Author Archives: Leonard

Friday Funny November 25, 2016 Thanksgiving

turkey

I hope you were able to enjoy Thanksgiving Day.   In 1863 Abraham Lincoln proclaimed the last Thursday of November as a national day of Thanksgiving in the midst of the Civil War. Since 1939, the fourth Thursday in November has been designated as that goes far beyond parades, football and holiday shopping deals.

Of course, we realize that the roots of Thanksgiving goes mush further back.  From our earliest days in grade school we associated Thanksgiving with the Pilgrims and their 1621 feast which lasted three days and consisted of fish, shellfish, fowl, venison, berried, fruit, vegetables, grains, beans, corn and squash.  Even in the midst of hardship those that had survived a difficult first year in the new world were thankful for what they had.   

Much more recently, in 1973, we were provided a new perspective on this day with the arrival of “A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving.”  If you remember, Peppermint Patty calls and invites herself and her friends Marcie and Franklin over to “Chuck’s” house for a holiday dinner.  With the help of Linus and Snoopy, Charlie Brown makes quick preparations.  As the guests arrive they all directed to the backyard ping-pong table where their feast awaits. Linus leads the group in prayer, and Snoopy serves up the food, throwing the plates to each guest Frisbee-style. Each person receives two slices of buttered toast, pretzel sticks, a handful of popcorn, and some jelly beans.  The guests think this odd at first, but they decide in the end they are thankful for what they have.

Today we use modern ovens, rosters, smokers, fryers  and microwaves to quickly and efficiently prepare turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes with gravy, sweet potatoes, corn, vegetables, pumpkin and pecan pie.  Many items are purchased at the nearby grocery at the last-minute as we ponder how we will survive the few hours the grocery might be closed on Thanksgiving Day.  There is a morning’s worth of parades (which really aren’t even parades any longer) followed by the NFL treating us to the Detroit Lions who, for a change this year, are not one of the biggest turkeys in the league, the Dallas Cowboys and one more Thursday Night game.  The next day offers “Black Friday” where apparently all thankfulness and civility is quickly discarded in an effort to wrestle door-buster specials away from anyone who dares to get in our way.  Saturday delivers a slew of college football rivalry games including Ohio State & “that school up north.”

In the midst of all the frantic activity of this long weekend, can we pause for at least a moment to ponder at least one thing we are thankful for?  This week, this day, take a few moments and reflect on what those Pilgrims went though, on what Abraham Lincoln called the country to,yes even what Charlie Brown reminded us of – take more than a moment to be Thankful for all the goods things.

Thought for the Week

As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them. ~John Fitzgerald Kennedy

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny November 18, 2016 Feeling My Age

lgs

Happy Friday!  I hope you have had a good week.  

From time to time, I realize that I am not as young as I used to be.  When that happens, the options are to despair or to laugh about it.  I choose to laugh about it and invite you to laugh with me as I realize how many of this following sings of old age apply to me (careful, they might apply to you too!)

Enjoy!

SIGNS YOU ARE NOT AS YOUNG AS YOU USED TO BE

You sing along with the elevator music.

You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.

Most parts of your body hurt and the parts that don’t hurt don’t work.

You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

At the breakfast table, you hear snap, crackle, pop and you’re not eating cereal.

Your arms are too short to read the newspaper.

That gleam in your eyes is just the sun hitting your bifocals.

You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.

You actually look forward to a dull evening.

People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”

Your knees buckle, but your belt doesn’t.

Your back goes out more than you do.

Now that you finally know all the answers, nobody asks you the questions any longer.

It takes twice as long to look half as good.

Your ears are hairier than your head.

You feel like you have more patience, but actually it’s just that you don’t care anymore.

You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don’t even remember being on top of it.

You use words like “equity” and “annuity” in conversations and know what they mean.

You find yourself watching the Weather Channel for no reason in particular.

