Friday Funny March 24, 2017 Spring Jokes that Will Grow on You!

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Happy Friday! Spring has officially arrived!  you have officially survived yet another round with Old Man Winter!  With spring in the air, it seemed like a good time for a little gardening humor.

Enjoy!

This spring I have decided to get serious about gardening.  But there is a bit of a mystery.  Every time I go out to my flower beds it looks like someone has dumped additional soil on them. I am clueless as to who is doing; the plot thickens.

I am hoping that I can grow as much green stuff in my garden as I do in my refrigerator. 

Since I am relatively new to gardening I have accepted the fact that I will most likely be learning by trowel and error. 

When I went to the garage looking for my light, spring jacket I discovered that I had left a packet of seeds in one of my pockets and it had into a Chia jacket!

Just yesterday I went to Lowe’s to buy some gardening supplies.  At first I found the gardening section to be a hosta environment.  But then I saw Michael J. Fox!  I am pretty sure it was him, he had his back to the fuchsias.

I did purchase a couple of fruit trees and to help me get started they even threw in some insects to aid with pollination. Yep, they were free bees.

On my way out I ran into a research assistant who had not been able to do any plant experiments, it appears that he hadn’t botany.

However, I do have a fear of roses.  I realize, for a gardener, this is a thorny issue. I’m not sure what it stems from, but it seems that I am stuck with it.

Did you know that in  some conifer forests, you can’t cedar wood for the trees?

Thought for the Week

“It was one of those March days when the sun shines hot and the wind blows cold: when it is summer in the light, and winter in the shade.” ~Charles Dickens, Great Expectations

http://www.quotegarden.com

 

My Elite Club

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I consider myself a pretty regular guy, most of the time.  However, today I just feel the need to brag a little bit about a pretty exclusive club that I am in and have been in for decades.  In 1980 I became a member of the National Whisker Association.  I still have my membership certificate that is signed by the well-known and widely respected Smith Brothers.  You may be aware that Trade Smith and Mark Smith made their fortune selling cough drops and if you ever saw their faces on those cough drop boxes, you know that they sported pretty amazing whiskers of their own.

I joined back when I was known to sport a pretty decent mustache.  If I tried to bring back the ‘stache I am afraid it would be all gray these days.  So, although clean-shaven, I am still a member of the Association.   This club is so selective that it is closed to new members.  Plus it is so secretive that Google searches turn up almost no information about it.  I apologize if my statements are causing you pangs of jealousy, but these are the plain and simple facts about the National Whisker Association.  However, if the occasion arises where you need to name drop in order to impress someone, you can mention that you actually know of someone who is a member in good standing of the National Whisker Association and I give you permission to give them my name.  While you are at it, tell them to sign up to follow this blog!

Perhaps through this I can connect with other members in good standing out there, perhaps we could even resurrect a local chapter and have meetings and secret handshakes and so forth.  Sometimes it is kind of fun to a member of an exclusive club! Speaking of exclusive clubs, I wonder if I still have my membership certificate for the Banana Splits Fan Club…

 

Friday Funny March 17, 2017 Happy St. Patrick’s Day

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Happy Friday!  Last weekend the clocks sprung forward, next week brings the official start of spring and today is St. Patrick’s Day.  While I do not claim to be Irish, I will certainly take advantage of the occasion to pass along a few jokes.

Enjoy!

Q: What do you get when you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy?
A: A rash of good luck.

Q: What’s Irish and stays outside all summer?
A: Paddy O’Furniture.

Q: What would you get if you crossed Quasimodo with an Irish football player?
A: The Half-back of Notre Dame!

Q: What happens when a leprechaun falls into a river?
A: He gets wet!

Q: Why did St. Patrick drive all the snakes out of Ireland?
A: He couldn’t afford plane fare.

I did not remember to wear green on St. Patrick’s Day, but I am wearing blue pants and a yellow shirt, so pretty much the same thing. 

To celebrate St. Patrick’s Day, my wife made green meatloaf. I asked her how she colored it …she said she didn’t know what I was talking about. 

An Irishman by the name of O’Mally proposed to his girl on St. Patrick’s Day. However, the ring he proposed with was only a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, who, as luck would have it, was a jeweler. He took one look at it and knew it wasn’t not genuine. 
The young lass, on learning it wasn’t real, returned to her beau and protested vehemently about his cheapness. 
He simply smiled and said “It is St. Patrick’s Day, so I gave you a sham rock.”

Thought for the Week

Never iron a four-leaf clover.  You don’t want to press your luck!

