Happy Friday! As I was doing my exhaustive and extensive research for this week’s funny I came across a website that purported to have the top 50 funniest jokes ever told.  With a claim like that, I just had to peruse the contents.  So, here for your enjoyment are ten of those fifty and while they may not strike you as the funniest jokes you have ever heard, perhaps they might support the hypothesis that some of my jokes really are not that bad.

Enjoy! 

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ”Lady, that has got to be the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ”The driver just insulted me!” The man says: ”You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

”I said to the Gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, ”How flexible are you?” I said, ”I can’t make it on Tuesday”

I saw in the paper that the police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. It said they charged one – and let the other one off.

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. Well, I guess we will see about that!

I slept like a log last night…….. Woke up in the fireplace this morning.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I called her and asked, ”Did you get my drift?”.

Last week I cleaned the attic with my wife. Now I can’t get the cobwebs out of her hair.

Four fonts walk into a restaurant, the hostess exclaimed, ”Get out! We don’t want your type in here”

A priest, a rabbi and a preacher walk into a bar. The bartender says, ”Is this some kind of joke?”

Two Eskimos are sitting in a kayak and getting cold.  They decide to light a little fire in the middle of the craft and it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

 Thought for the Week

What good is the warmth of summer without the cold of winter to give it sweetness. ~Author Unknown

http://www.quotegarden.com

Happy Friday!  Congratulations, you have survived the first month of winter!  To celebrate, here are three jokes chosen especially for you.

Enjoy!

Lord of the Rings Pinball

The other day I was walking by an arcade and it occurred to me that I had not been in an arcade for quite some time.  I went inside and as I was looking around I noticed a “Lord of the Rings” pinball game.  I used to enjoy an occasional game of pinball and I like the “Lord of the Rings”, so I thought “why not?”  I usually do not carry much change, but I checked my pockets and was quite pleased when I discovered three shiny quarters, so I figured I was all set.  Well you can imagine my disappointment when I approached the machine only to discover that my quartets were of no use, this machine did not accept quarters, only Tolkens. 

Richard the Pourer

Many years ago there was once a royal baker who had an assistant, named Richard, whose sole job was to pour the dough mixture for making sausage rolls for the royal family who apparently had quite an affinity for sausage.  Because people were identified by their professions in that day, this man was simply known as Richard the Pourer.

As luck would have it, one day Richard ran out of a key ingredient, a secret spice that was essential to the batter. So, he called his young apprentice and dispatched him to town to buy more spices. When the apprentice arrived at the spice merchant’s place of business, he realized that he had, unfortunately, forgotten the name of the essential ingredient. Hoping that the storekeeper might be able to figure it out, he described it to him saying,

“You know, it’s the one for the royal family’s sausage rolls, the one used by Richard the Pourer, for batter for wurst.”

 Birds of a Feather

There was once a man who was very happily married, he had only one complaint about his wife: she was always nursing sick birds.  One very cold February evening, he came home from a hard day at work only to find a raven with a splint on its wing sitting in his favorite chair.  He went to the dining room and there on the dining room table, instead of dinner, there was a feverish eagle very deliberately pecking at an aspirin.  On he went to the kitchen and there he found his wife comforting a shivering little wren she found out in the snow.

While he had tried to be a patient man, he had now reached his limit.  He very quickly strode over to where his wife had the cold little bird wrapped up in a fluffy towel and erupted.  “I just can’t take it any more!  There is a bird in my chair, a bird on the dining room table and you have another bird here.  This is it! We have got to get rid of all of  all of these #@!##@ birds!”

Before he could finish his rant, his wife held up her hand and cut him off in mid-sentence and in her most soothing, most sincere voice she said.  “Please, Dear, watch your language in front of the chilled wren.”

 Thought for the Week

If things go wrong, don’t go with them ~ Roger Babson

http://www.quotegarden.com