Category Archives: Friday Funny

Friday Funny May 19, 2017 Jokes To Add To Your Repertoire

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Happy Friday!  Let’s kick off the weekend with a little mathematical humor.

Enjoy!

A farmer counted 185 cows in the field; however, when he rounded them up, he had 200.

Did you hear about the statistician who drowned crossing a river?  It was three feet deep on average.

Did you hear about the mathematician who was afraid of negative numbers?  It seems he will stop at nothing to avoid them.

Is it true that the number 288 should never be mentioned because it is just two gross?

Would you call a number that just can’t keep still a roamin’ numeral?

Did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip to get to the same side?

Was the angle denied a loan at the bank because his parents wouldn’t Cosine?

Is the first derivative of a cow prime rib? 

I heard that parallel lines actually do meet, but they are very discreet.

I had a polynomial plant, I think it died because its roots were imaginary. 

Old mathematicians never die; they just lose some of their functions.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

I was going to end with a joke about a statistician, but you have probably heard it.

Thought for the Week

“If people do not believe that mathematics is simple, it is only because they do not realize how complicated life is.” ~ John von Neumann

Friday Funny May 12, 2017 You Know You Are a Mom When…..

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Happy Friday!  This Sunday we celebrate Mothers.  Of course we know that this is something we should celebrate each and everyday for the many things that Mothers do for us.  This week I thought I would offer some tale tale signs that you are truly embracing the role of Motherhood,

Enjoy!

There is always a box of Popsicles in your freezer.

Most of your television watching involves cartoons.

You always stay up for the 11:00 news, but always fall asleep before the weather.

A day does not go by without either peanut butter and jelly or mac and cheese.

You have determined that almost anything can be cleaned with spit and Kleenex.

You only buy cereal with marshmallows in it.

The closest you get to gourmet cooking is making Rice Krispies Treats or, if you feeling extra fancy, Scotcheroos.

You finish eating your child’s half-eaten food without giving it a second thought.

You automatically double-knot everything you tie.

You remember the places you have gone by the stains on your clothes.

You have determined that there are actually 101 different crafts you can do with Popsicle sticks and chenille stems.

You save empty paper towel and toilet paper rolls for all the great crafts you can make with them.

You know you have a million things that need to be done but you put them all aside to sit in the freezing cold to watch your child’s game and know you took care of the most important task.

You have that rare opportunity to have an adult dinner with you husband and find yourself cutting his steak into small bite-size pieces.

Thought for the Week

“Someday, when my children are old enough to understand the logic that motivates a mother, I’ll tell them: I loved you enough to bug you about where you were going, with whom and what time you would get home. … I loved you enough to be silent and let you discover your friend was a creep. I loved you enough to make you return a Milky Way with a bite out of it to a drugstore and confess, ‘I stole this.’ … But most of all I loved you enough to say no when you hated me for it. That was the hardest part of all.” ~ Erma Bombeck

Friday Funny May 5, 2017 More Ponderings

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Happy Friday!  It is hard to believe that it is already May.  That got me to thinking….and that often ends in a strange place.

Enjoy!

Laughing stock – would that be cattle with a sense of humor?

If someone has a mid-life crises while playing hide & seek, is he able to find himself?

Just “before” someone gets nervous, do they have cocoons in their stomach? 

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, does it make a sound?

If a man falls in the forest and a woman is not around, is he still wrong?

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it do the other trees make fun of it? 

If a mime falls in the forest and no one is around, does he make a noise?

If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Last night I played a blank tape at full volume. It drove the mime  who lives next door crazy.

I am at that age where I still have something on the ball, but I am just too tired to bounce it.

On those days when I am not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded. 

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to? 

What was the greatest thing BEFORE sliced bread?

I have been adjusting the setting on my laser printer, I think  I have it on stun now. 

THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

“I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile and then walk into a pole.” ~ Unknown

Friday Funny April 28, 2017 This Week’s Stock Report

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Happy Friday!  With the stock market reaching historic highs, it seemed like a good time to share market insights.

Enjoy!

