One of my favorite television series is “The Twilight Zone.”  Part of the opening narration from Rod Serling was telling us that “There is a fifth dimension beyond that which is known to man.”  I think I have found out what this fifth dimension is, it is the dimension of shingles!

This last weekend we had a new roof put on our house and they put on dimensional shingles. These are asphalt shingles with a “twist.”  

For many years man lived in huts, tents and caves,  Then he got the bright idea to build houses which lead to all sorts of unintended consequences like mortgages and aluminum siding salesman.  For many years the standard three tab asphalt shingle was fine.  However, now we need a “twist.”  These dimensional shingles are also called “architectural” shingles or “laminated” shingles.  Obviously by any of these names, they sound more expensive than “three tab” shingles and, of course, they are.   The news just keeps getting worse as now the folks out there who manufacture shingles keep pumping out more stylish, eye-catching shingle options.  I suppose there will be mounting pressure across this land to not only keep up with the Joneses, but to keep up with the Joneses’ shingles as well.

Apparently there is an upside, these dimensional shingles are supposed to last longer.  But I wonder if that is all marketing hype.  But it seems like the old styles are going by the wayside and I do not want my house to look too dated.  I can just imagine if I kept the old style shingles, the day would come when I wanted to sell the house and the realtor would come and say, “I have had several people really interested in the house, they like the yard, they like the size of the rooms, they like the layout, but I keep hearing say they just could not live in a house with three tab shingles.”

So, I have succumbed to the pressure and now I have dimensional shingles. ..Dimensional Shingles, isn’t that a disease you get when you are older if you had chicken pox as a kid? 

“They” say that everyone complains about the weather, but no one can do anything about it.  I suppose the same thing can be said about the price of gas, but that will not keep me from throwing in my two cents, which would only buy me about one-third of one ounce of gas anyway.  “They” say – that indefinite third person plural that appears to be all-wise and all-knowing – that the price of gas is coming down and that I should be happy it has stayed under $4 a gallon.  I say that is a lot of bosh – bosh being the term regularly used by Mr. Sherer, my first boss, to refer to things that just did not add up.

I think it was in 2008 that oil was around $150 a barrel and “they” said then that was justification for gas costing $4 a gallon.  So one would think that six years later, oil must still be around $150 per barrel, right?  Wrong!  According to Yahoo! Finance, crude oil ended trading today at $97.69.  So, if one applies the logic that $150/barrel = $4/gallon, then $97.69/$150*4= $2.61!  So, forgive me if I am not ecstatic and thankful that gas is dollar more than the logic “they” provided says it should be.

I am also not overjoyed that my trash bill has recently added a fuel surcharge – in addition to the full surcharge that they added in 2008 when gas was at $4.00.  If I knew who to ask, I would inquire about the logic used to add a fuel charge on top of the previous fuel charge when the price of gas is less than it was when they added the original fuel surcharge??

I know, none of this changes anything, but it makes me feel a tad better to vent, now about that weather…..

I came across a story about a woman in New Jersey who, upon finishing a performance at a clown show, managed to crash her car into a utility pole.  fortunately for her some of the other clowns who were leaving the same performance saw her dilemma and came to her aid.  Apparently the accident was caused by the woman “reaching for a GPS device that fell off the windshield when she veered off the road.”   My first thought was that it seems to me like maybe the “veering off the road” might have played some part in th accident in the first place.  But a story like this raises a number of questions like:

Were there a dozen or more other clowns in the car with her?

Was the clown who was driving wearing her clown shoes while driving and did that contribute to the situation?

Did she injure her funny bone?

Was she juggling several GPS devices at the time of the accident?

Did the airbag deploy or did the big red nose provide enough of a cushion?

Were any of the police officers who responded to the scene squirted with water from flowers worn by the clowns?

Did the police officers leave with a variety of balloon animals?

If the police had to taser any of the clowns, would he or she make a funny a face?

I was watching the news this evening.  As they went to a commercial break, the teaser for the story after the break was about how your kid’s lunch might cost less this fall.  My boys are all past school age these days, but I am an accountant and I like to eat, so I wanted to hear this story.

So I waited through the commercial break, here is the big news, you might want to sit down for this, the cost of a jar of peanut butter is down 3.8% from the same time a year ago!  I imagine you are almost as excited as I was at this news.  Wait there is more, jelly is also down 0.7% from the last year and white bread is down 2.8% from last year.  Now I do enjoy the occasional PB&J (grilled sometimes, but I covered that in an earlier blog) and I do like to save money, but I found myself asking the question, “so, what does that really mean?”

