Category Archives: Humor

Friday Funny November 13, 2020 FF Bad Luck Jokes for Friday the 13th

Happy Friday the 13!  Given all that has happened in 2020 perhaps you are really apprehensive about this Friday the 13.  But put aside your paraskevidekatriaphobia, take a deep breath, look bad luck in the eye and give a hearty laugh.

Enjoy!

I hope really hope that you are not really scared of Friday the 13th, because it is bad luck to be superstitious.

My luck is so bad that my personality test came back negative.

My luck is so bad that I switched to Nationwide. They were not on my side.

My luck is so bad that when I had a pet rock, it ran away.

My luck is so bad that I planned my own birthday party and I still was not invited.

My luck is so bad that the last time I tried to be cool I ended up with hypothermia.

Would you call someone down on their luck who does stock photos a poor business model?

The other day I saw someone pushing a cart full of horse shoes and rabbit feet and I thought to myself – now that is really pushing your luck.\

Did you that Garden Gnomes are a supposed to bring you good luck?  Thai is a little gnome fact.

I cut the prong off a fork and am wearing it on a necklace for luck.  You know what they day – third tine’s the charm!

If it were not for negative variance, I would have no variance at all.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“To a brave man, good luck and bad luck are like his right and left hand.  He uses both.” ~ Catherine of Siena

 

Friday Funny November 5, 2020 Feeling A Tad Old

Happy Friday!  The weirdness that is 2020 just keeps on giving.  It will be a year that we will remember, although for me my memory ain’t what it used to be.

Enjoy!

You know you are starting to get old when you have been there and done that, but you can’t remember what “that” was.

You know you are starting to get old when people tell you that you are “retro.”

You know you are starting to get old when see expensive antiques and you know it is just like it that you threw away.

You know you are starting to get told when you old when you buy extra-large print-alphabet soup.

You know you starting to get are old when you stop searching for the meaning of life and focus instead on searching for your car keys

I’ve got the memory of an elephant; I remember this one time that I went to the zoo and saw an elephant.

The other night I ate part of my memory foam mattress again.  I had forgotten how much better it tastes than a traditional mattress.

I was out for a walk the other night and went down a down a street where the homes were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1024K, it was a trip down memory lane.

Did you hear about the mafia Don who had memory issues? He kept making people offers he couldn’t remember.

I am so old that when I was a kid rainbows were black and white.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“You never realize what a good memory you have until you try to forget something.” ~ Franklin Jones

Friday Funny October 30, 2020 Halloween Jokes

Happy Friday and Happy Halloween!  Like everything else in 2020, Trick or Treat will be different.  Just don’t eat all the leftover candy in one sitting!

Enjoy!

Is it true that the most popular vacation destinations ghosts are Mali-boo and the Boohamas?

Is it true that policeman gave the ghost a ticket on Halloween because he didn’t have a haunting license?

Is it true that vampires need mouthwash to get rid of bat breath?

Is it true that to get their hair looking its best witches use sham-BOO and scare spray?

Did you hear about the ghost who went on a diet in an effort to keep her ghoulish figure?

Would you call a haunted chicken a poultry-geist?

Would you call a vampire that lives in the kitchen Count Spatula?

I heard that on Halloween a local eye doctor passes out candy corneas.

Did you know that the scariest animal in the forest is a cari-BOO!~?

Did you know that panda ghosts eat bam-BOO!?

What is in a ghost’s nose?  BOO-gers!

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“There is a child in every one of us who is still a trick-or-treater looking for a brightly-lit front porch.” ~Robert Brault, rbrault.blogspot.com

http://WWW.QUOTEGARDEN.COM

Brushes With Fame: Don Mattingly

The odd 2020 baseball season (but then isn’t everything in 2020 odd?) is coming to an end and as I write this, Game 6 of the World Series is taking place.

The Miami Marlins was a team that faced more adversity than probably any other team during the 2020 season.  Little was expected of them after enduring back-to-back last-place finishes from 2018-19.  Most experts expected them to stay in the cellar for 2020., However, against the odds, Manager Don Mattingly led them to the postseason despite a COVID-19 outbreak, which landed 18 players on the injured list in the first week of the season.  Over the course of the 60 game season, the Marlins ended up making 174 roster moves and used a total of 61 players.

Manager Don Mattingly was rewarded by being named the National League Manager of the Year.  Mattingly was an outstanding player in his 14 season with the New York Yankees; however his postseason career consisted of games in 1995.

My brush with fame and “Donnie Baseball” occurred in 1990.  Mattingly was born and raised in Evansville, Indiana.  Back in the 90’s he still spent time in Evansville and owned a restaurant, Mattingly’s 23.  1990 was a difficult year personally and in the fall was working a job at a bank during the day and took a second job at the Evansville Airport in the evenings and weekends.  One day I had the opportunity to carry Mr. Mattingly’s bags from the luggage carousal to his car.  I would have loved to have received an autograph for my effort,  but alas I did not have any paper or a pen on me.  He did; however, give me $10 for my trouble and at that time I could definitely put the $10 to better use than I could an autograph.  The $10 is long gone, but I have a feeling that I would have kept the autograph.  But at least I can say that I met “Donnie Baseball.”

