Category Archives: Humor

Friday Funny January 30,2026 How Cold Is It?

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Happy Friday!  It is January and it is snowy and it is very cold.  How cold is it you ask?  Well, let me tell you.

Enjoy!

It is so cold the temperature is lower than the Fed Funds Rate.

It is so cold that people are wearing two pair of pajamas to shop at Wal-Mart.

It is so cold that politicians are putting their hands in their own pockets.

It is so cold that Starbucks is serving coffee on a stick.

It is so cold that I intentionally spilled hot coffee on my lap.

It is so cold that we aren’t cleaning the house, we are defrosting it.

It is so cold that we stopped vacuuming and just run the snow blower over the carpet.

It was so cold that I have been shivering more than a mobster in the IRS office.

It is so cold that the bank told me that all my funds were frozen.

It is so cold that disco dancing is becoming popular again, not because of the music but because of all the warm lights.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories.” ~ Deborah Keer

Friday Funny January 23, 2026 Jokes That Are Legal In Every State

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Happy Friday!  You might get caught red-handed laughing at these jokes.

Enjoy!

I read a news story about a cybercriminal who got away.  It said he ransomware.

I read a news story about a criminal who murders at railway stations.  The police think they are on the right track.

I read a news story about a robber who stole a rare and valuable book about Stradivarius.  Police are warning the public not to approach him, he has a history of violins.

I read a news story about a criminal who stole a valuable lamp, he got a very light sentence.

I read a news story about a man who has been breaking into farms and stealing cows.  Apparently, he is a male with a large moo-stash.

Local police have recently acquired 1,000 bees.  They might be used as part of a sting operation.

If you put an organized criminal in hot water, would you have mobster bisque?

A truck load of Brillo pads was stolen last night. Police are currently scouring the area.

Someone broke into my office and stole all the coffee cups.  This afternoon I am going to the police station to look at some mugshots.

A am trying to decide of I would rather become a novelist or a career criminal, I guess I am weighing the prose and cons.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“I think crime pays. The hours are good, you meet a lot of interesting people, you travel a lot.” ~ Woody Allen

Friday Funny January 16, 2026 Jokes To Sleep On

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Happy Friday! It is winter, the days are short and the nights are cold, bears hibernate and I tend to sleep more.  Let’s have some sleep jokes.

Enjoy!

The other night I had a dream that I was a muffler, I woke up exhausted.

The other night I had a dream I was a battery; I woke up feeling recharged.

The other night I had a dream I was swimming in an ocean filled with orange soda, but it was just a Fanta Sea.

The other night, I had a dream about the Roman numerals 5, 4, 1, and 500. It was VIVID.

The other night I had a dream about a color I had never seen before, it turned out to be just a pigment of my imagination.

The other night I had a disturbingly long dream that I was making a salad, I was tossing all night.

The other night I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram, I was like 0mg.

For the last several weeks, I have had a dream that I am chandelier, turns out I am a light sleeper.

I recently started sleeping in a herb garden.  Now. I wake up on thyme.

I have this condition where I tend to eat on nights that I have trouble sleeping, it is called insom-nom-nom-nom-nia.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Day is over, night has come. Today is gone, what’s done is done. Embrace your dreams through the night. Tomorrow comes with a whole new light.” ~George Orwell

Friday Funny January 9, 2026 New Year! More Jokes!

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Happy Friday! Happy New Year.  I hope that 2026 will be a good year for you and yours.  A New Year will offer more Friday jokes.

Enjoy!

This New Year’s Eve, I stated making breakfast just before midnight so that I could make a New Year’s toast.

This New Year’s Eve, I stood on my left leg at midnight so that I could start the year on the right foot.

This New Year’s Eve, I sprinkled sugar on my pillow so that I could start the year with sweet dreams.

This New Year’s Eve, I stopped by my local tire shop.  I wanted a Goodyear.

This New Year’s Eve, someone gave me a Hershey, but I was hoping for a midnight Kiss.

This New Year’s Eve, I shoplifted a calendar.  I got 12 months.

Someone offered me a box of raisins on New Year’s Eve. but I already had a date.

For the New Year. I want to read more, so I turned on the closed captioning on my TV.

I make losing weight my New Year’s resolution, but I hate losing.