Thought for the Week

“Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”~ “Satchel” Paige

Friday Funny November 11, 2016 An Easy Quiz for Friday

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Happy Friday! The sun came up today and you do not have to watch any more political ads or receive any political phone calls this weekend!  So take a deep breath and relax.

Today is Veterans Day, so say “thank you” to a veteran when you have the opportunity.

Let’s kick off the weekend with a little pop quiz to get the brain functioning again.

Enjoy!

Pencils at the ready!  Here we go!

1. Do they have a 4th of July in England?  Yes or No

  2. How many birthdays does the average man have?

  3. Some months have 31 days; how many have 28?

  4. How many outs are there in an inning?

  5. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow’s sister?  Yes or No

  6. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer?

  7. If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have?

  8. A doctor gives you three pills telling you to take one every half hour. How many minutes would the pills last?

  9. A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die. How many are left?

 10. How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the ark?

 11. A clerk in the butcher shop is 5′ 10” tall. What does he weigh?

 12. How many two-cent stamps are there in a dozen?

Pencils down – no cheating!

The Answers:

 1. Is there a fourth of July in England? Yes, it comes after the third of July, did you think they just skip that day in other countries?

 2. How many birthdays does the average man have? Only one, all the rest are anniversaries.

 3. Some months have 31 days; how many have 28? Check your calendar, they all have at least 28 days.

 4. How many outs are there in an inning? 6 – three in the top and three in the bottom.

 5. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow’s sister? If he has a widow, he will not be marrying anyone.

 6. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer? 70. (30 divided by  2 equals 15, but 30 divided by 1/2 equals 60)

 7. If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have? 2, you took them, remember?

 8. A doctor gives you three pills telling you to take one every half hour. How many minutes would the pills last? 60.  Start with the 1st pill, 30 minutes later take the 2nd, then 30 minutes for the 3rd.

 9. A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die. How many are left? 9, all BUT 9 die.

 10. How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the ark? 0 I don’t believe Moses had an ark.  If you need an ark built, I Noah guy!

 11.A clerk in the butcher shop is 5′ 10” tall. What does he weigh? If he works in a butcher shop, probably a good chance that he weights MEAT.

 12. How many two-cent stamps are there in a dozen? There are usually 12 in a dozen no matter that the dozen.

Hope you got at least a few of those right.  Now, share these questions with someone else and, of course, tell them that you did not miss any!

Thought for the Week

“Our veterans left everything they knew and loved and served with exemplary dedication and courage so we could all know a safer America and a more just world. They have been tested in ways the rest of us may never fully understand…. On Veterans Day, and every day, let us show them the extraordinary gratitude they so rightly deserve…” ~Barack Obama, 2015 November 5th, quoted from The White House Office of the Press Secretary

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny November 4, 2016 Heading Home

baseball

Happy Friday!  If you are a Cubs fan, it has been a great week for you as “the curse” has finally been put to rest.  As the glory of the 2016 World Series fades, I wanted to leave you with some baseball thoughts to keep you warm through the coming cold winter months.  Spring training is less than four months away!

Enjoy!

You can describe baseball in one word: ‘Youneverknow.’- Joaquin Andujar

The baseball mania has run its course. It has no future as a professional endeavor. — Cincinnati Gazette editorial, 1879

The secret of managing is to keep the guys who hate you away from the guys who are undecided.
– Casey Stengel

There comes a time in every man’s life and I’ve had many of them. – Casey Stengel

See that fella over there? He’s 20 years old. In 10 years, he’s got a chance to be a star. Now that fella over there, he’s 20 years old, too. In 10 years he’s got a chance to be 30.
– Casey Stengel

I remember one time going out to the mound to talk with Bob Gibson. He told me to get back behind the plate where I belonged, and that the only thing I knew about pitching was that I couldn’t hit it. – Tim McCarver

I have only one superstition. I touch all the bases when I hit a home run.
– Babe Ruth

I’ve had pretty good success with Stan by throwing him my best pitch and backing up third. – Carl Erskine, on how to pitch to Stan Musial: 

