Category Archives: Humor

Friday Funny February 10, 2017 Not So Sweet Nothings

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Happy Friday!  In case it has not occurred to you yet, February 14 is just a few days away! While you are out buying cards, candy and gifts, you might also be pondering some sweet nothings to whisper into that special someone’s ear.  Here are a few to cross off your list.

Enjoy!

I plan on being with you until forever ends or maybe opening day.

I saw you were perfect and I fell in love with you.  Then I saw that you were not perfect, so I changed my mind.

My thoughts are free to go anywhere, but it is surprising how often they head in your direction and then turn left.

You deserve the world, and I know I can’t give that to you, so I guess you will have to settle for less than you deserve.

Every time I look into your beautiful eyes, I literally fall for you again which explains these bruises on my face.

A while ago I wished upon a shooting star that one day I would maybe find true love. It turned out to just be an airplane in distress, then I met you.

Last night I looked up into the stars and thought I would match each one with a reason why I love you… I never realized how many stars there are.

Life without you is like a day without raisin bran.

I love you from the heart of my bottom.

If I had to choose between breathing and loving you, well I would turn blue and pass out if I stopped breathing and that wouldn’t do either of us much good.

If our love was a ship it would be the Titanic –  except for the part about striking an iceberg and sinking.

My heart races the moment I see you, my doctor says it is AFib.

You are the reason I am alive and happy today, well you and that airbag in my car.

You are the sunshine on my mostly cloudy with a 95% chance of precipitation days.

You’ve made all my dreams come true, except for the ones where I wake up screaming in the middle of the night.

I don’t love you for your looks, or your clothes, or for your fancy cars, but you know those sure haven’t hurt your chances.

I am very indecisive and always have trouble picking my favorite anything. But, without a doubt, you are just perhaps, quite possibly one of my favorite things.

I love you more than everything in this world with the possible exception of baseball.

Thought for the Week

“Love doesn’t sit there like a stone, it has to be made, like bread; remade all of the time, made new.” ~ By Ursula K. LeGuin

 

Friday Funny February 3, 2017 Groundhogs Were Not Alone in Seeing Shadows this Week

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Happy Friday!  This week brought us Groundhog Day which has to be one of the stranger days that we “observe.”  This is the day we trust a rodent to predict the weather.  At various locations from New York to Colorado people gathered before the sun came up to determine whether or not the groundhog will see his shadow and somehow this translates into how much more winter we will have.  

Yet, groundhogs were not the only folks venturing out Thursday to make predictions.  Here are a few of the lessor known prognosticators that you might have missed.

Enjoy!

Tom Brady saw his shadow – that means six PSI will be deleted from all footballs Sunday.

Charlie Sheen saw his shadow – that means six more weeks of rehap.

Janet Yellen saw her shadow – that means another hike to the Fed Funds rate in six weeks.

George Lucas saw his shadow – that means he will start work on six more Star Wars episodes.

Robert Griffin III saw his shadow – that means he will play no more than six games for the Browns next season or it might mean the Browns will have six more quarterbacks next season.

The CEO of Apple saw his shadow – that means a new iphone will be announced in six weeks.

Kim Kardashian saw her shadow – that means six weeks of her tweeting pictures of her shadow.

A network executive saw her shadow – that means there will be six more weeks of awards shows.

A CPA saw his shadow – that means your tax return should be filed within ten weeks.

Bryan Price saw his shadow – that means seven weeks until Opening Day.

The CEO of Samsung thought he saw his shadow but it was just smoke from another exploding phone.

Mike Nugent (Bengals place kicker) should have seen his shadow but he looked a little too wide to the right.

Thought for the Week

The groundhog is like most other prophets; it delivers its prediction and then disappears. ~ Bill Vaughan 

http://www.brainyquote.com

A Sweet Gift that Ain’t What It Used to Be

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I know that Christmas was more than a month ago; however, I am just getting around to enjoying one of my presents.  I think I am a pretty simple and easy person to buy for. One of my sons gave me a Life Savers Hard Candy Sweet Storybook.  This is a gift that I have received off and on since I was a child and I have always been quite happy to receive it.

As a book, the plot line is rather thin and short. It is a rather contrived story about how the five fruity flavors of Life Savers had powered the reindeer on their trip around the world and saved Christmas.  Gee, I always thought it was Rudolph and his nose so bright that averted a December twenty-fourth crises.

I will enjoy the six rolls of five flavor Life Savers which, according to the nutritional information on the back, will yield 42 servings of Life Savers of 2 pieces or, in my case, about five servings of one roll.

