Author Archives: Leonard

Friday Funny March 11, 2022 Baseball Through The Eyes Of Bob Uecker

Happy Friday! With all the stuff going on in the world, baseball is a pretty trivial thing.  However, sometimes a little distraction from all that is going on is nice.  The baseball players and owners have reached an agreement and soon the crack of the bat will again be heard as players get active in spring training. So, let’s turn to one of the sages of baseball this week for some quotations from Bob Uecker.

Enjoy!

“I knew when my career was over. In 1965, my baseball card came out with no picture.”

“The best way to catch a knuckleball is to wait until the ball stops rolling and then pick it up.”

“I set records that will never be equaled. In fact, I hope 90% of them don’t even get printed.”

“They said I was such a great prospect that they were sending me to a winter league to sharpen up. When I stepped off the plane, I was in Greenland.”

“I had a great shoe contract and glove contract with a company who paid me a lot of money never to be seen using their stuff.”

“Career highlights? I had two. I got an intentional walk from Sandy Koufax and I got out of a rundown against the Mets.”

“I led the league in go get ’em next time.”

“When I looked to the third base coach for a sign, he turned his back on me.”

“In 1962 I was named Minor League Player of the Year. It was my second season in the bigs.”

“Baseball hasn’t forgotten me. I go to a lot of old-timers games and I haven’t lost a thing. I sit in the bullpen and let people throw things at me. Just like old times.”

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Baseball, it is said, is only a game. True. And the Grand Canyon is only a hole in Arizona. Not all holes, or games, are created equal.” ~ George F. Will (American Newspaper Columnist, Writer, and Journalist)

Friday Funny M<arch 4, 2022 More Cat Jokes

Welcome to March!  With all the crazy stuff going on in the world maybe you need to take a moment to laugh at cats.

Enjoy!

Did you hear about the alien who found a cat?  He said, “Take me to your litter.”

The other day I heard a joke about a three-legged cat, it was a major faux paw.

Would you call a fluffy male cat asleep on a bed a Him-a-lay-an?

I inherited a pencil once owned by Shakespeare but my cat chewed it up so badly that I can’t tell if it’s 2B or not 2B.

Is it true that a cat’s favorite TV show is Claw and Order?

Did you hear about the cat who lost all her savings when she invested in a  purr-a-mid scheme?

Would you call a cat who was super-stylish –“Haute-cat-ture”?

When two cats part ways do they say “See ya litter”?

Is it true that  a cat’s favorite subject in school is Hisss-tory?

Would you call a cat who lives in an igloo an eskimew?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“I gave my cats a bath the other day … they love it. He sat there, he enjoyed it, it was fun for me. The fur would stick to my tongue, but other than that…” ~ Steve Martin

Friday Funny February 25, 2022 Some Mondegreens

Happy Friday!  Congratulations on making it to the end of February!  This week I thought I would break out some more song lyrics that are often misheard.  (If you want to impress your friends – they are called mondegreens.)  I am guessing there is a good chance one or more of these songs will be stuck in your head until the first of March.

Enjoy!

“We built this city on sausage rolls”/“We built this city on rock and roll”

‘We Built This City’ by Starship

“Saving his life from this warm sausage tea”/“Spare him his life from this monstrosity”

‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ by Queen

“A year has passed since I broke my nose”/“A year has passed since I wrote my note”

‘Message in a Bottle’ by The Police

“This is the dawning of the Age of Asparagus”/“This is the dawning of the Age of Aquarius”

‘Aquarius/Let the Sunshine In’ by Fifth Dimension

“Kicking your cat all over the place”/“Kicking your can all over the place”

‘We Will Rock You’ by Queen

“We didn’t start the fire, it was always burning, said the worst attorney”/ “We didn’t start the fire, it was always burning, since the world’s been turning”

‘We Didn’t Start the Fire’ by Billy Joel

“You’ve been outright offensive, for so long now”/“You’ve been out riding fences, for so long now”

‘Desperado’ by The Eagles

“I travel the world in generic jeans”/“I travel the world and the seven seas”

‘Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This)’ by The Eurythmics

“See that girl, watch her scream, kicking the dancing queen”/“See that girl, watch that scene, dig in the dancing queen”

‘Dancing Queen’ by ABBA

“I’ve got two chickens to paralyze”/“I’ve got two tickets to paradise”

‘Two Tickets to Paradise’ by Eddie Money

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Late February days; and now, at last,
Might you have thought that winter’s woe was past;
So fair the sky was, and so soft the air.”


~William Morris, “February: Bellerophon in Lycia,” The Earthly Paradise: A Poem, 1870

WWW.QUOTEGARDEN.COM

Friday Funny February 18, 2022 Techy Jokes

Happy Friday!  Technology is all around us impacting almost every part of our lives.  So, the least we can do is laugh about it once in a while.

Enjoy!

Would you call an iPhone that had run out of battery power Dead Siri-ous?

I found my Google Phone wearing glasses, apparently it has lost its contacts.

