Share a Dissappointment

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Unless you have been living under a rock, I am sure you are aware of the “share a Coke” campaign that has first names on bottles of Coke.  My first thought was, “that’s neat.” Immediately followed by a second thought, “bet Leonard is not one of the names that can be found on a bottle.”

I was named after my Grandfather which is kind of neat.  The name is derived from the Germanic elements levon “lion” and hard “brave, hardy”, so it means “brave lion” which is kind of cool.  However, having the name Leonard is neither neat or cool.  I remember as a kid on vacation looking at Stuckey’s in vain for a Sheriff’s badge with Leonard in the center.  I remember looking in souvenir shops  in Daytona Beach for a bicycle Florida “license plate” with Leonard on it to no avail.  I remember looking for a key chain with Leonard on it only to be disappointed time after time after time.  I have a coffee cup I purchased in Gatlinburg with Len on it which is close, but that is not my name.

I briefly tried using Len once as a young adult.  After introducing myself with a “hi, I’m Len” and hearing the response, “Good to meet you Glen,” I quickly gave up and resigned myself to my not-so-common name.  To my recollection, throughout my elementary and high school years, there was only one other Leonard in my school.  He was a year behind me and went by Lenny.  Growing up there was Leonard Nimoy, so having the same name as Spock was kind of neat. Then along came “Laverne and Shirley” who introduced Lenny and Squiggy to the world which was probably why I never liked that show.  More recently, “The Big Bang Theory” has given us the character of the somewhat cool and somewhat nerdy Leonard Hofstadter.  Yet, in one episode, he laments that he does not like his name because it has “nerd” in it.

That is OK, I can live with it.  Yet, every once in a while something pops up like this Coke campaign that reminds me that I will always be stuck with a not-so-popular, not-so-cool name.  I looked at the Coke website and although I will never go into a store and find my name on a Coke can or bottle, I could special order one.  Fortunately, I am not that vain and will be fine being refreshed with a can of Coke that has “Joe” or “Bill” or “Ann” on it.  In fact it just occurred to me that what it really means is that I am just not an “off the rack” kind of guy.  I, Leonard, really am a unique, special order, kind of guy and I can live with that.  Thanks Grandpa.

Friday Funny August 21, 2015 Mindset of the Class of 2019

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It appears many of the colleges in my corner of the world are having “move-in” days for freshman this week and are gearing up to start classes next week.  Each year, about this time, Beloit College publishes their “Mindset List” noting events that have shaped the incoming freshman class.  This week I thought I would share some of the items from this year’s list that caught my attention and reminds me that I am getting old!  If you want to see the whole list go to http://www.beloit.edu/mindset/

Most students heading into their first year of college this year were born in 1997. 

Among those who have never been alive in their lifetimes are Princess Diana, Jacques Cousteau, and Mother Teresa.

When they were born, cell phone usage was so expensive that families only used their large phones, usually in cars, for emergencies.

They have never licked a postage stamp.

Email has become the new “formal” communication, while texts and tweets remain enclaves for the casual.

Google has always been there, in its founding words, “to organize the world’s information and make it universally accessible.” 

They have grown up treating Wi-Fi as an entitlement.  

Their parents have gone from encouraging them to use the Internet to begging them to get off it.

The Airport in Washington, D.C., has always been Reagan National Airport.       

They have avidly joined Harry Potter, Ron, and Hermione as they built their reading skills through all seven volumes.

The Atlanta Braves have always played at Turner Field.

“Crosstown Classic” and the “Battle of the Bay” have always been among the most popular interleague rivalries in Major League Baseball.

The eyes of Texas have never looked upon The Houston Oilers.

TV has always been in such high definition that they could see the pores of actors and the grimaces of quarterbacks. 

In a world of DNA testing, the Tomb of the Unknowns at Arlington has never included a Vietnam War veteran “known only to God.”

The Lion King has always been on Broadway.

Splenda has always been a sweet option in the U.S.

Mr. Jones and Mr. Smith have always been Men in Black, not their next-door neighbors.

The proud parents recorded their first steps on camcorders, mounted on their shoulders like bazookas.

Copyright© 2015 Beloit College

Thought for the Week

“If the college you visit has a bookstore filled with t-shirts rather than books, find another college.” ― R. Albert Mohler Jr.

