Category Archives: Friday Funny

Friday Funny April 14, 2017 Laughing Down the Bunny Trail

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Happy Friday!  Happy Easter and Happy Passover!  To be honest, the Easter Bunny has never been one of my favorite characters.  Perhaps it was the disappointment of unwrapping and biting into a nice chocolate bunny only to discover it was not solid chocolate, but only a thin, hollow shell.  But, there are some jokes about the Easter Bunny and it is Friday, so enjoy!

How can you find the Easter bunny? Eggs (x) marks the spot.

What kind of bunny can’t hop? A chocolate one.

Why did the Easter egg hide? He was a little chicken.

How did the soggy Easter Bunny dry himself? With a hare dryer!

Where does the Easter Bunny study medicine? John HOPkins University

What does the Easter Bunny get for making a basket? Two points, just like anyone else.

Is it true that the Easter Bunny get his eggs from eggplants?

Why do we paint Easter eggs? Because it is a lot easier than wallpapering them.

Would you call a mischievous Easter egg a practical yolker?

Does the Easter bunny eat really breakfast at IHOP?

Would you call ten rabbits marching backwards a receding hareline?

If you crossed the Easter Bunny with an overstressed person would you have an Easter basket case?

If you crossed the Easter Bunny with Chinese food would you get Hop suey?

Thought for the Week

Jesus Christ did not come into this world to make bad people good: He came into this world to make dead people live. ~ Lee Strobel

Friday Funny April 7, 2017 More Accountant Jokes

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Happy Friday!  It is time for my annual public service announcement to remind you that time is running out to file your 2016 tax return.   While you are getting all those numbers lines up, this is a perfect opportunity to poke a little fun at the accountants out there, myself included.

Enjoy!

How does an accountant stay out of debt? He learns to act his/her wage.

What’s grey and not there? An accountant on vacation.

How do accountants make a bold fashion statement? Wear their dark grey socks instead of the light grey.

Just remember that It’s accrual world out there so be audit you can be!

Is it true that homeless accountants live in tax shelters?

What do you call an accountant without a spreadsheet? Lost.

How can you tell it an introverted accountant from an extroverted accountant? An introverted accountant looks at his shoes when he talks to you while an extroverted accountant looks at your shoes while he’s talking to you.

Did you hear the joke about the extremely charismatic and interesting accountant? I haven’t either.

If you read your son the story of Cinderella and when you get to the part where the pumpkin turns into a golden carriage, he asks you “Daddy, is that ordinary income or a capital gain?”  He just might grow up to be an accountant.

A woman goes to the doctor and is told that she only has 6 months left to live.
Quite alarmed, the woman asks the doctor, “What shall I do?!”
“If I were you, I would marry an accountant,” suggested the doctor.
“And that will make me live longer? asked the woman. 
“It won’t make you live any longer,” replied the doctor. “But it will undoubtedly be the longest six months of your life.”

Thought for the Week

Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today. ~Herman Wouk

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny March 31, 2017 In The Names of Love

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Happy Friday!  I believe it was Alfred Lord Tennyson who said, “In the Spring a young man’s fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love.”  There are also times when said young man should have taken just a moment to think about how the names would look like on the wedding announcements.  Here are a few of my favorites.

Enjoy!

Flem-Green

Gorey – Butcher

Golden-Showers

Moore-Bacon

Looney – Warde

Hardy-Harr

MacDonald-Berger

Burger-King

Wendt-Adaway

Broeker-Nuckles

Gowen-Geter

Hunt-Kapture

Poore-Sapp

Ruff-Goings

Rather-Grim

House-Reckker

Thought for the Week

“Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love. “~Albert Einstein

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny March 24, 2017 Spring Jokes that Will Grow on You!

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Happy Friday! Spring has officially arrived!  you have officially survived yet another round with Old Man Winter!  With spring in the air, it seemed like a good time for a little gardening humor.

Enjoy!

This spring I have decided to get serious about gardening.  But there is a bit of a mystery.  Every time I go out to my flower beds it looks like someone has dumped additional soil on them. I am clueless as to who is doing; the plot thickens.

I am hoping that I can grow as much green stuff in my garden as I do in my refrigerator. 

Since I am relatively new to gardening I have accepted the fact that I will most likely be learning by trowel and error. 

When I went to the garage looking for my light, spring jacket I discovered that I had left a packet of seeds in one of my pockets and it had into a Chia jacket!

Just yesterday I went to Lowe’s to buy some gardening supplies.  At first I found the gardening section to be a hosta environment.  But then I saw Michael J. Fox!  I am pretty sure it was him, he had his back to the fuchsias.

