Category Archives: Friday Funny

Friday Funny May 29, 2020 New Chicken Farmer

Happy Friday!  I hope this finds you safe and healthy.  These days people are trying their hand at a lot of different things, some with better success than others.

Enjoy!

The Corona-virus has impacted many different aspects of our lives.  I read an article citing data from Scotts Miracle-Gor indicating that, compared to a year ago, 36% more Americans are trying to grow their own vegetables, herbs and tomatoes this year.  I came across other stories stating that raising chicken has become a popular pandemic project.  

Then there was the story about the life-long city-slicker who decided that he was going to start raising chickens.  He figured if he was going to all the trouble of raising chickens for his family, he might as well get extra chickens so that he could raise and sell them to friends and neighbors. 

He built a few large coups on his property and searched out the nearest chick supplier.  He went and purchased 100 chicks. He was excited to get started on this new and. Hopefully, profitable hobby.

Two weeks later he was back.  His chick supplier asked him how things were going. The new chicken-farmer said, “Not too good. All 100 chickens died.”  

The man replied “Oh, I can’t believe that. I’ve never had any trouble with my chickens. Tell you what, I’ll give you 100 more.”  

Another two weeks went by, and the chick supplier stopped by to see how the new batch was progressing. The new farmer just shook his head and said, “You’re not going to believe this, but the second 100 chickens died too.”  

Astounded, the chic supplier asked, “I just don’t understand.  Any idea what went wrong?”  

Well, says the new farmer, “I’m not sure. But I think I’ve narrowed it down that I am either planting them too deep or too far apart.”

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken.” ~ Frank Perdue

 

Friday Funny May 22, 2020 More Chuck Norris Facts

Happy Friday! This Memorial Day weekend will certainly be a different kind of Memorial Day for many of us.  Be sure to take some time to reflect on the purpose and meaning of this holiday even in the midst of the current situation.  This also marks the unofficial start of summer which promises to be a unique summer by any measure.

In desperate times we often look for a hero, so seems like a good time to ponder a few “facts” about Chuck Norris.

Enjoy!

Chuck Norris got Corona-virus. Now the Corona-virus is in isolation.

The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot every year.

Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders

Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.

Chuck Norris can find the end of a circle.

Chuck Norris can make a slinky go upstairs.

Chuck Norris can sit in the corner of a round room.

Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room. The bear isn’t dead, it’s just afraid to move.

Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay’s potato chip.”

If at first you don’t succeed, you’re not Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris knows words that rhyme with Orange

Chuck Norris can lick his elbow.

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water and make it drink.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“You are not what has happened to you. You are what you choose to become.”                    ~ Chuck Norris

Friday Funny May 15, 2020 Research to Answer Your Most Pressing Questions

Happy Friday!  Another week survived!  Perhaps you are pondering a lot of questions these days about many things like “What is the meaning of Life?” and “Do horses prefer bananas to apples?”  Well I cannot help you with the first one, but I can with the second and I have provided the links to prove it.

Enjoy!

I bet you have said “you can’t compare apples to oranges.”  Well the Connecticut Society of American Board Surgeons decided that they needed to see if these two are as different as we think.  They concluded that the only difference was in their color and type of seeds. Otherwise, they might as well be the same fruit.

https://pdfs.semanticscholar.org/e2bd/12fac1e7dc1294f4c8e8fbc8bb7a6c45ee85.pdf

Have you ever been on a treadmill, doing your workout when the thought just hits you, “I wonder how shrimp would do on a treadmill?”  and “I wonder if shrimp with bacterial infections would do worse?”Me neither but it did occur to some scientists who put shrimp on a treadmill and monitored their vital signs.  They injected some shrimp with bacterial infections and put them on a tiny underwater treadmill to see what would happen.  “Results show that infected crabs and shrimp do not perform on the treadmill as well as their uninfected counterparts.”  I imagine one would get similar results with humans.

http://cnsnews.com/news/article/us-government-has-spent-682570-study-shrimp-treadmill

Walking and chewing gum at the same time is one thing – walking and carrying a full cup of coffee at the same time is another.  I for, for one, know this is an essential life skill.  But perhaps I have been doing it wrong, there is research that has determined that people are less likely to spill coffee while walking backwards.

