Happy Friday! You might get caught red-handed laughing at these jokes.
Enjoy!
I read a news story about a cybercriminal who got away. It said he ransomware.
I read a news story about a criminal who murders at railway stations. The police think they are on the right track.
I read a news story about a robber who stole a rare and valuable book about Stradivarius. Police are warning the public not to approach him, he has a history of violins.
I read a news story about a criminal who stole a valuable lamp, he got a very light sentence.
I read a news story about a man who has been breaking into farms and stealing cows. Apparently, he is a male with a large moo-stash.
Local police have recently acquired 1,000 bees. They might be used as part of a sting operation.
If you put an organized criminal in hot water, would you have mobster bisque?
A truck load of Brillo pads was stolen last night. Police are currently scouring the area.
Someone broke into my office and stole all the coffee cups. This afternoon I am going to the police station to look at some mugshots.
A am trying to decide of I would rather become a novelist or a career criminal, I guess I am weighing the prose and cons.
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“I think crime pays. The hours are good, you meet a lot of interesting people, you travel a lot.” ~ Woody Allen
Happy Friday! This week, I have done some deep Internet research to offer you some tips on how to make this Friday fun and memorable at work.
Enjoy!
Start the day by sending an e-mail to everyone saying that there are donuts in the break room, if someone says they were all gone then just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, “Oh you’ve got to be faster than that.” See how long it takes until the last person stops believing you. Repeat at lunch time sending out an email that there is free pizza.
Send email to yourself engaging yourself in a spirited debate about the direction of one of your company’s products/services or this week’s football schedule. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask them to settle the argumant.
Compose all your e-mails using only the wingdings font.
Put a sign on your photocopier that says “New Copier – Voice activated – please speak your command” Just sit back, watch and listen.
Call your boss’s voice mail and leave the following message: “We’re not sure if you wanted us to do it, you know, after what happened, so, well, we went ahead and did it anyway. If you don’t like it, we can probably take it out, but we’ll have to charge you extra. Please return this call immediately. Thanks.”
Enlist a co-worker and have a contest to see who can sign the boss’s email address up for the most email alerts/newsletters in an hour.
Make today the day that you determine just how many cups of coffee is “too many.”
Bring a karaoke machine and set it up in the break room, only have Halloween songs or songs with yodeling.
For one hour, page yourself on the intercom every five minutes; do not disguise your voice.
For one hour, after every sentence, say ‘Mon’ in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in “That is a great idea, Mon.”
For one hour, speak with an accent (French, Indian, Elmer Fudd, etc.)
Put hole reinforcing circles on the center of your eyeglasses. If you don’t wear glasses try to cover your nose with them.
If a co-worker sneezes, quickly yell “SHUT UP!” If they sneeze a second time, follow up with “I SAID SHUT UP!” A third time, leave the room while saying “NO ONE EVER LISTENS TO ME!”
Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. “That’s a good point Sparky.” “No, I’m sorry I’m going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi.”
Thought for the Week
“There’s no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting.” ~David Letterman
Happy Friday! The baseball playoffs began this week and I will admit that I am disappointed that the Reds made a quick exit stage left. So, let’s turn disappointment into a few laughs.
Enjoy!
Gravity is such a disappointment; it always lets me down.
I recently bought a DVD on dealing with disappointment. When I opened it, the box was empty.
Am I the only one that finds it disappointing that the word “stealth” doesn’t have a silent letter in it?
I was disappointed when I tried track in high school and I couldn’t even jump one hurdle, but I got over it.
I was so disappointed with my pillow case. Turns out that it is nothing but a sham.
I was so disappointed with the documentary on mathematical functions I watched. The plot line was predictable and the special f(x) was awful too.
I was so disappointed when I went to the new court house themed restaurant. all they gave me was frozen water, just-ice was served.
I was so disappointed when I told a chemistry joke but there was no reaction.
Would you call a disappointed cat a sigh-amise?
Would you call a disappointed giant a sigh-clops?
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind.” ~ C.S. Lewis
Happy Friday! As we come to the end of another work week, let’s stop for a minute and ponder the ubiquitous office copier.
Enjoy!
Did you hear about the photocopier that went to see a therapist because it had a lot of unresolved image issues?
Did you hear about the photocopier who brought a ladder to work because it needed a higher resolution?
Did you hear about the technician that fell into the copier? He was beside himself.
Did you know that photocopiers are terrible singers because they are toner-deaf ?
Did you hear about the copier salesman who dreamed about finding a totally new color of ink to sell? He woke up and realized it was all a pigment of his imagination!
Did you hear about the counterfeiters who were shopping for a brand-new copier because they needed one in mint condition.
Do you know how photocopier’s watch movies? Paper-view
My photocopier is like a magician; it can make important documents disappear.
I tried putting my lunch on the photocopier at work, but all I got was a paper jam.
My HP printer died today. It was like a Brother to me.
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“The best way to enjoy your job is to imagine yourself without one.” ~ Oscar Wilde
Happy Friday! Winter is behind us and spring is here and spring means it is baseball season! Opening Day was today, so to get you in the swing of things, here are some heckle lines you can break out next time you go to a game. But, please don’t use these at your child’s little league game.
Enjoy!
You’ve got fewer hits than Vanilla Ice!
You’ve got fewer hits than an Amish website!
I’ve seen better swings at the playground!
I’ve seen better cuts at the deli!
I’ve seen better cuts on a Bee-Gee’s album!
In your case DH stands for Doesn’t Hit!
Hey, Mendoza called. He wants his line back!
This guy hasn’t driven anybody home since the senior prom!
I saw better bats at Mammoth Cave!
That was a Linda Ronstadt pitch – it Blue Bayou!
This guy couldn’t hit a shift key!
This guy swings like a rusty gate!
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“My motto was always to keep swinging. Whether I was in a slump or feeling badly or having trouble off the field, the only thing to do was keep swinging.” ~ Hank Aaron
Happy Friday! Happy Spring! Congratulations on surviving another winter! With spring in the air and plants coming back to life, it seemed like a good time to resurrect these spring jokes.
Enjoy!
This spring I have decided to get serious about gardening. But there is a bit of a mystery. Every time I go out to my flower beds it looks like someone has dumped additional soil on them. I am clueless as to who is doing this; the plot thickens.
I am hoping that this year I can grow as much green stuff in my garden as I do in my refrigerator.
Since I am relatively new to gardening, I have accepted the fact that I will most likely be learning by trowel and error.
When I went to the garage looking for my light, spring jacket I discovered that I had left a packet of seeds in one of my pockets. Now I have a Chia jacket!
I went to Lowe’s to buy some gardening supplies. At first I found the gardening section to be a hosta environment. But then I saw Michael J. Fox! I am pretty sure it was him, he had his back to the fuchsias.
I did purchase a couple of fruit trees and to help me get started they even threw in some insects to aid with pollination. They were free bees.
On my way out I ran into a research assistant who had not been able to do any plant experiments, it appears that he hadn’t botany.
However, I do have a fear of roses. I realize, for a gardener, this is a thorny issue. I’m not sure what it stems from, but it seems that I am stuck with it.
Did you know that in some conifer forests, you can’t cedar wood for the trees?
Thought for the Week
“In the Spring, I have counted 136 different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours.” ~ Mark Twain
Leonard's Lines 