Here I will risk sounding like the crotchety old guy that I am slowly but steadily becoming and say that the Sweet Storybook ain’t as good as it used to be. While this may be a familiar refrain from someone my age, in this case the assessment is indisputable.  First of all today’s storybook is one-sided with six rolls of five flavor Life Savers while the storybook of my childhood was two-sided with five rolls on each side.  That is a whopping forty percent reduction in the number of rolls of Life Savers.  Secondly, today’s storybook includes six five flavor rolls.  The storybook of my childhood had more variety.  If I recall correctly, there were two rolls of five flavor, two rolls of wintergreen, two rolls of pep-o-mint, two rolls of cherry and two rolls of butter run.  As a kid, I think I ate the five flavor rolls last because they were my least favorite in the bunch.  Pep-o-mint was probably my favorite.  Perhaps there have been production issues with pep-o-mint because the impetus of the crisis mentioned in the aforementioned story of the storybook is a lack of peppermints for the reindeer.

I do appreciate the gift and I will enjoy the Life Savers.  My teeth and my diet probably appreciate the fact that there are six instead of ten rolls.  Yet, I will still say that this is one item that ain’t what it used to be.

Friday Funny January 27, 2017 Danger! More Product Warnings!

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Happy Friday!  It is a rough and dangerous world that we live in.  Who knows what might befall us around the next corner or with the next product that we purchase?  Thankfully, we have warning labels to keep us alert to the imminent dangers that await.  Here are some warnings that might not exactly be the most informative and useful.  

Enjoy!

“If you cannot read (…) warnings, do not use this product.” 

A warning label found on a baby stroller cautions the user to “Remove child before folding.”

A snow blower warns, “Do not use snow thrower on roof.”

A container of underarm deodorant says, “Caution: Do not spray in eyes.”

A cartridge for a laser printer warns, “Do not eat toner.”

A 13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow warns, “Not intended for highway use.”

A cardboard car sun shield that keeps sun off the dashboard warns, “Do not drive with sun shield in place.”

A bathroom heater says, “This product is not to be used in bathrooms.”

A can of self-defense pepper spray warns users, “May irritate eyes.”

“Use care when operating a car (…)” (on a bottle of DOG pills) 

“Do not drive car or operate machinery.” (on a bottle of CHILDREN’s cough medicine).

“Do not hold the wrong end of a chainsaw” 

A chainsaw manual provides the sage advice – “Do not attempt to stop the blade with your hand.”

“Eating rocks may lead to broken teeth.” — On a novelty rock garden set called “Popcorn Rock.”

“Caution: Shoots rubber bands.” — On a product called “Rubber Band Shooter.”

“Warning: May contain small parts.” — On a Frisbee.

Thought for the Week

I am one of those people who just can’t help getting a kick out of life — even when it’s a kick in the teeth. ~Polly Adler

http://www.quotegarden.com

 

Patience Is a Virtue, Unfortunately the Gene Does Not Always Get Passed Down

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05-07-2011 12;18;44PM

It is often and correctly said that patience is a virtue.  I have discovered over the years the unfortunate truth that this particular virtue does not simply get passed down from one generation to the next.  My Father is one of the most patient individuals I have ever met, no one would say the same thing about me.

For some reason one of the best illustrations of my Dad’s patience popped into my mind today.  I remember when I was sixteen and wanted to get my license, Dad and I would go for a drive, I would drive and Dad would look out the window, not saying much.  Another one of my Dad’s traits is being a man of few words, also a trait that I apparently missed out on.  The driving part was pretty easy.  But then came parallel parking.

We went someplace where they had the poles out to practice parallel parking.  If my memory is correct, it was at the back-end of the Salem Mall parking lot.  My attempts to park were not going that smoothly.  With each failed attempt, I became a bit more frustrated.  So, I did want any sixteen year old would do, I started to complain and take out my frustrations on my Father.

Even a rubber band can only be stretched so far and I had stretched my Father’s patience to its limit.   After several outbursts on my part, my Dad turned to me and with a calm voice said, “Why don’t you just settle down and try again.  If you keep going on you are going to make me mad in a little bit.”  I knew that my Dad was a patient man and I also knew that I did not want to make him made.  I quickly shut up and returned to the task of parallel parking.  I learned a lesson about patience that day which has stuck with me ever since.  By the way, I passed my driving test on the first try.

Friday Funny January 20, 2017 Before Google

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Happy Friday! We live in the ever-increasing information age with so much of the world right at our fingertips.  I can type these words and fling them far and wide by hitting the “publish” button.  But there was a time not so very long ago when information was not so easily accessible, when the local library was the depository of information.  There the gatekeepers were the librarians and long before Google went to them seeking answers to our many questions.  Perhaps you have been told that “no question is a stupid question” – you have been misled.  here are some stupid questions that have been posed to librarians.