I heard that Dr. Frankenstein’s New Year’s resolution was to make new friends.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.” ~ C.S. Lewis

The Night Before Christmas In The Digital Age

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It is Christmas Eve, so time for me once again to apologize to Clement Clarke Moore and share my adaptation of his classic for the digital age.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Enjoy!

‘Twas the day before Christmas, when at my house

I was at the computer, moving the mouse;

It was time for another Friday Funny, does anyone care

If in the morning, the email inbox has a funny there?

Two of my boys were still nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of homemade cookies danced in their heads;

While mamma was working, I was off for the day,

It seemed like there was nothing funny for me to say,

When out on the Internet there arose such a clatter,

I sprang to my browser to see what was the matter.

Away to another window I flew like a flash,

Hoping as always that my computer would not crash.

The back-lighting of the monitor produced a glow

Which gave a slight luster to objects below,

As I wondered from web site to web site what should appear,

But a miniature sleigh jpg, complete with reindeer,

With a little driver icon, so lively and quick, I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.

More rapid than dsl downloads his cursers they came,

And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

“Now, Yahoo! now, Google! now, Facebook and Amazon!

On, ebay! on youtube! on, myspace and ask.com!

To the top of the screen! to the top of the wall!

Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!”

As deleted lines that before the backspace button fly,

When they meet with a click, mount to the sky,

So up to the screen-top the cursers they flew,

With a file full of toys, and St. Nicholas too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the speaker

The prancing and pawing of each little squeaker.

As I drew in my hand, and was scrolling around,

Downloading an mpeg, St. Nicholas came with a bound.

He was digitally dressed from his head to his foot,

And his clothes were photo-shopped with ashes and soot;

A bundle of toys he had superimposed on his back,

And he looked like a Trojan file just opening his pack.

His eyes — they pulsated! his dimples they grew!

His cheeks had roses painted on them, his nose was blue!

His droll little mouth transfigured to a bow,

And the beard of his chin turned into white snow;

His pipe was a tree stump he held tight in his teeth,

And the smoke wafted up and became a green wreath;

He had a broad face and a little round belly,

That shook, when he laughed and turned into jelly.

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,

And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;

Two winking eyes and a fast spinning head,

Soon gave me to know I had no virus to dread;

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

He backed up my hard drive; then turned with a jerk,

And laying his finger aside of his nose,

And giving a nod, up the window he rose;

He sprang to his jpg, to his team gave a whistle,

And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.

But I heard him exclaim, ere he deleted his cookie from sight,

“Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.”

© 2019 LeonardsLines.com

Friday Funny December 19, 2025 More Christmas Jokes for 2025

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Happy Friday!  I hope you have your shopping done and your decorations are up because Christmas is less than one week away!  So, here are some more Christmas jokes to get you ready.

Enjoy!

Did you know that Captain Nemo never gets any presents from Santa because he is always on the Nautilus.

If someone is not sure about whether Santa exists or not would you call him an eggnogstic?

I read that Santa’s computer system has been hacked.  I knew he should not have accepted all those cookies.

Be sure to read all the terms and conditions on the Christmas present you receive, they are, after all, the Santa clauses.

Did you hear about the rope that did not get any presents from Santa because he was on the Knotty List?

It has been such a good year at the North Pole that Santa bought new cars for all his elves, it is a whole fleet of  Toy-otas.

I heard that Elton John wanted the lead role in the Santa Claus movies, but they turned him down for the part because he only has a tiny Dancer.

Did you know that the only letter to receive presents from Santa is the Letter E?  All the all the other letters are not E.

Did you know that Santa is able to enter any home on Christmas Eve even without a search warrant because he has Probable Claus?

Do you know where does Santa goes to buy stuff for the naughty kids? Kohl’s.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“For it is good to be children sometimes, and never better than at Christmas, when its mighty Founder was a child Himself.” ~ Charles Dickens, “A Christmas Carol”

Friday Funny November 21. 2025 Thanksgiving Jokes 2025

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Happy Friday! It is hard to believe that Thanksgiving is less than a week away!  As we enter into another holiday season, I want to wish you the best!

Enjoy!

I heard that the best Thanksgiving sides are delivered by Yam-azon.

I heard that the mashed potatoes crossed the road to get to the other sides.

Did you hear about the turkey who was a bad bowling?  Nothing but gutterballs.

At Thanksgiving dinner, do chemistry students sit at the periodic table?

