Author Archives: Leonard

Friday Funny August 11, 2017 Zombie jokes

Happy Friday!  Don’t look behind you, a zombie might be gaining on you!

Enjoy!

Q: What does it take to become a zombie?
A: DEADication!

Q: What did the zombie’s friend say when he introduced him to his girlfriend?
A: Good grief! Where did you dig her up from?

Q: What is a zombie’s favorite toy?
A: A DEADY bear!

Q: What did the zombie say before his fight?
A: Do you want a piece of me?

Q: Why did the zombie cross the road?
A: He wanted to eat the chicken!

Q: What has a dog’s head, a cat’s tail and brains all over its face?
A: A zombie coming out of the pet store!

Q: What did the zombie say to his date?
A: I just love a woman with BRAAAINS!

Q: Where do most zombies live?                                                                                                            A: On DEAD end streets! 

Q: What did the man say to his forgetful zombie wife?                                                                      A: You forgot your HEAD because it wasn’t attached!

Q: Did you hear about the zombie who tortured his victims with music?                                   A: His BACH was worse than his bite!

Thought for the Week

I am one of those people who just can’t help getting a kick out of life — even when it’s a kick in the teeth. ~Polly Adler

http://www.quotegarden.com

 

Friday Funny August 4, 2017 Wise Words of Mark Twain

Happy Friday! It is hard to believe that August is here and back-to-school is just around the corner.  This week, let’s dust off some memorable lines from one of America’s most notable writers, Mark Twain.

Enjoy!

The secret of getting ahead is getting started.

When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old.

I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.

Let us so live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.

Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.

Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.

Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.

It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.

The best way to cheer yourself is to try to cheer someone else up.

The man who doesn’t read good books has no advantage over the man who can’t read them.

Thunder is good, thunder is impressive; but it is lightning that does the work.

It’s no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense.

Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often.

All generalizations are false, including this one.

Thought for the Week

If the world comes to an end, I want to be in Cincinnati. Everything comes there ten years later.~ often attributed to Mark Twain

Friday Funny July 28, 2017 More Elephant Jokes

Happy Friday!  Another work week is winding down. So, here is a baker’s dozen of elephant jokes to brighten your day.  I know you will groan, but I bet you will tell at least one of them to someone today!

Enjoy!

Q: What do you call an elephant that rides a bus?
A: A passenger.

Q: Why don’t African elephants like to play cards?
A: Because of all the cheetahs.

Q: What kind of elephants live at the North Pole?
A: Cold ones.

Q: How do elephants talk to each other?
A: By ’elephone.

Q: Where do you find elephants?
A: It depends on where you left them.

Q: Why don’t elephants ride bicycles?
A: They don’t have thumbs to ring the bell.

Q: What weighs 5,000 pounds and wears glass slippers?
A: Cinderelephant!

Q: What did the cat say to the elephant?
A: “Meow!”

Q: How many elephants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Don’t be silly, elephants can’t change light bulbs!

Q: What do you know when you see three elephants walking down the street wearing red sweatshirts?
A: They’re all on the same team.

Q: How do you fit 5 elephants in a Volkswagen Beetle?
A: Two in the front, two in the back, and one in the glove compartment.

Q: What do you give a seasick elephant?
A: Lots of room.

Q: What do elephants do for laughs?
A: They tell people jokes.

Thought for the Week

“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas.  How he got into my pajamas, I’ll never know” ~ Groucho Marx

 

Friday Funny July 21, 2017 Tips for Staying Cool

Happy Friday!  We are definitely in the midst of summer.  The days are long and hot! Here a few tips you might want to try to help you beat the heat this weekend.

Enjoy!

Wear lighter color clothes, preferable made of cotton – try picking out your clothes before you go to bed and put them in the refrigerator over night.

If your feet are hot, your feel hot all over – so when you pick out your socks, put them in the freezer overnight.

While you are in the freezer, grab an ice tray and some food coloring and make some festive ice cubes.  In the morning when yo are pulling your socks out, make an ice-cube necklace or bracelet.  This is a great and cool way to accessorize your summer look.

Make a trip to the grocery store.  Most likely they are air-conditioned, so you can cool off as you shop.  If you are lucky you can find a fairly empty freezer in one of the aisles that will be empty enough for you to lie down in and take a quick, cool nap before management escorts you out of the store,

On your way out of the grocery be sure to pick up some frozen dinners.  It is too hot to cook.  If you like your food extra cool and crispy skip the over and the microwave and just eat the dinner frozen.  

