Category Archives: Humor

Friday Funny March 1, 2019 Coming In Like a Lion or a Lamb?

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Happy Friday and Happy March!  Congratulations for surviving another February.  We know that Spring is on the way.  They say that March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb or does it come in like a lamb and go out like a lion?  Either way it seems like a good time for some lion and lamb jokes.

Enjoy!

Is it true that lions do not like to play cards in the jungle because there are so many cheetahs?

Is it true that to move a canoe upstream a lion will use roars?

Is it true that you can stop a lion watching a video by pressing paws?

Is it true that you can make a square with four lions?

Is it true that the favorite state for lions is Maine?

Is it true that business sheep read The Wool Street Journal every day?

Is it true that most young female lambs want to be baa-lerinas when they grow up?

Is it true that polite sheep hold the barn door open for ladies and say, “after ewe”?

Is it true that on holiday cruises sheep like to go to The Baaaa-hamas?

Is it true that the maniacal sheep had a desire to wool the world?

Thought for the Week

February is merely as long as is needed to pass the time until March. ~J.R. Stockton

http://www.quotegarden.com

On My Way To Making My First Million On Ebay

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I have finally started my long-anticipated journey to becoming an eBay millionaire!  I have put a good deal of thought into this.  I have read some books, I have studied the site.  

There is a ton of great stuff just taking up space around my house, cluttering up my basement and clogging up my garage.  Since I have so much great stuff, I might as well share it with the world at large and make a ton of money in the process right?  I have toys that my kids had.  I have toys that I had.  There are baseball cards and Yu-gi-oh cards.  There are GI Joes and Ghostbusters.  There are Beanie Babies and Pogs.  There are Hot Wheels, Matchbox and Johnny Lightening cars.   I also have a ton of books in my house (which might actually weigh close to a ton) and when I get through all those, I can list the gold-edge George and Martha Washington plates my Mom keeps telling me to take off her hands! It is a real gold mine right at my finger tips! A veritable treasure trove!

So, I listed a few baseball cards and waited for the offers to come rolling in.  A week later I was still waiting.  I put up a few more and waited another week.  Third try is a charm, right?  I put up a few more and CHA-CHING, Finally had a bid!!  After a week and a flurry of bids (well, there was more than one bid), I had my first sale for a whopping $5.75.  Which after packing, postage and the eBay fee left me with a profit of $1.53. (I might have to sue myself for my $0.25/hour wage I am earning.)

Not to be discouraged, at that price if I only need to sell 654,000 cards to make my first  eBay million!  The down side is that, at this rate, it will take me over 4,000 years to move that many cards.  Perhaps the pace will pick up a bit!= and I can reach that goal is less than half that time!

Friday Funny February 22, 2019 You Know You Are Getting Old

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Happy Friday!  I just went to one of those free dinner retirement planning meetings.  (Yes, I went solely for the free dinner.)  But it did get me thinking that retirement is a lot closer than it used to be, so I must begetting older even if I do not recognize some of the signs……

Enjoy!

You know you are getting old when you’ve been there and done that, but don’t remember what that was.

You know you are getting old when there is nothing left to learn the hard way.

You know you are getting old when the twinkle in your eye is only the reflection of the sun on your bifocals.

You know you are getting old when work starts to be fun, and fun starts to be work.

You know you are getting old when people tell you how good you look.

You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

You know you are getting old when you tell people you are retro.

You know you are getting old when you sing along with your favorite songs in an elevator.

You know you are getting old when you start lying about your children’s ages.

You know you are getting old when you spot that first gray hair…on your child.

You know you are getting old when your joints are more accurate predicting the weather than the local meteorologists.

You know you are getting old when your back goes out more than you do.

You know you are getting old when you walk into an antique store and they want to keep you.

You know you are getting old when your memory is in black and white 

You know you are getting old when you can remember when Paul McCartney was dead,

You know you are getting old when you can remember when Mr. Clean had hair. 

You know you are getting old when you can remember when Burger King was just a prince.

You know you are getting old when you can remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.

