Author Archives: Leonard

They Say You Cannot Change Stupid

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I recently came across an article about a theft of some pretty valuable collectible coins that took place in North Palm Beach, Florida.  It seems that a 20-year-old man from Riviera Beach stole coins and other items from a North Palm Beach office in December.  While he initially got away with his misdeed, he was caught, arrested and charged with grand theft along with unrelated drug charges.  So, we can probably surmise that this young man was probably not counted among the best and the brightest.

However, what really sets this guy apart is what he did with his ill-gotten gain.  The coins he had in his possession were worth $33,000.  The arrest report stated that he sold some coins for a few thousand dollars, that seems like a logical thing to do.  However, the remaining coins, he ran through change machines at local grocery stores!  Of course, he did not receive thousands of dollars from the change machine.

The future does not look very bright for this young man.  He may never learn the value of an honest day’s work or the value of a dollar, especially if the dollar is in the form of a collectible coin.

 

Friday Funny March 15, 2019 Happy St. Patrick’s Day

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Happy Friday!  You know spring is on the way when you see St. Patrick’s Day on the calendar!  So, I dug deep into the internet to find a few St. Paddy jokes just for you.

Enjoy!

Would you call a leprechaun’s vacation home a lepre-condo?

Would you call a vanishing leprechaun a lepre-gone?

Would you call an Irish criminal with a serious skin disease a leper con?

Do you know that an Irishman is having a good time when he is Dublin over with laughter?

Do leprechauns make good secretaries because they are good at shorthand?

Did the leprechaun beat the Irishman to the pot of gold by taking a shortcut?

Did St. Patrick drive all the snakes out of Ireland because he could not afford air fare?

Is a leprechaun’s favorite food to barbecue short ribs?

Are leprechaun’s hard to get along with because they are short-tempered?

In Ireland would you call Cubic Zirconia a sham rock?

Thought for the Week

“I’m not going to wear green on St. Patrick’s Day,  today, but I do plan on wearing blue pants and a yellow shirt, so pretty much the same thing.”

 

This Is Your Brain On Jellyfish

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There is a commercial that I see from time to time for a dietary supplement that states that it will help with “mild memory loss associated with aging.”  The commercial touts that the product has an ingredient that was originally found in jellyfish.   This statement caught my attention and made me wonder if jellyfish are smart and if they are supposed to have good memories.

I stumbled upon an article Hakai Magazine published in July 2015 titled “The Secret Social Lives of Jellyfish” that poses the age-old question of “Do helmet jellyfish play follow-the-leader?”  The article quotes a marine biologist by the name of Stein Kaartvedt who states that jelly fish are not very smart.  He notes that they have “no brain to process information.”  This leads me to wonder how something from jellyfish who have no brain would help someone’s brain function.

A little more searching revealed that this key ingredient is apoaequorin.  This was discovered when a group of researchers near Seattle, Washington noticed glowing jellyfish and decided to study them to find out what caused them to glow. The group developed an extraction process and eventually discovered that the cause of the glowing jellyfish was a specific ingredient, apoaequorin. Experiments, according to the website of the company that markets this product, helped determine that apoaequorin could play a useful role in supporting brain health. Notice “could play” is the wording used.  The website also contains an asterisk that “These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease.” 

I also came across a story that the FDA has also claimed that the key ingredient, apoaequorin, a synthetic protein, is not an acceptable ingredient in a dietary supplement and that the FTC is also pursuing a lawsuit against the company regarding its promotion of this product.

So, when I asked myself what the connection was between jellyfish and memory, the apparent answer is that there is not much of one.  I might consider the product if I want to start glowing at night.  As for improving my memory as I get older, forget about it.

Friday Funny March 8, 2019 Springing Forward

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Happy Friday! Despite the cold temperatures and the snowy forecast, this weekend is the time to spring forward!  It also seemed like a good time to clean out the joke closet and dust off a few spring jokes.

Enjoy!

Does daylight saving time in Seattle mean an extra hour of rain?

If you are on a trampoline is it Spring-time?

Does the flower business really start to bloom this time of year?

Do monkeys fall from the sky during Ape-ril showers!?

Would you call a girl with a frog on her head Lily?

Are frogs happy because they get to eat whatever bugs them?

Are bees only allowed to fly in the rain if they are wearing little yellow jackets?

Would you say that bees are happy because they hum while they work?

If you plant kisses will you grow tulips?

Would you say that crossing a four-leaf clover and poison ivy would cause a rash of good
luck?

Was the mother worm upset with her little worm because she could not find him and did not know where in earth he was?

Thought for the Week

“Despite the forecast, live like it’s Spring.”~ Lilly Pulitzer

Murdoc Syndrome

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I wanted to take just a moment to draw your attention to a condition that appears to plague a number of successful television shows, let’s call it Murdoc Syndrome. 

