Category Archives: Humor

Friday Funny September 2, 2022 Jokes You Have to Work For

Happy Friday and Welcome to September.  We are at the unofficial end of summer and the Labor Day Weekend is upon us. Let’s kick off the long weekend with some work-related humor.

Enjoy!

My memory has gotten so bad it has actually caused me to lose my job. I’m still employed. I just can’t remember where.

I took a position as a security guard, my boss said that it was my job to watch the office. I’m currently on season 5.

On my way to work today, I saw a person dragging a clam on a leash behind him. I thought, it must be hard to walk with a pulled mussel. 

Would you call the boss at Old McDonald’s farm the C-I-E-I-O?

My boss asked me to roundup 18 employees quickly. I responded, “20.”

In my last performance review, I was told that my communication skills needed improvement. I didn’t know what to say.

I think that of all the inventions of the last century, the dry erase board is probably the most remarkable.

I heard that fewer and fewer people are going into archeology because the field is basically in ruins.

I asked if I could leave work early today, and my boss said, “yes, if you make up the time.” I said, “sure, it’s sixty-five past fifteen.”

My wife tells me I talk in my sleep all the time. But I’m skeptical. Nobody at work ever mentions it.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.”~
C.S. Lewis

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Friday Funny August 26, 2022 The Jokes Dreams Are Made Of

Happy Friday!  Usually, I have little trouble getting to sleep, but last night was not a usual night and I tossed and turned into the wee hours of the night.  So, why not some sleep jokes for this Friday?

Enjoy!

I heard that mountains are always tired because they don’t Everest.

The other night I was having trouble getting to sleep.  I scooted over to the edge of the bed and shortly thereafter I dropped off.

The other night I was dreaming that I wrote ‘The Lord Of The Rings.’ Apparently, I was Tolkien in my sleep.

Last week I slept with my Smartphone under my head and downloaded a nap.

I have started taking a ruler with me to bed so I can see how long I sleep.

Lately I am not sure whether you I have insomnia or amnesia and I am losing sleep trying to remember which one it is.

Did you know that when a lawyer needs a bed, he goes to a mattress firm?

Would you call a a sleepy woodcutter, a slumberjack?

Is it true that dragons usually sleep during the day because they fight knights?

Is it true that candles cannot get any sleep because there’s no rest for the wick-ed?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Many things — such as loving, going to sleep, or behaving unaffectedly — are done worst when we try hardest to do them.” ~ C.S. Lewis

Friday Funny August 19, 2022 Back to School Jokes

Happy Friday!  Summer is coming to an end and school has started for many.  Let’s kick off a new school year with some corny school jokes!

Enjoy!

Is it true that the nose did not want to go to school because he was tired of getting picked on?

Is it true that the best way get straight A’s is by using a ruler?

I heard that calculators make great friends because you can always count on them?

Is it true that math books always look sad because they are full of problems?

Would you call a superhero in a computer class a screen saver?

I heard about an M&M that decided go to school because it really wanted to be a smartie.

Did you hear about the Lightening Bug who got bad grades at school because he was no very bright?

I read a story about a geography student who drown because all his grades below C-level.

Did you hear about the music teacher who was recruited to play baseball because he had a perfect pitch?

Is it true that surfers go to Boarding School?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“The capacity to learn is a gift; the ability to learn is a skill; the willingness to learn is a choice.” ~ Brian Herbert

Friday Funny August 12, 2022 If You Tell Corny Jokes, They Will Laugh (Maybe)

Happy Friday!  This evening, as I prepare this, the “Field of Dreams” Baseball Game is taking place in Iowa between the Reds and Cubs.  So, in honor of Field of Dreams, here are some of the corniest jokes I could find.

Enjoy!

Is it true that melons do not have weddings because they cantaloupe.

Did you hear about the sailor who could not learn the alphabet?  It seems he kept getting lost at C.

Is it true that grass is dangerous because it is full of blades?

Is it true that the best way to tell a dogwood tree is by its bark?

If two snails get into a fight, do they slug it out?

Is it true that the most condescending bear is the pan-duh?

Would you call a priest who becomes a lawyer a father-in-law?

Is it true that cows have hooves and not feet because they lactose?

Is it true that Waldo only wears striped shirts because he doesn’t want to be spotted?

Is it true that pancakes do well at baseball because they have a better batter?

I read that swords will never become obsolete because they are cutting edge technology.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“The earth produces by itself, first the blade, then the ear, then the full grain in the ear. “ ~ Mark 4:28

Friday Funny August 5, 2022 Jokes You May or May Not Care For

Happy Friday! We all have those days that it is just a little harder to get motivated – these jokes are for days like that.

Enjoy!

I read a story the other day about an apathetic man who died.  Apparently, it was a shrug overdose.

I read another story this week about a new drug that makes its users apathetic, it’s called Crystal Meh.

And in a related story, I read where scientists have recently discovered a virus that increases the apathy of those infected, apparently no one seems to care.

What does an apathetic pastry Chef say? “I doughnut care.”

Would you call an apathetic Russian a So-be-it?

Would you call an apathetic cow, emoo-tionless?

Is the most apathetic island in the Pacific the I-don’t-care-Atoll?

Last year I joined the local apathetic club. No one cared enough to attend the meetings, though.

This year I set a goal to read the entire dictionary but for whatever reason I lost all interest and stopped somewhere around “apathy.”

