About Par for the Course

Leave a reply

putt-putt

I am not a golfer.  I never have been and at this stage of my life the odds are that I never will be.  If someone asks me if I want to “split a bucket” I take it as an invitation to go to KFC.  I still play softball because when I hit a ball, I want someone else to chase it.

However, I was looking for something the other day and came across a three game ticket for Putt-Putt and I was reminded how much fun I had going to Putt-Putt when I was growing up.  If memory serves me correctly, Wednesday was Dollar Day when you could play from open until 5:00 for $1.  My friend Chris and I would make the mile long trip on our bikes hoping there would not be much traffic on Markey Road and cutting through business parking lots to avoid riding on North Main Street to arrive at Putt-Putt behind Peffley Ford and adjacent to Forest Park Plaza.  There we would putt the day away stopping maybe for a can of soda pop and some beef jerky purchased at the counter.  When we had finally had enough, we would stop for an Icee at the Stop ‘N Go on the way home.  No cell phones, so our parents pretty much had to trust us that we went where we said we were going and would return by the time we were expected to be home.  In my high school years it seems like there were a lot of summer Sunday nights that a group would head to Putt-Putt after church.  

This wasn’t one of those fancy mini-golf courses with volcanoes and waterfalls.  This was just plan old Putt-Putt.  It had three different courses just like the courses you could see on television on the weekends when they televised the Professional Putters Association tournaments.  I guarantee you that I did not make that up.

Perhaps the reason that I never caught the golf bug is that I was never very good at Putt-Putt.  I believe every hole was a par 2, so 36 was a par score.  I think there was only a time or two I ever had under 36.  So, perhaps I learned early that golf was never going to be an enjoyable past-time for me.  Too bad the Putt-Putt in Dayton is not there any longer or else I could put this ticket to good use and maybe even sink a hole in one or two for old times sake.

Friday Funny September 9, 2016 Are You Ready for Some Football?

Leave a reply

football

Happy Friday!  Summer is over, school is back in session and professional football is back for another season.  So, let’s kick off this Friday with some football jokes.

Enjoy!

Two football fans were talking as they approached the stadium before the game…

First fan:”I wish I’d brought the piano to the stadium.”

Second fan: “That’s ridiculous, why would you bring a piano to the football game?”

First fan: “Well, that is where I left the tickets.”

———————————————————————————————————————————

Three Browns fans were talking about the sad state of their team. 

The first fan lamented… “I blame the owner; if we could sign better players, we’d be a great team.”

The second fan lamented… “I blame the players; if they made more effort, I’m sure we would score more points.”

The third fan lamented… “I blame my parents; if I had been born someplace else, I’d be rooting for a decent team.”

————————————————————————————————————————————

The Eagles are having a meeting on the eve of a game with the Browns. The coach says, “Look guys, I know the Browns are terrible, but we have to play them or else we get in trouble with the NFL.”

The quarterback chimes in, “I’ve got an idea why don’t you guys all just sleep in, stay at the hotel and relax and let me play them on my own?  They’re such a bad team it shouldn’t be a problem.”

  “Brilliant Idea!” the coach says. “Let’s do that!”

On the day of the game, the team relaxes by the pool, and the coach decides to check the score. He turns on the television and the announcer says: “It’s the Eagles 7 and the Browns 0 at the end of the 1st quarter.”   The whole team cheers.

About 4:00 the coach decides to check the final score.  The announcer comes on again.   “I can’t believe this but the Browns scored on the final play of the fourth quarter and converted the two points to win 8 to 7!” “What in the world went wrong?!” screams the coach.

He quickly jumps into a cab to the stadium. He rushes in to find the QB sitting in the dressing room with his head in his hands.   “Well, what happened?” asks the coach.   The QB shakes his head. “I had it all under control,” he says.  “Everything was going according to plan, but then I got hurt in the second quarter and had to come out of the game….”

Thought for the Week

Speed, strength, and the inability to register pain immediately.  ~Reggie Williams, when asked his greatest strengths as a football player

http://www.quotegarden.com

 

How Many Firsts Can There Be?

Leave a reply

gabpron-047

If you arrive early to a baseball game, you will probably see a ceremonial first pitch.  This is a longstanding ritual of baseball where a guest of honor throws a ball to mark the end of pregame festivities and the start of the game.  The guest might be a local or national politician, a distinguished military veteran, a widely or not-so-wildly known celebrity, or someone representing the business that paid for that night’s promotional item. 

The ceremonial first pitch is, I imagine, a big thrill for the person who get to throw it and gives those in attendance something to watch for a moment while waiting for the game to begin.  I have no problem with the ceremonial first pitch, it is a nice tradition that belongs to baseball.  However, many games I have gone to do not only have a ceremonial first pitch, they have multiple ceremonial first pitches.