Murdoc was a recurring character in the original MacGyver series and has been reprised in the new series as well.  He was a hit man who was the most frequent antagonist of the main character in the original series.  The  typical sequence of events when Murdoc appeared (he was in nine episodes of the original series, but it seemed like he was in every other episode that I watched) was that MacGyver was surprised to see him because MacGyver was sure he had killed Murdoc the last time they tangled, then Murdoc would trap/capture MacGyver, Murdoc would develop an elaborate plot/mechanism to kill MacGyver, MacGyver would use duct tape and match sticks to foil the plan at the last second then turn the tables on Murdoc and be certain that Murdoc was really dead this time,,,,until he showed up again two episodes later.

To my simple mind it appeared that occasionally, the writers of the show would hit a wall, run out of ideas then someone would pipe up with, “Hey, let’s bring Murdoc back for another episode!”  It also appears that this idea was heartily agreed to every time it was mentioned.

So, what is Murdoc Syndrome?  It is the tendency to revert to the same story line/same characters again and again.  Television shows that catch my attention and appear interesting during the first season seem especially prone to it. 

“Once Upon A Time” was interesting the first season.  However Murdoc Syndrome appeared as each season finale seemed to end with a kind of reset to the beginning of the story, a new villain (who apparently was required to be a Disney movie character), was introduced then rinse and repeat. 

“The Flash” was interesting for a season or two as he learned to cope with his super speed and use it to battle a series of unique bad guys.  But, alas they slipped into Murdoc Syndrome ending one season by introducing the villain du jour of the season then spending the entire season figuring out how to defeat  him.  The last part of the finale would show that whatever they did to fix this season messed something up that caused the appearance of the next villain du jour for the upcoming season, rinse and repeat.

I stumbled upon “I Zombie” while traveling for work and found the concept of a zombie who works for the coroner and has flashbacks of the people who come through the coroner’s office whose brains she eats rather intriguing and watched that show for a while.  Again the show succumbed to Murdoc Syndrome as the plot degenerated into a weekly struggle between the good zombie in the coroner’s office and the bad zombie, rinse and repeat.

I understand that it would be a lot easier to write a Murdoc episode; the character is already established (you even have the actor already pegged), you know the essentials of the story line and you already have a pretty good idea of how it will end.  I am sure it is easier, I am also sure it is not as interesting.  If I wanted to watch a Murdoc episode again, I would just record it and keep watching it.  If all I was wanted was rinse and repeat, I would go wash my hair.

 

Friday Funny March 1, 2019 Coming In Like a Lion or a Lamb?

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Happy Friday and Happy March!  Congratulations for surviving another February.  We know that Spring is on the way.  They say that March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb or does it come in like a lamb and go out like a lion?  Either way it seems like a good time for some lion and lamb jokes.

Enjoy!

Is it true that lions do not like to play cards in the jungle because there are so many cheetahs?

Is it true that to move a canoe upstream a lion will use roars?

Is it true that you can stop a lion watching a video by pressing paws?

Is it true that you can make a square with four lions?

Is it true that the favorite state for lions is Maine?

Is it true that business sheep read The Wool Street Journal every day?

Is it true that most young female lambs want to be baa-lerinas when they grow up?

Is it true that polite sheep hold the barn door open for ladies and say, “after ewe”?

Is it true that on holiday cruises sheep like to go to The Baaaa-hamas?

Is it true that the maniacal sheep had a desire to wool the world?

Thought for the Week

February is merely as long as is needed to pass the time until March. ~J.R. Stockton

http://www.quotegarden.com

On My Way To Making My First Million On Ebay

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I have finally started my long-anticipated journey to becoming an eBay millionaire!  I have put a good deal of thought into this.  I have read some books, I have studied the site.  

There is a ton of great stuff just taking up space around my house, cluttering up my basement and clogging up my garage.  Since I have so much great stuff, I might as well share it with the world at large and make a ton of money in the process right?  I have toys that my kids had.  I have toys that I had.  There are baseball cards and Yu-gi-oh cards.  There are GI Joes and Ghostbusters.  There are Beanie Babies and Pogs.  There are Hot Wheels, Matchbox and Johnny Lightening cars.   I also have a ton of books in my house (which might actually weigh close to a ton) and when I get through all those, I can list the gold-edge George and Martha Washington plates my Mom keeps telling me to take off her hands! It is a real gold mine right at my finger tips! A veritable treasure trove!

So, I listed a few baseball cards and waited for the offers to come rolling in.  A week later I was still waiting.  I put up a few more and waited another week.  Third try is a charm, right?  I put up a few more and CHA-CHING, Finally had a bid!!  After a week and a flurry of bids (well, there was more than one bid), I had my first sale for a whopping $5.75.  Which after packing, postage and the eBay fee left me with a profit of $1.53. (I might have to sue myself for my $0.25/hour wage I am earning.)

