Category Archives: Friday Funny

Friday Funny January 27, 2017 Danger! More Product Warnings!

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Happy Friday!  It is a rough and dangerous world that we live in.  Who knows what might befall us around the next corner or with the next product that we purchase?  Thankfully, we have warning labels to keep us alert to the imminent dangers that await.  Here are some warnings that might not exactly be the most informative and useful.  

Enjoy!

“If you cannot read (…) warnings, do not use this product.” 

A warning label found on a baby stroller cautions the user to “Remove child before folding.”

A snow blower warns, “Do not use snow thrower on roof.”

A container of underarm deodorant says, “Caution: Do not spray in eyes.”

A cartridge for a laser printer warns, “Do not eat toner.”

A 13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow warns, “Not intended for highway use.”

A cardboard car sun shield that keeps sun off the dashboard warns, “Do not drive with sun shield in place.”

A bathroom heater says, “This product is not to be used in bathrooms.”

A can of self-defense pepper spray warns users, “May irritate eyes.”

“Use care when operating a car (…)” (on a bottle of DOG pills) 

“Do not drive car or operate machinery.” (on a bottle of CHILDREN’s cough medicine).

“Do not hold the wrong end of a chainsaw” 

A chainsaw manual provides the sage advice – “Do not attempt to stop the blade with your hand.”

“Eating rocks may lead to broken teeth.” — On a novelty rock garden set called “Popcorn Rock.”

“Caution: Shoots rubber bands.” — On a product called “Rubber Band Shooter.”

“Warning: May contain small parts.” — On a Frisbee.

Thought for the Week

I am one of those people who just can’t help getting a kick out of life — even when it’s a kick in the teeth. ~Polly Adler

http://www.quotegarden.com

 

Friday Funny January 20, 2017 Before Google

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Happy Friday! We live in the ever-increasing information age with so much of the world right at our fingertips.  I can type these words and fling them far and wide by hitting the “publish” button.  But there was a time not so very long ago when information was not so easily accessible, when the local library was the depository of information.  There the gatekeepers were the librarians and long before Google went to them seeking answers to our many questions.  Perhaps you have been told that “no question is a stupid question” – you have been misled.  here are some stupid questions that have been posed to librarians.

Enjoy!

Is this the place where I can ask questions that I can’t get answers to?

Do you have a list of all the books written in the English language?

What is the copyright date of the Bible?

Can you tell me why so many Civil War battles were fought on National Park sites?

Do you have any books with photographs of Dinosaurs?

Why do so many 18th century painting have squirrels in them, and how did they tame the squirrels so they would stand still while posing for the painter?

I need to find out Ibid’s first name for my Bibliography

When writing to a sailor should one always spell the word “weigh” as in “Anchors Aweigh” out of courtesy, even when it is usually spelled “way”?

Do camels have to be licensed in India?

When one has guests, who kisses whom first?

What is the name of the person buried at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier?

Have you got any Shakespeare in proper English?

I don’t know the title or the author, but it had a number in the title. Where would I find it?

What is the life cycle of an eye-brow hair?

Is there a full moon every night in Acapulco?

What time is high noon?

Thought for the Week

A good library will never be too neat, or too dusty, because somebody will always be in it, taking books off the shelves and staying up late reading them. ~Lemony Snicket

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny January 13, 2017 Triskaidekaphobia

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Happy Friday the 13th!  Hopefully you do not suffer from Triskaidekaphobia, the fear of Friday the 13th.  This is a day just like any other day.  However, if you find any of the things below happening to you this day, you might want to just slow down and be extra careful,

Enjoy!

You finally receive a note from your crush and it is Restraining Order.

You switch to Nationwide only to discover that they are not on your side.

You find out that after planning you own birthday party, you are not invited to it.

You try to be cool and get hypothermia.

You run away from home with the family dog and only see posters for the dog.

You discover that your pet rock has run away.

You go to visit your parents only to discover that they have moved and not left a forwarding address.

You wake up to a bird singing outside your window and realize that it is a vulture.

Your twin sibling forgets your birthday.