By definition, how can there be more than one ceremonial first pitch?  Wouldn’t that make it a ceremonial first pitch, a ceremonial second pitch, a ceremonial third pitch, etc? I imagine they do not want to hurt anyone’s feelings by having them throw out a ceremonial pitch that is not “first.”

Fortunately I have a solution.  There is usually about thirty minutes or more between the time the visiting team finishes batting practice and the time the game begins.  There are usually a number of fans that have nothing to do during this time, so why not entertain the fans with some sort of competition between those who will be throwing out ceremonial pitches to determine the order that the pitches are given.  This would provide a degree of pride and meaning to the ceremonial first pitch.   There are many possibilities:  the prospective pitches could have a race around the bases to find out who is fastest.  There could be a sunflower seed spitting contest judging distance and accuracy.  Maybe a sliding contest with the fans judging style points.  Perhaps contests of who could eat the most hot dog, who could throw a bag of peanuts, who could stuff the most snow cones in their shirt, just let one’s imagination run wild.  It would fill in that time between batting practice and the start of the game and the person who threw out the first ceremonial pitch would be proud of his or her accomplishment. 

Friday Funny September 2, 2016 My Labor Day Resume

Leave a reply

resume

Happy Friday and Happy Labor Day!  This weekend we pause from our everyday tasks to catch our breath and say goodbye to summer.  As we ponder Labor Day, I thought I would share a few items from my extensive resume.

Enjoy!

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned— couldn’t concentrate.

I always wanted to be a pilot, but my career just never got off the ground.

I tried being a parachutist, but nothing ever opened up.  

I tried being a professional bowler, but it wasn’t up my alley.  

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe.  

Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.  

I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn’t cut it.  

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it. Mainly because it was a so-so job and seamed more exciting than it was.

Then I tried to be a chef–figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just didn’t have the thyme.  

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn’t cut the mustard.  

I spent some time as a butcher, but I backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in my work.

My best job w. as being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn’t noteworthy.  

My years as an exterminator were pretty good, but I got tired of the rat race.

Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn’t fit in and working with all the heels drained my sole.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn’t have any patients.  

I was a pretty good eye doctor, but I could not stay focused on the job.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn’t live on my net income.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.  

So then I got a job in a gymnasium (work-out-center), but they said I wasn’t fit for the job.

Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking.  

After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.  

Then I worked at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

I tried working at a bank, but I lost interest.  

Finally, I took a job as an accountant, but I lost my balance……

Thought for the Week

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work. ~Robert Orben

http://www.quotegarden.com

Why Can’t We Be Friends?

5 Replies

lgs

Since the dawn of time people have disagreed.  They have disagreed about politics.  They have disagreed about theology.  They have disagreed about customs and mores.  They have disagreed about Coke vs. Pepsi.  They have disagreed about the designated hitter. They have disagreed about, you get my point, people disagree about almost everything.  

You may even disagree with my statement that people disagree!  If I have learned anything and, by the way the jury is still out on that, I have learned that pretty much any statement I make would not be agreed to by at least one half of the general population.

However, it seems that in this age of connectivity and social media and instant news that many of us now assume that everyone wholeheartedly agrees with us about everything we say and that if someone does not agree with us then he or she must be some kind of a hater or “phobe.”  Let me share a deep thought with you.  If everyone in your circle of friends and acquaintances agrees with you on everything, you have a pretty small circle of friends and acquaintances.

This brought to mind a song released by the group War in 1975 with the title “Why Can’t We Be Friends.”  This is the chorus of the song:

“Why can’t we be friends
Why can’t we be friends
Why can’t we be friends
Why can’t we be friends?”

To the best of my recollection, I do not remember being taught or seeing discrimination of any kind at home.  I was fortunate to go to schools that were mixed religiously, socio- economically and racially. And guess what?  We got along.  I had a great group of friends in high school and not one of them was just like me.  Do not get me wrong, I have opinions and values that I hold to firmly, but that does not mean I cannot be civil and friendly to those who do not hold the same views as I do.  Nor does it mean that I cannot learn from and appreciate others.

So, let’s just lighten up a bit when someone shares a view that does not fall 100% into your view.  You may disagree and the odds are half of you just did.

“Sometimes I don’t speak right
But yet I know what I’m talking about

Why can’t we be friends
Why can’t we be friends
Why can’t we be friends
Why can’t we be friends?”