Thought for the Week

I admit that I am an old man. I read my years in my mirror, others read them on my brow. ~Francesco Petrarca (Petrarch), letter, c.1366–1367, translated by Morris Bishop, 1966

http://www.quotegarden.com

 

Driving Like Mario

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One of the most common daily experiences we face is also one of the most frustrating tasks we face, that of driving.  While we all claim to be excellent drivers, by definition, half of us have to be below average drivers, right?  Almost every day, I figuratively run into several drivers who “impress” me with how below average their driving skills are.  At the risk of sounding like an old codger, many of these tend to be younger than I and I think I know the reason for the decline in driving abilities.  I blame Mario.

Back in my day, if you thought about driving and Mario, you would have been thinking about Mario Andretti, the race car driver who is one of only two drivers to have won races in Formula One, IndyCar, World Sportscar Championship and NASCAR. While Mr. Andretti may have driven fast, he knew how to drive.

These days, I think too many people have learned to drive like Mario, the Plumber.  Before they could drive, they spent years driving in video games where they could drive off-road, throw bombs at other cars and use a rocket boost for extra burst of speed and they appear to attempt to use these tactics out on the interstate.

Be safe out there and remember that your drive to work is NOT in Battle-mode.

 

 

 

Friday Funny February 15, 2019 Conversation Hearts

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Happy Friday! Valentine’s Day is past and now you can concentrate on finding just the President’s Day gift!  But before Valentine’s Day fades to a memory, I wanted to think about Conversation Hearts.

Enjoy!

I would imagine that you are familiar with those little, chalky conversation hearts made by Necco – the same people who brought us thin, quarter-sized chalky wafers.  Did you even notice that they were nowhere to be found this Valentine’s Day?  Necco had a rough year in 2018, abruptly shutting down in July after an investment firm bought it in a bankruptcy auction. It was purchased by Spangler Candy Co. at the end of the third quarter but that was too late to get the little candy hears back in the conversation for Valentine’s Day 2019.  Perhaps they will be back for 2020.

Did you know that a serving is 25 hearts and that equates to 100 calories that are pretty much void of any nutritional value?   The ingredients are: Sugar, Corn Syrup, Corn Starch, Gelatin, Modified Food Starch, Natural & Artificial Flavors, Gum Arabic, Xanthan Gum, FD&C Colors.  Natural & Artificial flavors? – imagine that – they are actually supposed to have flavor!

They would make changes to the sayings each year to reflect trends in culture.  So, being the helpful person that I am, I thought I would offer some suggestions for the 2020 hearts that will help them get these back on the store shelves as soon as possible.

Recipe for Disaster

Snowflake

UR Subprime

YRU Still Here

# Go Away

1000x No

#1 Hater

Woot Woot

Evil Clown

Shoo

# Not Ever

Big Twitter Fan

#1 Loser

#No Way

I Googled U

#1 Troll

Epic Fail!

U R Elitist

No Swag

#1 Bae

Selfie

Meh

Chillax

Not Legit

Thought for the Week

“Valentine’s Day is a day to reflect on love – on love lost, love gained and love long remembered.” 

 

Friday Funny February 8, 2019 Lines Not Found on Valentine’s Day Cards

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Happy Friday!  You have survived Groundhog’s Day and now it is time to get ready for Valentine’s Day!  If you are having trouble finding that card that is just right, I am here to help!  I have put together a few short verses below that I am pretty sure you will not find on a card down at the local Hallmark store, so feel free to do a little cut and past to make a unique card for that special someone in your life.

Enjoy!

Some Things You Might Not Find on a Valentine’s Day Card

Cupid has struck
With a bow from his quiver
And with my bad luck                                                                                                                                    It hit my liver

When I see you, my hands start to shake
Like when I’ve eaten bad shake ‘n bake
My heart beats fast like never before
Then I faint and hit the floor

Roses are red,                                                                                                                                                Violets are blue,                                                                                                                                            I guess wherever you are,                                                                                                                        It is Valentine’s Day too.