You are halfway through your breakfast cereal when you realize the flakes are moving around the bowl on their own.

Thought for the Week

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. ~Steven Wright

Friday Funny December 30, 2016 End the Year with a Groan

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Happy Friday!  This brings us to the close of one year and the promise of a new one. Thank you for joining me on my weekly journey to bring a little laughter your way and I hope you will continue on the journey through 2017.  Here are a few groaners to close out 2016.

Enjoy!

My New Year’s resolution is to lose weight.  One of the points of my diet is to stop eating poultry immediately, I am going cold turkey.

I was thinking about getting a nose job to kick off the new year, but I am not sure which one I should pick.

Did you know that Dr. Jekyll can’t drink his potion when he’s moving?  It would appear that he can run but he can’t Hyde.

Did you know that Shakespeare once sold camping gear at a reduced price during the off-season?  It seems it was his winter of discount tents.

Do you know which superhero has the most abstract thoughts?  It has to be Wonder Woman.

I made the mistake at a holiday party of getting into a discussion about perpetual motion, this guy just went on and on.

I have a wonderful pet penguin.  I was going to take him with me on an airplane, but they told me he couldn’t fly.

Last weekend I went to see a new horror movie about Legos, the suspense was building the whole time.

I went to the symphony and the conductor really wanted to look at the audience, but sometimes you just have to face the music.

Did you hear about the two florists who got married?  I heard it was arranged.

Did you hear about the two shoelaces that dated for years?  They finally decided that it was time to tie the knot.

I think one of the truly great inventions of my lifetime is the dry erase board, it really is remarkable.

Last year I decided I needed a new hobby, so I started studying moss.  It seems I’ve taken a lichen to it.

Thought for the Week

Write it on your heart that every day is the best day in the year. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson,

Friday Funny December 23, 2016 Guess the Christmas Song

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Happy Friday!   This Friday brings us to the very cusp of Christmas, so here is a little exercise I found on several internet sites – see if you can guess the song.  Merry Christmas!

Enjoy!

Example: Bleached Yule = White Christmas

1. Boulder of the Tinkling Metal Spheres

2. Castaneous-colored Seed Vesicated in a Conflagration

3. Singular Yearning for the Twin Anterior Incisors

4. Righteous Darkness

5. Arrival Time: 2400 hrs – Weather: Cloudless

6. Loyal Followers Advance

7. Far Off in a Feeder

8. Array the Corridor

9. Bantam Male Percussionist

10. Monarchial Triad

11. Nocturnal Noiselessness

12. Jehovah Deactivate Blithe Chevaliers

13. Red Man En Route to Borough

14. Frozen Precipitation Commence

15. Proceed and Enlighten on the Pinnacle

16. The Quadruped with the Vermilion Proboscis

17. Query Regarding Identity of Descendant

18. Delight for this Planet

19. Give Attention to the Melodious Celestial Beings

20. The Dozen Festive 24 Hour Intervals

ANSWERS:

  1. Jingle Bell Rock
  2. Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire
  3. All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth
  4. 0 Holy Night
  5. It Came Upon a Midnight Clear
  6. 0 Come, All Ye Faithful
  7. Away in a Manger
  8. Deck the Hall
  9. Little Drummer Boy
  10. We Three Kings
  11. Silent Night
  12. God Rest Ye, Merry Gentlemen
  13. Santa Claus is Coming to Town
  14. Let it Snow
  15. Go, Tell It on the Mountain
  16. Rudolph, the Red-nosed Reindeer
  17. What Child is This?
  18. Joy to the World
  19. Hark! The Herald Angels Sing
  20. The Twelve Days of Christmas

Thought for the Week

Christmas is built upon a beautiful and intentional paradox; that the birth of the homeless should be celebrated in every home. ~ G.K. Chesterton

 

Friday Funny December 16, 2016 How to Confuse Santa

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Happy Friday!  Are you stuck in the same old holiday routine?  How about shaking things up a little this year by trying to confuse the old guy in the red suit?  Here are some ideas you might use to throw Santa off his game. 

