Friday Funny May 23, 2014 – Summer Travel Ideas

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Happy Memorial Day!  This week kicks of the unofficial start of the summer travel season.  If you are still undecided about where to go this summer, here are a few suggestions if your travels take you to Indiana or Texas.

Medora, Indiana: where you can see the longest covered Bridge in the USA. This bridge spanning the East Fork of the White River took nine months to build in 1875. Unfortunately, you cannot cross this bridge when you come to it, it has been closed to traffic since 1972.

Alexandria, Indiana: boasts the World’s Largest Ball of Paint! Mr. Michael Carmichael has spent more than 30 years applying over 18,000 layers of paint to a baseball. It now weighs close to 1,500 pounds. And you thought that pitcher for the Yankees was applying a lot of foreign substance to the ball.

Aurora, Indiana: Woman Buried in Her Cadillac. Aurora Schuck loved her Cadillac El Dorado so much that she asked her husband to bury her in it when she died. When Ray passed away a number of years later, the vault was reopened and Ray was placed next to his wife. Mrs. Schuck was moved and has been a back seat driver ever since.

Fort Wayne, Indiana: Johnny Appleseed Grave. Here you can find the final resting place of America’s most beloved migrant farmer. The grave is in a well-marked memorial park, the plot surrounded by a wrought iron fence.

Indianapolis, Indiana: Elvis’s Last Concert Parking Lot Plaque. Market Square Arena was the sight of the last performance of The King on June 26, 1977. It was demolished blown in 2001, but the plaque remains. Just don’t step on the plaque with your blue suede shoes.

Seymour, Indiana: Graves of America’s First Train Robbers. The Reno Brothers pulled off America’s first planned train robbery, but the old adage about crime not paying was true for them, they were caught, hanged by vigilantes, and buried in the town cemetery.

Terre Haute, Indiana: The Wave We Were: Hairstyling Museum. This one gets my vote for the best named attraction. Here you can find scissors, curling irons, hair dryers, permanent wave machines, and hundreds of other artifacts that go back to the 19th century.

Waco, Texas: The Bear Pit. This is the home of the Baylor Bears, the mascots of Baylor University. The latest enclosure/habitat is not really a pit, and the bears seem to be well-tended. A place like Jellystone Park where you can, “Look at the Bears! Look at the Bears! Look at the Bears!”

Waxahachie, Texas: Munster Mansion. Charles and Sandra McKee built their home as a replica of the Munster’s house. Apparently the McKee’s have both too much time and too much money. The house is opened for special charity events, usually in October, and you can stop and snap a picture of the outside anytime.

Fort Worth, Texas: Logan’s Run Water Garden. The Fort Worth “Water Garden” opened in downtown Fort Worth in 1974 and was welcomed as an oasis of plants and wetness in the midst of a concrete jungle. The Garden is still a popular spot for lunch eaters and wedding photographers, but its “Active Pool” is especially loved by fans of the 1976 sci-fi film Logan’s Run. It was on its futuristic water-splashed terraces that the film’s bewildered-young-people-who-can-now-grow-old emerged from their dystopian domed city into the real world.

San Antonio, Texas: Barney Smith’s Toilet Seat Art Museum. For over 50 years Barney Smith, retired master plumber, has turned toilet seats into works of art. He creates in his garage, and loves visitors. Barney turns 93 in 2014. At last count he had completed 1,069 toilet seats.

For even more unique out-of-the-way places check out http://www.roadsideamerica.com

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

Let no vandalism of avarice or neglect, no ravages of time, testify to the present or to the coming generations, that we have forgotten, as a people, the cost of a free and undivided Republic.  ~John A. Logan

http://www.qutegarden.com

 

 

 

The Importance of a First Date Movie

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Believe it or not, the first movie you see with a date is a pretty good indicator of the outcome of the relationship.  Don’t tune me out just yet.  The other day I was thinking about first date movies that I saw and I realized that they were very accurate indicators of what I was getting into.  (Not that I had that many first dates in my life – I only need one hand to count them and I don’t even need all the digits).  So, stay with me as I tell my tale.