Friday Funny October 23, 2020 More Jokes That Ring A Bell

Happy Friday!  I know I am behind the curve because I still have a LAN line.  It come in handy when I need to find my cell phone!  Most of the calls that come on it these days are telemarketers or political pitches.  So, this week I dialed up some phone related jokes,

Enjoy!

Is it true that telemarketers don’t have managers, they have ring leaders?

Is it true that it only takes one telemarketer to change a light bulb, but they have to do it while you’re eating dinner? 

Is it true that the hobbit set his cell phone to vibrate because he was afraid the ring would give him away?

The other day I had a call from a telemarketer in Egypt, I think they were trying to sell me on a pyramid scheme. 

If a zombie was a telemarketer would you call him a dead ringer?

Did you hear about the crow who worked as a telemarketer?  He was fired for Just Caws.

I have a friend who really enjoys his job as a telemarketer, it seems he has found his calling.

Last week I went fishing for telephones, but they kept ringing off the hook.

The other night I left my phone under my pillow and when I woke up it was gone and there was a $5 bill in its place.  I think might have been the Bluetooth fairy.

I just can’t picture myself without a camera phone.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Some people get lost in thought because it’s such unfamiliar territory.” ~G. Behn

http://WWW.QUOTEGARDEN.COM

Friday Funny October 16, 2020 Bookish Humor

Happy Friday!  As the days get a bit cooler and shorter, it is a great time to curl up with a good book and maybe a few book jokes too.

Enjoy!

The other day I went to the library and I asked the librarian for a book on Schrodinger’s Cat and Pavlov’s dog.  She said it rang a bell but she didn’t know if it was there or not.

Then I asked where I could find the self-help section.  She just looked and me and told me that if she told me where it was, that would defeat the purpose. 

Then I asked her if they had any books on paranoia.  She leaned over and whispered, “they’re right behind you.”

Then She suggested a book about Stockholm Syndrome.  It had a pretty bad start, but by the end I really liked it.

She also told me that she had won a Lifetime Achievement Award from the Librarians Association, it seems she had a storied career.

Last week, I started reading a book about an immortal dog.  It was impossible to put down

I really liked the Harry Potter books but I think the character of Nearly Headless Nick was pretty poorly executed.

My grandson noticed me read “War and Peace”, and asked, “Why is that book so thick?”  “Well,” I said, “it’s a long story.”

I have written a book on tapeworms.  In hindsight, paper would have been better.

I am considering killing some characters in the book I am writing. I think it would definitely spice up my autobiography.

————————————————————————————————————————–

A chicken walks into a library, and says to the librarian: “Book, book, book.”

The librarian takes three books and hands them to the chicken.

On the way out the chicken runs into a frog and shows him the books and says: “Book, book, book.”

The frog replies: “Reddit, reddit, reddit.”

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Never judge a book by its movie.” ~ J. W. Eagan

 

Robot Curling – The Beginning of the End?

With all that is going on in the world these days, you might have missed the recent news about curling.  OK, if there was nothing going on in the world, you probably would have missed any news about curling.  However, there was development last month that might have some serious implications for the curling world, the sport world, and perhaps humanity itself.

The big curling news was that a robot named Curly (apparently besides being boring, curling types are also not very creative) beat not one, but two elite Korean national teams. If you are not familiar with curling, the sport is sort of a mix of bowling, chess, and sweeping the floor. A player called the “thrower” gently slides a mutant-puck made of granite, aka “stone”, releasing it before crossing  a boundary line, aka “hogline.” The idea is to glide the stone 100 feet down the rink to the target, aka “house.” Then the  opposing team does the same thing, so both teams try accumulate stones in the house. At the end of the round, the team with the stone closest to the center of the target gets a point. If that team has extra stones closer to the center than the opposing team, those tally additional points. Yes, this sounds as riveting as it actually is, aka “not.”

The point is that Curly is actually a big achievement in machine intelligence, one that could have implications for robotics beyond the rink.  Perhaps in the future, you might see robot curling in the Olympics, perhaps that might lead to other robot sports:  robot bob-sledding, robot hockey, robot football, robot boxing, robot baseball.  Who know where it might end?  Perhaps it will go beyond sports to other things.  But before you get too excited about the robot enhanced future watch “The Matrix” or “Terminator.”  I don’t think those movies really went into details of how the robot revolution begain, maybe they started with curlling?

 

Things That Irritate Me – #17 Self-Serve Coffee Preparers

I admit that there are a few things in life that irritate me, my wife would say there are a LOT of things that irritate me.  One of the things that I get irritated and impatient with is the person that tends to be in front of me at the hotel self-serve coffee bar.  I go to the coffee bar at the hotel bar for what, I think is the obvious reason – I would like a cup of coffee.  However, it seems like I always get a person in front of me who either thinks they are auditioning for a career as a barista ore believes that pouring a cup of coffee is some sort of abstract performance art.

My process consists of the following steps:

  1. grab a cup
  2. pour coffee
  3. stir
  4. grab a lid
  5. get out of the way

Depending on how fast the coffee flows out of the decanter, this process can take as little as 5 seconds.