What’s In a Name? Candy

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I will admit that I have always had a sweet tooth and I have the fillings to prove it!  Part of my problem is that I like all kinds of candies: hard candies, soft candies, chocolates, caramel, pretty much anything.  The other day I was eating some Jordan Almonds and doubting seriously that the almonds I was munching on come off trees in Jordan, although it would be pretty neat if nuts had a candy coating instead of a hard, uneatable shell.  The story is that Jordan almonds originated in ancient Rome, where honey-covered almonds were introduced by a Roman baker and confectioner named Julius Dragatus who while an accomplished confectioner, was not a very good geographer.

Jordan almonds are not alone in having a confusing moniker.  What about Boston Baked Beans?  There are no beans involved, they are candy coated peanuts distributed by a company based in Illinois.  Then there are Swedish fish.  There is no trace, thankfully, of fish in Swedish fish.  This candy is a fish-shaped, chewy candy that was originally developed by a Swedish candy in the late 1950’s for the American market.  This also lead me to think about cow-tails which, again thankfully are not candy covered tail but a long cream-filled caramel.

You probably never really thought that the Three Musketeers bar had musketeers as an ingredient, where would one find musketeers in this day and age anyway?  However, this name makes even less sense that it originally did.  Originally, Three Musketeers was named because it had three flavors, there was a chocolate pieces, a vanilla piece and a strawberry piece.  But due to wartime rationing, the vanilla and strawberry pieces were dropped leaving chocolate as the lone musketeer.  I guess the “all for one” was replaced by the “one for all.”

The point is that there are many candy names that do not make a lot of sense.  Some candy names have led me to erroneous geographic impressions of the world; unfortunately this does not dissuade me from consuming more candy than I should.

 

Friday Funny March 10, 2017 Simple Humor

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Happy Friday!  Another weekend is at the door.  This week, I thought I would keep things simple.  One of the simplest organisms I know of is an amoeba.  So, here is a little amoeba and microbiology humor for you.

Enjoy!

Why did the bacteria fail the math test? He thought multiplication was the same as division.

What is the only thing worse than a mecium? A paramecium. 

What is the definition of paramecium? Two Latin mice.

Why do bacteria like nitrates so much? They’re cheaper than day rates.

How do amoebas stay in touch? With cell phones.

Did you know that imprisoned amoeba are only allowed a single cell?

Did you know that at the National Institutes of Health Offices, the sign on the door of the microbiology lab reads “STAPH ONLY”?

Old microbiologists never die. They just get put out to Pasteur

Knock, knock!                                                                                                                                       Who’s there?                                                                                                                                     Amoeba                                                                                                                                                   Amoeba who?                                                                                                                                     Amoeba dumb, but I’m not crazy!

Thought for the Week

I never make stupid mistakes. Only very, very clever ones. ~John Peel

http://www.quotegarden.com

Coast to Coast Cow News!

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Perhaps it is mere coincidence, perhaps it is just weird, perhaps it is a sign of the coming apocalypse. I do not know, but for whatever reason there have recently been stories involving cows in the news from coast to coast.  First there was a story out of Suffield, Connecticut about a pair of cows who had escaped from their pens and were found near the front door of a house.  Local police tried to paint this in a humorous light and warned residents not to open their doors to “any unfamiliar cattle” and posted on Facebook that two “suspicious males” were going door-to-door “trying to sell dairy products.”  Perhaps this was humorous or perhaps there is something a little more sinister involved.  Perhaps the cows intentions were innocent and they just wanted to come in, sit down, take a load off their feet and chew the cud with the locals.  Or perhaps this was just the first step in a planned takeover by the cows?

Now there is a story from the West Coast out of Beaumont, California about a report of someone “seeing a cow trying to climb out of a small car parked alongside an interstate.” When authorities responded they found one calf “trying to escape” from an open truck and another crammed into the floor of the backseat.  The car had not been reported as stolen and was registered to an address some 250 miles away.  Maybe they were not trying to escape from the car, maybe the car was the mode of escape for the calves.  Of course the car was stolen – where would two calves earn enough money to buy a car for their getaway?  Again people are laughing.

But could this be the beginning of a pattern? Are cows feed up and ready to rise up and proclaim their beef to the rest of the world?  There may be more at steak here than meets the eye.  Then again perhaps I am merely spouting udder nonsense.  I could go on for heifer and heifer, but I think I have milked this for all I can.