I got my faults but living in the past is not one of them … there’s no future in it. – Sparky Anderson

Baseball is almost the only orderly thing in a very unorderly world. If you get three strikes, even the best lawyer in the world can’t get you off.
– Bill Veeck

Baseball players are smarter than football players. How often do you see a baseball team penalized for too many players on the field? – Jim Bouton

There are two theories on hitting the knuckleball … unfortunately, neither of them works. – Charlie Lau

The way to catch a knuckleball is to wait for it to stop rolling and then pick it up. – Bob Uecker

It’s tough to make predictions, especially about the future. – Yogi Berra

Thought for the Week

I’ve seen the future, and it’s much like the present, only longer.
– Dan Quizzenberry

Election Fun

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Election Day is just a week away, finally.  But before next Tuesday gets here, there is still work to do.  So, here is your assignment:  Over the next week as you walk, run, bike or drive through your neighborhood take note of the signs that support the presidential candidate you despise.  (Odds are that you dislike one of the major party candidates and you despise the other one.)  Jot down where these houses are on a note of paper, place them in a hermetically sealed mayonnaise jar and then bury it your back yard.

Then vote and wait.  About this time in 2018, dig up the jar, open it and pull out that piece of paper.  If the candidate you despise wins and the plagues, pestilence and disease you expect to happen does occur, then go visit those neighbors on your list and ask them how they like their candidate now and if knowing then what they know now if they would vote differently?  If the candidate you dislike wins and everything turns out rainbows and unicorns as that candidate has promised, then than go to neighbors on your list, gloat for a while and tell them that they can say “thank you” for your role in saving the universe from impending unmitigated disaster.

If the sun continues to come up each day and the earth continues to go around the sun with no discernible disaster while the bucket of unfulfilled campaign promises has been long forgotten by a President now half-way through a term,  just go over visit your neighbors and have a nice conversation about the weather, the yard, the local sports team or just about anything.  You can even just ignore the first two paragraphs and go ahead and have that pleasant visit with your neighbors now.  Maybe this election season we could all vote to be just a little friendlier and nicer to those who cross the path of our lives.

 

Friday Funny October 28, 2016 Fifteen Signs You Are Too Old for “Trick or Treat”

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Happy Friday!  This weekend is the time to stock up on goodies for the little ghouls and goblins who will be paying you a visit soon.  You might even be tempted to go out for “Trick or Treat” yourself; however before you grab a pillowcase and head toward your neighbor’s house take a few moments to ponder if you just might be a bit to old for this.

Enjoy!

YOU’RE TOO OLD TO TRICK OR TREAT WHEN…

…You have trouble staying up late enough for Trick or Treat to begin.

 …Your biggest fear is biting into a Bit-O-Honey and getting your dentures stuck in it.

… Almost anything currently hanging in your closet can be used as a costume.

…Your costume is older than most of the kids out for Trick or Treat.

…You have been dressing up as Luke Skywalker ever since Episode IV was released.

…You have been dressing up as Michael Myers ever since the original Halloween was released.

…You started dressing up as Elvis when he was still alive.

… Your back begins to ache from carrying around that heavy bag of candy.

… People say, “Great Frankenstein Mask,” and you’re not wearing a mask.

… The door opens you yell, “Trick or…” and can’t remember the rest.

… By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

…You remember when “Thriller” was a new song.

…You remember when “The Monster Mash” was a new song.

… You’re the only Ghost-buster in the neighborhood with a walker.

…You don’t think “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown” is the same without the Dolly Madison commercials.