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2078152015300377

It seems everyone is concerned with social distancing these days.  Which makes research on the hazards of “double dipping” chips even more relevant.  Luckily Tulane University analyzed years of flu data and found cities that had a team in the Super Bowl saw an 18 percent increase in flu deaths. They traced the cause to Super Bowl parties and, specifically, people double dipping and infecting the guac or bean dip with their flu germs. So, keep everyone six feet away from your chip dip!

https://gizmodo.com/double-dipping-at-superbowl-parties-literally-kills-peo-1756513082

Don’t you just love to see pictures of other people’s food on social media?  Neither do I.  So why do so many people bother sharing those pictures?  Apparently sharing pictures on social media makes it taste better.  At least that is what a study out of St. Joseph’s University in Philadelphia determined.

https://www.cbc.ca/news/trending/instagram-your-food-1.3481717

Perhaps while you have been self-isolating you came across a spider in your house and perhaps you wondered if that spider just might be radio-active and perhaps you wondered if said radio-active spider bit you might you be able to turn into Spiderman?  Sorry, but you can dismiss that thought. After an extensive analysis, researchers at Cambridge University have concluded that the larger a person is, the more adhesives he would need to stick to a wall, making it virtually impossible for a normal sized human being to have the characteristics of Spiderman. No matter what your spidy-sense is telling you.

https://www.cam.ac.uk/research/news/why-spider-man-cant-exist-geckos-are-size-limit-for-sticking-to-walls

I know, we all feel more connected while social distancing by checking in on Facebook.  I hate to be the one to break this to you, but your Facebook friends are not really your friends and I tell you that as a friend.  A study done by an Oxford University professor concluded that there were only 4.1 “dependable” friends out of a typical user’s 150 Facebook friends.

https://royalsocietypublishing.org/doi/full/10.1098/rsos.150292

If you are as old as I am you might remember the Tootsie-Pop commercial where the kid goes to the wise old owl to ask, “how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie-Pop?”  If you are like me, you have been waiting decades for an answer and now research comes to the rescue.  A study out of New York University has determined that the number of licks it takes to get to the center of an average-size lollipop is approximately 1,000.

https://www.cambridge.org/core/journals/journal-of-fluid-mechanics/article/shape-dynamics-and-scaling-laws-for-a-body-dissolving-in-fluid-flow/ECC951C579D5850095DAFF40CD2899BA

Have you ever given a horse a carrot and wondered if he would really rather have a banana?  Well wonder no more! Deborah Goodwin, BSc, PhD, research director of Applied Animal Behaviour Programmes at the University of Southampton has done the research.  Next time, give your horse a banana. 

https://www.smartpakequine.com/content/horse-flavor-preferences

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not “Eureka!” (I found it!) but “That’s funny…” ~Isaac Asimov

http://WWW.QUOTEGARDEN.COM

 

Friday Funny May 8, 2020 Thoughts to Ponder While Social-Distancing

Happy Friday!  Another week of social-distancing is in the books!  Here is hoping you and yours are well and still sane.  The slower pace of these days lends itself to some contemplation.  If you have run out of things to roll over in your mind, let me offer a few items for you to consider.

Enjoy!

Which is better the Library of Congress System or the Dewey Decimal System?

If life had a sound track, what song is currently playing?

Why didn’t the Coyote ever go back and try to improve a plan instead of just scrapping it and coming up with a new one?  Where did the Coyote get all the money that he spent buying Acme products?

Why does sour cream have an expiration date?  Isn’t it already sour?  Does it turn back into cream?  

Why are blueberries purple instead of blue?  Shouldn’t we call them purpleberries?

Why is the word for “fear of long words” one of the longest words in the dictionary? (hippotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia) Try to work this word into your next conversation!

When you say ‘Forward’ or ‘Back’, your lips move in those directions.  Say ‘Forward’ and ‘Back’ over and over again.

With all this bread baking going on did anyone ever pause to think that we are giving thousands of yeast organisms a false hope by feeding them sugar, then ruthlessly baking them to death in an oven and finishing it off by eating their corpses?

As drones get cheaper and cheaper how long until someone invents a hands-free umbrella?

If we say a “ton of people” we intend it to mean many, but it would literally be 12 to 15 people.

Why do phone plans offer “unlimited minutes” can you use more than 1,440 in a day?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“If you cup runneth over, be sure and let it slosh on someone else” ~ unknown

Friday Funny May 1, 2020 Humor on the Cutting Edge

Happy Friday and good job making it through another week of self-isolation!  Chances are that you are getting along better than your hair might be with all the barber shops and beauty parlors closed.  While you might not be able to get your hair cut, you can chuckle at a few barber jokes,

Enjoy!

