Sometimes I wonder what happened to the future.  

I always thought that I was born on the edge of the future.  The same year that I was born General Foods began marketing Tang, the orange-flavored powdered drink mix.  John Glenn took Tang into space with him and you could drink the very same stuff at home while you dreamed of going into space.  All you had to do was take two tablespoons of this magic powder and add it to eight ounces of water, stir vigorously and you had a drink with 100% of your vitamin C, 100% of your vitamin A, 100%  of your vitamin E, 100% of your calcium, 100% of your riboflavin, and 100% of your niacin for the day and no real oranges were harmed in the process.  The future looked bright, innovation was the key.  In the future science would meet all our needs, nutrition-wise and other-wise.

Man continued to go into space and the trips became longer.  It was obvious that man could not live on Tang alone.  So, as the space program grew so did the culinary possibilities.  In the late 1960’s Pillsbury joined in with the creation of Space Food Sticks, a “non-frozen balance energy snack in rod form containing nutritionally balanced amounts of carbohydrate, fat and protein.”   “Nutritionally balanced” was one of those great sounding marketing phrases which no one can explain like “ph balanced.” Space Food Sticks came in six flavors including peanut butter, caramel, and chocolate.  A man could live in space or on the earth if he had Tang and Space Food Sticks.

Alas, after the great promise these two products provided, the future seemed to fade. While Tang can still be found on store shelves, I cannot recall the last time I ever heard of anyone actually drinking Tang.  Sadly, Space Food Sticks disappeared from North American supermarket shelves in the eighties. They were revived in 2006 when the chocolate and peanut butter flavors were re-released. Today you might be able to find Space Food Sticks at flight museums, the Smithsonian Air & Space Museum or online.   Perhaps I can take solace that these were the predecessors of today’s energy bars and energy drinks and their evil cousin energy gels (can one really expect something by the name of “Goo” to taste like anything other than flavored phlegm?) 

After a few quiet decades on the “food of the future” front, 1987 brought us Dippin’ Dots, the “Ice Cream of the Future.”   This ice cream gravel is created by flash freezing ice cream mix in liquid nitrogen – it is like cryogenics for food, that is pretty futuristic I guess. (Although I have often wondered what exactly one is supposed dip Dippin’ Dots in and it seems like it would be difficult to dip something so small in the first place.) No one is quite certain how many other foods were flash frozen before they hit on a winner with ice cream.  

Now almost thirty years has passed and apparently, the future has not yet arrived and Dippin’ Dots remains the “Ice Cream of the Future.”  I have a feeling that when the future does arrive, I may be disappointed with what it brings.

In our ever-changing, nothing is permanent, instant gratification, throwaway world it is easy to lose sight of where we have come from, to forget our roots.

My family tree has deep roots in the Bluegrass State of Kentucky.  I have been told that my forefathers settled in Estill County in the late 1700’s and I still have relatives there today.  My father was raised on a farm there and still thinks of the hills that are the western edge of the Appalachian Mountains as home.  There is even a spot on the map with the name of Wagersville — it really is not much more than a spot on the map.  For many generations Wagers were born, raised, lived, died, and were buried in Estill County. There is a cemetery close to Wagersville where several generations of Wagers lay in rest in the shadow of the hills.

I remember going to the Wagers reunions growing up which were held in even-numbered years. Family that had been scattered throughout the land would come back to the hills and hollers to catch up on what everyone was doing.  Often the reunion would take place at the Indian Fort Theatre in Berea.  There was a stage there and on one side there was a cabin-front that was used for productions as seen in the picture above.  (Yes I am in the picture.) I chose this picture because I think it captures something I have some to realize and appreciate: being a Wagers means having a sense of humor.  

As far back as I can remember I have been trying to tell jokes and trying to be funny (notice I did say “trying”).    I can remember jokes that were told to me by Aunts and Uncles and cousins.  Several years ago I remember that my Great Aunt Helen’s 90th birthday was celebrated as part of the reunion.  At one point I walked into the kitchen and there was Great Aunt Helen sitting at the table and enthusiastically telling jokes.  It hit me right there —  it is not my fault that I keep telling jokes and finding the humor in situations, it is in my genes.