Among the happenings in the stock markets this week:

The price of Starbucks perked up

Recent events have taken a bite out Apple’s market value

United Airlines was dragged down by the market

Daily volume for UPS has picked up

Ford prices have temporarily stalled

MasterCard is charging ahead

Gillette’s profit margins are razor-thin

Investors seem to be losing interest in Wells Fargo

AT&T has dialed-up its forecast

Microsoft appears ready for a reboot

Marlboro’s profits are going up in smoke.

Lowe’s profits are in rebuilding stage

Thought for the Week

“The four most dangerous words in investing are: ‘this time it’s different.'” – Sir John Templeton

Friday Funny April 21, 2017 Jokes You Can Sink Your Teeth Into

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Happy Friday!  Spring is in the air! Baseball season is underway!  Taxes are done!  Time to have a great weekend!

Enjoy!

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

I have often wondered if bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis?

Why did the chicken cross the road?  I’m not certain but it sure was poultry in motion.

Did you see the movie about the hot dog? I heard it was an Oscar Wiener.

Why do watermelons have fancy weddings? Because they cantaloupe. 

How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste! 

Why did the student eat his homework?  The teacher told him it was a piece of cake.

How can you tell if an elephant has been in your refrigerator? Footprints in the cheesecake.

What’s in an astronaut’s favorite sandwich?  Launch meat!

I asked the Maitre D’ if they served crabs.  He replied, “Yes Sir,” replied the waiter. “We’ll serve just about anybody.”

Did you hear the joke about oatmeal?  It’s a lot of mush.

Thought for the Week

I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast anytime.” So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance. ~Steven Wright

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny April 14, 2017 Laughing Down the Bunny Trail

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Happy Friday!  Happy Easter and Happy Passover!  To be honest, the Easter Bunny has never been one of my favorite characters.  Perhaps it was the disappointment of unwrapping and biting into a nice chocolate bunny only to discover it was not solid chocolate, but only a thin, hollow shell.  But, there are some jokes about the Easter Bunny and it is Friday, so enjoy!

How can you find the Easter bunny? Eggs (x) marks the spot.

What kind of bunny can’t hop? A chocolate one.

Why did the Easter egg hide? He was a little chicken.

How did the soggy Easter Bunny dry himself? With a hare dryer!

Where does the Easter Bunny study medicine? John HOPkins University

What does the Easter Bunny get for making a basket? Two points, just like anyone else.

Is it true that the Easter Bunny get his eggs from eggplants?

Why do we paint Easter eggs? Because it is a lot easier than wallpapering them.

Would you call a mischievous Easter egg a practical yolker?

Does the Easter bunny eat really breakfast at IHOP?

Would you call ten rabbits marching backwards a receding hareline?

If you crossed the Easter Bunny with an overstressed person would you have an Easter basket case?

If you crossed the Easter Bunny with Chinese food would you get Hop suey?

Thought for the Week

Jesus Christ did not come into this world to make bad people good: He came into this world to make dead people live. ~ Lee Strobel

Friday Funny April 7, 2017 More Accountant Jokes

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Happy Friday!  It is time for my annual public service announcement to remind you that time is running out to file your 2016 tax return.   While you are getting all those numbers lines up, this is a perfect opportunity to poke a little fun at the accountants out there, myself included.

Enjoy!

How does an accountant stay out of debt? He learns to act his/her wage.

What’s grey and not there? An accountant on vacation.

How do accountants make a bold fashion statement? Wear their dark grey socks instead of the light grey.

Just remember that It’s accrual world out there so be audit you can be!

Is it true that homeless accountants live in tax shelters?

What do you call an accountant without a spreadsheet? Lost.

How can you tell it an introverted accountant from an extroverted accountant? An introverted accountant looks at his shoes when he talks to you while an extroverted accountant looks at your shoes while he’s talking to you.

Did you hear the joke about the extremely charismatic and interesting accountant? I haven’t either.

If you read your son the story of Cinderella and when you get to the part where the pumpkin turns into a golden carriage, he asks you “Daddy, is that ordinary income or a capital gain?”  He just might grow up to be an accountant.

