Happy Friday and welcome to March!  I have an anniversary coming up in a few days, so let’s kick his weekend off with some relationship jokes.

Enjoy!

For our anniversary, I gave my wife a small picture of me inside a pistachio. It’s just me in a nutshell.

I asked my wife if she’d like a new Diamond Ring to celebrate our anniversary. “Nothing would make me happier!” She replied.  So, I got her nothing.

Our anniversary is coming up, so my wife told me that she would be happy as long as I get her something with a lot of diamonds in it.  I think she is going to love this pack of playing cards.

My wife asked me, “Do you want dinner?” I replied, “I don’t know. What are my choices?” Her response, “Yes or no.”

I asked my wife which she liked better, my face or my body? She said, “Your sense of humor.”

I think arguing with your spouse is like trying to read the “Terms of Use” on the internet. Eventually, you just give up and say, “I Agree.”

I thought I won the argument with my wife about how to arrange the furniture; however, when I got home, the tables had turned.

My wife said she wanted to be treated like a princess for our anniversary. So, I invited seven little people over so she could make us dinner – now she’s mad at me.

My wife keeps telling me that I’m the cheapest person she has ever met, but I’m not buying it.

My wife and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” ~ Henny Youngman

Happy Friday!  This is an exciting week for me as one of my son’s is getting married this weekend.  So, of course, I had to offer up a little matrimonially related humor.

Enjoy!

There are two times a man does not understand a woman, before marriage and after marriage.

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor’s Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

Did you hear about the two bed bugs that fell in love? They got married in the spring.

Did you hear about the two antennae that got married? T ceremony was not that great, but the reception was terrific.

What do you call two spiders that just got married? Newly-webs.

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. (Henny Youngman) 

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it. (Ann Bancroft)

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half-shut afterwards. (Benjamin Franklin)

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong. (Milton Berle)

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. (George Burns)

All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner. (Red Skelton)

If you think your marriage is perfect, you’re probably still at your reception. (Martha Bolton)

Thought for the Week

“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” ~ Rita Rudner

Happy Friday!  Happy March!!  Believe or not spring is only 15 days away!!!

This Friday is not just any day, it is my wedding anniversary.  So, this Friday here are some marriage-themed jokes chosen especially for you.

Enjoy!

My wife says that she does not know where she would be without me, she has, however, said she would like to go there for a visit sometime.

The other day I asked my wife, “What do you love most about me; my tremendous athletic ability or my superior intellect?” Here response was that she loved my great sense of humor.

A few weeks ago my wife and I were out at the mall and passed one those scales were you drop in a quarter and it tells your fortune as well as your weight.  I dropped in a quarter and read the small, white card that popped out. I showed my wife. “Look at this! It says I’m energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover.” “Yeah,” she nodded, “and it has your weight wrong, too.”

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor’s degree and the woman gets her master’s.

A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” And the father replied, “I don’t know, son, I’m still paying for it.”

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car or the wife is new.

A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.

During a fight, a husband threw a bowl of Jello at his wife. She had him arrested for carrying a congealed weapon.

One day a man who had been married for many years was looking for something in the closet when he stumbled upon a shoe box in the closet.  Upon opening it, he was quite surprised to find 2 doilies and $85,000 in cash.  Quite confused, he asked his wife if the box was hers.  She confirmed that it was and he asked what the contents meant.  She explained “when we got married my mother told me that every time I got upset with you, I should crochet a doily.” Well the old gentleman was quite touched thinking that over all the years of their marriage she had only been mad twice.  He wiped a small tear from his eye and asked what the $85,000 came from.  “Oh that,” she replied,”..that’s the money I’ve made over the years from selling doilies.”

Thought for the Week

Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years. ~Simone Signoret

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