Enjoy!

Nail the Christmas Tree and everything else in the room to the ceiling.

Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until everyone else arrives.

Build a moat around your Christmas Tree, put a few hungry alligators in it.

Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad and a note explaining that according to his BMI numbers he needs to shed about 150 pounds. 

Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a plate of brightly colored hard-boiled eggs.

While he’s in your house, sneak up to the roof and leave a speeding ticket on his sleigh. 

Leave him a note, explaining that you’ve gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants and feeding the dog.

Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home. 

Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections. 

Leave Santa a note, explaining that you’ve moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house. 

Paint “hoof-prints” all over your face and clothes. While he’s in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you’ve been “trampled.” 

While he’s on the roof, yell up to Santa, asking if he’d mind adjusting your satellite dish. 

Thought for the Week

“There is no more dangerous or disgusting habit than that of celebrating Christmas before it comes, as I am doing in this article. It is the very essence of a festival that it breaks upon one brilliantly and abruptly, that at one moment the great day is not and the next moment the great day is.” ~ G. K. Chesterton

Friday Funny December 9, 2016 What Not to Buy This Christmas

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Happy Friday!  The holiday season is in full swing, folks are out searching for that perfect Christmas gift.  But as you go down your gift list this year, here are a few things you just might want to pass on.

Enjoy!

Ugly Christmas Sweater – By the time the next opportunity comes around to wear it, you have probably forgotten where you stored it.  Plus this fad has to end soon, right?  Please!??

Doormat – you may think a holiday doormat is festive, but you will be wrong.

Socks – calf-length or ankle high, five little toes or not, holiday or not, no one – no one will be excited to receive socks.

Belly Button Brush – I learn something every day.  I did not know such a product existed, nor can I ever recall an occasion when I needed one. So, I am pretty certain I would not be thrilled to receive one.

Tissues – nothing says, “I was too busy to go shopping, so I just looked in the closet for a gift like a box of tissues.”  Don’t think finding a box decorated with a holiday theme makes this “gift” any better.

Toothbrush – it is a pretty safe bet to just refrain from giving anything that resides in the bathroom for a Christmas gift, refrain from toothbrushes even electric ones or ones with Marvel Super Heroes on them.

Glowing Toilet Seat – again refrain from bathroom gifts.  If you honestly would consider purchasing this as a gift for someone, I suggest you seek counseling.

The Eternal Ice Cube from Rox – is it really that difficult to make some new ice cubes?  What happened did you lose the family recipe?

Beard Bells from The Gruff Beard Company – while it may allow the recipient to happily jingle all the way, I just have a hunch they would never be used.

Realistic Cat Handbag from Pico Cat – it looks just like you are carrying around a real cat…..without any legs.

Stress Buster Desktop Punching Ball – two issues 1) being seen using it in the office is probably not good for your career and 2) the little suction thingy at the bottom will not hold sustain more than a tap thus creating a comical moment for your coworkers who see you the desktop punching ball go flying off the desktop the first time it is used.

World Market Desktop Drum Set – who doesn’t want a co-worker playing drums on his or her desk?  It would be likely to increase the use of Stress Buster Desktop Punching Balls.

For that hard to buy person in your life, the one who has everything – how about A Bag of Nothing, literally.  A company called IWOOT has these and, according to their website, the are currently sold out. I can hear the conversation: Company President, “Business has been great, we are sold out of nothing! The shelves are empty of nothing!”  Customer, “When do you expect to get in more nothing?” Company President, “We are not sure nothing is currently on back order.”

Thought for the Week

Friday Funny December 2, 2016 For Your Holiday Viewing Pleasure

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Happy Friday!  The Thanksgiving turkey is probably still living on as leftovers of some sort. Perhaps the tree is up and the shopping is underway – ’tis the Season!!

Enjoy!

With the advent of the age of television, holiday traditions have changed to include gathering around the television or computer or tablet to watch Christmas movies and television specials.  There are a many classic,  memorable ones as well as a lot of not so classic, quite forgettable ones.  Some of my favorites, not necessarily in any order, are: It’s a Wonderful Life, A Christmas Carol, Charlie Brown Christmas and How the Grinch Stole Christmas. 

