Happy Friday! Memorial Day weekend marks the unofficial start of summer. That means many of you will spend some time in the car this weekend. So, here are some tips to help you pass the time as the miles roll along.
Fun Things to Do While Driving (These should only be attempted by professional drivers on a closed course).
1. Have a friend ride in the back seat. Gagged.
2. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Headbang.
3. Wear snorkel gear and hang fish around from the ceiling.
4. Two words: Chicken suit.
5. Write the words “Help me” on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.
6. Pay the toll for the car behind you. Watch in rearview mirror as toll collector tries to explain to next driver.
7. Put a puppet on your driving hand and have him hold the wheel. Let the puppet talk to people when you’re at a stop light.
8. Roll down your window and yell “Moo!” when passing cows.
9. Roll down your window and yell at children reminding them to brush their teeth before going to bed.
10. Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.
11. At stop lights, make lizard faces at small children in the back seat of the car in front of you.
12. Put your arms down the legs of an extra pair of trousers, put sneakers on your hands, and lean the seat back as you drive.
13. At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, suddenly lock your doors.
14. Honk frequently without motivation, especially when passing houses out in the country.
15. Wave at people often, especially when passing houses out in the county. If they wave back, offer an offended and angry look.
16. Hang fifty car-fresheners on the rear-view mirror.
17. Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their cigarette butts out the window.
18. Keep at least five cats in the car.
19. Squeegee your windshield at every stop.
20. Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.
21. Stop and take pictures of road kill
22. Stop and collect road kill.
23. Stop and cook road kill.
24. Drive off an exit ramp and ask for directions to the town you’re in. When they tell you you’re there, look confused, glance at your map, laugh, and exclaim, “Oh! wrong state!”
25. If listening to the beginning of a baseball game, be sure to stand during the National Anthem.
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“I went to court for a parking ticket. I pleaded insanity. I said, Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?” ~ Steven Wright
Happy Friday! It has felt like summer this week and when it feels like summer it gets one thinking about vacation. So pack your bag for laughs.
I didn’t realize how bad of a driver I was until my Tom Tom said, “In 1000 feet, do a slight right, stop, and let me out.”
I had to tell my suitcases there will be no vacation this summer. Now I’m dealing with emotional baggage.
I read a story about a pilot who decided to cook whilst flying? It was a recipe for disaster.
I tried to sue the airline for misplacing my luggage, unfortunately I lost my case.
I may not travel much, but I wonder how many miles I’ve scrolled with my thumb.
For Christmas, I bought my wife a world map and gave her a dart. I told her to throw it and wherever it lands, we will go on vacation this summer. Looks like we are spending two weeks behind the refrigerator.
Looks like I will have to cancel my vacation, I developed a rash and my dermatologist told me to apply the medication locally.
I once took a trip to a ski resort. It started off well, but things went downhill really fast.
I heard that photons do not take suitcases on vacation because they travel light.
What did the llama say before his vacation? Alpaca bag.
Happy Friday! Happy April! Happy April Fool’s Day!
I filled up my gas tank tonight and I swapped the labels on the pumps. It is my April Fuels’ joke.
If you buy a hammer bought on April 1st would it be an April tool?
Is it true that eggs like April Fools’ Day for the practical yolks?
Here is an idea – let’s spend April Fools’ Day on Instagram and fool each other into believing we have glamorous lives.
If it is raining chickens on April Fool’s Day would you say it was fowl spring weather?
I noticed there was a display of invisible books at the library on April Fools day, but I saw right through it.
Today I got an email from a Nigerian Prince asking me for $100,000 to help him build a business and he would pay me $1,000,000 in return. He must think I am a fool, I already invested in a Prince from Qatar for half the price last week.
For April fools my wife replaced my Alpha-bits with Cheerios. I have no words to say how angry I am.
April Fools’ Day is like a huge open mic night with millions of people going out of their way to demonstrate how unfunny they are.
Due to continuing COVID restrictions, April Fool’s Day has been POSTPONED. I’ll tell you the new date tomorrow.
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four.” – Mark Twain
Happy Friday! With all the stuff going on in the world, baseball is a pretty trivial thing. However, sometimes a little distraction from all that is going on is nice. The baseball players and owners have reached an agreement and soon the crack of the bat will again be heard as players get active in spring training. So, let’s turn to one of the sages of baseball this week for some quotations from Bob Uecker.
“I knew when my career was over. In 1965, my baseball card came out with no picture.”
“The best way to catch a knuckleball is to wait until the ball stops rolling and then pick it up.”
“I set records that will never be equaled. In fact, I hope 90% of them don’t even get printed.”
“They said I was such a great prospect that they were sending me to a winter league to sharpen up. When I stepped off the plane, I was in Greenland.”
“I had a great shoe contract and glove contract with a company who paid me a lot of money never to be seen using their stuff.”
“Career highlights? I had two. I got an intentional walk from Sandy Koufax and I got out of a rundown against the Mets.”
“I led the league in go get ’em next time.”
“When I looked to the third base coach for a sign, he turned his back on me.”
“In 1962 I was named Minor League Player of the Year. It was my second season in the bigs.”
“Baseball hasn’t forgotten me. I go to a lot of old-timers games and I haven’t lost a thing. I sit in the bullpen and let people throw things at me. Just like old times.”
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“Baseball, it is said, is only a game. True. And the Grand Canyon is only a hole in Arizona. Not all holes, or games, are created equal.” ~ George F. Will (American Newspaper Columnist, Writer, and Journalist)