolical plan, including his financial arrangements with hapless Clint.

And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared:

ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT KROGER

Thought for the week

“Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.” ~Abraham Lincoln