Is the most popular side at the kids’ table crayon-berry sauce?

If you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter, do you get pumpkin pi?

Is the part that green beans play in Thanksgiving dinner known as the casse-role?

If you want to make Thanksgiving s’mores do you use Pil-grahams?

 On the day after the first Thanksgiving did the Pilgrims return to the Mayflower to hoist the Black Friday sail?

I have talking salt and pepper shakers I put out for Thanksgiving, the say, “Seasoning’s greetings!”

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures.” ~ Thorton Wilder

Friday Funny November 14, 2025McRib-tickling Jokes Only For A Limited Time.

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Happy Friday!  I saw the other day that the McRib, the fruit cake of sandwiches is back for a limited time.  So, here are some McDonald’s jokes for you to chew on.

Enjoy!

The McRib is made from ground boneless pork shoulder, not rib meat. The ground pork is mixed with water, spices, and other ingredients to create a patty that is then shaped to look like a rack of ribs and slathered in barbecue sauce.  It is just a Mcfigment if your imagination.

Given the success of McRib, McDonalds is considering a new sandwich made entirely of beef lips.  They plan on calling it the McJagger.

A few years ago, McDonald’s tried to get into the high-end steakhouse market, it, it turned out to be a Big Mcsteak.

Did you know that McDonald’s is planning on making a Shakespearen play? It’s called McBeth

Is it true that the computer used by Ronald McDonald is a big Mac with virus protection by McAfee?

I went to McDonalds today and ordered two large fries, but instead they gave me lot of little ones.

How does Ronald McDonald introduce his girlfriend?  Meet Patty.

The other day, I went to McDonald’s and ate a kids meal.  His parents were not happy.

Ronald McDonald started jogging, but he couldn’t ketchup.

I heard that Gerry Rafferty of Stealers Wheel is buried in the same graveyard as Ronald McDonald and Heath Ledger.  Turns out he has a clown to the left of him and a joker to the right.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“No one of us is more important than the rest of us.” ~ Ray Kroc

Friday Funny November 7, 2025 Am I Dumb?

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Happy Friday!  Sometimes I do things that make me feel dumb,

Enjoy! 

Would you think that I am dumb if I told you that I went to the dentist to get my Bluetooth fixed?

Would you think that I am dumb if I told you that I went to the library to checkout Facebook?

Would you think that I am dumb if I told you that I tried to go swimming on a pool table?

Would you think that I am dumb if I told you that I once climbed over a glass wall to see what was on the other side?

Would you think that I am dumb if I told you that I put a watch in a piggybank to save time?

Would you think that I am dumb if I told you that I thought Daylight Savings was a bank?

Would you think that I am dumb if I told you that I thought light sabers had fewer calories?

Would you think that I am dumb if I told you that I once sent a fax with a stamp on it?

Would you think that I am dumb if I told you that I thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats?

Would you think that I am dumb if I told you that I bought Norton antivirus when I had a cold?

Would you think that I am dumb if I told you that I stopped running because people kept telling me that running was bad for my niece?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.” ~ Albert Einstein

Friday Funny October 31, 2025 Jokes Dressed For Halloween

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Happy Friday!  Happy Halloween!  I rounded up some Halloween jokes for you.  There are not any skeleton jokes, I do not find them humerus.

Enjoy!

I once dressed up as a Brillo pad for Halloween, but it was just too abrasive for some people.

I once dressed up as a harp for Halloween.  Someone told me that my costume was too short to be a harp.  I think they were calling me a lyre.

I once dressed up as a spoon for Halloween.  I was a cereal killer.

I once dressed up as a horse for Halloween.  I was a real night mare.

I once dressed up as a cat for Halloween.  But I was allergic to the costume and ended up not feline well.

One Halloween I wore a sheet covered with picture of jalapenos.  I was a Ghost Pepper.

One Halloween I just carried a sign that said, “I love ceilings.” Someone asked me what I was supposed to be, I simply said, “I’m a ceiling fan.”

I was thinking about buying a police costume for Halloween. But I am cheap, so I think I will just go undercover.

I was thinking of dressing up as a Band-Aid for Halloween.  But I think it would be hard to pull off.

I think the term “Halloween costume” is outdated.  I think we should use the term “occultural appropriation.”

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“We all go a little mad sometimes.” ~ Norman Baters, Psycho