Another item to pick up on your way out of the grocery is some dry ice.  This is perfect for a quick cool down for that hot cup of coffee.  As an added bonus, you drop just a little bit into your cup at work and it will look like steam rising from you coffee.  You can walk away from your office for hours and everyone who comes looking for you will think, “gee I just missed him/her because he/she just stepped away from a hot cup of coffee.”

Bring a sprinkler with you to the office.  It will cool everyone down and build camaraderie at the same time.  You might want to cover your computer with plastic first.

Remember as a kid how you loved a good water balloon fight to cool you down?  Take it the next level and leave the water balloons in the freezer overnight

Rent a Zamboni and get a nice layer of ice down on your driveway.  Slide, skate, just sit down on it or start-up a neighborhood hockey game.

Finally here is a great two-step process for a cool nights sleep.  First find that old water bed mattress that is gathering dust in the attic, then rent an Icee machine,  Fill the water-bed full of Icee and a cool, refreshing night awaits.

Thought for the Week

Then followed that beautiful season… Summer….
Filled was the air with a dreamy and magical light; and the landscape
Lay as if new created in all the freshness of childhood.
~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny July 14, 2017 Frightfully Busy

Happy Friday!  It is amazing how quickly another week rolls around.  It seems like each week is busier and passes quicker than the previous week.  Sometimes I feel like I am as ………

Enjoy!

I feel like I am as busy as…..

a one-armed paperhanger with a case of the hives.

a one-eyed cat watching nine rat holes.

a one-legged man on Dancing With The Stars.

a one-toothed man in a corn-on-the-cob eating contest.

a termite in a saw mill.

a one-armed trombone player.

a Kardashian with a new camera phone

a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs

a cross-eyed air traffic controller

a claustrophobic mime trapped in an imaginary box

a dentist at a candy convention

a Turkey farmer the week of Thanksgiving

a grocery store just before a snowstorm

a relief pitcher for the Cincinnati Reds

a Cleveland Browns quarterback under a full blitz

an elf on Christmas Eve

an accountant without a pencil

Thought for the Week

“I wanted to figure out why I was so busy, but I couldn’t find the time to do it.” 
― Todd Stocker

Friday Funny July 7, 2017 Pirate Jokes

Happy Friday!  I hope you had a great 4th of July.  This week it just seemed like a good time for some pirate jokes.

Enjoy!

Why did the pirate become such a good boxer?
He had a great right hook.

What do you call a pirate with two eyes, two hands and two legs?
A beginner.

How do pirates know that they are pirates?
They think so, therefore they arrr.

Why do pirates carry a bar of soap at all times?
In case of shipwreck it will wash him ashore.

How did the pirate get his Jolly Roger so cheaply?
He bought it on sail.

How much do pirates pay for piercings?
A buck-an-ear.

Why couldn’t the pirate play cards?                                                                                                  Because he was sitting on the deck.

What is a pirate’s favorite kind of cookie?
Ships Ahoy!

Where did the  one-legged pirate go for breakfast?
IHOP.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

To err is human.   To arr is definitely pirate.

Thought for the Week

One day, someone showed me a glass of water that was half full. And he said, “Is it half full or half empty?” So I drank the water. No more problem. ~Alexander Jodorowsky

http://www.quotegarden.com

 


 

Friday Funny June 30, 2017 Grilling Time

Happy Friday!  It is hard to believe that 2017 is at the halfway point and that today is the last day of June! The Fourth of July is just a few days away, so, let’s celebrate with thankful hearts the blessings and freedom that we enjoy each and every day. And be safe out there around the grill!

Enjoy!

This 4th of July is almost upon  us.  A great time to celebrate independence and to reflect on the history and purpose of this country.

For many the fourth of July also means family gatherings and picnics.  With family gatherings and picnics come grilled stuff like hamburgers and hot dogs and ribs and chicken. Mankind has enjoyed a good cookout ever since the day that man first discovered fire.  It is a little known fact that immediately upon discovering fire, some saber tooth  tiger meat was put on the fire and the consensus was that barbecue was a tremendous improvement over raw meat.  

Yet from ancient times to the present day, man has always had the challenge of getting the fire to just the right temperature for proper grilling. One of the great inventions to aid in this endeavor was the invention of charcoal.  The problem with charcoal is waiting for the coals to be hot and ready for cooking. Have you ever lit the grill and waited and waited and waited only to go back expecting nice red, hot coals yet find only cold, black coals because the coals just did not catch fire?

