Category Archives: Humor

Ghosts of Christmas’ Past – Christmas Cards

Christmas cards spear to be a fading tradition of Christmas.  Christmas cards began gaining popularity in the later part of the 19th century.  The custom of that time among more affluent families was to leave ‘calling cards’ when visiting someone’s house.  This lead to Christmas themed cards which eventually lead to the Christmas cards we are familiar with today.

I remember growing up we would tape the Christmas cards that we received around the inside of the front door and by Christmas there would be  cards taped all up and down both sides of the door.  Even after I was an adult and out on my own sending and receiving Christmas cards was a vital part of the Holiday season.  The daily trip to the mail box included a little excitement as you wondered who you might hear from today.  The arrival of a card would bring to mind friends and relatives that perhaps had not been heard from since the prior Christmas.  It was even better if the card included a picture or a letter.  I have one cousin who would could always manage to make her letter rhyme.  

It does not take a statistician to see that the number of Christmas Cards being mailed is on the decline.  We have received and mailed oly a handful of cards this year.  The obvious cause is the arrival of electronic communication and social media.  On one had it is great to hear from and see pictures of many more folks on a much more regular basis than once a year.  On the other hand, there is something  that I miss about those Christmas cards that helped make this wonderful season even a little brighter.

I am as guilty as the next person and you prob ably will not be receiving a card from me this year but that does not mean that I no longer care to send the very best, it simply means that the times, they are a changin’ and I am trying to change with them.  So here is wishing you and yours a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

© 2019 LeonardsLines.com

Friday Funny December 20, 2019 Short Christmas Jokes

Happy Friday!  Christmas and Hanukkah are just a few days away.  Here are a few seasonal jokes chosen just for that hard to shop for person on your list.

Enjoy!

If Santa Clause fell into the fireplace would he become Krisp Kringle?
 
Is it true that the one reindeer who needs to mind his manners the most is Rude-olph?
 
Is it true that the reindeer who has the cleanest antlers is Comet?
 
Is it true that Santa’s reindeer favorite place for lunch is Deery Queen?
 
Would you call a scary reindeer a cari-boo?

Do Gingerbread Men put cookie sheets on their beds?
 
Would you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time Sandy Claus?

If you crossed an iPad with a Christmas tree would you get a pineapple?
 
If Santa walks backwards does he go “oh oh oh”?
 
Q: What’s red, white and blue at Christmas time?  A: A sad candy cane!

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“No man is a failure who has friends.” — It’s a Wonderful Life

Memorable Christmas Presents – Bowling Ball

We are down to the last handful of shopping days until Christmas and I am again pondering the ghosts of Christmas presents past.  I recall asking for a bowling ball for Christmas when I was in high school, back before I determined that bowling just really was not up my alley (sorry I should have spared you from that pun… and that one as well).  

I was in a bowling league with some friends during my junior and senior years of high school.  The senior year team chose “The Spanish Inquisition” as our team name and we purged those pins well enough to end up in second place at the end of the season.  I have not bowled in a league since then, but I still have my Gem bowling ball that has traveled with me as I have moved from state to state and house to house over the years.  

The ball may be over 40 years old but it still works and amazingly it still fits! How many Christmas presents still work and fit after that long? I presently went  ruminating through the basement looking for my old bowling ball and bag to use for a company Thanksgiving Turkey-bowl.  I have been bowling maybe 2 times in the last five years but figured I might as well take my own ball it might give the impression that I had some clue as to what I was doing.  So with my old companion with me I stepped onto the lane for my first roll and promptly deposited the ball in the left-side gutter before touching a single pin.  However, I was not deterred.  I refocused my thoughts and tried to remember those glory days from my youth and managed a strike in the second frame and the third frame and the fourth frame and the fifth frame!  I returned to reality after that but finished with a 166 that was, tied for the high score for the outing and was able to help my team bring home turkeys, literally.  