Not to be discouraged, at that price if I only need to sell 654,000 cards to make my first  eBay million!  The down side is that, at this rate, it will take me over 4,000 years to move that many cards.  Perhaps the pace will pick up a bit!= and I can reach that goal is less than half that time!

Friday Funny February 22, 2019 You Know You Are Getting Old

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Happy Friday!  I just went to one of those free dinner retirement planning meetings.  (Yes, I went solely for the free dinner.)  But it did get me thinking that retirement is a lot closer than it used to be, so I must begetting older even if I do not recognize some of the signs……

Enjoy!

You know you are getting old when you’ve been there and done that, but don’t remember what that was.

You know you are getting old when there is nothing left to learn the hard way.

You know you are getting old when the twinkle in your eye is only the reflection of the sun on your bifocals.

You know you are getting old when work starts to be fun, and fun starts to be work.

You know you are getting old when people tell you how good you look.

You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

You know you are getting old when you tell people you are retro.

You know you are getting old when you sing along with your favorite songs in an elevator.

You know you are getting old when you start lying about your children’s ages.

You know you are getting old when you spot that first gray hair…on your child.

You know you are getting old when your joints are more accurate predicting the weather than the local meteorologists.

You know you are getting old when your back goes out more than you do.

You know you are getting old when you walk into an antique store and they want to keep you.

You know you are getting old when your memory is in black and white 

You know you are getting old when you can remember when Paul McCartney was dead,

You know you are getting old when you can remember when Mr. Clean had hair. 

You know you are getting old when you can remember when Burger King was just a prince.

You know you are getting old when you can remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.

Thought for the Week

I admit that I am an old man. I read my years in my mirror, others read them on my brow. ~Francesco Petrarca (Petrarch), letter, c.1366–1367, translated by Morris Bishop, 1966

http://www.quotegarden.com

 

Driving Like Mario

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One of the most common daily experiences we face is also one of the most frustrating tasks we face, that of driving.  While we all claim to be excellent drivers, by definition, half of us have to be below average drivers, right?  Almost every day, I figuratively run into several drivers who “impress” me with how below average their driving skills are.  At the risk of sounding like an old codger, many of these tend to be younger than I and I think I know the reason for the decline in driving abilities.  I blame Mario.

Back in my day, if you thought about driving and Mario, you would have been thinking about Mario Andretti, the race car driver who is one of only two drivers to have won races in Formula One, IndyCar, World Sportscar Championship and NASCAR. While Mr. Andretti may have driven fast, he knew how to drive.

These days, I think too many people have learned to drive like Mario, the Plumber.  Before they could drive, they spent years driving in video games where they could drive off-road, throw bombs at other cars and use a rocket boost for extra burst of speed and they appear to attempt to use these tactics out on the interstate.

Be safe out there and remember that your drive to work is NOT in Battle-mode.

 

 

 

Friday Funny February 15, 2019 Conversation Hearts

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Happy Friday! Valentine’s Day is past and now you can concentrate on finding just the President’s Day gift!  But before Valentine’s Day fades to a memory, I wanted to think about Conversation Hearts.

Enjoy!

I would imagine that you are familiar with those little, chalky conversation hearts made by Necco – the same people who brought us thin, quarter-sized chalky wafers.  Did you even notice that they were nowhere to be found this Valentine’s Day?  Necco had a rough year in 2018, abruptly shutting down in July after an investment firm bought it in a bankruptcy auction. It was purchased by Spangler Candy Co. at the end of the third quarter but that was too late to get the little candy hears back in the conversation for Valentine’s Day 2019.  Perhaps they will be back for 2020.

Did you know that a serving is 25 hearts and that equates to 100 calories that are pretty much void of any nutritional value?   The ingredients are: Sugar, Corn Syrup, Corn Starch, Gelatin, Modified Food Starch, Natural & Artificial Flavors, Gum Arabic, Xanthan Gum, FD&C Colors.  Natural & Artificial flavors? – imagine that – they are actually supposed to have flavor!

They would make changes to the sayings each year to reflect trends in culture.  So, being the helpful person that I am, I thought I would offer some suggestions for the 2020 hearts that will help them get these back on the store shelves as soon as possible.

Recipe for Disaster

Snowflake

UR Subprime

YRU Still Here

# Go Away

1000x No

#1 Hater

Woot Woot

Evil Clown

Shoo

# Not Ever

Big Twitter Fan

#1 Loser

#No Way

I Googled U

#1 Troll

Epic Fail!

U R Elitist

No Swag

#1 Bae

Selfie

Meh

Chillax

Not Legit

Thought for the Week

“Valentine’s Day is a day to reflect on love – on love lost, love gained and love long remembered.”