Category Archives: Humor

Friday Funny October 13, 2017 Vampire Truths

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Happy Friday the 13th!  We are at the middle of October, the days are shorter, the leaves are turning and Halloween is just around the corner.  Seems like a good time to ponder some truths about vampires.

Enjoy!

Is it true that vampires cross the sea in blood vessels?

Is it true that the vampire took up acting because it was in his blood?

Is it true that the vampire had a broken heart because he had loved in vein?

Is it true that when the vampire had a cold he took some coffin medicine?

Is it true that vampires do not have many friends because they are a pain in the neck?

Is it true that if you take a vampire to the circus that he goes straight for the juggler?

Is it true that a vampire’s favorite ice cream flavor is vein-illa?

Is it true that vampires only drive on the interstates because they are considered the main arteries?

Is it true that the vampire failed art school because the only thing he could draw was blood?

Is true that vampires fall in love at first bite?

Is it true that the vampire purchased mouthwash because he had bat breath?

Is it true that vampires keep their money at the blood bank?

Is it true that the vampire subscribed to USA Today because  it has the best circulation?

Thought for the Week

Listen! the wind is rising,
and the air is wild with leaves.
We have had our summer evenings,
now for October eves.
~Humbert Wolfe, P.L.M.: Peoples, Landfalls, Mountains, 1936

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny October 6, 2017 More Random Jokes

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Happy first Friday in October!  The year continues to march on and I continue to find more bad jokes.  Have a great weekend.

Enjoy!

I saw that this week marks the anniversary of the premiere of The Flintstones.  I have heard that people in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones.   However, people in Abu Dhabi do!

The other day I received a photo in the mail from one of those speeding cameras. I sent it right back, it was way too expensive and the quality was rather grainy.

I bought my friend an elephant for his room. He said “Thanks.” I said “Don’t mention it”

Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says “I think we’ve got this joke wrong”

Communism jokes aren’t funny unless everyone gets them.

What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? Aye matey!

Is it true that koalas are not actual bears because they do not meet all the koalafications?

Whenever I’m sad I just read my blood donor ID. It always says “B positive”.

Are the last 4 letters in the word “queue” silent because they are waiting their turn?

A bank robber pulls out gun points it at the teller, and says, “Give me all the money or you’re geography!” The teller is quite puzzled and replies, “Don’t you mean ‘or you’re history?’” The robber says, “Don’t change the subject!”

Thought for the Week

Autumn binds poetry in its own withered leaves. ~Terri Guillemets

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny September 29, 2017 Random Jokes

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Happy Friday!  This week brings us to the end of September and some random jokes to kick off your weekend.

Enjoy!

I used to have a dog that would always chase people on a bike.  It got to be so bad, that I finally had to take his bike away.

Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they lack toes!

I called the hospital but the line was dead.

Can you make a hot dog stand if you take away its chair?

The other day I went to the Doctor.  He asked why I was there, I told him I had this strange feeling that I was a deck of cards.  He told me to go sit in the waiting room and he would deal with me in a few minutes.

Another time I went to see the doctor because I had a strawberry growing out of my arm.  The doctor gave me some cream to put on it.

I once swallowed eight plastic horses.  They admitted me to the hospital in stable condition.

I saw this really slick Spanish magician.  For his finale, he said he was going to disappear at the count of three. He started to count, “Un, dos…” then poof! He vanished without a tres.

The other day I heard music coming out of my printer.  Apparently, the paper was jamming again.

I told my wife that I could build a car out of spaghetti. She said it could not be done. She sure looked surprised as I drove pasta.

Thought for the Week

Some see a hopeless end, while others see an endless hope. ~Author Unknown

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny September 22, 2017 A Visit to the Dentist

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Happy Friday!  Thoughts and prayers continue to be with those dealing with the aftermath of natural disaster.  Here is trusting that better days are ahead.

Enjoy!

This week I made my my semi-annual visit to the dentist. While I know that many people are quite leery of going to the dentist, I was able to overcome my fear of the dentist in about the seventh grade.  I got to know my dentist, who happened to also be the dentist for the Dayton Gems minor league hockey team, rather well over the six visits I had for fillings.  Although I did learn to dread it when he said, “This is just a small cavity, I don’t think you will need any Novocaine for this one.”

A visit to the dentist is always interesting. I am convinced dental hygienists tools are
derived from instruments of torture that date back to the middle ages. Forget
about water boarding for terror suspects. Let’s just have them spend a half hour
with the dental hygienist every morning; wait, I think that was outlawed by the
Geneva Convention.

Anyway, after the hygienist finished with me and I had my transfusion to replace the
blood I lost through the flossing.  It was time to see the dentist. I tried to make
some conversation with him because I noticed that he looked a little down in the
mouth. He told me he had recently been recognized as the dentist of the year. I
asked if that came with any rewards. He said they gave him a little plaque.