Being an accountant, I had to try to quantify this information.  First I consulted my wonderful wife who has a degree in home economics.  Here are some rule of thumb numbers she provided, they are not exact, but will prove a point.  Let’s make the following assumptions: 1) a jar of peanut butter currently costs about $3 and will provide a dozen peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, 2) a jar of jelly currently costs $3 and will provide for 18 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, and 3) a loaf of white sandwich bread costs $2 and will provide for a dozen sandwiches.

The same story also goes onto say that the average child will eat 1,500 sandwiches before graduating from high school.  If we assume the child begins eating PB&J sandwiches in kindergarten, then he or she would eat approximately 115 sandwiches a year for 13 years.

So, now comes the fun part, well for a nerdy accountant like me, the fun part.  First we take 115 (the number of PB&J sandwhiches a child will eat over the course of the next year) and divide by how many sandwiches a jar/ loaf will produce and we estimate that we will need 9.58 jars of peanut butter, 6.39 jars of jelly and 9.58 loaves of bread.  Next we take the current price of each item, divide by 1 less the decrease over the last twelve months to arrive at the price last year, then we subtract this year’s price from last year’s price to determine the price difference and then we multiple the price difference by the number needed for each item (yes I used a spreadsheet and yes have been told that I am a nerd – often by the aforementioned home economics major).

The final result of this calculation tells me that, given current prices compared to prices last year, for peanut butter and jelly sandwiches eaten by a child over the course of the coming twelve months, I can expect to save $1.70.  Yes one dollar and seventy cents!! The next problem will be deciding how to invest this  exorbitant windfall! 

And I waited through a commercial break for this!  The economy may still be in the dumps, I may be paying an arm and a leg for gas, the Middle East is a powder keg, but no worries, the average person can save $1.70 the next year on peanut butter and jelly sandwiches or about a cent and a half per sandwich.

I feel so much better, don’t you?

A orse, a orse! My kngdm 4 a orse!

2B or nt 2 B, dats Q

dis abov ll: 2 thine own self B tru

F?, Romans, countrymen, lend me yr ears; I cum 2 bury Caesar, nt 2 kudos him

What’s ina nme? dat wich we cll @>–>– By Ny oder nme w%d smel as swEt.

d ldy doth protest 2 mch, methinks

ll d world’s a stage, n ll d men n women merely playAs; they’ve their exits n theirentrances, n 1man n hs tym plays mnE parts

der r mor fings n heaven n erth, Horatio, thN r dremt of n yr ethos

gud nyt, gud partin S such swEt sorrw

Now S d wintr of r discontent

somit S rotten n d st8 of Denmark.

ll dat glisters aint Au

w@ lyt thru yonDr windO breaks

w@ fools deez mortals B!

dis wz d most unkindest cut of ll

2 zzz, perchance 2 dream- ay, there’s d rub

w’r such stuf As drms r md on; n r lil lyf S rounded W a zzz.

lov l%ks nt W d Iyz bt W d mind

Cowards di mnE tyms b4 their deaths, d valiant nvr taste of deth bt 1s

Im constant as d northin (*)

Translated into Plain English

A horse, a horse! My kingdom for a horse! – Richard The Third

To be or not to be, that is question – Hamlet

This above all: to thine own self be true – Hamlet

Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears; I come to bury Caesar, not to praise him. – Julius Caesar

What’s in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet. – Romeo and Juliet

The lady doth protest too much, methinks.- Hamlet

All the world’s a stage,
And all the men and women merely players;
They have their exits and their entrances,
And one man in his time plays many parts, – As You Like It

There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio,
Than are dreamt of in your philosophy. Hamlet
Good night, good night! Parting is such sweet sorrow- Romeo And Juliet

Now is the winter of our discontent – Richard The Third

Something is rotten in the state of Denmark – Hamlet

All that glitters is not gold – The Merchant of Venice

What light through yonder window breaks – Romeo And Juliet

What fools these mortals be! – A Midsummer Nights Dream

This was the most unkindest cut of all – Julius Caesar

To sleep, perchance to dream-ay, there’s the rub. – Hamlet

We are such stuff
As dreams are made on; and our little life
Is rounded with a sleep. – The Tempest

Love looks not with the eyes but with the mind. – A Midsummer Night’s Dream

Cowards die many times before their deaths,
The valiant never taste of death but once. – Julius Caesar

I am constant as the northern star – Julius Caesar