Even some of the holiday commercials were classic.  I still insist that Charlie Brown is not the same without the Dolly Madison commercials.  I also miss the Norelco commercial with Santa sledding on the electric razor – “Noelco – even our name says Merry Christmas.”

We are just one week removed from Thanksgiving and already the holiday specials are in full force.  This Christmastime, look beyond the old standards.  Take a few moments to study your channel guide you might uncover some new gems or you might stumble across some of those specials that are better left buried.  Here are a few that many have tried to forget:

A Very Brady Christmas (1988) – They managed to get everyone back from the original cast except for Cindy and Sam the Butcher (actually a butcher not a deranged killer in a hockey mask). Apparently Mr. & Mrs. Brady cannot agree on a vacation plan, so they decide to use the money to bring everyone together for Christmas.  Unfortunately they have all grown up and their adult problems can no longer be resolved neatly within a half hour.   The plot thickens more than Alice’s Thanksgiving gravy when Mr. Brady learns that a ruthless businessman he designed a building for has cut corners resulting in the building collapsing and trapping two security guards.  Mr Brady, of course, manages to free but the trapped guards but becomes trapped himself.  But these are the Brady’s so eventually everything works out, only now it takes two hours.  The joyful end has them all singing “O Come All Ye Faithful.”

A Claymation Christmas Celebration (1987) – the special is co-hosted by Rex, an intellectual tyrannosaurus and Herb, a dimwitted styracosaurus with a voracious appetite.  The dynamically opposed duo carry on a running gag about wassailing while we are entertained by walruses singing “Angels We Have Heard on High” as well as Wise Men and their doo-wopping camels singing “We Three Kings.”  All this leads up a crescendo as The California Raisins present their rendition of “Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer.”

Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer (2000) – would we really expect much from a thirty minute cartoon based on this song?  Somehow Santa is still a good guy even though he does run over Grandma and abducts because he doesn’t know who she is (pretty much destroys your confidence in accuracy of the naughty/nice list).

Christmas Comes to Pac-Land (1982) – If you can make Christmas specials based on songs, why not try a Christmas special based on a TV Show which was based on an arcade video game! Perhaps the not so veiled message of this one was just go out and purchase Pac-Man related merchandise as gifts for everyone.

Instead, Santa crash lands in Pac-Land, and Pac-Man and his friends have to help Santa get back on the road (the sky?) to deliver those all-important presents. The ghost monsters obviously make an appearance, there’s lots of snow, presents are mentioned over and over, and we get to see Pac-Man in a winter scarf and hat.

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964) – If you are looking for the holiday equivalent of Plan 9 From Outer Space, this is the movie for you!  When Kimar and the other members of Mars’ ruling council can’t make their children happy they have a meeting with the ancient, mysterious wise man, Chochem who provides a solution, kidnap Santa Claus from Earth.  Not only do you get Santa and Martians, but it has a groovy soundtrack – hurray for Santy Claus!  You will want to look away, but it is so bad you will watch it to the very end.

Star Wars Holiday Special (1978) – With renewed interest in the Star Wars franchise and a new movie coming out this month, one might think it would be a good time to dust this one off and air it again.  Don’t count on it.  This one was so long ago and far away that some will question that it ever existed – which is exactly what George Lucas is wishing for.  The show was broadcast in its entirety only once and somehow I managed to miss it during my freshman year in college.  Chewbacca and Han Solo visit Kashyyyk, which is Chewbacca’s home world, to celebrate Life Day. We get to meet Chewbacca’s family (did you ever wonder if he had a family?): his father Itchy (no, really), his wife Malla, and his son Lumpy.  Of course any Star Wars special has to include some trouble caused by the Empire.  But the “highlight” has to be the poor acting and bad singing from the original Star Wars cast.  Yoda might say, “Search the web and find it, you will.”

