Friday Funny January 23, 2015 A Triple Header of Jokes

3 Replies

lgs

Happy Friday!  Congratulations, you have survived the first month of winter!  To celebrate, here are three jokes chosen especially for you.

Enjoy!

Lord of the Rings Pinball

The other day I was walking by an arcade and it occurred to me that I had not been in an arcade for quite some time.  I went inside and as I was looking around I noticed a “Lord of the Rings” pinball game.  I used to enjoy an occasional game of pinball and I like the “Lord of the Rings”, so I thought “why not?”  I usually do not carry much change, but I checked my pockets and was quite pleased when I discovered three shiny quarters, so I figured I was all set.  Well you can imagine my disappointment when I approached the machine only to discover that my quartets were of no use, this machine did not accept quarters, only Tolkens. 

Richard the Pourer

Many years ago there was once a royal baker who had an assistant, named Richard, whose sole job was to pour the dough mixture for making sausage rolls for the royal family who apparently had quite an affinity for sausage.  Because people were identified by their professions in that day, this man was simply known as Richard the Pourer.

As luck would have it, one day Richard ran out of a key ingredient, a secret spice that was essential to the batter. So, he called his young apprentice and dispatched him to town to buy more spices. When the apprentice arrived at the spice merchant’s place of business, he realized that he had, unfortunately, forgotten the name of the essential ingredient. Hoping that the storekeeper might be able to figure it out, he described it to him saying,

“You know, it’s the one for the royal family’s sausage rolls, the one used by Richard the Pourer, for batter for wurst.”

 Birds of a Feather

There was once a man who was very happily married, he had only one complaint about his wife: she was always nursing sick birds.  One very cold February evening, he came home from a hard day at work only to find a raven with a splint on its wing sitting in his favorite chair.  He went to the dining room and there on the dining room table, instead of dinner, there was a feverish eagle very deliberately pecking at an aspirin.  On he went to the kitchen and there he found his wife comforting a shivering little wren she found out in the snow.

While he had tried to be a patient man, he had now reached his limit.  He very quickly strode over to where his wife had the cold little bird wrapped up in a fluffy towel and erupted.  “I just can’t take it any more!  There is a bird in my chair, a bird on the dining room table and you have another bird here.  This is it! We have got to get rid of all of  all of these #@!##@ birds!”

Before he could finish his rant, his wife held up her hand and cut him off in mid-sentence and in her most soothing, most sincere voice she said.  “Please, Dear, watch your language in front of the chilled wren.”

 Thought for the Week

If things go wrong, don’t go with them ~ Roger Babson

http://www.quotegarden.com

 

All That is Left is a Field of Dreams

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Shilohempty

I grew up behind Shiloh Elementary School.  The building which loomed so large as a child is gone,  all that remains is an empty lot, my field of dreams.  It seems so small now.  

This was the place were I anxiously walked across the street for my first day of Kindergarten with Mrs. Wilson.  This was the building I left after Eight Grade with Mrs. Brower for the intimidating world of high school.      I learned how to read and write in the building and I spent a great deal of my free time on the school property as well.  There were countless hours playing baseball, basketball and football and dreaming of making it professionally in all three.  There was bike racing and bike tag around and around and around the building.  This was the place where friendships were developed that have endured to this day.  This was where I fell in and out of love a dozen times; although it seems there was one crush that endured for several years.

This place holds so many childhood memories.  Memories of kickball, volleyball, indoor hockey and, basketball, where I was a seldom used player on a very bad Eighth Grade basketball team.  Memories of Field Days and School Carnivals and PTA Lunches of sloppy joes and ice  cream sandwiches kept in dry ice.  Memories of those special occasions of walking to the drug store on Main Street for lunch, provided one brought a note from  home and had fifty cents to spare.  Memories of hot chocolate after a cold morning standing watch on the Safety Patrol.  Even memories of lugging a violin or cello back and forth to school and to the house next door to the school that served as the instrumental music room for a few years.

Sometimes we do not recognize when a significant person has entered our life.  I had a lot of very good teachers at Shiloh who have had a great influence on the person I have become.  But the person from Shiloh that turned out to have the greatest impact on my life was Mr. Ayres, the custodian.  I did not know it while I was attending Shiloh, but Mr. Ayres just so happened to have a daughter who was the same age as I.  About two years after I moved on from Shiloh I had the good fortune to met his daughter.  We went on a few double dates while in high school, just not with each other.  It was during our college years that we began dating and soon after graduation we were married.  So for more than thirty years now, I have known Mr. Ayres as my Father-In-Law.