Thought for the Week

Halloween was confusing. All my life my parents said, “Never take candy from strangers.” And then they dressed me up and said, “Go beg for it.” I didn’t know what to do! I’d knock on people’s doors and go, “Trick or treat.” “No thank you.”  ~ Rita Rudner

 

History On Deck

baseball

We are on the verge of history.  Within the next few weeks, we will witness something that has not happened in over fifty years (the Cleveland Indians winning the World Series) or something that has not happened in over 100 years (the Chicago Cubs winning the World Series).  Either way, it will be a memorable and historical World Series.  Yet, baseball is not what it was one hundred years ago of what it was even fifty years ago.   While Baseball has been called America’s pastime, it appears that baseball is past its prime.  The juggernaut known as the NFL is the king of the ratings and the dollars these days. It has been said that Baseball is too slow, its games to long, there are too many games a week and too many weeks in a season.  Football is in, have a party on Sunday and watch the game.

A number of years ago comedian George Carlin developed a routine that involved drawing comparisons between football and baseball.  Among his observations was that baseball is played on a diamond while football was played on a gridiron, in a stadium.  He noted that football has hitting, clipping, spearing, piling on, personal fouls, late hitting and unnecessary roughness while baseball has the sacrifice.  He noted that the objectives were different in football the object is for the quarterback to march his troops into enemy territory, using an aerial assault and ground attack that punches holes in the forward wall of the enemy’s defensive line while in baseball the object is to arrive safely at home.  He also noted that baseball begins n the spring, the season of new life while football begins in the fall, when everything’s dying.  Mr. Carlin made an impressive argument for the superiority of football to be THE game for America. 

However, George Carlin is not the only one to write about baseball.  The late Baseball Commission A. Bartlett Giamatti also noted that baseball begins in the spring – he wrote that baseball breaks your heart by design.  “The game begins in the spring, when everything else begins again, and it blossoms in the summer, filling the afternoons and evenings, and then as soon as the chill rains come, it stops and leaves you to face the fall alone.”  

Mr Giamatti also pondered the point at which a runner begins and ends his journey.  He wondered why wasn’t it fourth base? Why was it home?  And perhaps therein lies the real magic and meaning of the game called baseball.  Mr. Giamatti who had served as a professor of English Renaissance literature and as the President of Yale University noted that “home is an English word virtually impossible to translate into other tongues. No translation catches the associations, the mixture of memory and longing, the sense of security and autonomy, the accessibility, the aroma of inclusiveness, the freedom from wariness, that cling to the word home, that are absent from ‘house’ or even ‘my house.’ Home is a concept, not a place, a state of mind where self-definition starts; it is origins. A mix of time and place and smell and weather wherein one first realizes that one is an original — perhaps like others, especially those one loves, but discreet, distinct, not to be copied. Home is where one first learned to be separate, and it remains in the mind as the place where reunion, if it were ever to occur, would happen.”

In football a team marches down the field, as a unit, in conquest.  In baseball a batter starts a solitary journey at home and hopes that, with the aid of his teammates each facing his own obstacles alone, he will return home again and join his teammates.  This is the American dream –  not to make it all alone, but to survive in the face of individual trials and thrive with the aid of others.

Political commentator George Will is an avid baseball fan and has written a few books on baseball.  He has noted that “baseball is what we were, football is what we have become.”  This appears to be all too true.  Mr. Will has also commented that “football combines the two worst aspects of American life:  violence punctuated by committee meetings.”

One of my favorite baseball movies is “Field of Dreams.”   When I think of the essence of baseball, I think about the scene towards the end of the movie when the character Terrence Mann convinces Ray that people will come.  He says, “The one constant through all the years, Ray, has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steam rollers. It’s been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt, and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game, is a part of our past, Ray. It reminds us of all that once was good, and it could be again. Oh, people will come, Ray. People will most definitely come.”

Perhaps all of us, as we get older, begin to long for yesterday when things were different and more familiar.  Lately and particularly during this 2016 political campaign, I prefer to be reminded of what was once good and could be again, I prefer what we were to what we have become.