As you look for those last gifts on your shopping list just remember that some gifts will break, some will wear out, some will be outgrown, some will go out of style, but a bowling ball will last forever.

© 2019 LeonardsLines.com

Snow Reminders

In southwestern Ohio, December has been pretty mild so far.  But, as they say, all good things must come to an end and it appears that winter is starting to make its presence known.  Today started dreary and cool  Early evening has brought lower temperatures and the snow began falling and no doubt has brought life as we know it to an end.  

I am reminded of several things that we should know but somehow we forget annually between the thaw of spring and the first snow.  I have a theory that for many people there is a part of the brain that hibernates or perhaps freezes during the winter so that any knowledge that is gained during the winter months is lost when the brain thaws or awakes from hibernation in the spring.  Whatever the case, here are a few things that the vast majority of people somehow manage to forget and therefore must be reminded of each year when snow comes.

First, 83% of adults forget that bridges freeze before roadways.  Even though a sign attesting to this fact is posted on the majority of the bridges north of the equator year round,  we need news anchors, meteorologists and traffic reporters to remind us with excited amazement one might expect of an announcement for a cure for heart disease that we need to be careful on bridges and overpasses because they freeze first!

Second, 87% of people are unable to recall what a snow plow is used for or what a salt dome looks like.  The first snow is an occasion which requires every field reporter to show up with a cameraman at the salt dome to show us a live picture of snow plows being loaded with salt to head out to treat the roads.  These same people need to be reminded that salt is, in fact, used to melt ice on the roads.

Third, despite the reminders that the roads can be hazardous when it snows, 97% of drivers have completely forgotten how to drive when it snows.  The concepts of “slow-down” and “assured clear distance” are comprehended by the masses to the same degree that classical Greek is understood.

Lastly, 99% of the people,  having zero recollection of one or more of the items above feel some sort of unexplained compulsion to get in their cars and drive to the grocery store to purchase sufficient quantities of milk, bread and eggs to make enough French Toast to feed everyone in China.  These people refuse to accept that deliveries will be made to stores when there is an inch of snow on the ground.

Perhaps you should print this out and put it is a safe place where you can pull it out next year and we can all get off to a smoother start the first time it snows.

© 2019 LeonardsLines.com

Friday Funny December 13, 2019 Elf Jokes

Happy Friday and Ho! Ho! Ho! Christmas is less than two weeks away and it seems like everyone is busy with Holiday preparations.  Perhaps no one is busier than all the little folks up at the toy shop at the North Pole, the Elves.  So, in their honor here are a few jokes to kick off your weekend.

Enjoy!

Would you call one of Santa’s helpers who is greedy Elfish?

Would you call someone wo makes toy guitars and sings “Blue Christmas” Elfis?

Would you call someone who lives at the North Pole, builds toys and rides in a pumpkin Cinder-Elf-a?

Would you call an Elf who sings a wrapper?

Would you call a holistic Elf doctor a gnome-opath?

When little Elves get home from school do they have to do their gnome work?

Is it true that the most popular car for elves is a Toy-ota?

Is it true that the first thing that Elves have to do when they arrive for work is to YULE LOGon their computer?

How many Elves does it take to change a light bulb?  Ten –  One to change the light bulb and nine to stand on each other’s shoulders.

Does Santa pay Elves with jingle bills?

Did Santa’s helper go to the doctor because he had low “Elf” esteem?

If Santa rides in a sleigh do Elves ride in Mini vans?

On his 1040 does Santa list his status as Elf-employed?

Did Rudolph go to public school or was he Elf-taught?

Do Santa’s Helpers use their phones to take Elfies?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“The only real blind person at Christmas-time is he who has not Christmas in his heart.” ~ Helen Keller

Memorable Christmas Presents – Tudor Electric Football

Madden NFL is one of the most popular electronic football games debuted in 1988. According to EA Sports, this game “captures the emotion and intensity of the NFL like never before.” The game allows you to control your favorite teams and NFL superstars and lets you “feel what it’s like to play on Sundays. “ You are in control, you can choose the play, you can call an audible, you can pick the angle from which you watch the game, you can zoom in, you can zoom out. Then when the play is over you can watch a reply from a multitude of angles. In other words, it is just too complicated for an old guy like me.