Shiloh was indeed a place of memories that still remains a field of dreams.

Friday Funny January 16, 2015 LIVING IN 2015

1 Reply

lgs

Happy Friday!  We are halfway through this first month of the New Year.  As we continue to get settled into this year, I thought I would share some of the signs of living in 2015.

Enjoy!

You know you are living in 2015 when……

1. You just entered your PIN on the microwave.

2. You have a list of 20 phone numbers to reach your family of five.

3.  You have more than five email addresses for yourself.

4. You regularly send email to yourself.

5. You only communicate by Facebook with your friend who works in the adjacent cubicle.

6. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they are not on Facebook or Twitter.

7.  You know more about what is going on with Facebook friends you have not seen in twenty or thirty years than you do with your own family.

8.  You have scores of “friends” that you have never met personally.

9. If someone asks you for your home phone number, you have to scroll down on your cell phone to find it.

10. If you leave without your cell phone,  you go into a panic and wonder how you will make it through the day.

11. You stop to look at something in the store and your spouse keeps going and you call him/her on your cell phone to find out where he/she is.

12.  You text your kids to tell them dinner is ready.

13. Your have your resume in “the cloud.”

14. Your take pictures all the time, but you have no idea where your camera is.

15.  Contractors out number permanent staff at work and have been there longer than most of the staff.

16.  When you left for your last vacation, between your cell phone, GPS and tablet, you had more computer power than NASA had during the Apollo moon missions.

17.  You can’t remember the last time you received a hand-written letter in the mail.

18.  Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your new-born so she can create a screen saver.

19.  You have not looked up a phone number in the phone book for years.

20.  You can’t remember your anniversary, but you have committed twenty-seven passwords to memory.

21.  You start tilting your head sideways to smile. 🙂

22.  You find something very amusing but instead of laughing you say, “LOL!, LOL!”

23. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.

24. As you read this list, you think about posting it on Facebook or re-blogging it.

25. As you read this list, you keep saying to yourself, “LOL. LOL”

Thought for the Week

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.  ~Paul Valery

http://www.quotegarden.com

 

SELFIE SHTICK

2 Replies

$_12

Perhaps the most prevalent and annoying thing produced by the twenty-first century so far is the “selfie” –  that all too commonly shared self-portrait taken with one’s ubiquitous smart phone.  Of course the distance with which you could take these pictures was limited by the length of one’s arm.  They say necessity is the mother of invention and apparently someone thought there was a “necessity” to increase the distance from which a selfie could be taken and thus was born the latest “must have” accessory, the selfie stick.  The selfie stick is a metal rod which extends with a handle on one end and a clamp on the other end to hold a phone in place. The more advanced sticks also have Bluetooth controls, thus allowing the user to wait until the picture is perfect before taking.

You know who would have really like having a selfie stick?  Narcissus.  Perhaps you remember him from Greek Mythology. He was that proud and handsome guy that cared for no one but himself.  His nemesis, who actually was Nemesis, decided to use Narcissus pride against him and led the unsuspecting lad to a pool where he saw his reflection in the water and fell in love with it, not realizing it was merely an image. Unable to leave the beauty of his reflection, Narcissus was never seen or heard from again.

If Narcissus had a selfie stick, he would not have been tied to that reflecting pool.  He could have left while taking his beloved image along.  He could have gone anywhere and taken pictures of himself.  If you saw him today, you probably would not even notice him and his selfie stick among the thousands of self-absorbed folks taking pictures of themselves in any crowd of one or more.  He could then take all of those fantastic selfies and share them on social networking sites like Facebook and Twitter so that everyone could see the pictures and comment on how wonderful he looked.  He could even develop a blog about all his selfies, where he took them and how to take the perfect selfie.  Why, he could manage to be almost as annoying as many people are today.

I will admit that I have appeared in a selfie or two myself and I have posted pictures on Facebook and, it would appear, that I blog as well.  But I promise to do my best to got get too wrapped up in myself and I promise that I will never buy a selfie stick.

I do want to say “thank you” for reading this blog!  The last year has been fun and this post is the 100th for the blog.  I hope you will keep coming back and please feel free to share this with others, the more the merrier!

Friday Funny January 9, 2015 It Is So Cold

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winter09 002

Happy Friday!  This first full week of 2015 has brought cold temperatures to many of us.  We can’t do anything about the weather, but we can laugh about it.