Friday Funny August 26, 2016 The Class of 2020

1 Reply

ELIZABETH HALL

It appears many of the colleges in my corner of the world have either started classes this week or are having “move-in” days for freshman.  I always liked the excitement of the beginning of a new school year wondering what adventures awaited me.  Alas, those years are LONG gone.  As if I did not have enough reminders of how the years are ganging up on me, this time each year Beloit College publishes their “Mindset List” noting events that have shaped the incoming freshman class.  Once again, I will share some of the items that caught my attention.  For the whole list visit http://www.beloit.edu/mindset/

Students heading into their first year of college this year are mostly 18 and were born in 1998.  This students will make up the class of 2020, here is hoping that their foresight in life will live up to their 20/20 moniker.

Frank Sinatra, Phil Hartman, Matthew Shepard,  and Sonny Bono have never been alive in their lifetime.

They never heard Harry Caray sing “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” during the seventh inning at Wrigley Field.

John Elway and Wayne Gretzky have always been retired.

SpongeBob SquarePants has always lived at Bikini Bottom.

They disagree with their parents as to which was the “first” Star Wars episode.

NFL coaches have always had the opportunity to throw a red flag and question the ref.

West Nile has always been a virus found in the U.S.

Vladimir Putin has always been calling the shots at the Kremlin.

Bluetooth has always been keeping us wireless and synchronized.

Snowboarding has always been an Olympic sport.

DreamWorks has always been making animated creatures heroic and lovable.

They have never seen billboard ads for cigarettes.

The New York Stock Exchange has never reported its ups and downs in fractions.

Instant, tray-less ice cubes have never been a novelty.

Michael J. Fox has always spoken publicly about having Parkinson’s disease.

Thought for the Week

Education is the movement from darkness to light.  ~Allan Bloom

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny August 19, 2016 Back to School

5 Replies

Scan0003 (2)

Happy Friday!  I remember way back when that school always started the day after Labor Day; however, in many places school started this week.  So let’s kick off back-to-school Friday with a little school related humor.

Enjoy!

I would do my math homework, but I’ve already got my own problems.

Why did the boy eat his homework? Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake.

What did the dog say to his classmate? “Can I copy your homework, I ate mine.”

When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: “What is courage?” He received an A+ for turning in a blank page with only his name at the top.

Teacher: ‘Johnny, you know you can’t sleep in my class.’                                                              Johnny: ‘I know. But maybe if you were just a little quieter, I could.’

On the first day of school, a mother went in to wake up her son. “Wake up, son. It’s time to go to for the first day back at school!”
“But why, Mom? I don’t want to go.”
“Give me two reasons why you don’t want to go.”
“Well, firstly, the kids all hate me, and secondly, the teachers all hate me, too!”
“Oh, that’s no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready.”
“Give me one good reason why I should go to school.”
“Well, you are the principal!”

Hot off the press back-to-school best sellers!

“Walking To School The First Day Back” by Misty Bus

“The Day The Car Pool Forgot Me” by I. Rhoda Bike

“Can’t See The Chalkboard” by Sidney N. Backrow

“What I Dislike About Returning To School” by Mona Lott

“Making It Through The First Week Of School” by Gladys Saturday

“Is Life Over When Summer Ends?” by Midas Wellbee

Thought for the Week

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.” ~ Mark Twain

 

Friday Funny August 12, 2016 Gold Medal Humor

Leave a reply

images

Happy Friday!  The Olympics are well under way now.  It reminds of how in my younger days I wanted to be an Olympic 400m runner, but I soon discovered that there were just too many hurdles in my way.  However, I did round-up some Olympic jokes for you.

Enjoy!

Three American citizens went to Rio to see the summer Olympics.  Unfortunately they spent all their money on the trip and by the time they arrived there was no money left to purchase tickets to the events.  They were despondently standing outside the stadium where the Olympics were being held, bemoaning the fact that no money remained to buy a ticket to gain admission.  They all wanted to go so badly and to cheer on their countrymen. 

They took notice as competitors from around the world entered through a special back gate simply by telling the guard their country and event. This gave them an idea.

One of the three friends looked around and found a length of pipe lying on the ground.  He hefted it to his shoulder, walked to the gate and told the guard “England. High jump.” And the guard let him in! 

This inspired the second friend who looked around, picked up a manhole cover, and headed for the special gate. “Russia. Discus,” he told the guard, and in he went. 

Not to be left behind, the third friend, quickly conducted a frantic search.  However, all  he could find was some barbed wire. So, he grabbed it, ran to the gate, and announced “Poland. Fencing.”

————————————————————————————————————————————–

At the Olympic Games, Rhoda meets a man carrying an eight-foot-long metal stick.
‘Excuse me,’ says Rhoda to the man. ‘Are you a pole vaulter?’

‘No,”‘ says the man, ‘I’m German, but how did you know my name is Walter?’

The Olympic Best Seller List:

“The Olympic Trials” by Willy Qualify.

“Winter Olympic Sports” by Bob Sled.