I did purchase a couple of fruit trees and to help me get started they even threw in some insects to aid with pollination. Yep, they were free bees.

On my way out I ran into a research assistant who had not been able to do any plant experiments, it appears that he hadn’t botany.

However, I do have a fear of roses.  I realize, for a gardener, this is a thorny issue. I’m not sure what it stems from, but it seems that I am stuck with it.

Did you know that in  some conifer forests, you can’t cedar wood for the trees?

Thought for the Week

“It was one of those March days when the sun shines hot and the wind blows cold: when it is summer in the light, and winter in the shade.” ~Charles Dickens, Great Expectations

http://www.quotegarden.com

 

Friday Funny March 17, 2017 Happy St. Patrick’s Day

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Happy Friday!  Last weekend the clocks sprung forward, next week brings the official start of spring and today is St. Patrick’s Day.  While I do not claim to be Irish, I will certainly take advantage of the occasion to pass along a few jokes.

Enjoy!

Q: What do you get when you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy?
A: A rash of good luck.

Q: What’s Irish and stays outside all summer?
A: Paddy O’Furniture.

Q: What would you get if you crossed Quasimodo with an Irish football player?
A: The Half-back of Notre Dame!

Q: What happens when a leprechaun falls into a river?
A: He gets wet!

Q: Why did St. Patrick drive all the snakes out of Ireland?
A: He couldn’t afford plane fare.

I did not remember to wear green on St. Patrick’s Day, but I am wearing blue pants and a yellow shirt, so pretty much the same thing. 

To celebrate St. Patrick’s Day, my wife made green meatloaf. I asked her how she colored it …she said she didn’t know what I was talking about. 

An Irishman by the name of O’Mally proposed to his girl on St. Patrick’s Day. However, the ring he proposed with was only a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, who, as luck would have it, was a jeweler. He took one look at it and knew it wasn’t not genuine. 
The young lass, on learning it wasn’t real, returned to her beau and protested vehemently about his cheapness. 
He simply smiled and said “It is St. Patrick’s Day, so I gave you a sham rock.”

Thought for the Week

Never iron a four-leaf clover.  You don’t want to press your luck!

Friday Funny March 3, 2017 Bumper Sticker Philosophy

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happyknowit

Happy Friday! Can you believe that it is already March? Spring is almost knocking on the door!  I hope you have a good weekend and if you get out on the road this weekend you might learn a little philosophy from the bumper stickers of the cars you see.   Here are some of my favorite bumper sticker phrases.

Enjoy!

The Hokey Pokey Clinic – a Place to Turn Yourself Around

Elephants Never Forget How to Ride a Bike

Hyperbole is the Best Thing Ever!

I Got in a Traffic Jam on My Road to Riches

26.2 – Been There – Run That

Why Can’t Chickens Cross the Road Without Having Their Motives Questioned?

Driver Carries No Cash – He is Married

Imagine Whirled Peas

Just say NO to Negativity.

 Gravity –  It’s not just a good idea, it’s the LAW!

Eschew obfuscation.

Caution!  I speed up to run over small animals.

Thought for the Week

We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be. ~Kurt Vonnegut

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny February 24, 2017 Jokes You Can Take to the Bank

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kimg0555

Happy Friday!  I remember as a kid, back before ATM’s and 24 hour banking, going with my Dad to the Bank on Friday afternoons so he could deposit his paycheck.  The times have changed and banking has changed.  I have spent the last twenty plus years in and around banks.  So, I thought I would make a little funny deposit to start off the weekend.

Enjoy!

A man visits his bank manager and says, “How do I start a small business?” The manager replies, “Start a large one and wait six months.”

A young lady had just transferred to a new bank branch and was starting her new job. The branch manager was quite fond of literature and very well read.  He asked the young lady, “Do you know William Shakespeare?”  The young lady quickly replied, “No. Which branch does he work at?”

Did you hear about the banker who counted his money with his toes because he did not want any to slip through his fingers?

Did you hear about the foolish fellow who over drew his bank account? It seems he had no cents.

How many bankers does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to hold the bulb, and three to try to remember the combination.

There was a banker who went sailing with a friend and fell overboard.  The friend quickly grabbed a life-preserver.  He held it up, not knowing if the banker could swim, he shouted, “Can you float alone?”  “Obviously,” the banker replied, “but this is a heck of a time to talk business.”

Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.

Thought for the Week

“It’s no trick to make a lot of money, if all you want to do is make a lot of money.” ~Everett Sloane, Citizen Kane

Friday Funny February 17, 2017 Always Proofread!