“Follow Me Boys” – this was the first movie I ever saw on a “real” date.  I was only 16 and looking for something that would not embarrass me or my date and this Disney movie that had been re-released to theaters seemed like a safe bet.  Basic plot was guy comes to town and ends up staying in an effort to woo girl away from rival. Everything falls neatly into place and everyone lives happily ever after.  Yeah, like that happens in the real world.  Of course in real life, things never quite translate from a Disney movie and in real life one does not usually spend one’s life with the first person one ever goes on a date with.  Pieces seldom fall into place that easily.   Real life is never easy or neat.  Needless to say this was not my last first date.  Side note – Walt Disney died two weeks after the film’s original release.

“Night of the Living Dead” – a classic low-budget movie which probably should have been a real clue to the young lady I saw this with.  It is a movie about zombies and there are no “happy endings” in zombie movies.  Another thing about zombies is that it is hard to determine if they are dead or alive, just like it was hard to figure out if this was really a “date” or just spending some time with someone who became a very good friend.

“Sliver Streak” – a nice lighthearted comedy with a bit of mystery and suspense mingled in.  This one sounds like it would have the makings for a great and dynamic dating relationship.  However, the train runs out of control and the film ends with a rather spectacular train wreck.  First date movies of disasters and/or horror (see “Night of the Living Dead” above) are best avoided.  The relationship was fun, but it did not end well.

“Doc Savage, The Man of Bronze” –  a pretty cheesy movie that you have probably never heard of – a bad Indiana Jones movie a few years before “Raiders of the Lost Ark.”  The thing was, it had all the pieces: the handsome, dashing hero; the beautiful, captivating damsel; good versus evil – however, all the pieces just did not quite come together as intended.  At perhaps the most romantic moment of the movie, when everyone is waiting for Doc to tenderly kiss his damsel in distress he gives her a little tap on the chin and says, “Mona, You’re a Brick.”  The pieces were there, but things just did not work out for this relationship.

“The In-Laws” – (1979 version)  a movie about a couple preparing to get married, there was a lot of suspense, conflict, and comedy with some crazy parents mixed in as well.  Everything in this movie was just pretty messy and confusing leading up to and including the wedding. Now that sounds pretty much like real life and the young lady I took to see that movie as a first date has been my wife for more than thirty years now.

 

Friday Funny May 16, 2014 – Maybe This Was Not an Emergency

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I read a story this week about a lady in Gastonia, South Carolina who called 911 because her Subway Flatizza was made with mariana sauce instead of pizza sauce. (If you read the description of a Faltizza, they all have mariana sauce.) That just started me wondering what other non-emergency situations have resulted in 911 calls. So, I put on my top-notch researcher hat and found the following chosen especially for you. Enjoy!

  • “My son won’t give me the remote control.”
  • “Can an officer come over and tell my kids to go to bed?”
  • “I can’t find the movie theater and the movie starts in 5 minutes”
  • “Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.”
  • A woman in Oregon, called 911 because she thought a deputy who had just visited her house on a complaint was good-looking and she was interested in setting up a date, she ended up getting arrested instead.
  • A Florida woman called 911 because she was locked inside her car WHILE SHE WAS IN IT! Of course all she needed to do was manually pull up the lock on the door. 
  • Another Florida woman called 911 because McDonald’s was out of Chicken McNuggets, “This is an emergency. If I had known they didn’t have McNuggets, I wouldn’t have given my money, and now she wants to give me a McDouble, but I don’t want one.” 
  • A Florida man (I am starting to notice a pattern here) called 911 because the sandwich shop left the special sauce off his hero. He was so upset he called twice. The first time about the sandwich. The second time, to complain that about the slow response time.
  • In Britain, a man called authorities to report a large and mysterious flying object that lit up the sky. He soon followed up the first call saying he had solved this mystery. He determined the large and mysterious object was, in fact, the moon.
  • The Regina, Canada fire department raced off to battle a reported fire at the nearby Canadian Football League stadium. Upon arrival, they were able to quickly determine that the report fire was a burning log displayed on the stadium’s giant video screen.
  • Police received the a call from Chinese version of 911 from a woman called the local 911 in China after her boyfriend refused to warm up her cold feet. This was quickly followed by a call from the boyfriend complaining that his girlfriend was too demanding.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

A man can fail many times, but he isn’t a failure until he begins to blame somebody else. ~John Burroughs

WWW.QUOTEGARDEN.COM

 

Show Up and Be Ready to Play

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The professional baseball season is a long grind, 162 games beginning in the chilly days of early spring, continuing through the hot and humid dog days of summer, and ending with the crisp autumn air of late September.  If you are lucky, you get to play on into October. 