HOWEVER, I the person that inevitably is in front of me at the coffee bar usually goes through the following steps:

  1. thoughtfully select a cup
  2. thoughtfully examine all coffee decanters in view
  3. thoughtfully examine all other items on the coffee bar
  4. fill cup 3/8s full from one decanter
  5. thoughtfully take a sip of coffee
  6. fill cup another 3/8s from another decanter
  7. thoughtfully take a sip of coffee
  8. pick up a sugar packet, shake for 5 seconds, tear and deposit sugar in coffee
  9. stir coffee
  10. thoughtfully take a sip of coffee
  11. pick up another  sugar packet, shake for 5 seconds, tear and deposit sugar in coffee
  12. stir coffee
  13. thoughtfully take a sip of coffee
  14. add half and half to coffee
  15. stir coffee
  16. thoughtfully take a sip of coffee
  17. add honey to coffee
  18. stir coffee
  19. thoughtfully take a sip of coffee
  20. add a touch of cinnamon to coffee
  21. stir coffee
  22. thoughtfully take a sip of coffee
  23. add almond milk to coffee
  24. stir coffee
  25. thoughtfully take a sip of coffee
  26. pick up another  sugar packet, shake for 5 seconds, tear and deposit sugar in coffee
  27. stir coffee
  28. thoughtfully take a sip of coffee
  29. thoughtfully select a lid
  30. put lid on while being certain to remain in the middle of the coffee bar
  31. thoughtfully take a sip of coffee
  32. slowly begin to walk away

While I watch this process takes place, I am certain that several minutes have elapsed and I am now more in need of my coffee than ever.  I approach the coffee bar and 5 seconds later I have my coffee and am on way.  I do notice as I walk away that the person who was in front of me has turned around and is heading back to the coffee bar with a thoughtful look on her face.

Friday Funny September 25, 2020 Fall Jokes

Happy Friday! Happy Fall! Congratulations for surviving the summer of 2020!  Hopefully even as the days grow shorter the outlook will grow brighter.  Don’t stop be-leafing in the wonder of fall!

Enjoy!

I would tell you my autumn joke but you probably wouldn’t fall for it.

Did you hear about the scarecrow who was outstanding in his field?

Is it true that the vehicle of choice for a scarecrow is an Autumn-mobile?

Is it true that leaves fall off of trees in the Autumn because of nostalgia as they are simply trying to get back to their roots?

Would you call a pepper in late autumn a little chili?

Did the apple pie cry because its peelings were hurt?

Do the leaves turn colors at the same time each year because the process is autumnated?

If a tree deserted the forest at the end of fall would it be considered absent without leaves?

Did you know that, in addition to migratory birds, lions also move at the end of summer? It is true that the pride goeth before the fall.

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall – hope you do too!

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

And myriad leaves, on which the Summer wrote
Her blushing farewell, at my feet were strown.
~Albert Laighton (1829–1887), “In the Woods,” c.1859

http://WWW.QUOTEGARDEN.COM

Friday Funny September 17, 2020 – Car Names

Happy Friday!  Some folks believe that what you drive makes a statement about who you are: however, with some of these names I wonder what the marketing department was thinking.

Some of these are still being manufactured, some can still be found on the road and others are long gone, but the names live on.

Enjoy!

MR2 – The Toyota MR2 was a sporty little number whose production stopped in Japan in 2007.  I can hear the marketing genius, “MR some nice cars they’re making these days.”

Cappucino – Just swing by your favorite coffee shop and pick up a Suzuki Cappucino.

Thing – I think the entire marketing department at Volkswagen must have all been on vacation.

Nova – in Spanish – “no va” Translation: “Doesn’t go.”

Dodge Diplomat/Chevrolet – these were not driven by celebrities nor diplomats.

Eclipse – biggest problem is that you can never see it when there is another car parked between it and you.

Prism – what color is it?  Well that depends on how the sun hits it.

Aspire – what does it aspire to?  Being a better car perhaps?

Protégé – it has the potential to one day be a really good car.

Brat – a small ill-mannered and annoying vehicle, isn’t that just what everyone would want?

Yaris – might be a great car, but it sounds like it might be the little brother of Yoda.

Eldorado a car named after a mythical city in South America– did this car really exist or is it just a legend?

Fury  – the ideal car for road rage before we had a name for road rage.

Excel – the perfect car for accountants or anyone who likes spreadsheets.

Fusion –  maybe if you drive fast enough it liquefies or explodes.

Meteor – does it glow brighter the faster you drive it until it blows up into tiny pieces?

Gremlin – it did sort of look like it had been manufactured by a band of small mischievous gnomes.

Hornet – name a car after a pesky, stinging insect? 

Leaf – does it turn brown and blow away in the fall?

Monte Carlo – every time you turn the key, it’s a gamble.

Satellite – has a tendency to just circle the parking lot over and over again.

Probe – I won’t even touch this one

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers. ~Dave Barry, “Things That It Took Me 50 Years to Learn”

http://WWW.QUOTEGARDEN.COM