Category Archives: Friday Funny

Friday Funny January 10,2020 Ten Things I Learned From Movies

Happy Friday!  I hope 2020 is off to a good start for you.  Holiday time is always a bif time for movie releases which had me thinking about things that we can learn from movies.  Here are just a few.

Enjoy!

  • All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
  • The ventilation system of any building is the perfect way to escape. All ventilation ducts are just big enough for you to crawl through, they will support your weight and they will always provide a viable escape route.
  • The odds of surviving any battle or any hostage situation dramatically decrease the moment you show someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
  • A man will be able to withstand a fierce beating at the hands of someone three times his size with nary a whimper but will wince and cry out in pain once a woman tries to clean his wounds.
  • Cars that are involved in serious crashes will either 1) remain functional even if half the car has been torn away or 2) immediately burst into flames.
  • Anyone who falls down a flight of stairs will be stone cold dead before they reach the bottom.
  • When paying for a taxi, simply open your wallet, take out two bills throw them at the cabbie and say, “keep the change.” It will always be enough.
  • Any information needed no matter how sensitive, classified, private, or complex can be obtained using a computer within ten seconds using no more than a dozen keystrokes.
  • All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts. It will have one more wire that whoever is defusing it is used to seeing, plus the color of the wires will be different.  To correctly defuse the bomb you must wait until there are less than five seconds remaining and then guess which wire to snip.
  • The major crime you heard about this morning is somehow directly and personally related to the crisis you are facing in your life.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

Drama is life with the dull bits cut out.  ~Alfred Hitchcock

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Friday Funny January 3, 2020 Vision Jokes

Happy Friday and Happy New Year!  Here is hoping that this year is a good year for all.  Of course I could not let the beginning of 2020 occur without a few vision related jokes.

Enjoy!

I think my cell phone needs glasses; it has lost all its contacts.

Do optometrists like to listen to music using iTunes?

Do garbage men have bin-ocular vision?

Would you take a depressed optometrist to the low vision center?

Did you hear about the lab tech fell who into the lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself?

Do optometrists not tell jokes because they are just too cornea?

Do optometrists live long lives because they dilate?

I really admire my optometrist; he is a true visionary.

I once worked for an optometrist, it was a real eye-opening experience

Would you call an Eskimo optometrist an optical Aleutian? 

I went to the optometrist and she told me I was colorblind; man, that came right out of the purple

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“The only thing worse than being blind is having sight but no vision.”~Helen Keller

Friday Funny December 27, 2019 Top Uses for Fruit Cake

Happy Friday!  By now most, if not all of the presents have been unwrapped and the excitement may be waning a little.  There may be a present or two that you are not quite sure what do to with, if one of those is a fruit cake, let me offer a few suggestions.

Enjoy!

  1. Place your fruitcake in a safe place, leave it for ten years, then re-gift.
  2. Fruitcakes make great doorstops.
  3. Fruitcakes make excellent book ends.
  4. Fruitcakes can be used as blocks.
  5. Fruitcakes can be used to repair sections of your deck or driveway.
  6. Use it as a weight to hold down your portable basketball goal, this will prevent the goal from tipping over during periods of high winds.
  7. If you get two, drill a hole through the middle of each one (hammer drill is recommended) attach securely to a study metal p[ole, use as dumbbell.
  8. If you own a pickup truck, place fruitcakes in the truck bed to add weight for traction in the snow.
  9. Fruitcakes make excellent boundary markers for your driveway or yard during snowy months they hold their shape no matter how many times you or the snow plow run over them.
  10. If you cannot use it during the winter months, just hang onto it until spring and use as a boat anchor.
  11. Break it into smaller pieces (jackhammer recommended) and use like pumice to clean pots, pans and porcelain.
  12. Break it into smaller pieces (jackhammer recommended) and use as rocks for your gas fireplace.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

Reality is like a fruitcake; pretty enough to look at but with all sorts of nasty things lurking just beneath the surface.” ~ A. Lee Martinez

Friday Funny December 20, 2019 Short Christmas Jokes

Happy Friday!  Christmas and Hanukkah are just a few days away.  Here are a few seasonal jokes chosen just for that hard to shop for person on your list.

Enjoy!

If Santa Clause fell into the fireplace would he become Krisp Kringle?
 
Is it true that the one reindeer who needs to mind his manners the most is Rude-olph?
 
Is it true that the reindeer who has the cleanest antlers is Comet?
 
Is it true that Santa’s reindeer favorite place for lunch is Deery Queen?
 
Would you call a scary reindeer a cari-boo?