However, I remember back when John Madden was an actual coach if the Oakland Raiders.  During that time the big item on my Christmas wish list was  a “state of the art” (for that time) football game – Tudor Electric Football. This modern marvel allowed you to play football on a metal field.  The game included plastic players that  were placed on the metal field in formations that allegedly looked “like a real football set-up.”  The “football” was a football-shaped piece of felt that retained the football shape for about two plays out of the box and thereafter looked like a piece of pocket lent.

Ideally there were two players.  Once all the players were set in their proper places on offense and defense the game was turned and then the real magic began.  The switch activated a small electric motor causing the field to vibrate which made the players, as described by the Tudor folks, “move around the field just like real football.” That might be true if real football players were all hooked up to jumper cables carrying 1000 kw. The play was over when a player was “tackled” which was defined as any part of his base being touched by any part of a base of any player on the other team.

Each player was attached to a base with little plastic prongs.  The prongs were there to allow you to guide how they moved, or so they said.  In reality mist players tended to just make odd little circles,  The play continued until the circle of the offensive player with the ball intersected with a circle of one of the defensive players. So, a great deal of time would be taken between each play as I would set-up all my players just the way I needed them for a great play – then as soon as I hit the switch, I would watch them all start jumping around in circles and falling over on their sides.

We would play this for awhile trying to get the game to have some abstract resemblance to “real football.” Then,as now, I would determine this high tech stuff was just too complicated for me.  The result would be something that just is totally shocking today.We would grab a real football shaped football and go to some real grass that was really outside with other real kids where we would try to “move around just like real football” and actually play football.

 

© 2019 LeonardsLines.com

Aluminum Christmas Trees

Thanksgiving is over and the holiday season is in full swing.  I enjoy seeing the neighborhood lights and the decorations in our house.  My wife has our tree up. I should say trees, there are too many ornaments for one tree, so we end up with one large tree and two or three small trees which spreads the spirit throughout the house.   

This is a lot different than the decorating that I remember from my childhood.  Occasionally we had a live tree but when I am visited by Ghosts of Christmas Past there is one tree that stands out and it was an aluminum tree.  It was not an artificial tree that was supposed to look like a real tree, it was a silver tree that was supposed to be futuristic, I guess in those early days of the space age we were dreaming of living like The Jetsons.

Aluminum trees began to show up in the 1950s and quickly caught on but, thankfully, just as quickly fell out of favor by the end of the 1960s.  The aluminum Christmas tree even made an appearance in the holiday classic A Charlie Brown Christmas where Charlie Brown used it to symbolize the commercialization of Christmas.

The most enjoyable part of putting up the aluminum tree was pulling the branches out of the paper sleeves that they were stored in (I guess these kept the branches “fresh” while in storage). Branches were inserted into drilled holes in the base and voilà!  –  you had a tree that looked anything but real.  Add some colored ball-shaped ornaments and the job was finished.  No need for tinsel, that would just be redundant.  For fire safety reasons, lights were eschewed, they might cause a short.  But there was an accessory that could be added: a spot light with a rotating three color wheel!  An even more dramatic effect could be added by having a rotating tree stand.  I guess I came from a deprived childhood because we did not have the rotating stand or the rotating color wheel, But it was festive to me and it meant Christmas was coming soon.

Somehow, I managed to survive and have many joyous memories of childhood Christmases.  I enjoy the Christmas season, I enjoy our tree and its ornaments; however, I am fine with a tree that looks like a tree and I do not long to ever have another aluminum Christmas tree.

 

© 2019 LeonardsLines.com