So don’t blame me that I post, supposedly, humorous blogs or that I will tell you a joke when I run into you, it is a genetic condition (I wonder if it is covered under ADA?) Perhaps you think I am just plain nuts.  Well, it appears that this nut indeed has not fallen far from the tree.

 Each day we have to navigate our way through a veritable sea of laws.  There are federal laws, state laws, county laws, municipal laws.  There are a ton of laws out there, literally.  In 1970, the Code of Federal Regulations alone was 54,834 pages and by 1998 this had grown to 134,723 pages. I hate to think what the number of pages is today.

Not surprisingly there are laws of questionable value at each and every level of government.  Here are just a few examples:

On the federal level there is a United States federal law makes it illegal to issue a fake Weather Bureau forecast, Some days I wonder if you could tell the difference?

In Ohio, it is illegal to fish for whales on Sunday.

But in Tennessee, the only game you may shoot from a moving automobile are whales.

In Oklahoma it Is Illegal to have a sleeping donkey in your bathtub after 7 pm. 

In Indiana mustaches are illegal if the bearer has a tendency to habitually kiss other humans.

If you go to Chicago for a nice meal and the restaurant catches on fire, leave immediately, because the law forbids eating in a place that is on fire.

If the law books have room for all these frivolous laws, surely there is place for a law which I am certain you will agree with me and see the value of.  I am seriously considering writing my congressman and ask him to introduce the Uniform Coffee Maker, Microwave and Copier Act.  Think about it – how many times have you purchased one of these products, stayed in a hotel room or gone into an unfamiliar office and tried to use one of these devices – you just stand there with that proverbial “deer in the headlights” look just waiting, hoping, praying for someone to come along and tell you where the on switch, brew switch, popcorn or copy button are.  I know we have our share of problems, but this is still a great country.  I am convinced that if we brought together some of the greatest minds, they could develop a universal instrument panel for each of these devices.  A real stroke of genius would be if they could develop one standard cluster that could be used on each one.

I even have a little motivational trick to assist the process.  We put all these brilliant minds in one room with a coffee maker, a microwave and a copy machine and then each day we put in a different brand or model.  After a few days there would be total buy-in.

Don’t you think it is about time that we got Congress doing something productive?  You can thank me later.

We are hearing a great deal about healthcare these days and I imagine the debate will continue to rage on long after deadlines are past.  My point here is not to get political but simply to offer my cheap, common sense solution which you may feel free to refer to as Leonard Care.

First, let’s get the cost out of the way.  It will be $19.95 per person per month.  Why $19.95, about the price of a couple of large two topping pizzas or one of many “As Seen on TV” products like Chop Magic Chopper, a set of Wonder Hangers or a Snore Relief Mouthpiece.  I figure most people can handle giving up a double pizza or a Magic Chopper a Month.

The key to making this work is to reduce costs of course.  This is actually easier than many people might think.  I will illustrate by what happens when I go to the doctor:

Me: Doctor, “I have this soreness, bruise, rash. fever, broken bone, severed limb or whatever.”

Doctor:  “I understand your problem, we could treat it, bandage it, sew it back on, but how about you elevate it. apply ice and/or heat on it, take it easy for a few days, take aspirin or ibuprofen and let it heal on its own?”

Since the ice it/heat it/elevate it/rest it method of treatment has been prescribed about 99% of the time for my issues, let’s apply it to 99% of all medical visits?

I know what you are thinking, it still takes up Doctor’s and Nurses time.  But I have an answer for that.  All hospitals and doctors offices would employ admissions bouncers, I mean admissions screen-ers.  I would suggest hiring non-active Marines (I have been told there is no such thing as a “former Marine”).  The Screen er would do a quick once over of the prospective patient looking for any of the following symptoms: temperature over 104 degrees, bone protruding from the skin, gaping wound or apparent absence of pulse, heart rate or breathing.  If none of the above were present, the would-be patient would be told to elevate/ice/rest whatever hurts and would be provided his or her choice of aspirin or ibuprofen and sent on their way.  If said patient returned for another try they would be transported to Paris Island for a full physical fitness test.

This should free up doctors and nurses for those patients needing immediate care and get the rest of us sent back to work/school/home to go about our business.  There you have it, the whole insurance thing solved!  I did not say it would be good, I said it would be cheap!!