Thought for the Week

Whatever else be lost among the years,
Let us keep Christmas still a shining thing;
Whatever doubts assail us, or what fears,
Let us hold close one day, remembering
Its poignant meaning for the hearts of men.
Let us get back our childlike faith again.
~Grace Noll Crowell

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny November 25, 2016 Thanksgiving

turkey

I hope you were able to enjoy Thanksgiving Day.   In 1863 Abraham Lincoln proclaimed the last Thursday of November as a national day of Thanksgiving in the midst of the Civil War. Since 1939, the fourth Thursday in November has been designated as that goes far beyond parades, football and holiday shopping deals.

Of course, we realize that the roots of Thanksgiving goes mush further back.  From our earliest days in grade school we associated Thanksgiving with the Pilgrims and their 1621 feast which lasted three days and consisted of fish, shellfish, fowl, venison, berried, fruit, vegetables, grains, beans, corn and squash.  Even in the midst of hardship those that had survived a difficult first year in the new world were thankful for what they had.   

Much more recently, in 1973, we were provided a new perspective on this day with the arrival of “A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving.”  If you remember, Peppermint Patty calls and invites herself and her friends Marcie and Franklin over to “Chuck’s” house for a holiday dinner.  With the help of Linus and Snoopy, Charlie Brown makes quick preparations.  As the guests arrive they all directed to the backyard ping-pong table where their feast awaits. Linus leads the group in prayer, and Snoopy serves up the food, throwing the plates to each guest Frisbee-style. Each person receives two slices of buttered toast, pretzel sticks, a handful of popcorn, and some jelly beans.  The guests think this odd at first, but they decide in the end they are thankful for what they have.

Today we use modern ovens, rosters, smokers, fryers  and microwaves to quickly and efficiently prepare turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes with gravy, sweet potatoes, corn, vegetables, pumpkin and pecan pie.  Many items are purchased at the nearby grocery at the last-minute as we ponder how we will survive the few hours the grocery might be closed on Thanksgiving Day.  There is a morning’s worth of parades (which really aren’t even parades any longer) followed by the NFL treating us to the Detroit Lions who, for a change this year, are not one of the biggest turkeys in the league, the Dallas Cowboys and one more Thursday Night game.  The next day offers “Black Friday” where apparently all thankfulness and civility is quickly discarded in an effort to wrestle door-buster specials away from anyone who dares to get in our way.  Saturday delivers a slew of college football rivalry games including Ohio State & “that school up north.”

In the midst of all the frantic activity of this long weekend, can we pause for at least a moment to ponder at least one thing we are thankful for?  This week, this day, take a few moments and reflect on what those Pilgrims went though, on what Abraham Lincoln called the country to,yes even what Charlie Brown reminded us of – take more than a moment to be Thankful for all the goods things.

Thought for the Week

As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them. ~John Fitzgerald Kennedy

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny November 18, 2016 Feeling My Age

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Happy Friday!  I hope you have had a good week.  

From time to time, I realize that I am not as young as I used to be.  When that happens, the options are to despair or to laugh about it.  I choose to laugh about it and invite you to laugh with me as I realize how many of this following sings of old age apply to me (careful, they might apply to you too!)

Enjoy!

SIGNS YOU ARE NOT AS YOUNG AS YOU USED TO BE

You sing along with the elevator music.

You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.

Most parts of your body hurt and the parts that don’t hurt don’t work.

You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

At the breakfast table, you hear snap, crackle, pop and you’re not eating cereal.

Your arms are too short to read the newspaper.

That gleam in your eyes is just the sun hitting your bifocals.

You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.

You actually look forward to a dull evening.

People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”

Your knees buckle, but your belt doesn’t.

Your back goes out more than you do.

Now that you finally know all the answers, nobody asks you the questions any longer.

It takes twice as long to look half as good.

Your ears are hairier than your head.

You feel like you have more patience, but actually it’s just that you don’t care anymore.

You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don’t even remember being on top of it.

You use words like “equity” and “annuity” in conversations and know what they mean.

You find yourself watching the Weather Channel for no reason in particular.

Thought for the Week

“Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”~ “Satchel” Paige