Would you call a group of men waiting for a haircut a barber-cue?

Do barbers keep their money in a shavings account?

I was held hostage at a barber shop once. It was a pretty hairy situation.

The other day I told my wife that I wanted to open up a barber shop.  All she said was “Cut it out.”

I just might open a barber shop on the top floor of a fancy hotel and call it “A Cut Above the Rest.”

My barber recently started giving free eyebrow trims to anyone getting a haircut.  Everyone looked surprised.

I decided to switch to a new barber.  My old one just wasn’t cutting it.

The first new barber I tried out was a bit of a redneck.  As soon as I sat down in the chair I could tell something was wrong, I  got up quickly and walked out.  I think I may have just  dodged a mullet.

Old executives at Hair Club for Men never die, they just keep plugging away.

I have some more jokes, but I will shave them for later.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.” ~ Sam Ewing

Friday Funny April 24, 2020 Do It Yourself Humor

Happy Friday!  Congratulations for surviving another week of social distancing!  Many folks are taking advantage of having some extra time around the house by taking those Do-It-Yourself projects that have been put off and put off.  So, here are a few DIY jokes to get you started on that new project.

Enjoy!

I went to the largest DIY store in my area and asked, “Where can I find some hammers, nails, a trowel and a bag of cement?”  The guy replied “They’re all under ‘Construction’.” “Okay,” I said, “Do you know when they will be finished?”

I hurt by back trying to reupholster my couch.  But now it’s fully recovered.

I’m really not very good at DIY but I did manage to attach a piece of wood to another piece of wood. Yep, I nailed it!

I’m really, really not very good with DIY. The other day while I was working, a pile of books fell on my head.  I know that I have only my shelf to blame.

 I just cannot decide which vanity to put in the bathroom. I have to sink about it.

My wife thinks that I am absolutely hopeless at fixing appliances.  Let me tell you, she is in for a shock.

My wife told me that she wanted me to stain the new wooden fence in the backyard. So I’ve been eating spaghetti over it all week.

I got a pretty wild idea for DIY orthodontics, it just might take the world by storm, brace yourself!

I have noticed that sometimes when I’m working in the garden, it seems to really strain my eyes. So, I have started wearing my weeding glasses.

Despite my ineptitude at DIY I was offered a construction job in Egypt, but it just turned out to be a pyramid scheme.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“Home is where the wi‑fi connects automatically.” ~ Unknown

Friday Funny April 3, 2020 Boredom Therapy

Happy Friday!  Congratulations for making it through another week intact.  If  you are starting to get a little stir crazy., here are a few bordeom busters to try out over the coming week.

Enjoy!

If you are bored try playing catch with your watch, it is a great way to pass the time.

If you are bored try memorizing the dictionary. I memorized five pages and learned next to nothing.

If you are bored try taking up fencing.  I did and my neighbors say they will call the police unless I put it back.

If you are bored try to see how many words you can make out of the word “Methuselah.”

If you are bored try to see how many marshmallows you can stuff in your mouth.

If you are bored try hiding a speaker by your mailbox and scream at people as they walk by. 

If you are bored try sitting by an open window with a Nerf gun and shoot people as they walk by. 

If you are bored try tying a rope to a rock and taking it for a walk.  When you pass people,  pat the rock and say, “Good boy Sparky!” 

If you are bored try standing at the end of your driveway with a hairdryer and pointing it  at cars and bicycles as they go by. 

If you are bored, try throwing glue sticks at people as they walk by to see if they stick.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

I nod to a passing stranger, and the stranger nods back, and two human beings go off, feeling a little less anonymous. ~Robert Brault,

http://WWW.QUOTEGARDEN.COM

Friday Funny March 26, 2020 Baseball Quotations

Happy Friday! Hoping this finds you and yours healthy and coping in these challenging days.  Today was to be the start of the 2020 baseball season, but like so many things at the moment that is on hold.  So, a few memorable baseball quotations will have to do for now.

Enjoy and Stay Healthy!