Enjoy!

Jack Frost was nipping at his own nose!

Hitchhikers were holding up signs with pictures of thumbs!

Chickens were lining up at KFC and asking to be put in the pressure cooker!

I tried to buy “Icy Hot” but I only found “Icy”!

The only things cannibals were eating was a cold shoulder!

To help me with me my cold, I had a block of chicken soup!

The barbershop was doing a booming business in thermal hairpieces!

We went ice-fishing in the bathtub!

The winner of the ice sculpture contest was disqualified when it was discovered he WAS the ice sculpture!

Kids were telling the most outrageous lies – hoping their pants might catch on fire!

It took me two hours to walk one block – my shadow kept freezing to the sidewalk!

The lights in my house only come on if I open the door!

Every kind of cereal in the cupboard is FROSTED!

I saw an Amish man buying an electric blanket!

The last time he was seen, Smokey the Bear had grabbed a box of matches and was seen running into the woods!

I was shivering more than a mobster at an IRS audit!

Apple just introduced the iParka.

Politicians were putting their hand in their own pockets!

Thought for the Week 

Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories. ~From the movie An Affair to Remember, written by Delmer Daves, Donald Ogden Stewart, Leo McCarey, and Mildred Cram

http://www.quotegarden.com

 

Differences Between Men and Women #43 Bedspreads

4 Replies

bedspread

I want to visit another one of the many differences between men and women: bedspreads.  If you are a man, you may have never given your bedspread a second thought or even a first thought for that matter.  If you are a women, apparently you have devoted a lot of thoughts to your bedspread.  Google the word “bedspread” and you get 5,940,000 results, none of which originated with a man.

As a guy, I am vaguely aware that there is something that goes on top of the sheets when the bed is made and I refer to this “thing” as a bedspread.  Apparently there is a definition for a bedspread and it is “a decorative cloth used to cover a bed.”  So, to a guy, throwing several jerseys of your favorite sports team across the bed would seem to meet this definition and thus constitute a “bedspread.” My guess is that my wife would not agree with my interpretation.  

To complicate things further, consider that what is covering your bed may not technically be a “bedspread.”  Perhaps it is a quilt (a warm bed covering with all the squares made of padding enclosed between layers of fabric and kept in place by lines of decorative stitching), a duvet (a soft quilt as compared to a hard quilt I suppose – filled with down, feathers, or a something that is not down or feathers), a comforter (a warm quilt, although if the definition of quilt is a warm bed covering what is the difference between a quilt and a warm quilt?), a coverlet (a bedspread, typically less than floor-length – not sure I have ever covered my bed with something that went to the floor on both sides so I must have always had a coverlet), or simply a blanket (a large piece material used as a bed covering which sounds like it meets the definition of all of the others). If you are a guy, then blanket is probably the only word that you recognized in the preceding sentence.  If you are a gal, my guess is you can articulate the nuances between a duvet and a coverlet. 

To my recollection, the following words have never come out of my mouth, “Honey, I think it is time we got a new bedspread.”  I just tried to read that sentence out loud and I just cannot do it.  Another sentence that I have never uttered, “Sweetie, I just saw that there is a really good quilt show at the museum, let’s go.”  

To a woman, a new “bedspread” will bring a new look to the room, especially if it can be accessorized with new sheets, new pillow cases and perhaps, even new curtains.  It will be like a mini room makeover and she will feel energized for a while.  But then the look will become old and tired and she will want to do it all over again.  A guy on the other hand would continue to use that bedspread that went on that nifty race car bed he had growing up if not for the fact that it only fits a single bed.

We must all pick our battles in life and this one is not worth it.  So guys, the next time you wife says it is time for a new bedspread just smile and say, “I think I saw there is a quilt show at the museum, maybe that will give you some ideas, would you like to go?”

Friday Funny January 2, 2015 New Year’s Resolutions

3 Replies

free-new-years-eve-clip-art-1

Happy Friday!  Today brings a brand new year!  Happy 2015!  I want to wish you and yours a Happy New Year and hope that 2015 will be filled with happiness and blessings for you.  And just in case you have had difficulty making a New Year’s Resolution, here are some suggestions for you to choose from.

Enjoy!

I resolve to be more decisive, maybe.

I resolve to have a password other than “password.”

I resolve to conserve energy by spending more time laying on the couch.

I resolve not to text a family member while we are both in the same room.

I resolve to limit myself to seventeen e-mail addresses.