Do Gingerbread Men put cookie sheets on their beds?
 
Would you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time Sandy Claus?

If you crossed an iPad with a Christmas tree would you get a pineapple?
 
If Santa walks backwards does he go “oh oh oh”?
 
Q: What’s red, white and blue at Christmas time?  A: A sad candy cane!

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“No man is a failure who has friends.” — It’s a Wonderful Life

Friday Funny December 13, 2019 Elf Jokes

Happy Friday and Ho! Ho! Ho! Christmas is less than two weeks away and it seems like everyone is busy with Holiday preparations.  Perhaps no one is busier than all the little folks up at the toy shop at the North Pole, the Elves.  So, in their honor here are a few jokes to kick off your weekend.

Enjoy!

Would you call one of Santa’s helpers who is greedy Elfish?

Would you call someone wo makes toy guitars and sings “Blue Christmas” Elfis?

Would you call someone who lives at the North Pole, builds toys and rides in a pumpkin Cinder-Elf-a?

Would you call an Elf who sings a wrapper?

Would you call a holistic Elf doctor a gnome-opath?

When little Elves get home from school do they have to do their gnome work?

Is it true that the most popular car for elves is a Toy-ota?

Is it true that the first thing that Elves have to do when they arrive for work is to YULE LOGon their computer?

How many Elves does it take to change a light bulb?  Ten –  One to change the light bulb and nine to stand on each other’s shoulders.

Does Santa pay Elves with jingle bills?

Did Santa’s helper go to the doctor because he had low “Elf” esteem?

If Santa rides in a sleigh do Elves ride in Mini vans?

On his 1040 does Santa list his status as Elf-employed?

Did Rudolph go to public school or was he Elf-taught?

Do Santa’s Helpers use their phones to take Elfies?

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“The only real blind person at Christmas-time is he who has not Christmas in his heart.” ~ Helen Keller

Friday Funny November 29, 2019 Black Friday Shopping Jokes

Happy Friday!  I hope you had a nice Thanksgiving and now the holiday season is in full swing.  If you are heading out to do some shopping this Black Friday keep your wits and your sense of humor.  Here are a few jokes to help you do that.

Enjoy!

I read a story about a dangerous new strain of bacteria that was been found BEFORE Thanksgiving at a local supermarket in packs of soft butter.  It seems that it spreads easily.

I ordered some German food over the internet for Thanksgiving; the sauerkraut arrived but the wurst is yet to come.

I was thinking about buying my wife a watch for Christmas.  I went to the store and asked for one with hands. The sales clerk asked “Analogue?” I said “no thanks, just a watch.”

I saw a great Black Friday deal on a digital camera.  As I weighed the good and bad, I could only see the positive points. There just aren’t any negatives.

I was considering going to a pet shop on Black Friday to purchase a rare spider but then it occurred to me that it would be easier to just pick one up on the web.

I saw a great Black Friday deal on some nifty new electric garden trimmers; it is some real cutting-hedge technology.

I noticed a Black Friday deal at the comic book store on Supergirl, Batgirl and Wonder Woman but I think he might just be a heroine dealer.

I was going to buy some sausages online; but the links were broken.

I bought my wife a calculator in the shape of a castle to give her for Christmas.  I am not sure if she will like it, but it’s the fort that counts.

I went to an auction on Black Friday.  It was pretty long and boring, I fell asleep and missed a lot.

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

‘VENI, VEDI, VISA’: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.

Friday Funny November 22, 2019

Happy Friday!  This time next week you might be up to your tonsils in Thanksgiving leftovers.  But right now I want to wet your appetite with some Thanksgiving jokes.

Enjoy!

Did you hear about the turkey that was arrested?  Fowl play was suspected.

Thanksgiving is the day that I start my yearly training to get in shape … to play Santa Claus.

Did you hear about the turkey that was doing computer research using google, google? 

Last year I was late getting home after Thanksgiving, a policeman pulled me over for  exceeding the feed limit. 

Did you hear about the mother turkey who was so disappointed in her kids that she told them, “If your father could see you now, he would be turning over in his gravy!”

Is it true that you should not take a turkey to church because they use fowl language? 

If a Pilgrim bites into a bad piece of corn does he make a pilgrimace?

What’s the easiest way to catch a turkey?  Ask a friend to toss one to you.

I think I have an addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers, this year I am going to quit cold turkey.

Would you call someone who really, really, really likes Thanksgiving turkey a  tryptophanatic?

 THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

There’s always something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving.  Even if it’s just not being a turkey.