The Chicken Crossed the Road So It Could Try Out Its New Leg!

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We have all heard the age-old question, “Why did the chicken cross the road?”  Here is a reason you may not have heard before: to try out its new prosthetic leg.  

I came across a Reuters story published earlier this month about a three-month old chicken in Massachusetts who hatched out of her egg with a torn tendon that limits her mobility.  The solution – a $2,500 prosthetic limb made on a 3-D printer.  Yes, that really did say a $2,500 prosthetic limb made on a 3-D printer which is, not all that surprisingly,  a first-of-its-kind procedure.

When the chicken’s owner took the young chicken to the veterinarian,  the options were a prosthetic or euthanasia. In a phone interview, the own stated, “It was a no-brainer, she needs to be able to live a normal life.”  Given those options, I might have been tempted to call Colonel Sanders.  However, the owner apparently has a farm that “specializes in chicken rehabilitation.” Yes, that really did say a farm that  specializes in chicken rehabilitation.

As I read this article, I was left with a number of questions:

  1. What eggs-act-ly is a “normal life” for a chicken?
  2. A farm that specializes in chicken rehabilitation? – are these chickens that have run a fowl of the law?
  3. What does a 3-D printer drumstick taste like?
  4. I am concerned that this may only be the beginning – as the technique is improved and the costs come down, will we one day go to KFC for a bucket of 3-D printer chicken?
  5. I also realized that if they perfect this and KFC starts selling 3-D printer chickens, that could put an end to my life long dream of one day owning a boneless chicken ranch.  (I figure the boneless ones wouldn’t run away.)

 

Friday Funny August 14, 2015 More Back to School Jokes

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Happy Friday!  It is Back to School time once again, so here are a few jokes to get you to the head of the class.

Enjoy!

Mother: What did you learn in school today Son: How to write. Mother: What did you write? Son: I don’t know, they haven’t taught us how to read yet!

Mom: What did you do at school today? Mark: We did a guessing game. Mom: But I thought you were having a math exam. Mark: That’s right!

Teacher: Did you father help you with your homework? Student: No, he did it all by himself.

Teacher: “If you reached in your right pocket and found a nickel, and you reached in your left pocket and found another one, what would you have?” Boy: “Somebody else’s pants.”

One morning a boy walks in to class late. His substitute teacher asks him “Where have you been?” He replies “Throwing pebbles at a car.” Fifteen minutes later a girl walks in, the teacher asks “where have you been?” she answers “throwing pebbles at a car.” Twenty minutes later a young girl comes in all bruised and dirty the teacher says, “Let me guess, you were throwing pebbles at a car.” “No miss,” she answers, “my name is Pebbles.”

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. “In English,” he said, “A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.” A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”

Thought for the Week

An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest.  ~Author unknown, commonly attributed to Benjamin Franklin

Back to School

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Kindergarten

It is hard for me to believe, but it is “back to school” time once again.  Many of the schools around me start sometime this week.  If I am not mistaken, we always started school on the day after Labor Day.  I think I always looked forward to the beginning of a new school year.  A new year brought new teachers, new friends, new opportunities – a fresh start each fall.  

With kids heading back to school, I was thinking back to my “first” first day of school which, of course, was more years ago than I would like to admit.  I have an older brother and sister and I can still recall the disappointment I felt when they headed off to school and I was left at home.  When my big day finally came and I could finally start kindergarten, I had to walk, all the way across the street to get to school!  (I would continue to walk all the way across the street through eight grade.)

There are not a lot of specifics I remember about that very first day of kindergarten.  I do remember there was a big circle on the floor that seemed to be the focal point for many activities. I think there were hooks and cubby holes at the back for us to hang our coats and store our stuff.  I believe that during that year we worked on learning how to tie shoes, the alphabet and counting which are things that I have actually used every day of my life since then.  We learned to write our names and I am proud to say that after decades of practicing this skill, there are some people in this world that even today can read my name when I write it. We also worked on some of the finer points of social interaction like raising our hands to ask questions and learning to sit and listen.  Skills that, to this day, I am still working on to master.    

It is odd the things that get stuck in one’s memory.  I can remember when Halloween rolled around, I was so excited that we were allowed to wear our costumes to school. If my memory is correct, I think I was dressed like a devil (the costume was most likely chosen by my Mother).