Enjoy!

Is this the place where I can ask questions that I can’t get answers to?

Do you have a list of all the books written in the English language?

What is the copyright date of the Bible?

Can you tell me why so many Civil War battles were fought on National Park sites?

Do you have any books with photographs of Dinosaurs?

Why do so many 18th century painting have squirrels in them, and how did they tame the squirrels so they would stand still while posing for the painter?

I need to find out Ibid’s first name for my Bibliography

When writing to a sailor should one always spell the word “weigh” as in “Anchors Aweigh” out of courtesy, even when it is usually spelled “way”?

Do camels have to be licensed in India?

When one has guests, who kisses whom first?

What is the name of the person buried at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier?

Have you got any Shakespeare in proper English?

I don’t know the title or the author, but it had a number in the title. Where would I find it?

What is the life cycle of an eye-brow hair?

Is there a full moon every night in Acapulco?

What time is high noon?

Thought for the Week

A good library will never be too neat, or too dusty, because somebody will always be in it, taking books off the shelves and staying up late reading them. ~Lemony Snicket

http://www.quotegarden.com

Rah! Rah! Go Hamsters!

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ELIZABETH HALL

I came across an article the other day about Amherst College in Massachusetts and their quest for a new mascot.  Apparently one of the front-runners is Hamsters.  One can only wonder how much  fear a small household pet would bring upon an arch rival.  However, Amherst would hardly be alone among colleges that do not have an intimidating mascot. I began my college experience as a Stetson Hatter.  There was a guy in a giant hat that covered the upper half of his body who would run around during basketball games which is not very high up on the intimidation scale.  Here are some of the other less fierce mascots that might show up at an arena or stadium near you.

Ohio State “Buckeyes” – while a buckeye is a small nut, at least it is poisonous. 

Stanford “Tree” – trees are not that intimidating, but the face they have put on it is a little creepy.

Texas A&M University at Corpus Christi “Islanders” – is the competition headed for a difficult game or a relaxing vacation?

Saint Bonaventure University “Bonnies” – perhaps if you lose they send the opponent over the ocean?

Indiana State University “Sycamores” – another tree only  this one does not even have the creepy face.

Kent State University “Golden Flashes” – add a bird head and the golden flash is transformed  into Flash the Eagle – why not be the Eagles then?

University of Pennsylvania “Quakers” – can’t we all just be Friends?

University of Richmond “Spiders” – while spiders can be a bit intimidating, few can withstand the average shoe.

Youngstown State University “Penguins” – 1) penguins are not that intimidating; 2) there are no penguins in Ohio outside of a zoo.

University of Delaware “Fightin’ Blue Hens” – at least they are fightin’ hens.

Southern Illinois University “Salukis” – would Persian Greyhounds be any better?

Wichita State University “Wheatshockers” – the mascot looks pretty mean…for a shock of wheat.

Delta State University “Fighting Okra” – one wonders why there are not more sports teams with veritable related mascots.

Scottsdale Community College “Fighting Artichokes” – well there is another fighting vegetable.

University of Akron “Zips” – I am not sure what a zip is and I have no idea what it has to do with a kangaroo.

Saint Louis University “Billikens” –  a mythical good-luck figure who represents “things as they ought to be” – well mascots out to be a bit more intimidating.

University of Evansville “Purple Aces” – watch out for paper cuts!

University of California Santa Cruz “Fighting Banana Slugs” – it is all fun and games until someone brings out a salt shaker.

Friday Funny January 13, 2017 Triskaidekaphobia

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Happy Friday the 13th!  Hopefully you do not suffer from Triskaidekaphobia, the fear of Friday the 13th.  This is a day just like any other day.  However, if you find any of the things below happening to you this day, you might want to just slow down and be extra careful,

Enjoy!

You finally receive a note from your crush and it is Restraining Order.

You switch to Nationwide only to discover that they are not on your side.

You find out that after planning you own birthday party, you are not invited to it.

You try to be cool and get hypothermia.

You run away from home with the family dog and only see posters for the dog.

You discover that your pet rock has run away.

You go to visit your parents only to discover that they have moved and not left a forwarding address.

You wake up to a bird singing outside your window and realize that it is a vulture.

Your twin sibling forgets your birthday.

You are halfway through your breakfast cereal when you realize the flakes are moving around the bowl on their own.