I resolve to stop sending e-mails to myself unless absolutely necessary.

I resolve to chat with my spouse live instead of on Facebook.

I resolve to not say, “LOL… LOL!” out loud when I hear something funny.

I resolve to balance my checkbook — on my nose.

I resolve to be an optimist, forget that, I don’t think I can keep it.

I resolve to watch more TV, if I am paying for 250 channels, then by golly I need to watch 250 channels.

I resolve to learn how to program the VCR I purchased in 1998.

I resolve to get ready for Y2K.

 I resolve to figure out where Waldo is.

Thought for the Week

Be at War with your Vices, at Peace with your Neighbours, and let every New-Year find you a better Man. ~Quoted in Benjamin Franklin’s 1755 Poor Richard’s Almanac, December (quoteinvestigator.com)

NEW YEAR’S EVE

3 Replies

2d0754b51e9ef775c6b85897a48328cc

Have you made your preparations for New Year’s Eve?  Are you excited about New Year’s Eve?  Are you looking forward to New Year’s Eve?  Well, neither am I.  Perhaps I am just getting grumpy in my old age, but I’ve never had a desire to go to New York or anyplace else to see the ball drop.  (If I want to see a ball drop, I can just wait for the Bengals playoff game on Sunday.) I guess I’ve never had much of a desire to do anything on New Year’s Eve.  In fact I cannot remember the last time I even had plans on New Year’s Eve.  

I remember as a kid New Year’s consisted of 1) staying up until midnight which was something I usually did not get to do, 2) watching Guy Lombardo & His Royal Canadians on television which was something I did not especially want to do, and 3) eating Cassano’s Pizza in the living room while watching TV which is something I always wanted to do.  Number 3 was the most impressive part because eating pizza and watching TV at the same time was an experience reserved only for very special occasions.  Sometimes I wonder how different today’s kids would be if they spent New Year’s Eve watching Guy Lombardo (and Lawrence Welk weekly) as I was somewhat forced to do?  But I digress.

As I moved into my teens Guy Lombardo was replaced by the Watch Night Service at church where we gathered to watch movies about the Rapture to ring in the New Year.  This was usually followed by tuning in Wolfman Jack on The Midnight Special upon returning home.  One of the more memorable New Year’s was my senior year in high school when after the Watch Night service I went to a friend’s house where the wild and crazy bunch of kids I hung around with sat around telling jokes and discussing which M&M color tasted the best.  Yes, I did have a real wild streak during my high school years. That year the temperature on New Year’s Eve ranged from a low of -6 to a high of 10 followed by a balmy New Year’s Day with a low of 0 and a high of 14!  Perhaps it was that New Year’s when the thought of going to a college in Florida started to sound like a really, really good idea.

But, alas, even during those college year’s New Year’s Eve was not much better.  Somehow I could manage to stay pretty healthy during the semester only to get sick with my annual throat infection over the Christmas break. One New Year’s Eve I could feel a fever coming on and spent the early part of the evening trying to find a doctor’s office open.  When I finally did, I received the expected news that yes, I had a throat infection and I needed a shot – and the target of choice was not the arm.  The nurse who was probably looking to take out her frustrations on someone for having to work on New Year’s Eve because, unlike me, she probably had plans, attempted to administer the shot and then happily declared’ “oh, this needle is clogged, I will have to go find another one” and with that she left me there for several minutes while she, supposedly,  went to find a new needle.  Upon her return with the new clog-free needle she informed me that she would try the new needle on the other side.  I suppose that New Year’s Eve I learned what it means to turn the other “cheek,”

When my boys were small New Year’s was fun because they were excited to stay up late, eat lots of junk and ring in the New Year.  Then, of course,  there was all the excitement of Y2K – when, as it turned out, nothing happened, just like most of my New Year’s.  Now the boys are all out doing their own thing on New Year’s Eve and that just leaves the two of us at home with the odds being pretty good that neither of us will actually be awake at midnight.

So, here is wishing you a Happy New Year and hoping that you get to whoop it up this New Year’s Eve! I see that there are plenty of Guy Lombardo videos on YouTube, so maybe for old time’s sake I’ll see if I can find a Cassanos and eat in front of the computer monitor which, by the way, probably has a larger screen than that old black and white TV in the living room did.  Yes sir, I am going to start off 2015 living on the edge!