And, of course, I remember people.  The teacher was Mrs. Wilson who taught kindergarten at my school for many years.  As I glance over the 29 smiling faces above I can recall many, but not all, of the names. I would say that about half of those smiling faces were also present at my high school graduation as our lives intersected in a number of ways over the next thirteen years.   Through the wonder of social media I have been able to see what some of these smiling faces are up to today as well as see the smiling faces of children and grandchildren that have descended from those smiling faces.

I’ll admit that I am a little jealous of the kids heading back to school.  You have a new year and a fresh start, enjoy it to the fullest!

Friday Funny August 7, 2015 Danger! Danger Will Robinson!

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Happy Friday!  I would imagine that every day you read some sort of product instruction and/or warning.  Many of these are informative and useful.  The ones that follow are neither.

Enjoy!

Craftsman Push Mower – Warning: Do not attempt to remove blade while lawnmower is running or plugged into an outlet.

Pine Mountain Fire Logs – Caution: Risk of fire

Unknown Korean Kitchen Knife – Keep out of children.

Nytol Sleeping Pills – May cause drowsiness.

Vidal Sassoon Hair Dryer – Do not use while sleeping.

Razor Scooter- This product moves when used.

Apple’s iPod Shuffle –Do not eat.

Liquid Plummer –Warning: Do not reuse the bottle to store beverages.

Windex – Do not spray in eyes.

Bowl Fresh – Safe to use around pets and children, although it is not recommended that either be permitted to drink from toilet.

Toilet Plunger – Caution: Do not use near power lines.

Dremel Electric Rotary Tool –This product not intended for use as a dental drill.

Arm & Hammer Scoopable Cat Litter – Safe to use around pets.

Hair Coloring – Do not use as an ice cream topping.

Komatsu Floodlight – This floodlight is capable of illuminating large areas, even in the dark

Fix-a-Flat – WARNING: Do not weld can to rim.

Air Conditioner – Caution: Avoid dropping air conditioners out of windows.

Rowenta Iron – Warning: Never iron clothes on the body.

Nabisco Easy Cheese – For best results, remove cap.

Hershey’s Almond Bar – Warning: May contain traces of nuts

Heinz Ketchup – Instructions: Put on food

Thought for the Week

There is no such thing in anyone’s life as an unimportant day. ~Alexander Woollcott

http://www.quotegarden.com

 

 

Friday Funny July 31, 2015 Farm Grown Jokes

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Happy Friday!  Driving around lately I have noticed how tall the corn has gotten and that reminded me of all the hard-working farmers out there who provide the food we enjoy everyday.  So, in their honor, here are a few farmer related jokes.

Enjoy!

Politicians Accident

A bus filled with politicians was going driving down a country road one afternoon, when all of a sudden, a tire blew out causing the bus to run off the road and crash into a large tree in an old farmer’s field.

Seeing what happened, the old farmer went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.

A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer, “Were they all dead?”

The old farmer replied, “Well, some of them said they weren’t, but you know how them politicians lie.”

A Talking Cow

A man’s car stalled on a country road one morning. When the man got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him. “Your trouble is probably in the carburetor,” said the cow.

Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met a farmer. The amazed man told the farmer his story.

“Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?” asked the farmer. “Yes, yes,” the man replied.

“That would be Bessie,” said the farmer. “I wouldn’t listen to her, she doesn’t know a thing about cars.”

Tragic Farm Accident

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.

While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer’s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. 

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer; however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply.

Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.

The farmer replied, “The women would say, ‘What a terrible tragedy’ and I would nod my head and say, ‘Yes, it was.’ The men would ask, ‘Can I borrow that mule?’ and I would shake my head and say, ‘Can’t. It’s all booked up for a year.'”

Thought for the Week

It is not easy to walk alone in the country without musing upon something.  ~Charles Dickens

http://www.quotegarden.com

Giving It Your Best Effort

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I have my share of pet peeves, my wife would probably say that I have much more than my share, but that is beside the point I wish to make here.  I have heard many different times from a variety of angles people talking about how they “always” give 110%.  

There are only two things wrong with this claim: 1) it is not possible “always” give your maximum effort and, 2) is mathematically impossible to give more than 100%.