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Happy Friday! Occasionally we all get  in a hurry and miss something that we should have caught: a misspelled word, a misplaced or missing comma, or even the use of the wrong word.  Sometimes these go unnoticed, other times they are captured for posterity on signs and on the internet.  Here are some signage mistakes that slipped past the proof readers.

Enjoy!

Illegally Parked Cars will be Fine

Violators Will Be Towed and Find $50

Employees Must Wash There Hands Before Returning To Work

Executive Bored Room

Hunters Please Use Caution When Hunting Pedestrians Using Walk Trail

We Except Outside Prescriptions

50% Off Rapping Paper

Hotel Sign – We Remember All Who Have Served Hot Breakfast

No Smoking Aloud

Please Slow Drively

Today, the Dining Room Closed at 6:00pm.  Sorry for Your Incontinence

If Door Doesn’t Close Properly, Giggle the Doorknob

Thought for the Week

One day, someone showed me a glass of water that was half full. And he said, “Is it half full or half empty?” So I drank the water. No more problem. ~Alexander Jodorowsky

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny February 10, 2017 Not So Sweet Nothings

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Happy Friday!  In case it has not occurred to you yet, February 14 is just a few days away! While you are out buying cards, candy and gifts, you might also be pondering some sweet nothings to whisper into that special someone’s ear.  Here are a few to cross off your list.

Enjoy!

I plan on being with you until forever ends or maybe opening day.

I saw you were perfect and I fell in love with you.  Then I saw that you were not perfect, so I changed my mind.

My thoughts are free to go anywhere, but it is surprising how often they head in your direction and then turn left.

You deserve the world, and I know I can’t give that to you, so I guess you will have to settle for less than you deserve.

Every time I look into your beautiful eyes, I literally fall for you again which explains these bruises on my face.

A while ago I wished upon a shooting star that one day I would maybe find true love. It turned out to just be an airplane in distress, then I met you.

Last night I looked up into the stars and thought I would match each one with a reason why I love you… I never realized how many stars there are.

Life without you is like a day without raisin bran.

I love you from the heart of my bottom.

If I had to choose between breathing and loving you, well I would turn blue and pass out if I stopped breathing and that wouldn’t do either of us much good.

If our love was a ship it would be the Titanic –  except for the part about striking an iceberg and sinking.

My heart races the moment I see you, my doctor says it is AFib.

You are the reason I am alive and happy today, well you and that airbag in my car.

You are the sunshine on my mostly cloudy with a 95% chance of precipitation days.

You’ve made all my dreams come true, except for the ones where I wake up screaming in the middle of the night.

I don’t love you for your looks, or your clothes, or for your fancy cars, but you know those sure haven’t hurt your chances.

I am very indecisive and always have trouble picking my favorite anything. But, without a doubt, you are just perhaps, quite possibly one of my favorite things.

I love you more than everything in this world with the possible exception of baseball.

Thought for the Week

“Love doesn’t sit there like a stone, it has to be made, like bread; remade all of the time, made new.” ~ By Ursula K. LeGuin

 

Friday Funny February 3, 2017 Groundhogs Were Not Alone in Seeing Shadows this Week

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gdday

Happy Friday!  This week brought us Groundhog Day which has to be one of the stranger days that we “observe.”  This is the day we trust a rodent to predict the weather.  At various locations from New York to Colorado people gathered before the sun came up to determine whether or not the groundhog will see his shadow and somehow this translates into how much more winter we will have.  

Yet, groundhogs were not the only folks venturing out Thursday to make predictions.  Here are a few of the lessor known prognosticators that you might have missed.

Enjoy!

Tom Brady saw his shadow – that means six PSI will be deleted from all footballs Sunday.

Charlie Sheen saw his shadow – that means six more weeks of rehap.

Janet Yellen saw her shadow – that means another hike to the Fed Funds rate in six weeks.

George Lucas saw his shadow – that means he will start work on six more Star Wars episodes.

Robert Griffin III saw his shadow – that means he will play no more than six games for the Browns next season or it might mean the Browns will have six more quarterbacks next season.

The CEO of Apple saw his shadow – that means a new iphone will be announced in six weeks.

Kim Kardashian saw her shadow – that means six weeks of her tweeting pictures of her shadow.

A network executive saw her shadow – that means there will be six more weeks of awards shows.

A CPA saw his shadow – that means your tax return should be filed within ten weeks.

Bryan Price saw his shadow – that means seven weeks until Opening Day.

The CEO of Samsung thought he saw his shadow but it was just smoke from another exploding phone.

Mike Nugent (Bengals place kicker) should have seen his shadow but he looked a little too wide to the right.

Thought for the Week

The groundhog is like most other prophets; it delivers its prediction and then disappears. ~ Bill Vaughan 

http://www.brainyquote.com