Happy Friday! Christmas is just around the corner now and my Jewish friends will start celebrating Hanukah this weekend. So, let’s kick off the weekend with a triple header of holiday themed groaners.
A man goes to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth.
The dentist examines him and says, “That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago, is eroding. What have you been eating?”
The man replies, “All I can think of is that, about four months ago, my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious . . . Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I started putting it on everything – meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything.”
“Well,” says the dentist, “there is the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It’s eaten away your upper plate. I’ll make you a new plate, and this time I will make it out of chrome.”
“Why chrome?” asks the patient.
And the dentist says, “It’s simple. Everyone knows that there’s no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise.”
An American couple on vacation was walking down the street in St. Petersburg one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.
“I think it’s raining,” he said to his wife.
“No, that felt more like snow to me,” she replied.
“No, I’m sure it was just rain, he said.”
Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. “Let’s not fight about it,” the man said, “let’s ask Comrade Rudolph whether it’s officially raining or snowing.”
As the official approached, the man said, “Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?”
“It’s raining, of course,” he answered and walked on.
But the woman insisted: “I know that felt like snow!”
To which the man quietly replied: “Well, Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!”
It was early December, and a fancy hotel was hosting a chess tournament. The tournament had rented out the hotel’s entire ballroom, and the first day had, thus far, gone smoothly, with all but the final rounds decided in the tournament. The time came for a break, and the entire convention shuffled out of the ballroom out by the foyer so employees could convert the chess tables to banquet tables for the evening’s dinner, and otherwise clean up. Several of the games during the day had been close, featuring especially dramatic end games, and everyone was excited about the prospects for the final rounds. The remaining finalists boasted about their victories that day and previously, and slowly the normally quiet tournament’s volume grew to a dull roar, disturbing the other hotel guests. Guest after guest complained to the hotel staff, until finally the hotel manager came out and asked to speak to the president of the chess tournament.
“Oh, hello, what seems to be the matter?”
“I’m sorry but you and your attendees need to quiet down or leave until the banquet is finished being arranged.”
“You’re all causing quite a ruckus, and no one can tolerate chess nuts boasting by an open foyer.
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“Come in, — come in! and know me better, man! I am the Ghost of Christmas Present. Look upon me! You have never seen the like of me before!”
~ Charles Dickens, A Christmas Carol