Over the years many great minds have worked on inventions and improvements to help us reduce that long period of waiting for the charcoal to get hot so that we can get down to the business of grilling.  We used to have to get the bag of charcoal and the can of lighter fluid out. You would arrange the coals, pour the lighter fluid, light the fire (trying not to scorch your eyebrows) and wait. Then you would add more lighter fluid, light the fire again (trying not to get engulfed in the fireball) and wait some more. Then came the charcoal with the lighter fluid in the coals where you light the coals and wait, then go find the can of lighter fluid, pour the lighter fluid, light the fire (trying not to scorch your eyebrows) and wait some more. Even better are the small bags that you simply put the bag in the grill, light the bag and wait, then go find the can of lighter fluid, pour the lighter fluid, light the fire (trying not to scorch your eyebrows) and wait some more. Many people have opted for gas grills for the ease of lighting and the quick warm-up time and to avoid having scorched eyebrows.

Now comes the next great leap grilling technology.  Engineers at Purdue University have made quantum leaps in the science of grill lighting. They have put their quantitative brains to work on how to speed up this process. The first thought was to blow on the charcoal with a hair dryer to speed things along. The next thought was that if a hair dryer was good, maybe a vacuum cleaner would be even better. Then as their “Tim the Toolman Taylor” thinking took over they moved onto a propane torch then an acetylene torch. Still not satisfied, they moved onto compressed oxygen and finally to liquid oxygen. Yes the stuff that is 295 degrees below zero and is the form of oxygen used as rocket fuel. This produces a 10,000 degree fireball that can have those coals ready for the burgers in a mere three seconds. So, if things are running a little late on the grill tomorrow, just grab a little liquid oxygen and you’ll be grilling in no time. Your eyebrows can always grow back later.

Happy Grilling!

What do you get if you cut two legs off a cow?…………….lean beef!

What do you get if you cut four things off a cow?…………ground beef!

Thought for the Week

You have to love a nation that celebrates its independence every July 4, not with a parade of guns, tanks, and soldiers who file by the White House in a show of strength and muscle, but with family picnics where kids throw Frisbees, the potato salad gets iffy, and the flies die from happiness. You may think you have overeaten, but it is patriotism. ~Erma Bombeck

http://www.quotegarden.com

 

Friday Funny June 23, 2017 Ten Summer Travel Ideas for Kentucky

Happy Friday! Summer is officially here and for many that means travel and summer vacations.  If you are still searching for just the spot to spend your time this summer, here are a few spots in the Commonwealth of Kentucky that you might want to check out.

Enjoy!

Stegowagen-volkssaurus – W. Frank Steely Library at Northern Kentucky University, Highland Heights, KY.  In 1973 an art teacher at the University of Cincinnati and in 1973 recognized that the Volkswagen Beetle had the same humped shape as the body of the Stegosaurus. It then occurred to her that cars used fossil fuels (made from dinosaurs) and about how they might become extinct (like the dinosaurs). So, she took a year-long unpaid leave of absence from her job to create Stegowagenvolkssaurus, literally “shingle-covered-car-people’s-lizard.”

Vent Haven: Ventriloquist Museum – Ft. Mitchell, KY -While it might sound a bit creepy, Vent Haven (“vent” is lingo for “ventriloquist”) is housed in a private home and several small outbuildings on a pleasant, tree-shaded dead-end street in a sparkle-clean southern suburb of Cincinnati. Lisa Sweasy, the curator, is an energetic encyclopedia of ventriloquism facts and history, and she understands that one of her jobs is to be candid about dummy-phobia and to put visitors’ fears to rest.

Big Sandy Heritage Museum: Hatfield-McCoy – Pikeville, KY. The Big Sandy Heritage Museum serves two audiences: fans of the Hatfield-McCoy feud and fans of Pikeville and Pike County.  Hatfield-McCoy fans are the majority.  Just don’t get into a family feud on your visit.

The Harland Sanders Café – Corbin, KY – a historic restaurant located in  Corbin, Kentucky. Colonel Harland Sanders, the founder of Kentucky Fried Chicken, operated the restaurant from 1940-1956. Sanders also developed the famous KFC secret recipe at the café during the 1940s. It was added to the National Register of Historic Places on August 7, 1990.   

Duncan Hines Museum, Western Kentucky University, Bowling Green, KY -Duncan Hines was, in fact, real and you can see his smiling wax dummy Duncan Hines in his kitchen. He was a native of Bowling Green. Before “Duncan Hines” became a brand of cake mixes, the man was a trusted author of restaurant and lodging recommendations. He was passionate about good food and hospitality. .

Bank Robbed by Jesse James – Russellville,KY. –  – on HWY 68 you will find the old Southern Deposit Bank Building which is now the Logan County Museum.  However, when it was a bank; it was robbed by Jesse James. Every October, during the Tobacco Festival Parade, a re-enactment of the robbery is staged on the street in front of the Museum

World’s Largest Baseball Bat – Louisville Slugger Museum World’s Largest Baseball Bat – Louisville, KY. -120 feet tall and 68,000 pounds of steel. In addition to the bat, you can also tour the factory and museum where they make baseball bats for major league players.