Nothing flatters me more than to have it assumed that I could write prose, unless it be to have it assumed that I once pitched a baseball with distinction. ~Robert Frost

No game in the world is as tidy and dramatically neat as baseball, with cause and effect, crime and punishment, motive and result, so cleanly defined. ~ Paul Gallico

I don’t want to play golf. When I hit a ball, I want someone else to go chase it. ~ Rogers Hornsby

Yesterday’s home runs don’t win today’s games. ~ Babe Ruth

You can sum up the game of baseball in one word: ‘You never know.’ ~ Joaquin Andujar

The two most important things in life are good friends and a strong bullpen. ~ Bob Lemon

Baseball is a skilled game. It’s America’s game – it, and high taxes. ~ Will Rogers

Finish last in your league and they call you idiot. Finish last in medical school and they call you doctor. ~ Abe Lemons

There are two theories on hitting the knuckleball. Unfortunately, neither of them work. ~Charley Lau

Slump? I ain’t in no slump… I just ain’t hitting. ~ Yogi Berra

Now there’s three things you can do in a baseball game: You can win or you can lose or it can rain. ~ Casey Stengel

No matter how good you are, you’re going to lose one-third of your games. No matter how bad you are you’re going to win one-third of your games. It’s the other third that makes the difference. ~Tommy Lasorda

Baseball is the only major sport that appears backwards in a mirror. ~ George Carlin

If you don’t succeed at first, try pitching. ~ Jack Harshman

He’s got power enough to hit home-runs in any park, including Yellowstone. ~ Sparky Anderson on Willie Stargell

Baseball is like driving, it’s the one who gets home safely that counts. ~ Tommy Lasorda

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

It breaks your heart. It is designed to break your heart. The game begins in spring, when everything else begins again, and it blossoms in the summer, filling the afternoons and evenings, and then as soon as the chill rains come, it stops and leaves you to face the fall alone. ~ A. Bartlett Giamatti

Friday Funny March 20, 2020 Stay Patient and Laugh

Happy Friday! Congratulations on surviving another week!  The world has been pretty crazy lately, but we do what we can to carry on.  My task at hand is to bring a chuckle to your Friday!

Enjoy! and Wash Your Hands!!

I had my patience tested today.  It came back negative

I went to get a haircut from an impatient barber, he cut it short.

I picked up a book by an impatient scientist, it’s about time.

I was at the doctor’s office and in the waiting room there was this very tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, the doctor saw me first. I guess he just had to be a little patient.

What did an impatient pot of water say to the noodles? Udon!?

What did the impatient vegetarian say to the waiter? Get me soup and make it snap pea!!

Is it true that an impatient communist’s favorite fish is Red Snapper?

Is it true that impatient people hate to go to the gym because of the weights?

A few weeks ago, I was at a restaurant.  I started to get impatient waiting on my food so I caught the waiter’s attention as he rushed by and asked. “How long will my spaghetti be?” He replied, “I don’t know. We don’t measure it.”

How many bricks do you need to screw in a light bulb?  Just two, but you need a lot of patience and a lot of light bulbs.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“There are three secrets to managing. The first secret is have patience. The second is be patient. And the third most important secret is patience.” ~  John McGraw, Legendary Baseball Manager

 

Friday Funny March 13, 2020 Keep Calm and Laugh

Happy Friday! Congratulations on surviving this unusual week!  There are many things to choose from to worry about this week whether it is getting your taxes done, watching your retirement funds plummet or trying to avoid the corona-virus, there is no shortage of options.  So, just for a moment take a breath and try to keep your wits even if those around you are losing theirs.

(Try to) Enjoy!

Do people still run away and join the circus?  Asking for a friend.

A friend of men told me I was delusional; I almost fell off my unicorn.

It may be just a matter of time before they add the word “syndrome” to my last name.

The only sane people left are you and me and I am beginning to have my doubts about you.

I tried to be normal once, it was the worst ten minutes of my life.

I am fine, the rest of you could use some help.

This too shall pass, it might pass like a kidney stone, but it will pass.

I lost my mind several years ago, but it does send me the occasional postcard.

There is a fine line between genius and crazy, I like to use that line as a jump rope.

Some folks aren’t just missing a screw, they are missing the whole toolbox.

You can tell a lot about a person from their favorite book.  Swiping their phone and reading their texts also works.

Some people say you can tell a lot about a man by the shoes he’s wearing.  I say you can tell a lot about a person by the simplistic means they use to make judgments about people.

Trying to understand some people is like trying to smell the color 9.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“If the world comes to an end, I want to be in Cincinnati. Everything comes there ten years later. “ ~ Mark Twain