I had to change my password today.  I tried using ‘beef stew’ but I got a message that it was not strong-anoff.

 I heard that the PowerPoint presentation crossed the road to get to the other slide.

I worked with a guy who was so dense that he took his computer to his dentist to get his Bluetooth checked.

Is it true that horse have a very difficult time with the internet because they have trouble finding stable connections?

Would you call a ride sharing app that serves breakfast Eggs Uber Easy?

I accidentally dropped by new Google phone from the 25th floor, I am lucky it was in airplane mode.

I am so old that I can remember when I knew more than my phone.

I heard Marvel is working on a new techy-computer superhero, he will be a real Screen Saver.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.  Teach a man to Phish and he will steal your identity.

I just got fired from my job at the keyboard factory, apparently, I was not putting in enough shifts.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

A picture is worth a thousand words but it takes 3,000 times the disk space. ~Author unknown

WWW.QUOTEGARDEN.COM

Multi-Blade Razors When Is Enough Enough?

The morning shave is a necessary evil for me. I do not think a beard would fill in well for me and if it did, I am afraid instead of it making me look lie a “distinguished gentleman” it would just make me look like an “old geezer.”

Alas this is not a new struggle. Man has been fighting the never ending battle with facial hair since the dawn of history. Over the course of his life, a man will typically spend 3,000 hours of his life shaving. I have been told that I first tried shaving while on a family vacation when I was two years old. fortunately, I do not remember the experience but I think there is a faint scar on my lip to attest to the veracity of the event.

In the early days of history as shaving spread through the civilized world, men of unshaven societies – those “unbarbered” became known as “barbarians.” For thousands of years man struggled with items like stone, flint, clamshells and any other sharp material they could find. A big breakthrough came with the steel straight razor and men flocked to see the barber who could offer a close shave at a reasonable price.

An even bigger break came in 1903, when Gillette introduced the world’s first system razor—a two-piece safety razor with a thin, strong, sharp double-edge blade attached to a reusable handle. For several decades man was happy with this wonder of modern technology. Then in 1974 Bic introduced the disposable razor. Now you could just throw the whole thing away and get a new one. The razor wars were on now! In 1977 Gillette brought out the Trac II with not one, but two blades! Then March 1998 saw the introduction by Gillette of the Mach3 with not one, not two but three blades!

Recently I needed a new razor and when I went to the razor supply in my bathroom I pulled out a FIVE blade razor! It makes me wonder where this will stop 6? 8? 15? 25? Will it stop when the the razor covers the entire side of your face? One stroke on the right, one stroke on the left and you are done! I suppose that might cut down on what remains of the 3000 hours I will spend shaving. I am all for progress but there has to be a limit on this somewhere.

Maybe I will begin my own little protest movement to end this craziness and return to a simpler time. So, if you will excuse me, I need to go find a clamshell or a sharp rock.

Friday Funny February 11, 2022 Super Bowl Conversation Hearts

Happy Friday and Happy Super Bowl Weekend!  I have posted in prior years about my personal tradition of not watching the Super Bowl.  This year I will make the exception that I never expected to make – I will watch the Super Bowl because the Bengals are playing (I wrote that and I still do not believe it).  I will however leave the room during the halftime show unless the performance is “Up With People.”

This weekend brings the confluence of the Super Bowl and the cusp of Valentines Day so I was thinking that those conversation hears people need to take advantage of this and have Super Bowl themed conversation hearts.  I think the following would be a good start!

Enjoy!

Who Dey!             It Is Us!

Joey B                  Joe Cool

Apple A Day         Take the Bates

Touch Down         It’s Good!

Money Mac          Catch ‘n Chase

Eye of the Tiger    Super Bowl LVI

Mix ‘n Run           Punt

Kick                      Pass

Bandwagon          Underdog

Stripes!                 Bengals

To The House       Teamwork

First Down!          D-FENCE

1ST & Goal            Off Sides!

Victory                 Holding

Tee Time              Good Boyd

Snap                     Special Teams

Huddle                 Time Out

Blitz                     Joey Franchise

Zebras                  Uz-O-Mah

Fair Catch             Free Play

Fumble                 Icing

Shot Gun              Pocket

Interception          Reception

Sack                     Scramble

Spike                    Stiff Arm

Taunting               Touchback

Illegal Shift           Rush

Weak Side            Zone

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“You don’t live in Cleveland. You live in Cincinnati!” ~ Sam Wyche, Cincinnati Bengals Coach

Groundhogs and Valentines

February is a bridge between the cold dark days of January and the brighter, almost spring days of late March.  It is the shortest month of the year and might just drift by unnoticed if not for a few special days that it holds.  February has Presidents’ Day, but unless you work for the government or a bank or are shopping for mattresses or apparel Presidents Day does not have much of an impact.  The other two special days do impact all of us: Groundhog Day and Valentines Day.  The one gives us the often wrong prediction from a rodent on when winter will end and the other compels us to send cards, candy and flowers as a sign of affection.