The 1962 expansion New York Mets are considered one of the worst baseball teams of all time.  That hapless band of characters lost 120 games, yet somehow they still managed to win 40 games.  The 2001 Seattle Mariners compiled the best record over the last sixty years winning 116 games while losing 46.  So, even the worst team wins a quarter of its games and even the best team loses a quarter of its games.  So the difference between the great teams and the lousy teams really comes down to how they do in that 50% of the games that are up for grabs.

Of course talent makes a difference, but just because a team has what it thinks are the best, most talented players, does not guarantee victory (see the 1992 Mets).  It often comes down to the team that is prepared and ready to play every day.  I had a statistics professor in college who liked to call on people at random.  If you were not ready with an answer he would usually say something like, “you don’t show up at a game without your glove! You don’t go without your spikes! Why do you show up without your homework?”

My youngest son graduated recently from The Ohio State University.  The graduation speaker was Chris Matthews host of Hardball with Chris Matthews.  The main point of his address can be condensed to an admonition to graduates to “show up and be prepared.” That is good advice for graduates, for baseball players, for anyone.

Life like the baseball season is a long grind.  Show up everyday prepared and ready to play:  some days will be great and you win in spite of yourself, some days you lose no matter what you do.  But there are all those other days, days that can be won or lost that make a real difference.  In life and baseball if you keep plugging away and manage to win more than you lose you just might find that, at the end of the long season, you have safely arrived at “home” and accomplished something great.

 

Friday Funny May 9, 2014 Things Mother Never Said

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1. Well, if everyone else is doing it I’m sure it’s okay.

2. Actually you were born in a barn, go ahead and leave that door open.

3. Don’t worry about curfew, it was just a suggestion. I’m not running a prison here.  If you’re with your friends, I know you’re all right.

4. You know, the purpose of my life IS to walk behind you and pick things up.

5. You don’t get in half the trouble I did when I was your age.

6. If you don’t stop crying, I’m going to have to give you anything you want.

7. How on earth can you see that TV from so far back, scoot a little closer.

8. Just because you live under my roof doesn’t mean you have to follow my rules, we are running a democracy here.

9. I don’t expect you to hear what I say the first time, I enjoy repeating it again and again.

10. Let me smell that shirt– I think it’s good for another week, maybe two.

11. Just because you were too sick to go to school today doesn’t mean you can’t hang out with your friends now.

12. If you can’t say something nice about a person, text it.

13. This will hurt you a lot more than it hurts me, I can guarantee that.

14. If you don’t eat all your dessert, you can’t have any broccoli.

15. Why are your clothes so clean?  Go back outside and don’t come back in until you have grass stains all over.

16. Your room is just too tidy, go mess it up a little.

17. Those starving children on the other side of the world? They wouldn’t eat this slop either.

18. Sure keep that stray dog.  I will be happy to feed it, walk it, and take care of it.

19. Today’s music is so much better than when I was a kid.

20. Actually, I am made out of money!

Thought for the Week

“Each day of our lives we make deposits in the memory banks of our children.”~Charles R. Swindoll, The Strong Family

http://www.quotegarden.com

 

What I Learned in College

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This past weekend I attended the college graduation of my youngest son.  It does not seem possible that so many years have come and gone since I graduated from college.  The occasion did have me reflecting back on a few things that I learned way back in my college days.