Friday Funny October 21, 2016 Emails for the Trash Bin

p5unit

Happy Friday! As another work week winds down, I was thinking about how many of us are drowning in the sea of information that surrounds us.  If you don’t feel overwhelmed by the constant onslaught of information we deal with these days, just try ignoring  your email inbox for a few days!  While email can provide us with a lot of useful and timely information, much of it is just plain old Spam. To help you sort through what to read and what to delete, below are some email subject lines that are just a bit stale and can probably be sent straight to the trash bin

Enjoy!

Latest Developments Concerning Y2K

Twenty-Five Reasons to Upgrade to a Touch Tone Phone

Investments Secrets of Bernie Madoff

Buying Beanie Babies for Fun and Profit

Fashion with Fanny Packs

Macarena Party!

Secrets for Solving Rubik’s Cube

Best Prices for a New Walkman!

Make Your Own Parachute Pants!

Learn to Sing Like Milli Vanilli

Learning CB Lingo in 3 Easy Lessons 10-4!

Finding Perfect Accessories for Your Leisure Suit

Twelve Reasons Why You Need a PDA (Personal Digital Assistant)

Thought for the Week

“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.” ~ Emo Philips

Differences Between Men and Women #37 Tissues

TISSUE BOX

It has been awhile since I have touched on the innumerable differences between men and women.  So, let’s think for a moment about tissues.  Tissues appear to be a rather innocuous commodity.   To a man a tissue is what a tissue is – a piece of soft and very thin paper that is used especially for cleaning.  A tissue can be used for many things. A man might use a tissue to clean his glasses to blow his nose – if a handkerchief (much more manly than a tissue) is not available.  A man may or may not carry a handkerchief or tissues.  A woman may use a tissue to clean her glasses, to blow her nose, to dry a tear, to spit on and remove a smudge from a child’s face, the list goes on and on.

A man is more likely to carry a handkerchief than tissues.  A handkerchief has advantages over a tissue, it may be used more than once, it is easier to find and handle a single handkerchief than it is to disentangle a  single tissue from a wad of crumpled tissues.  It can even be laundered, on occasion and put to use even more times.  A man will use a handkerchief as long as 1) there is at least one spot on it that is not completely black and/or 2) there is at least one spot on it that is semi-dry.

A woman will use one tissue one time and therefore arises the necessity that there must be an abundant supply of tissues.  For a woman, tissues are a must have accessory and the more sources of tissues the better.  There should be a few in a pocket and a small packet in her purse.  

A man may or may not have some tissues in the vehicle he drives.  A woman will have some sort of container for tissues either on the floor of the vehicle or attached to at least one of the visors as well as a spare box in the glove compartment.  A mistake many men make is assuming that the cup holders in the car are for cups.  No, at least one cup holder in the front and one in the back, if available, are for the storage of tissues.

I am not sure what has caused this deep-seated and pervasive fear in women that they may run out of tissues.  However, it has been observed that this condition only increases with age.  Just try this simple experiment, upon approaching any elderly lady greet her and ask her if she has a tissue you may have.  The odds are  greatly in your favor that she will have one and she will offer it to you.  Hopefully it will be one that does not already have a red lipstick stain on it.

You may find this amusing, but this difference is nothing to sneeze at.

Friday Funny October 14, 2016 Take My Jokes, Please!

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Happy Friday!  This is an exciting week for me as one of my son’s is getting married this weekend.  So, of course, I had to offer up a little matrimonially related humor.

Enjoy!

There are two times a man does not understand a woman, before marriage and after marriage.

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor’s Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

Did you hear about the two bed bugs that fell in love? They got married in the spring.

Did you hear about the two antennae that got married? T ceremony was not that great, but the reception was terrific.

What do you call two spiders that just got married? Newly-webs.

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. (Henny Youngman) 

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it. (Ann Bancroft)

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half-shut afterwards. (Benjamin Franklin)

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong. (Milton Berle)

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. (George Burns)

All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner. (Red Skelton)

If you think your marriage is perfect, you’re probably still at your reception. (Martha Bolton)

Thought for the Week

“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” ~ Rita Rudner