If one gives everything one can, uses every ounce of effort available, one might,for a very brief spurt, be able to give 100%.  Perhaps if I run 50 yards, I might be able to run at 100% of my ability, however limited that might be, for the full 50 yards.  But if I am running a marathon, I cannot run the entire 26.2 miles at 100% effort.  I may very well give it my best effort and do everything I can to finish the race in the best possible time for me.  But if I try to give it my maximum effort from the start, I will be sitting and panting before the first mile marker.

If I ran as fast and as hard as I can, I will be running at 100% of my ability.  I simply cannot run at 101% of my ability or 102% or 110% percent of my ability.  The person who says that they are giving 110% is telling you that they are doing 10% than it is possible for them to do.  That, simply makes no sense.

Just once I would like to hear the person doing one of these interviews whether it is with an athlete, an entertainer, a politician, or a businessman follow-up that claim with the following question:  “That is very interesting, would you please explain how you can consistently give more effort than you are, by definition, capable of doing?”

Friday Funny July 24, 2015 Coming Soon to a Theater Near You!

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lgs

Happy Friday!  Seems like there are a lot of exciting movies hitting the theaters lately.  Here is one you might not have heard about.

Enjoy!

It seems like superhero movies are all the rage the days with Spider-man, Fantastic Four and now even Ant-man.  Word is that Steven Spielberg has decided to do an action movie with a unique twist.  He has plans to make full-blown action movie full of guns, explosions, and heart pounding action based on the lives of famous classical composers. Of course, if he wants this movie to be a hit he’s going to need some big names from action movies. 

First he called Steven Seagal.  He told him the idea, told Seagal that he wanted him in it. Spielberg asked him which composer he would like to play.  Without hesitation he answers: “Well, I like tough guys! I wanna be a tough guy, and I think Beethoven is a tough guy! I’ll be Beethoven.”  Spielberg tells him that is great and he will get a contract to his agent.

Next Spielberg calls Sylvester Stallone.  He tells him that he is making an action movie about the classical composers.  He tells Stallone that he wants him to be in it and asks which composer he would want to play.  After a short pause, Sly answers: “Yo, I’ve always been kind of partial to Mozart. I like his style. I’ll be Mozart.”  Spielberg tells him that is great and he will get a contract to his agent.

Next Spielberg calls, Arnold Schwarzenegger. He tells him that he is making an action movie about the classical composers. He tells Arnold that he wants him to be in it and asks which composer he would want to play. After a long thoughtful silence,  Schwarzenegger replies: “I’ll be Bach”.

Thought for the Week

It’s not who I am underneath but what I do that defines me.~ Batman (Batman Begins)

Friday Funny July 17, 2015 Cannibal Jokes (I Know These Are Rather Tasteless)

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SanDiego2010 006

After another long week in the midst of a dog eat dog world you need a laugh to start your Friday. So, here are a few cannibal jokes. Just remember that it is difficult to find tasteful cannibal jokes and once you find them it takes a lot of guts to tell them. So, for this week only – your fill of cannibal jokes.

Enjoy!

Did you hear the one about the missionary who was sent to the cannibal
tribe to give them a taste of religion?

Why did the young cannibal get expelled from school? They caught him
buttering up the teacher!

What happened at the cannibal’s wedding party? They toasted the bride
and groom!

What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner? The cold
shoulder.

Did you hear about the cannibal who loved fast food? He ordered a pizza
with everybody on it.

Two cannibals were eating dinner. One said, “I really hate my sister.”
The other said, “Well just eat the noodles then.”

A cannibal is a man who loves his neighbors, with gravy, that is.

What is a cannibal’s favorite game? Swallow the leader.

Did you hear about the down and out cannibal? He was looking for someone to give him a helping hand.

First Cannibal: Who was that lady l I saw you with last night? Second Cannibal: That was no lady, that was my supper.

Why did the cannibal eat the tightrope walker? He wanted a well-balanced meal.

What happened to the cannibal lion? He had to swallow his pride.

And, of course you know why cannibals don’t eat clowns – They taste funny!!

Two clowns are eating a cannibal, one turns to the other and says, “I think we’re doing this joke wrong…”

Thought for the Week

Well done is better than well said. ~Benjamin Franklin