  • I could survive 1,000 miles from home.
  • Yet, as Dorothy said, “There is no place like home.” 
  • There really is a reason why you separate clothes before washing. 
  • College cannot be survived without pizza and coffee.
  • Never trust stuffed peppers in the cafeteria.
  • Some of those foods I avoided for the first eighteen years of my life really were not bad.
  • Sometimes the most fun you can have is when you don’t act your age.
  • Be certain your aim is good before trying to throw tomatoes out your window from across the room. 
  • Sitting on a bench eating ice cream and watching cars go by is not a bad way to spend time. 
  • Sleep is over-rated. 
  • About the only courses I excelled in were racquetball, softball, bowling and ice skating. 
  • I could spend hours in a dorm room just sitting and talking with a friend.
  • An “F” in calculus was not the end of the world, nor would it be the last failure of my life.
  • Selling turkey shaped cookies at Thanksgiving is a marketing opportunity everyone is missing. 
  • A good roommate is a friend for life even if you lose track of each other for a while. 
  • The activities you are involved in are as much a part of your college experience as the classes you take. 
  • Memories of arguments can last longer than memories of what was argued about. 
  • Pranks are paid back with interest. 
  • Dorm rooms/apartments strangely enough do not clean themselves. 
  • Letters from family and friends were like manna from heaven. 
  • Your plans are not set in stone. You can change majors or schools or both like I did.
  • Some of us never really decide what we want to be when we grow up.
  • You really can do things you never dreamed you could. 
  • You’re not nearly as smart as you think you are. 
  • You’re not nearly as dumb as you think you are.
  • You are not finished learning when you graduate. 
  • Possessions can be replaced. 
  • Calling your parents on Saturday morning is a good habit to get into and one I still have.

 

Friday Funny May 2, 2014 May the Fourth Be With You

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Happy Friday and welcome to May!  I saw some news this week about the making of the next Star Wars  movie which reminded me that Sunday is 5/4/14.  So May the 4th be with you!

Q: How is Ducktape like the Force?
A: It has a Dark Side, a Light side and it binds the galaxy together.

Q: Why did the Jedi cross the road?
A: To get to the Dark Side.

Q: Where is Princess Leia’s favorite place for shopping?
A: The Darth Maul!

Q: What do you call 5 siths piled on top of a lightsaber?
A: A Sith-Kabob!

Q: What do you call the website Chewbacca started that gives out Empire secrets?
A: Wookieeleaks

Q: What do you call a bounty hunter from the South?
A: Bubba Fett

Q: What do Jedi use to view PDF files?
A: Adobe Wan Kenobi

Q. What did Obi-Wan say to Luke at the Chinese restaurant when Luke was having trouble using chopsticks?
A. “Use the forks, Luke.”

Q. Why didn’t the pitcher from the forest moon of Endor stay on the baseball team?
A. ‘Ewoked every batter he faced

Q. Which Jedi Master became a pastry chef?
A. His name was Obi-wan Cannoli

Q: Why is a droid mechanic never lonely?
A: Because he’s always making new friends!

Q. What do you get if you mix a fruit with a bounty hunter?
A. Mango Fett!

Q. Where do Gungans store pickles?
A. In Jar Jars.

Q. What do you get when you cross an elephant with Darth Vader?
A. An ele-Vader.

Q. What do you call a Sith who is afraid of almost everything?
A. Sithy.

Q: What do you call a pirate droid?
A: Argh2-D2

Q. Why didn’t Princess Leia have a boyfriend on her home planet?
A. Because she was looking for love in Alderaan places.

Thought for the Week
“No. Try not. Do… or do not. There is no try.” ~ Yoda

 

 

Pigs Fly in Cincinnati

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May is almost here and in Cincinnati that means that it is time for Pigs to Fly.  Along with Cincinnati style chili and being the birthplace of professional baseball, Cincinnati is known for pigs.  For a time in the first part of the 1800’s, Cincinnati’s easy access to river transport and farmland helped propel the city to being the number one pork processing center in the country. In fact Cincinnati was once known as “Porkopolis” and it was said that Cincinnati was where pigs fly. 

There are a number of theories about the origin of this saying, one popular story is that when the hogs were being delivered from the Kentucky side of the Ohio River to the slaughter-house on the Cincinnati side, they were loaded on flat top barges.   The early morning fog on the river would cover the barges as they glided across the water.  This left the naked eye to see “flocks” of pigs “floating” above the water giving the appearance that the were “flying” to Cincinnati. To this day, you can find a lot of “flying pig” items at the airport and in many shops around Cincinnati.  The “flying pigs” really take flight the first Sunday in May with the occurrence of the Cincinnati Flying Pig Marathon.

