I also have a podcast – check it out at https://www.buzzsprout.com/2234608

Happy Friday!  It seems like before we hit the holiday season, we are already hitting cold & flu season. 

Stay well and enjoy a few “sick” jokes!

It seems like a lot of sickness is going around this time of year, watch out for the symptoms of the Amish flu. First you get a little horse, then a little buggy.

Did you hear about the new gingerbread man flu strain? Don’t worry, you probably won’t catch it.

Did you hear about the strain of the flu that joined Instagram? She became an influenza!

I had the swine flu but I think I am cured.  Now I have the bacon flu.

I am not kidding, If I have to explain the Latin term “ad nauseum” one more time, I think I am going to be sick.

My wife gave me a “Get better soon” card. I am not sick, she just thinks I can get better.

Did you hear about the beekeeper that went to the doctor because she had hives?

If someone is doing yoga while they have the flu, would they be sick and twisted?

I was going to put a dart board on my ceiling, but I did not want to throw up.

I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“For every ailment under the sun, There is a remedy, or there is none, If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it.”~ Mother Goose

Happy Friday!  It has been a bit since I have shared some Dad Jokes, so here goes.

Enjoy!

My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.

I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.

I was going to tell a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it will get a reaction.

I was going to tell a joke about paper, but it was tear-able.

I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

I used to be a personal trainer, but I gave my too weak notice.

Would you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account, prime mates?

How do you get a good price on a sled? You have toboggan.

I think it is very inappropriate to tell ‘dad ‘ jokes if you are not a dad. In fact, I would call it a faux pa.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“My father didn’t tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it.” ~ Clarence Budington Kelland

It seems like just yesterday was the beginning of summer, but here we are at ‘back to ‘school’ time. So, let’s kick off the weekend with some Back to School jokes.

Enjoy!

Is it true that history is the sweetest subject because it is full of dates?

Is it true that math equations make great dancers because they have algorithm?

I heard that the equal sign was very humble because it knew it was not less than or greater than anyone else.

Is it true that a pirate’s favorite school subject is arrrrrrt class?

Ids it true that the book was excited for the start of school because it was bound to be a good year?

Did you hear about the student who brought his dog to school because he heard there would be a lab report?

I heard that when the student turned in a report about cheese the teacher grated it.

Is it true that teacher jumped into the pool to test the water?

If the teacher tied all the kid’s shoelaces together would there be a big class trip?

Is it true that science teachers freshen their breath with experi-mints?

Is it true that the geometry book was adorable because it had acute angles?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“We don’t stop going to school when we graduate.” ~ Carol Burnett

Happy Friday!  I hope you had an enjoyable 4^th of July Holiday.  There is a good chance that your July 4^th meal included some chips or French fries, so I dug up some potatoe jokes for this week.

Enjoy!

Would you call a spud with glasses a spec-tater?

Would you call a lazy spud a couch potato?

Would you call a spud that is reluctant to jump into boiling water a hesi-tater?

Would you call a spud that is constantly looking for a fight an agi-tater?

Would you call an artificial spud an imi-tater?

Would you call a good-looking french fry a hot potato?

Would you call a lethargic baby kangaroo a pouch potato?

Would you call a person who spends a lot of time sitting and staring at potatoes a medi-tator?

If a spud had its head chopped off, would you say it was decap-potatoed?

Is it true that a potato’s favorite TV show is Starch Trek?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“All generalizations are false, including this one.” ~ Mark Twain

Happy Friday!  Memorial Day is just a little over a week away and with it comes the unofficial start of summer and the travel season.  So, let’s kick off this weekend with some travel jokes.

Enjoy!

I heard that hipsters like to hike backcountry rivers because they are less mainstream.

Travel Tip – Do not take a dog on road trips, they tend to be bark seat drivers.

Travel tip – Before heading on a cross country trip in Canada, make sure you have Triple Eh.

Travel Tip – Never fly on Peter Pan Airways – they neverland.

Travel Tip – When in Hawaii avoid loud laughing, instead just give them a low ha.

Every time I go through an airport, I get sick.  I am afraid it might be a terminal illness.