Thought for the Week

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. ~Steven Wright

Friday Funny December 30, 2016 End the Year with a Groan

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Happy Friday!  This brings us to the close of one year and the promise of a new one. Thank you for joining me on my weekly journey to bring a little laughter your way and I hope you will continue on the journey through 2017.  Here are a few groaners to close out 2016.

Enjoy!

My New Year’s resolution is to lose weight.  One of the points of my diet is to stop eating poultry immediately, I am going cold turkey.

I was thinking about getting a nose job to kick off the new year, but I am not sure which one I should pick.

Did you know that Dr. Jekyll can’t drink his potion when he’s moving?  It would appear that he can run but he can’t Hyde.

Did you know that Shakespeare once sold camping gear at a reduced price during the off-season?  It seems it was his winter of discount tents.

Do you know which superhero has the most abstract thoughts?  It has to be Wonder Woman.

I made the mistake at a holiday party of getting into a discussion about perpetual motion, this guy just went on and on.

I have a wonderful pet penguin.  I was going to take him with me on an airplane, but they told me he couldn’t fly.

Last weekend I went to see a new horror movie about Legos, the suspense was building the whole time.

I went to the symphony and the conductor really wanted to look at the audience, but sometimes you just have to face the music.

Did you hear about the two florists who got married?  I heard it was arranged.

Did you hear about the two shoelaces that dated for years?  They finally decided that it was time to tie the knot.

I think one of the truly great inventions of my lifetime is the dry erase board, it really is remarkable.

Last year I decided I needed a new hobby, so I started studying moss.  It seems I’ve taken a lichen to it.

Thought for the Week

Write it on your heart that every day is the best day in the year. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson,

It Is Shaping Up to be Just Another Auld Lang Syne

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New Year’s Eve is almost here.  Do you have your plans in place to ring in 2017? Are you excited?  To be honest, I am not that excited and I really have no plans for when the big ball drops.  It is a safe bet that I will not be traveling to Times Square to watch it happen live and in person nor have I ever had the desire to do so.  Perhaps I was born at an old age, I do not think I have ever had much of a desire to do much of anything on New Year’s Eve.

I remember as a kid getting excited about New Year’s Eve because it meant that I was going to do three things that I did not do the rest of the year: 1) staying up until midnight, 2) watching Guy Lombardo & His Royal Canadians (something we did not especially want to do) and 3) eating Cassano’s Pizza in the living room while watching TV.  Number 3 was the most impressive part because eating pizza and watching TV at the same time was an infrequent experience reserved only for very special occasions.  

As I moved into my teens Guy Lombardo was replaced by the Watch Night Service at church where we gathered to watch movies about the Rapture and wondered if we would even be around for the start of the New Year.  Once I realized that the new year had arrived without any supernatural consequences, I returned home to watch Wolfman Jack on The Midnight Special.  One New Year’s that sticks out in my memory occurred during my senior year of high school when ended up at friend’s house where we sat around telling jokes and discussing the nuances of flavor between the various color of M&M’s.  When I headed home that night the temperature was well on its way to -20 degrees.  I recall the vinyl seats cracked when I got into the car.  I think it was that night that convinced me to enroll in a small university in Florida that next fall.

However, the college years did not bring any new excitement to my New Year’s celebrations.  It seemed I would convince myself during the semester that I did not have time to get sick and then invariably I would manage to come down with a throat infection over the Christmas break. One New Year’s Eve I could feel the fever coming and spent the early evening trying to find an open doctor’s office.  I finally did and the examination confirmed what I already knew, I had a throat infection.  It was bad enough that the treatment would not be pills, but a shot and even worse, the shot was not going to be in my arm.  The nurse attempted to administer said shot and then happily declared, “this needle is clogged” she left me there for several minutes while she went to find a new needle and returned to try the new needle on the other side.  

Becoming an adult and having children brought some changes to New Year’s Eve routines.  It was fun with the boys as they were excited to stay up to ring in the New Year.  Then off course there was Y2K with all the anticipation and buildup and then nothing happened, like almost every one of my New Year’s.  Now the boys are all out doing their own thing on New Year’s Eve and that just leaves the two of us at home with the odds being pretty good that at least one of us will not actually be awake at the stroke of midnight.

Just for old time’s sake maybe I’ll see if I can find a Cassano’s and bring home a pizza that I can eat in front of the TV, I bet I can even find Guy Lombardo on YouTube.  Of course, reliving my younger days might just bring back those old familiar pains like when I was back at school and, with my luck, as I turn to make my way back home the snow will turn into rain.  Another New Year’s Eve living on the edge!