Fountains mingle with the rivers                                                                                                              And the rivers with the ocean                                                                                                 Valentine cards tend to be clever                                                                                                       But this one lacks emotion.

This valentine poem is a reminder
not only of how much you are treasured                                                                                        But also, that not all poems rhyme

A Few Quick Valentine Jokes

For Valentines Day think about your current and past relationships, then organize the data on a chart using an Ex-Axis and a Why-Axis.

They say that grocery store flowers on Valentine’s Day shows someone you care slightly more than not at all.

What did the paper clip say to the magnet? I find you very attractive.

What did the boy cat say to the girl cat on Valentine’s Day? You’re purrr-fect for me!

Thought for the Week

Loving is not just looking at each other, it’s looking in the same direction. ~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, Wind, Sand, and Stars, 1939

http://www.quotegarden.com

Have We Seen the Future?

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I recently came across a story about a self-driving car  hitting and “killing” a humanoid robot.  If you have not see the shocking video – it can be found at this link:  https://www.techworm.net/2019/01/self-driving-tesla-autonomous-robot-ces.html

I wondered it this was a glimpse into our future.  Is the future where the “internet of things” is taking us?  Will it be a bleak, dystopian future where we are all plugged into the matrix to provide power for the machines that have rebelled and taken over?  Will self-driving cars turn out to be even worse drivers than humans?  Will we waste a good portion of our lives in virtual traffic jabs jams trying to get to our virtual jobs where we develop throbbing fingers from incessantly pushing a button like George Jetson?  These are questions that just cannot be answered in the present.

Decades before “The Matrix” portrayed us as simply batteries for the machines, Rod Serling also gave us a glimpse to the future of the relationship between man and machine on an episode of The Twilight Zone which aired in 1960.  In “A Thing About Machines”  Bartlett Finchley is a man who hates machines and lets them know it.  By the end of the episode even his electric razor is out for revenge on him and slithers down the stairs snake-like coming after him.

Who knows what the future holds?  I would suggest that you be nice to your machines today and hopefully they will be nice to you tomorrow.  I think I will file this blog under  ‘M’ for Machines – in the Twilight Zone.

Friday Funny February 1, 2019 Happy Groundhog Day!

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Happy Friday!  Happy Super Bowl Weekend! and Happy Groundhog Day!  I hope you are staying warm in these days of the Polar Vortex!  Maybe we will get some good news from our friendly neighborhood groundhog this weekend!

Enjoy!

Tomorrow is Groundhog Day which has got to be one of the stranger days that we “observe.”  At various locations from New York to Colorado people will gather before the sun comes up to determine whether or not a rodent will see his shadow and somehow this translates into how much more winter we will have.  This “holiday” has been around for a couple of hundred years and supposedly has its origins in ancient European weather lore where instead of a large ground squirrel, the weather was predicted by a badger or a bear.  

There will be at least 25 Groundhog Day celebrations featuring 25 different groundhogs this weekend.  Some of these groundhogs will not see their shadows and thus predict an early spring.  However other groundhogs will see their shadow and predict six more weeks of winter.  Now I will not be going to Punxsutawney, PA to see Punxsutawney Phil or even to Marion, OH to see Buckeye Chuck, I will stay warm under the covers of my bed Saturday morning.  I just looked at the calendar and noticed that it is about seven weeks until spring.

Yet groundhogs are not the only folks venturing out this weekend, here are a few that you might miss.

If Tom Brady sees his shadow does that mean he will play six more seasons?

If a US Senator sees his shadow does that means six more years of spending.?

If Brenda Snipes sees her shadow does that means six more weeks of counting votes in Broward County?

If Mark Zuckerburg sees his shadow will he also see your shadow as well?

If Cincinnati Bengals Owner Mike Brown sees his shadow does that mean it will be six more weeks before the Bengals name a Head Coach?

If Cincinnati Reds Manager David Bell sees his shadow does that mean it is eight weeks until Opening Day?

Will New Orleans Saints Receiver Tommylee Lewis see his shadow or the shadow of a  Rams Defensive Back?