Friday Funny March 3, 2017 Bumper Sticker Philosophy

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Happy Friday! Can you believe that it is already March? Spring is almost knocking on the door!  I hope you have a good weekend and if you get out on the road this weekend you might learn a little philosophy from the bumper stickers of the cars you see.   Here are some of my favorite bumper sticker phrases.

Enjoy!

The Hokey Pokey Clinic – a Place to Turn Yourself Around

Elephants Never Forget How to Ride a Bike

Hyperbole is the Best Thing Ever!

I Got in a Traffic Jam on My Road to Riches

26.2 – Been There – Run That

Why Can’t Chickens Cross the Road Without Having Their Motives Questioned?

Driver Carries No Cash – He is Married

Imagine Whirled Peas

Just say NO to Negativity.

 Gravity –  It’s not just a good idea, it’s the LAW!

Eschew obfuscation.

Caution!  I speed up to run over small animals.

Thought for the Week

We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be. ~Kurt Vonnegut

http://www.quotegarden.com

It is in the Bag

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I came across a news story on the internet about a college student in Ohio who recently claimed the title of the top grocery bagger in the country.  He reached this pinnacle of his bagging career after claiming two consecutive Ohio state titles as top bagger.

It came as news to me that there are state and national championships in grocery bagging.  According to the story, the national championships were held in Las Vegas and the winner walked away with a $10,000 prize.  I suppose as the old saying goes, anything worth doing really is worth doing well and apparently if you can do something really well, you can get rewarded really well for doing it.  

I wonder how he gained his expertise as a championship bagger?  Did his parents teach him?  Did he start at a young age?  Are there pee-wee bagger leagues where a young bagging protegé can hone his bagging skills?  Perhaps there are even select traveling bagging teams that travel the country competing in bagging contests. 

I heard that after he received his check and bagging trophy, he was asked the ultimate bagging question, “Do you prefer paper or plastic?”  His reply was that he really could not choose between the two because, as we all know, baggers can’t be choosers.

Friday Funny February 24, 2017 Jokes You Can Take to the Bank

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Happy Friday!  I remember as a kid, back before ATM’s and 24 hour banking, going with my Dad to the Bank on Friday afternoons so he could deposit his paycheck.  The times have changed and banking has changed.  I have spent the last twenty plus years in and around banks.  So, I thought I would make a little funny deposit to start off the weekend.

Enjoy!

A man visits his bank manager and says, “How do I start a small business?” The manager replies, “Start a large one and wait six months.”

A young lady had just transferred to a new bank branch and was starting her new job. The branch manager was quite fond of literature and very well read.  He asked the young lady, “Do you know William Shakespeare?”  The young lady quickly replied, “No. Which branch does he work at?”

Did you hear about the banker who counted his money with his toes because he did not want any to slip through his fingers?

Did you hear about the foolish fellow who over drew his bank account? It seems he had no cents.

How many bankers does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to hold the bulb, and three to try to remember the combination.

There was a banker who went sailing with a friend and fell overboard.  The friend quickly grabbed a life-preserver.  He held it up, not knowing if the banker could swim, he shouted, “Can you float alone?”  “Obviously,” the banker replied, “but this is a heck of a time to talk business.”

Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.

Thought for the Week

“It’s no trick to make a lot of money, if all you want to do is make a lot of money.” ~Everett Sloane, Citizen Kane

A Very Strong Word

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I have said before that my Father is a patient man, he also is a rather quite man.  It seems like he has always been a man of few words – another trait which I apparently missed out on.  Even if you did manage to get my Dad a bit riled up,  the result was not a long diatribe.  

During World War II, my Dad traversed from the Aleutian Islands to the South Pacific as a sailor in the Navy; however, his language was never “salty.”   Yet there is one strong word in my Dad’s vocabulary.  A word that made very rare appearances in my childhood.  A word that would only come out on those very rare occasions when he was completely exasperated and at the end of his rope.   A one word interjection that let one know to tread very carefully.  That word is – “Thunderation!”

Dictionary.com defines “Thuderation” as  an exclamation of surprise or petulance.  (I am sure that I was the impetus of the petulance on many occasions.)  “Thunderation” is an Americanism that originated in the first half of the 19th century so perhaps this word was passed down to my Dad from his Father who learned it from his Father.  I appreciate my Dad’s soft spokenness and I appreciate that the strongest word I heard at home was “Thunderation.”

Unfortunately, “Thunderation” is not really part of my vocabulary.  Thanks to the example of my Dad there are a lot of other words that, thankfully, have never been part of my vocabulary.  I suppose that occasionally we all have need of an interjection and I have been known to occasionally shout “boogers!”, especially when hitting an infield pop-up in a softball game.