Friday Funny December 26, 2014 Fruit Cake

4 Replies

926807

This Friday Funny greets the day after Christmas.  The presents have all been opened and a lot of goodies have been eaten.  All that remains are the leftovers, the returns, the bills, and, for some, the fruit cake.  Perhaps you are a fan of fruit cake, this Friday Funny is not for you.  If you are in the 99.98% that are not fans of fruit cake, read on and enjoy!

Did you know that fruitcake has been around since the time of ancient Rome, some even think that the fruit cakes passed around to today were originally re-gifted in the mid-first century.  Perhaps it is an urban legend, but some people have been rumored to have actually eaten fruitcake, most likely after all of the figgie pudding and mincemeat pies were gone.

We you hear the words “fruit cake,” perhaps it brings to mind an image of fruits and nuts with just enough batter to hold them together. Why eat something that might be healthy like fruits and nuts by themselves when you can take away the nutritional and the taste by adding a little cake batter?

Did you know that if wrapped properly and sealed tightly, a fruitcake may be kept for months or even years?   However, if your fruitcake is older than you are, it is probably time to pass it along or consider burying it at the nearest site that accepts hazardous material.

But, if by chance you want to live on the wild side and get the urge to make your own fruitcake, here are a few basic Fruitcake-Making Tips:

  To prevent over-browning (we wouldn’t want the appearance of our fruitcake to be less appealing than it already is would we?), line the bottom and sides of the pan with foil. If you leave extra foil overlapping the sides, it will make a little carrier that will help you transport it to the trashcan.

  When baking, set the fruitcake pan in a baking pan (13×9-inch) half-filled with water to prevent burning around the edges.  Set the pan in the garbage can and place at the curb.  You might need to check local laws regarding hazardous waste.

  Let fruitcake cool in the pan for about 10 days, then turn out onto a rack to cool completely.

  For long-term storage, bury the fruitcake at night at a safe distance at an unmarked location.

If, on the other hand, you find yourself on the receiving end of a fruitcake, here are a few suggestions for what to do with it.

1) Put it in a safe place for ten years, then re-gift.

2) Use ti as a weight to hold down your portable basketball goal, this will help to keep the goal from tipping over during periods of high winds.

3)  If you get two, tie at each end of a study pole and use as a free weight.

4)  If you have pickup truck, you can place fruitcake in the truck bed to add weight for traction in the snow.

5)  Fruitcakes make excellent boundary markers for your driveway or yard during snowy months and the hold their shape no matter how many times you or the snow plow run over them.

6)  If you cannot use it during the winter months, just hang onto it until spring and use as a boat anchor.

Thought for the Week
When we were children we were grateful to those who filled our stockings at Christmas time.  Why are we not grateful to God for filling our stockings with legs? ~G.K. Chesterton

http://www.quotegarden.com

 

I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day

1 Reply

christmas_bells

At this time of the year, we are bombarded by holiday music.  Some stations have had Christmas music nonstop since the end of November.  Perhaps, like me, you find yourself singing along once in a while with one of your favorites.  Perhaps certain songs bring back a special Christmas memory.  Perhaps, by now, you have just become numb as all the songs have just blended into white noise in the background.

Yet, even though we cannot get away from the Holiday songs, do we really “hear” them?  Even though we might sing along with the lyrics, do we really “know” them?  One song comes to my mind today.  It is a song that you hear occasionally this time of year, “I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day.”  

This lyrics were written by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow on Christmas Day 1863.  He wrote at a time that this country was torn by Civil War and just several weeks after his son had been severely wounded in the war.  He wrote it not too long after he had lost his wife in an accidental fire.  Mr. Wadsworth’s world was not full of candy canes and gum drops, it was full of hurt and pain just like the world that we live in.  Yet, he did not let his gloom get the best of him, he struggled on until he could hear those “bells peal more loud and deep.”  This Christmas Eve my wish to you is that you might hear “a voice, a chime, a chant sublime, Of peace on earth, good will to men.”

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day
Their old familiar carols play,
And wild and sweet the words repeat
Of peace on earth, good will to men.

I thought how, as the day had come,
The belfries of all Christendom
Had rolled along the unbroken song
Of peace on earth, good will to men.

And in despair I bowed my head:
“There is no peace on earth,” I said,
“For hate is strong and mocks the song
Of peace on earth, good will to men.”

Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:
“God is not dead, nor doth he sleep;
The wrong shall fail, the right prevail,
With peace on earth, good will to men.”

Till, ringing singing, on its way,
The world revolved from night to day,
A voice, a chime, a chant sublime,
Of peace on earth, good will to men!