I do not claim to be a “runner,”  but I have participated in the Flying Pig Marathon.  I blame my running on my dog, but that is another blog for another day.  My marathon “career” started one day in September of 2002 when Connie, a friend, co-worker, and marathoner stopped by my cubicle and informed me that she was going to run the Columbus Marathon and that I should run it as well.  My first question was, “When is it?”  She replied, “Three weeks.”  I told her there was no way, I had never run more than 10 miles in my life.  She told me that if I could run ten miles, I could finish a marathon.  “It is just a 10K with a 20 mile warm up,” she said.  Connie told me that you get excited running in such a large group, there are pople cheering you on, and you have to get back to where your car is.  So, I went home, ran 12 miles that night and then signed up for the Columbus Marathon which I managed to complete.

I found the marathon to be a lot of fun, in a strange and somewhat painful fashion.  When we got back to work, I asked Connie, “When can we do another?”  So I signed up for the Flying Pig in May of 2003 and every year since, until this year.  We talked Dave, another co-worker into joining the fun a few times as well.  Connie and I have started ten Flying Pigs together, a few we even arrived at the starting line before the gun sounded.  Twice, Ryland, my Stetson roommate flew up from Florida to fly with the pigs.

However, I am a little sad that this year, my Flying Pig streak comes to an end.  As much as I have enjoyed being apart of this marathon, I am excited that this Sunday, we will be attending the graduation of our youngest son at The Ohio State University.  You know, raising three sons is a marathon in its own right except there is no medal at the finish line.  (Actually there is no finish line).  This Sunday, the pigs will once again fly in Cincinnati while I will be penned up in Columbus, but maybe next year, once again, this little piggy will be going wee, wee, wee all the way to the Finish Swine.

Friday Funny April 25, 2014 – A Tough Row to Hoe

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It seems like Old Man Winter has finally packed his bags and left town.  As I look out at the world starting to turn green once again, it reminds me of all the work that needs to be done out-of-doors.  Alas, I have a brown thumb instead of a green thumb and things usually do not turn out well for me with lawns, flowers, fruits, and vegetables. If only I could grow green stuff in my garden as easily as I can grow it in my refrigerator.  I pulled my yard working jacket out of the closet only to find that I had left a packet of seeds in one of the pockets and it had turned into a giant Chia pet.  I told my wife it looked like it was time to get the lawn mower out and cut the grass but I was having a little trouble getting mowtivated.  She noted that I had a lot in common with a lawn mower, she said both were difficult to get started, smelled bad and only worked about half the time you wanted them to. However, I am a little excited about my new weed whacker, it is the latest in cutting-hedge technology.  But I keep trying; I guess I am learning by trowel and error.

I am a bit concerned about the increased number of night crawlers I have seen in my dirt; I suppose it is just another consequence of global worming.  I know this sounds kind of crazy, but I think someone is secretly adding soil to my garden, it is a certainly a mystery to me, the plot thickens.   I try not to say anything very sensitive while I am in the garden because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears. Plus I’ve got an ongoing problem with a mole; it seems he keeps passing on confidential information about my garden.

Last year all the vegetables had a race, it was close but the cabbage won by a head.  But it is not all fun and games in the garden, just like everywhere there are personal issues to deal with.  Last year two melons fell in love and wanted to get married, but they were too young so they cantaloupe. One day a guy walked up the gate of my garden and just picked up the garden gate walked off with it!  I was shocked but I thought it best not to say anything in case he took a fence

Gardening can take its toll on one’s health.  I once found myself in the doctor’s office with a parsnip in one ear, a carrot in the other and pole beans in my nostrils.  Exasperated, I asked the doctor, “What’s wrong with me doc?”  He told me that I needed to eat more sensibly.

Some days I picture myself as a real plant manager, but if I don’t get a raise in celery, I might just quit.  Gardening takes a lot of effort and patience; one cannot expect a bonsai tree to grow the miniature planting it.  Yet, some days I just lose track of time and my wife has to remind me when it is time to cummin.  How will this year’s garden turn out?  I suppose only thyme will tell.

Thought for the Week

A garden is always a series of losses set against a few triumphs, like life itself. ~May Sarton

http://www.quotegarden.com