A woman goes to the doctor and is told that she only has 6 months left to live.
Quite alarmed, the woman asks the doctor, “What shall I do?!”
“If I were you, I would marry an accountant,” suggested the doctor.
“And that will make me live longer? asked the woman. 
“It won’t make you live any longer,” replied the doctor. “But it will undoubtedly be the longest six months of your life.”

Thought for the Week

Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today. ~Herman Wouk

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny March 31, 2017 In The Names of Love

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Happy Friday!  I believe it was Alfred Lord Tennyson who said, “In the Spring a young man’s fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love.”  There are also times when said young man should have taken just a moment to think about how the names would look like on the wedding announcements.  Here are a few of my favorites.

Enjoy!

Flem-Green

Gorey – Butcher

Golden-Showers

Moore-Bacon

Looney – Warde

Hardy-Harr

MacDonald-Berger

Burger-King

Wendt-Adaway

Broeker-Nuckles

Gowen-Geter

Hunt-Kapture

Poore-Sapp

Ruff-Goings

Rather-Grim

House-Reckker

Thought for the Week

“Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love. “~Albert Einstein

http://www.quotegarden.com

Friday Funny March 24, 2017 Spring Jokes that Will Grow on You!

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Happy Friday! Spring has officially arrived!  you have officially survived yet another round with Old Man Winter!  With spring in the air, it seemed like a good time for a little gardening humor.

Enjoy!

This spring I have decided to get serious about gardening.  But there is a bit of a mystery.  Every time I go out to my flower beds it looks like someone has dumped additional soil on them. I am clueless as to who is doing; the plot thickens.

I am hoping that I can grow as much green stuff in my garden as I do in my refrigerator. 

Since I am relatively new to gardening I have accepted the fact that I will most likely be learning by trowel and error. 

When I went to the garage looking for my light, spring jacket I discovered that I had left a packet of seeds in one of my pockets and it had into a Chia jacket!

Just yesterday I went to Lowe’s to buy some gardening supplies.  At first I found the gardening section to be a hosta environment.  But then I saw Michael J. Fox!  I am pretty sure it was him, he had his back to the fuchsias.

I did purchase a couple of fruit trees and to help me get started they even threw in some insects to aid with pollination. Yep, they were free bees.

On my way out I ran into a research assistant who had not been able to do any plant experiments, it appears that he hadn’t botany.

However, I do have a fear of roses.  I realize, for a gardener, this is a thorny issue. I’m not sure what it stems from, but it seems that I am stuck with it.

Did you know that in  some conifer forests, you can’t cedar wood for the trees?

Thought for the Week

“It was one of those March days when the sun shines hot and the wind blows cold: when it is summer in the light, and winter in the shade.” ~Charles Dickens, Great Expectations

http://www.quotegarden.com

 

Friday Funny March 17, 2017 Happy St. Patrick’s Day

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Happy Friday!  Last weekend the clocks sprung forward, next week brings the official start of spring and today is St. Patrick’s Day.  While I do not claim to be Irish, I will certainly take advantage of the occasion to pass along a few jokes.

Enjoy!

Q: What do you get when you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy?
A: A rash of good luck.

Q: What’s Irish and stays outside all summer?
A: Paddy O’Furniture.

Q: What would you get if you crossed Quasimodo with an Irish football player?
A: The Half-back of Notre Dame!

Q: What happens when a leprechaun falls into a river?
A: He gets wet!

Q: Why did St. Patrick drive all the snakes out of Ireland?
A: He couldn’t afford plane fare.

I did not remember to wear green on St. Patrick’s Day, but I am wearing blue pants and a yellow shirt, so pretty much the same thing. 

To celebrate St. Patrick’s Day, my wife made green meatloaf. I asked her how she colored it …she said she didn’t know what I was talking about. 

An Irishman by the name of O’Mally proposed to his girl on St. Patrick’s Day. However, the ring he proposed with was only a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, who, as luck would have it, was a jeweler. He took one look at it and knew it wasn’t not genuine. 
The young lass, on learning it wasn’t real, returned to her beau and protested vehemently about his cheapness. 
He simply smiled and said “It is St. Patrick’s Day, so I gave you a sham rock.”

Thought for the Week

Never iron a four-leaf clover.  You don’t want to press your luck!