“How to Do Gymnastics” by Tom E. Tuck.

“How to Win at the Olympics” by Vick Tori.

“The Marathon” by Will E. Makit.

Thought for the Week

“We all have dreams. But in order to make dreams come into reality, it takes an awful lot of determination, dedication, self discipline, and effort.” — Jesse Owens, American track and field athlete and four-time gold medalist in 1936.

Friday Funny August 5, 2016 Rolling into the Weekend

1 Reply

download

Happy Friday!  As we roll into the month of August here are a few car related jokes chosen especially for you.

Enjoy!

A woman is driving down a road. A man is driving down the same road from the opposite direction. As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells “PIG!!” The man immediately leans out her window and yells “JERK!!” They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next curve he crashes into a herd of pigs in the middle of the road.

——————————————————————————————————————————————

A man needs to cross the street. But as he steps off the curb a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him. The man walks faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes lanes and is still coming at him. So the guy turns around to go back, but the car changes lanes again and is still coming at him. By now, the car is so close and the man so scared that he just stops in the middle of the road. The car gets real close, then swerves at the last possible moment and stops next to the man. The driver rolls down the window. It’s a squirrel. He says, “See, it’s not as easy as it looks.”

—————————————————————————————————————————————-

A policeman pulls a car over for speeding.  He walks up to the driver’s window and asks: “Sir, do you know you were doing 110 mph in a 90 zone?”.  The man replies “Yes! I’m Sorry, but that’s because I was racing another car and lost track of the speed.”  Since he did not see any car besides that, the cop asks – “Sir, have you been drinking?”  The driver replies “A little bit of Whisky, but just because I needed something to take with the LSD I took at a party!”  The started policeman says, “LSD? Sir, I need you to step out of the car! Is there anything else I need to know? Drugs, Firearms?”  The driver adds, “Sure! There is at least 5 pounds of cocaine in my glove department and an AK-47 under my seat! But please, don’t open the trunk, or the person I just kidnapped will scape!”

The policeman cannot believe what he heard and a little afraid, he calls for his superior!

At his arrival, he tells everything to his Captain who goes to speak with the driver:

Captain: “Sir, my subordinate told me you have a kidnapped person in your trunk!” The driver opens the trunk: “As you can see, there’s no one here, but my jack and spare tire”

Captain: “What about the AK under your seat?”  The driver pulls his seat forward: “There’s no such thing here, just an umbrella!!”

Captain: “I see! And the cocaine in your glove compartment?”  Driver opens the glove compartment: “you must be kidding me! Only my registration’s there!”

Captain: “Have you been drinking or engaging in any kind of drugs?”  Driver: “Sir, I don’t smoke cigarettes, don’t drink. I’ve been in my home all night with my mom. That cop over there must be kidding you! HE told you I was drunk, took drugs, was armed and a drug dealer, and had kidnapped someone? I suppose he probably told you that I was speeding too?”

Thought for the Week

Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were. ~Author Unknown

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny July 29, 2016 Shark Jokes

2 Replies

shark9

Happy Friday!  Scanning through the television channels this week, I noticed that it was Shark Week.  So, here are a few jokes for you to ink your teeth into.

Enjoy!

I was at the beach recently today when I saw a man in the sea yelling “Help, shark! Help!”I just chuckled to myself because I was pretty sure that shark wasn’t going to help him.

I told my friend I was attacked by a shark.  He asked me if I punched the shark on the nose.  I said, “No, it just attacked me for no reason.”

Did you hear about the aquarium owner? His shark was worse than his pike.

Q: why did the shark cross the great barrier reef?
A: to get to the other TIDE

Q: What is a shark’s favorite kind of sandwich?
A: Peanut butter and jellyfish!

Q: how did the crazy shark become normal again?
A: electro shark therapy

Q: Why don’t sharks have tools?
A: They don’t have opposable thumbs

Q: Why do sharks make terrible lawyers?
A: They’re too nice!

Q: What does a shark order at McDonald’s?
A: a quarter flounder with cheese

Q: What is a shark’s favorite sci-fi show                                                                                              A: Shark Trek 

Q: Why don’t sharks like fast food?                                                                                                      A: Because they can’t catch it! 

Q: What do you call a shark that can’t stop singing “U Can’t Touch This?”                               A: M.C. Hammerhead. 

Q: What did one shark say to try to comfort a friend who had just gotten out of a relationship                                                                                                                                                 A: “its OK there are plenty of other birds in the sky” 

Thought for the Week

Nostalgia is like a grammar lesson: you find the present tense but the past perfect! ~Attributed to both Owens Lee Pomeroy (1929–2008) and Robert Orben (b.1927)

http://www.quotegarden.com