Florence Y’all Water Tower – Florence, KY — When the Florence Mall in Boone County was laid out in the 1960s, the first thing built was a huge water tower. Since this was visible from I-75, they decided to promote the mall by painting Florence Mall on the tower. However, someone decided that it was illegal to “advertise” the Mall on a public utility.  The cheapest and easiest solution was to change the “M” to “Y’” so “Mall” became “Y’all” a noted landmark to this day.

Monkey’s Eyebrow, KY – There are several Kentucky sites with odd names but you just can’t top Monkey’s Eyebrow, located in northern Ballard County, on Ky. Hwy. 473.

Wagersville, KY – On HWY 89 south of Irvine you can pass by (don’t blink) the remnants of Wagersville and yes, I am related to those Wagers.  After you see Wagersville you can take a hike up nearby Happy Top Mountain one of the highest points in Estill County.

Thought for the Week

Soon after, I returned home to my family, with a determination to bring them as soon as possible to live in Kentucky, which I esteemed a second paradise, at the risk of my life and fortune. ~ Daniel Boone

 

 

Friday Funny June 16, 2017 Things You Never Heard Your Father Say

Happy Friday!  This weekend we celebrate Father’s Day.  If you are fortunate to have you Dad around, be sure to let him know you appreciate him.  Growing up we heard Day say a lot of things, but here are a few words that most likely never came out of his mouth.

Enjoy!

Today’s music is so much better than when I was young.

Hey, let me hold your purse while you try that on. 

I am pretty sure I am lost, let’s pull over and ask that nice lady over there for directions.

Why don’t you find out just how fast this car can go?

What do you mean you want to play football? Isn’t figure skating good enough for you, son?

I really can’t decide between oatmeal, sandalwood or barley grass for the color to paint this room.

You know I am sending you to college to have a good time, don’t let an education get in the way of that.

Leave the lights on, the electric company could use a little more of my money. 

A new comforter on this bed would make a big difference in this room.

This new pattern in the curtains is simply fabulous! Where did you get the fabric?

Midnight is a pretty early curfew.  I don’t want to see you come through that door before 2:00 AM.

I LOVE that tattoo!  It is really going to open up some great employment opportunities in the future.

You room is just too neat, you need to clutter it up a bit.

There is just way too much sports coverage on television, we need more cultural programming.

When I was growing up, we just had it way too easy!  

Thought for the Week

He didn’t tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it. ~Clarence Budington Kelland

http://www.quotegarden.com

My Most Memorable Exam

Over the course of my life, I have taken a lot of tests:  grade school tests, college tests, driving tests, certification tests.  I do not think I looked forward to taking tests, I do not think that I enjoyed taking tests and most tests that I took have been long forgotten. However, there is one test that has stuck in my mind for almost forty years.

Before I discovered the joys of accountancy, I started college as a history major at Stetson University in beautiful DeLand, Florida.  (The twenty degrees below zero temperatures during the winter of my senior year of high school in Ohio might have influenced that decision.)  At Stetson I had some very, very good history professors. Perhaps my favorite was Dr. Marc Lovelace.  Dr. Lovelace was trained as an archaeologist and had spent a lot of time in the Middle East literally digging up history.  When taking about ancient civilizations, Dr, Lovelace could almost bring them to life with his stories.

My freshman year, I had Dr. Lovelace for History of Western Civilization both semesters. The spring semester covered 1650 – present.  His tests usually consisted of a few essay questions like, “If you could be anyone during this period of time, who would you be and why?”  Some did not like this approach, but I was one of those who preferred his questions to filling in endless lists of dates and places.

When it came time for the spring final, I reviewed the material and I reviewed my notes hoping to be prepared for whatever questions he had formulated.  When it came time for the final, Dr. Lovelace walked into the classroom, he handed out the blue essay books for us to write our answers in.  Then Dr. Lovelace picked up a piece of chalk and wrote the following, “If homo sapien means thinking man, what has man been thinking since 1650 and what value is it to us today?”  Then he sat down.

One question: explain the world since 1650!  I do not remember exactly how I answered that day, but it must have been OK because my grade for the class was pretty good. However I have always remembered that test and have often told this story.  It has also occurred to me that I have never really finished that exam. Each time I recall that one question exam, it also makes me think once again about what man has been thinking, what does history really teach us?  

A test that is never finished and keeps one thinking, isn’t that what education is really about?