If Kim Kardashian sees her shadow would I care?

Thought for the Week

The groundhog is like most other prophets; it delivers its prediction and then disappears. ~ Bill Vaughan http://www.brainyquote.com

 

My Big Game Challenge 2019

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We are smack dab in the middle of the hype for the Big Game (like Valdemort only the fearless dare write the words “Super Bowl”).  I have  seen stories on the national network news  about who will sing the National Anthem; I have heard commercials for the morning shows talking about what the commercials will be during the game;  I have seen ads for how to make your Big Game party the best Big Game party ever.  It seems like everywhere you turn there is a Big Game Challenge.  Well here is my big game challenge – just say no – don’t watch it.

Call me crazy, but let’s be ultra radical, counter cultural rebels this year and just ignore the whole thing.  Let me say that I was ahead of my time on this one.  It has nothing to do with politics, I stopped watching the Super Bowl years ago.  Why?  Because this whole thing has gotten completely out of control.  This is a football game, albeit a very big championship game, but it is still a football game.  And why do people gather to watch this particular football game? Apparently  they spend a lot of money on food and invite people over to watch commercials and a half-time show that would make Milli Vanilli look good!  People spend time, effort and money to host a party to watch commercials?  And you think I’m the crazy one here??

A number of years ago, I awoke on the Sunday of the Big Game, turned on the TV BEFORE going to church and the pregame show had already started.  The game would not be starting for more than twelve hours.  That day, a little light went on for me and I decided I would never watch another Super Bowl.  I will flip to the station a time or two or check the score on the internet, but I refuse to watch the game.  (I will make an exception if the Bengals ever make it back, but hey what are the odds of that ever happening?)

Think about it, this week we will hear all the questions about the Big Game, some might even make sense; however someone will probably come up with a gem like the one that was asked Dallas running back Emmitt Smith prior to Super Bowl XXVII.  A brilliant journalist asked him, “What are you going to wear in the game Sunday?”

Admittedly many people watch the game for the commercials.  This Sunday advertisers will pay over $5 million for a thirty-second commercial.  For Super Bowl I, that same amount of money would have bought most of the time that the game aired. If any of the commercials are good, I can always watch them on You Tube.

Some people watch it for the half-time show which is supposedly one of the most watched events in the country.  Early on, the halftime featured college and high school marching bands.  Over the years the halftime show has featured Al Hirt three times, Carol Channing twice, Up With People a record four times, Michael Jackson and wardrobe malfunction sister Janet, Diana Ross, Blues Brothers and who could forget 1989 when halftime featured, Elvis Presto an Elvis impersonator AND a magician!  In 2012 three million more people watched the halftime show than watched the game!  Maybe this is not a championship football game with a halftime show; maybe it is a fifteen minute show with half a football game before and after it?  

Just for fun – here is the Up With People halftime show from Super Bowl XVI which the Bengals actually played in.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pxK3qTsj_eE

Come be a rebel and join me in my quixotic quest, we can change the world one television set at a time.

Friday Funny January 18, 2018 A Touching Story About Doilies

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Happy Friday!  This week I wanted to share a very touching story about doilies.

Enjoy!

An older couple who had been married for fifty years decided that it was time to downsize as they approached retirement. As they were packing things up, the husband came across a shoe-box back in the corner of a shelf in the closet.  When he opened it, he was surprised to find two 2 doilies and three large bundles of twenty-dollar bills.  He took the shoe-box to his wife and asked her if she knew about the box.

She gave him a sheepish smile and told him about some advice she had received from her Mother before they had gotten married.  She said that her Mother had told that she should crochet a doily every time that she got mad at her husband instead of getting into an argument.

The husband was quite touched thinking about all the good and bad times they had shared over the last fifty years and that his lovely wife had only been mad twice.

“What about the three bundles of twenty-dollar bills?” he asked.  “Oh that,” she replied, “is  the money I made from selling the doilies.”

Thought for the Week

Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats. ~Voltaire   http://www.quotegarden.com