He also told me that he had recently had an interesting patient, an Indian guru
who needed some extensive dental work, but refused Novocaine. I asked him why
and he said that the guru wanted to transcend dental medication.

My dentist also told me that he had to break up with his girlfriend who was a
manicurist. It seems all they ever did was fight tooth and nail.

On my way out, I noticed that he had a sign hanging on the wall with a Bible
verse on it, Psalms 81:10b” . . . open thy mouth wide, and I will fill it.”
___________________________________________________________________
How many dentists does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to administer the
anesthetic, one to extract the light bulb, and one to offer the socket a little cup of
water.
___________________________________________________________________
Husband: “Darling, your teeth remind me of the stars”
Wife: “Because they gleam and sparkle”
Husband: “No, because they come out at night!”

Thought for the Week

My dental hygienist is cute.Every time I visit, I eat a
whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the
lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the
afternoon’s appointments. ~ Stephen Wright

Friday Funny September 15, 2017 Step to the Humor

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Happy Friday!  I hope this has been a good week for you.  This weekend, my high school class is having a 40th reunion.  I imagine some will not be able to resist the urge to relive the glory days of disco.  So, in honor of the Class of 1977, here is a little humor to boogie with.

Enjoy!

What do ghosts dance to?   Soul music

 Why don’t dogs make good dancers? Because they have two left feet!

 What do cars do at the disco? Brake dance

 Where can you dance in California? Stan Fran’s Disco!

  What did the groovy bank robber say? Everybody get down!

 Why do ants dance on jam jars? Because the jar says ‘twist to open’!

What dance do chickens hate? The Foxtrot!

 Where do fortune tellers dance? At the crystal ball.

 What is a pigs favorite ballet? Swine Lake!

 Why did the two knives go to the dance together? Because they both looked sharp!

 Where did the computer go to dance? To a disc-o!

 What do cows like to dance to? Any ‘ole kind of moosic.

 What sort of dance does a plumber do? A tap dance!

Thought for the Week

Best friends don’t necessarily have to talk every day. They don’t even need to talk for weeks. But when they do, it’s like they never stopped talking. ~Author unknown

http://www.quotegarden.com

 

Friday Funny September 8, 2017 Seeing a Little Humor

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Happy Friday!  I hope you are well and safe as this week draws to a close.  For my friends dealing with hurricanes, you are in my thoughts and prayers.

I made a visit to the eye doctor today, something that, especially on my Mom’s side of the family, is a regular and important occurrence.  While I was in the waiting room for two hours, again a regular but worthwhile occurrence I started wondering about jokes this week and then I saw the light.  So here is a little site related humor to kick off your weekend.  Some of them are pretty made but I am kind of a cornea guy.

Enjoy!

My wife went to my optometrist to return a pair of glasses that I had purchased.  They asked her what the problem was.  So, she told them that the prescription must be wrong because I am still not seeing things here way.

A Czechoslovakian went to have his eyes tested. The optometrist displayed the eye with the letters N Y X C S F R U Z and asked, ‘can you read any of those letters?’ ‘Read it? ’he answered, ‘That’s my cousin!’

Did you hear about the lens maker who fell into the lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself?

Q. What was the lens’s excuse to the policeman? A. I’ve been framed officer

Q. What music do optometrists listen to? A. itunes

Q. What did the sailor say to the captain of the optometrist’s boat? A. eye-eye captain

Q. What do you call a one-eyed dinosaur? A. Douthinkhesaraus

Q. How many optometrists does it take to screw in a light bulb?  A. Is it one or two?  Two or           One? One or two?

Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes?  A. No Idear

Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?  A. Still no idear

Q. Where does bad light end up?  A. In A Prism

Q. What happens when you split a prism?  A. All the prismers escape

Thought for the Week

The objects of the present life fill the human eye with a false magnification because of their immediacy. ~ William Wilberforce

Friday Funny September 1, 2017 Stars and Shingles

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Happy Friday and Happy Labor Day!  I hope you have a chance to kick back a little bit and relax this weekend.  Here are a couple of jokes to jump start your weekend.

Enjoy!

STAR OF THE EUPHRATES

King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. He was down to his last great possession, the most valuable diamond known in the ancient world, the Star of the Euphrates, But the kink was desperate, so he went to Giddius, the pawnbroker, to get a loan.

Giddius said, “I’ll give you 100,000 dinars for it.”

“But I paid a million dinars for it,” the king protested. “Don’t you know who I am!? I am the king!!”

Giddius simply replied, “I am sorry but when you wish to pawn a Star, it makes no difference who you are.”