During my freshman year in college, I visited the campus bookstore one day and came across a card that on the outside said “February is the month for Groundhogs and Valentines” on the inside was the question, “Which Do You Want to Be?” In a moment of questionable judgment, I purchased and mailed the card. I was in the midst of the quandary that countless young men and women go through – I was in college a thousand miles away from the young lady that I had dated in high school and was trying to figure out where I was going and where that relationship stood.  At the time, I found the card amusing in the snarky, sarcastic type of humor that was so ingrained in me at that point in my life.

In the many years that have passed, I realize that the card said quite a lot about the person that sent it and that I was the person that really needed to answer that question – was I a groundhog or was I a Valentine? 

I imagine that you have heard the story of St. Valentine.  At a time when the Emperor was prohibiting marriage under the premise that single men made better soldiers, St. Valentine would perform marriage ceremonies in defiance of the edict. He was eventually caught, imprisoned and tortured for performing marriage ceremonies against command of Emperor Claudius the second. He stood for love and uniting those who loved each other even at a tremendous personal cost.  On the other hand, a groundhog is a common rodent who rarely travels far from a burrow entrance.

So I have to ask myself – do I want to be someone who stands up for what is good and right even if it goes against popular or even “official” opinion or do I want to be someone who just dashes out once in awhile never wondering very far from safety?  Do I want to be someone willing to take great risk or do I want to be someone that runs from his own shadow? It has been decades since I came across that card and I am still trying to answer that question.  What about you?

 

Friday Funny February 4, 2022 Potato Jokes

Happy February! Congratulations on making it through the first month of 2022.  Let’s kick off a new month with some potato jokes.

Enjoy!

Is it true that the potato crossed the road because he saw a fork up ahead?

I heard the father potato say to his son before the football game that he would be rooting for him.

Would you call a potato wearing glasses a spec-tater?

Would you call a fake potato an imi-tater?

Is it true that a potato’s favorite TV show is Starch Trek?

If you chopped the head off of a potato, would you say that it had been decap-potatoed?

Would you call a potato that’s always looking for a fight an agi-tater?

I heard that the father potato did not want his daughter to marry the news reporter because he was just a commen-tater.

I once knew a girl who owned three french-fry factories. I was very impressed but she said it was just small potatoes.

Would you call an indecisive potato a hesi-tater?

Would you call a potato that gets things done a facili-tater?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Work like you don’t need the money. Love like you’ve never been hurt. Dance like nobody’s watching.” ~ Satchel Paige

Friday Funnies January 28, 2022 Football Funnies

Happy last Friday in January! 2022 is almost 1/12 over which is hard to believe.  What is even harder to believe is that the Cincinnati Bengals are playing in the ACF Championship this weekend.  Maybe, just maybe, the tide is turning for the franchise that has been the brunt of jokes for too long.  So let’s kick off the weekend with some football jokes.

Who-Dey!

Is it true that when football players begin to have vision problems, they become referees?

Would you call an offensive lineman’s kid a chip off the old blocker?

Should centers wear hiking shoes?

Joe Burrow tried to tell a joke to his receivers but it went over their heads.

As the Bengals were boarding the plane for Kansas City, Mike Brown went up the service desk and said, “Put me in coach!”

If you crossed Joe Burrow with a carpet would you get a throw rug?

If you do not want to catch Covid-19 try dressing up as an NFL referee because they never seem to know what a catch is.

I heard that Joe Burrow had a dream that he would be an NFL quarterback – it appears his prediction came to pass.

Is it true that centipedes are not allowed to play football teams because it takes them too long to put their cleats on?

Is it true that old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away?

This week I wanted to make the Friday Funnies about football, I guess it is my goal post.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

When you win, say nothing. When you lose, say less.” ~ Paul Brown

Friday Funny January 21, 2022 Strolling Down the Garden Path Sentence

Happy Friday!  Greetings again, another week down and time for a little levity.  We use words all day, every day and when we turn them around a little, they can bring a smile to us.

The following could be referred to as “Garden Path Sentences.”  They try to  deceive one in a sequence of steps, they “lead you down the garden path” to mislead you into parsing and interpreting them incorrectly.

Enjoy!

To write with a broken pencil is …pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes . . . take debate.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes . . . was on shaky ground.

A dentist and a manicurist married…then they fought tooth and nail.

With her marriage, she got a new name . .. . and a dress.

You are stuck with your debt if . . . you can’t budge it.

A boiled egg is . . . hard to beat.

When you’ve seen one shopping center . . . you’ve seen a mall.

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was . . . resisting a rest.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could . . .. jog your memory.

A bicycle can’t stand alone; . . . it is two-tired.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine . . . was fully recovered.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, . . . she thought she’d dye.

Acupuncture is . . . a jab well done.

Thought for the Week

“It’s a strange world of language in which skating on thin ice can get you into hot water.”  ~Franklin P. Jones

www.quotegarden.com