I think mountains are the funniest places to travel, I find then hill areas.

Is it true that you can stop Canadian Bacon from curling in the pan by taking away its little rock and broom?

A time traveler visited a restaurant on vacation and he liked it so much that he went back four seconds.

I took four hours to check out of my hotel in Japan. The receptionist told me, “You really Tokyo time.”

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us, or we find it not.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Happy Friday and a Happy Mothers’ Day to all the Moms. If you can, be sure to let your Mother know you are thinking about her this weekend.

Enjoy!

Mom’s recipe for iced coffee: 1. Have kids. 2. Make coffee. 3. Forget you made coffee. 4. Drink it cold.

A police recruit was asked during the exam, ‘What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?’ He said, ‘Call for backup.’

Silence is golden. Unless you have kids. Then silence is suspicious.

Why was it so hard for the pirate to call his mom on Mother’s Day? Because she left the phone off the hook.

I bought my mom a mug that says, “Happy Mother’s Day from the World’s Worst Son”. I forgot to mail it but I think she knows.

There is a very old legend that says if you take a shower and scream “Mom” three times, a nice lady appears with the towel you forgot.

My housekeeping style as a mom can best be described as “there appears to have been a struggle.”

Would call a mother cow that’s just given birth de-calf-inated?

Good moms let you lick the beaters after making brownies, great moms turn them off first.

Motherhood is like a fairy tale but in reverse. You begin in a beautiful ball gown and end up in stained rags cleaning up after people.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“A mother understands what a child does not say.” —Jewish Proverb

Happy Friday and Happy May! The days are longer and warmer weather is on the way! The baseball season is in full swing, so let me toss out a baseball joke for you.

Enjoy!

Bob and Dave had been best friends for as long as either of them could remember plus they shared an avid interest in baseball.  They were now in their 90’s and in a nursing home, but still close friends who continued to share a love of baseball.  Many days they would spend sitting in their rocking chairs and talking about baseball.  Occasionally they pondered if there would be baseball in heaven.  One day, as they pondered this, they made a pact that someway, somehow which ever one of them who died first would find a way to come back and let the other one know if, indeed, there was baseball in heaven.

Well, the day came when Bob passed.  After several weeks had passed Dave was feeling a bit lonely as his sat and rocked next to an empty chair.  Suddenly, the empty chair began to rock slowly back and forth and the pale, ghostly image of Bob appeared. 

Dave asked, “Well Bob, tell me, is there baseball in heaven?”

“Well, I’ve got some good news and some bad news,” replied Bob.  “The good news is that, yes indeed, there is baseball in heaven.  There are games every day and the weather is always absolutely perfect”

Dave smiled and asked, “That is wonderful! What’s the bad news?”

Bob looked at his friend and replied, “The bad news is that tomorrow is our Opening Day and you’re playing second base and batting third.”

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Every day is a new opportunity. You can build on yesterday’s success or put its failures behind and start over again. That’s the way life is, with a new game every day, and that’s the way baseball is.” ~ Bob Feller

Happy Friday! Spring is in the air and you have probably had to cut the grass at least once by now, so how about some lawn care jokes to kick off this Friday?

Enjoy!

The other day, I saw a man crying while mowing his lawn so I asked him if anything was wrong.  He said that he was just going through a rough patch.

Today I had to fire the guy I hired to mow my lawn, he just wasn’t cutting it.

I really need to cut my grass, but I am having difficulty getting myself mow-tivated.

Last week, I called the police about a murder on my front lawn and they said that couldn’t do anything about crows on my lawn and insisted that I quit calling.

I have a chicken proof lawn, it’s impeccable.

Chuck Norris doesn’t mow his lawn.  He just sits on his porch and dares it to grow.

When I’m grilling a steak outside, the smell just makes my mouth water.  I wonder if that happens when a vegan mows their lawn.

My neighbor on one side has a cow that helps him cut the grass, he’s a lawn moo-er.

My neighbor on the other side has a cat that helps him cut the grass, he’s a lawn-meower.

The shrubs were gearing up for a fight with the grass, but they never saw the blades come in.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“April hath put a spirit of youth in everything.” ~ William Shakespeare