Apparently my wife thinks that I am pretty apathetic; however I just realized that the “a” is silent.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Tolerance and apathy are the last virtues of a dying society.” ~ Aristotle

Friday Funny July 29, 2022 Today I Am Feeling Old

Happy Friday and Happy End of July!  Some days I look around me and I just feel old – today is one of those days.

Enjoy!

I’m so old that I remember when the high beam button was on the floorboard.

I’m so old that I remember having to spin the wheel to make a phone call.

I’m so old that I remember punch cards and even had to use them to write a computer program.

I’m so old that I remember walking across the room to change the TV station – and there were only 3 to choose from.

I‘m so old that I remember having 33, 45 and 78 rpm recordings.

I’m so old that I remember when cutting edge music was on vinyl THEN cassette THEN 8 track THEN CD’s THEN streaming.

I’m so old that I remember using the card catalog and the Readers’ Guide to Periodical Literature.

I’m so old that I remember when baseball cards came with a stick of very hard bubblegum.

I’m so old that I remember mimeograph pages and thermal faxes.

I’m so old that I remember when Saturday morning was about the only time you could see cartoons.

I’m so old I remember when the Borden Milk Man delivered to your door.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“I am so old that I can remember when other people’s achievements were considered to be an inspiration, rather than a grievance.” ~ Thomas Sowell

Friday Funny July 22, 2022

Happy Friday!  It seems like people are getting sillier every day.  I do not know why, but this week I wanted to share about some of my silly friends.

Enjoy!

I had a friend who is so silly, she put lipstick on her forehead to make up her mind.

I had a friend who is so silly, he went to the dentist to get a Bluetooth.

I had a friend who is so silly, she put airbags on her computer in case it crashed.

I had a friend who is so silly, he took a ruler to bed to see how long he slept.

I had a friend who is so silly, she wonders why so many people tell her that running is bad for your niece.

I had a friend who is so silly, he tripped over a cordless phone.

I had a friend who is so silly, she thinks Fleetwood Mac was a new hamburger at McDonald’s.

I had a friend who is so silly, he thought Dunkin’ Donuts was a new expansion team in the NBA.

I had a friend who is so silly, she thought Tiger Woods was a forest in India.

I had a friend who is so silly, he thought Tupac Shakur was a Jewish Holiday.

I had a friend who is so silly, she uses Old Spice for cooking.

I had a friend who was so silly, he thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.” ~ W.C. Fields

Friday Funny July 15, 2022 Inflation Jokes

Happy Friday! The economy seems to be taking its lumps these days and the price of everything is on the way up. I cannot help you with the prices, but I can offer you a laugh or two about them.

Enjoy!

In today’s economy, it seems like if you can finally make ends meet, inflation moves the ends.

Inflation is a lot like toothpaste, once it is out, it is very difficult to get it back in again.

I went to one of those internet sites that will estimate the value of your car.  It asked if the tank was empty or full.

I heard that the price of grapes has gone up because there was a raisin demand.

Now that Tom Brady has retired from football, I heard he is considering running for President. His platform will be lowering inflation.

I think I am a walking illustration of today’s economy: my hairline is in recession and my stomach is a victim of inflation – put these together and I am heading toward deep depression.

I remember as a kid I would put air in my bike tires for free. Now it’s $1.50! I guess that is because of “inflation.”

Inflation is bad, the other day I paid twenty dollars for the ten-dollar haircut I used to get for five dollars when I had more hair.

Inflation is really getting out of hand, but that is just my 4 1/2 cents.

I think there are a lot of jokes about inflation these days because demand has increased following a period of low interest….

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Every short statement about economics is misleading (with the possible exception of my present one).” ~ Alfred Marshall

Friday Funny July 8, 2022 Computer Jokes

Happy Friday! Computers have infiltrated pretty much every aspect of our life, so we might as well have some computer jokes as well.

Enjoy!

Is it true that the computer was tired when it got home because if had had a hard drive?

Is it true that the computer crossed the road because it was programmed by a chicken?

If you crossed a computer programmer with an athlete, would you get a disk-us thrower?

Did the computer sneeze because if had a virus?

When computers get hungry do they eat chips?

The other day I went to a restaurant and a computer came up to me and said, “I’ll be your server today.”

My co-workers call me “The Computer”.  It has nothing to do with my intelligence. I just go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes

If you think that your computer, laptop and phone spying on you is scary then think again, because your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.

Is it true that after work computer programmers go out and grab a byte?

Our computers went down at work today so we had to do everything manually.  It took me a few minutes to shuffle the cards for Solitaire.

I was going to tell more jokes about computers, but they are not very PC.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Never trust a computer you can’t throw out a window” ~Steve Wozniak

Friday Funny July 2, 2022 Jokes for 4th

Happy Friday and Happy 4th of July.  Wishing you a happy and safe holiday weekend.

Enjoy!

Why are there so few knock-knock jokes about America?

Because freedom rings!

What kind of tea did the American colonists drink?

Liber-tea!

What did the colonists wear to the Boston Tea Party?

Tea-shirts!

 Who was the biggest jokester in George Washington’s army?

Laugh-ayette!

Why were the first Americans like ants?

They lived in colonies!

Why did Paul Revere ride his horse from Boston to Lexington?

Because the horse was too heavy to carry!

What is the best sport to play on the 4th of July?

Flag football.

What did the ghost say on the 4th of July?

 “Red, White and Boo!”

Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? 

At the bottom of the page!

Why did George Washington have trouble sleeping? 

Because he could not lie!

 THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“I like to see a man proud of the place in which he lives. I like to see a man live so that his place will be proud of him.” ~ Abraham Lincoln