SHINGLES

These days, it seems like more and more doctors are running their practices like an assembly lines. I heard about a guy who recently walked into a doctor’s office.  He was greeted by the receptionist who asked him what he had.

He said, “Shingles.”

The receptionist took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse’s aid came out and asked him what he had.

He said, “Shingles.”

The nurse’s aid took down his height, his weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room. After a half-hour a nurse came in and asked him what he had.

He said, “Shingles.”

So the nurse gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, she then told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. After another hour the doctor came in and asked him what he had.

He said, “Shingles.”

The doctor said, “Where do you have them?”

The man replied, “Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?”

Thought for the Week

God give me work, till my life shall end
And life, till my work is done.
~Epitaph of Winifred Holtby

http://www.quotegarden.com

The Class of 2021 Arrives on Campus

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It is fall, time for school to start again and time for me, once again, to be reminded of how old I am getting.  About this time each year Beloit College publishes their “Mindset List” noting events that have shaped the incoming freshman class.  About this time each year, I share some of my favorite items from their list.  This year I was struck by how many of the items deal with computers which were still shiny and new when I started my college career. 

In fact, I am so old that I remember my high school chemistry teacher, Mr. Youngerman insisting that we learn how to use a slide rule – a slide rule! (if you have to look it up, you are definitely younger than I).  

For the whole list visit http://www.beloit.edu/mindset

Enjoy!

Freshman entering college this year are mostly 18 and were born in 1999 and  they will be the last class to be born in the 1900s, the last of the Millennials. 

Peanuts comic strips have always been repeats.

They are the first generation for whom a “phone” has been primarily a video game, direction finder, electronic telegraph, and research library.

They have largely grown up in a floppy-less world. (Hey, I grew up in a floppy-less world too!)

There have always been emojis to cheer us up.

It is doubtful that they have ever used or heard the high-pitched whine of a dial-up modem.

By the time they entered school, laptops were outselling desktops.

Whatever the subject, there’s always been a blog for it.  

In their lifetimes, Blackberry has gone from being a wild fruit to being a communications device to becoming a wild fruit again. 

They have only seen a Checker Cab in a museum.

The Mars Polar Lander has always been lost.

The image of Sacagawea has always adorned the dollar coin, if you can find one.

Nolan Ryan has always worn his Texas Rangers cap in Cooperstown, while Steve Young and Dan Marino have always been watching football from the sidelines.

Thought for the Week

“I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past ” ~ Robert Brault

Friday Funny August 18, 2017 Beyond a Shadow

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Happy Friday!  I hope you have had a great week.  There is a lot of excitement over the much-anticipated eclipse next week.  So buy your special sunglasses and brush up on a little eclipse humor.

Enjoy!

How does the Man in the Moon cut his hair?  Eclipse it!

How do you organize an eclipse party?  You planet!

Some people can tell what time it is simply by looking at the sun.  I am impressed by that, I have never been able to make out the numbers.

I remember when I was a kid I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, it finally dawned on me.

I heard that they opened a restaurant on the moon.  They say the food was great but it lacked atmosphere.

I heard that a moon rock is tastier than an earth rock because it is a little meteor.

Is a light year like a regular year but with a third less calories?

I thought about majoring in astronomy when I was in college, but figured that I would just be taking up space.

With all the excitement about the upcoming eclipse I wanted to gain a better understanding of what was really happening, so I went to a show at the planetarium but I have to admit that the program was over my head.

I heard that NASA wants to send a wildebeest into orbit seems they want a brave gnu whirled.

Thought for the Week

It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

http://www.quotegarden.com

 

Friday Funny August 11, 2017 Zombie jokes

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Happy Friday!  Don’t look behind you, a zombie might be gaining on you!

Enjoy!

Q: What does it take to become a zombie?
A: DEADication!

Q: What did the zombie’s friend say when he introduced him to his girlfriend?
A: Good grief! Where did you dig her up from?

Q: What is a zombie’s favorite toy?
A: A DEADY bear!

Q: What did the zombie say before his fight?
A: Do you want a piece of me?

Q: Why did the zombie cross the road?
A: He wanted to eat the chicken!

Q: What has a dog’s head, a cat’s tail and brains all over its face?
A: A zombie coming out of the pet store!

Q: What did the zombie say to his date?
A: I just love a woman with BRAAAINS!

Q: Where do most zombies live?                                                                                                            A: On DEAD end streets! 

Q: What did the man say to his forgetful zombie wife?                                                                      A: You forgot your HEAD because it wasn’t attached!

Q: Did you hear about the zombie who tortured his victims with music?                                   A: His BACH was worse than his bite!

Thought for the Week

I am one of those people who just can’t help getting a kick out of life — even when it’s a kick in the teeth. ~Polly Adler

http://www.quotegarden.com