Happy Friday and Happy May! The days are longer and warmer weather is on the way! The baseball season is in full swing, so let me toss out a baseball joke for you.
Enjoy!
Bob and Dave had been best friends for as long as either of them could remember plus they shared an avid interest in baseball. They were now in their 90’s and in a nursing home, but still close friends who continued to share a love of baseball. Many days they would spend sitting in their rocking chairs and talking about baseball. Occasionally they pondered if there would be baseball in heaven. One day, as they pondered this, they made a pact that someway, somehow which ever one of them who died first would find a way to come back and let the other one know if, indeed, there was baseball in heaven.
Well, the day came when Bob passed. After several weeks had passed Dave was feeling a bit lonely as his sat and rocked next to an empty chair. Suddenly, the empty chair began to rock slowly back and forth and the pale, ghostly image of Bob appeared.
Dave asked, “Well Bob, tell me, is there baseball in heaven?”
“Well, I’ve got some good news and some bad news,” replied Bob. “The good news is that, yes indeed, there is baseball in heaven. There are games every day and the weather is always absolutely perfect”
Dave smiled and asked, “That is wonderful! What’s the bad news?”
Bob looked at his friend and replied, “The bad news is that tomorrow is our Opening Day and you’re playing second base and batting third.”
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“Every day is a new opportunity. You can build on yesterday’s success or put its failures behind and start over again. That’s the way life is, with a new game every day, and that’s the way baseball is.” ~ Bob Feller
Happy Friday! Spring is in the air and you have probably had to cut the grass at least once by now, so how about some lawn care jokes to kick off this Friday?
Enjoy!
The other day, I saw a man crying while mowing his lawn so I asked him if anything was wrong. He said that he was just going through a rough patch.
Today I had to fire the guy I hired to mow my lawn, he just wasn’t cutting it.
I really need to cut my grass, but I am having difficulty getting myself mow-tivated.
Last week, I called the police about a murder on my front lawn and they said that couldn’t do anything about crows on my lawn and insisted that I quit calling.
I have a chicken proof lawn, it’s impeccable.
Chuck Norris doesn’t mow his lawn. He just sits on his porch and dares it to grow.
When I’m grilling a steak outside, the smell just makes my mouth water. I wonder if that happens when a vegan mows their lawn.
My neighbor on one side has a cow that helps him cut the grass, he’s a lawn moo-er.
My neighbor on the other side has a cat that helps him cut the grass, he’s a lawn-meower.
The shrubs were gearing up for a fight with the grass, but they never saw the blades come in.
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“April hath put a spirit of youth in everything.” ~ William Shakespeare
Happy Friday! It is the time of year for spring cleaning, so here are some jokes I dusted off for the occasion.
Enjoy!
I really hate spring cleaning. Those sillythings bounce all over the place.
I was pretty upset when my freezer stopped working, then I realized that it’s all just water under the fridge.
You never know what you have, until you clean your garage.
I recently built a car out of used and broken pieces of a washing machine. I cannot wait to take it for a spin.
I finished cleaning my bathroom mirror and I did such a good job that I ended just sitting there reflecting.
I heard that the best way to contact the spirit of a deceased window cleaner is with a Squeegee Board.
I recently saw a movie containing mild violence about cleaning supplies, it was rated Squeegee-13.
The highlight of my week was buying a new vacuum cleaner. Things are definitely picking up.
I have a friend wo got a job at the dry cleaners, but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and he kept upsetting the customers. His boss made him do a hanger management course.
If you are wondering if I know any laundry puns, I’ve got loads of them.
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“Ignorance lies not in the things you don’t know, but in the things you know that ain’t so.” ~ Will Rogers
Happy Friday! Happy Passover! Happy Easter! This week, instead of some jokes, I thought I would share a fun activity for the whole family.
Enjoy!
Peeps are in season! I assume that you are familiar with Peeps, the little marshmallow confection that has been around since 1953. They were originally promoted primarily at Easter-time but you can now find them at Halloween, Christmas, Valentine’s Day and just about any time. They come in various shapes and colors but all are basically sugar, corn syrup, gelatin, food dyes and salt.
One of the great debates of modern time is whether it is better to eat Peeps “fresh” out of the box or to slit the cellophane and wait a day, a week or a month or two for the Peeps to properly age (get stale) before eating them. We can save that debate for another time.
This weekend, if you have some Peeps around, may a suggest some Peep Jousting? (If you do not have any you might even want to go out and obtain some for this event!) There is really not much preparation needed for Peep Jousting. All you need are Peeps, toothpicks, a plate and a microwave.
Take two Peeps, insert a toothpick in each Peep so that it looks like a lance, arrange the Peeps facing each other on a plate and put the plate in the microwave. Set the microwave for approximately 40 seconds and watch! Do not walk away from the microwave or you will miss all the fun! Now there are a few differing theories on how to determine the winner of the match: 1) the Peep whose lance touches the other Peep first wins, 2) the Peep who deflates first is the loser, or 3) the Peep that blows up first loses. Take you pick or invent your own. Sadly, there are no returning champions in Peep Jousting, this is a “one and done” sport.
I would not suggest eating the Peeps post-joust – they are hot, they are messy and believe or not, they lose their flavor in the combat.
So, this year, add a little Peep Jousting to liven up the afternoon.
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“The very first Easter taught us this: that life never ends and love never dies. ~ Kate McGahan, “Only Gone from Your Sight”
Happy Friday! As we bring a close to March we are at the beginning of a new baseball season. It is that time of year when hope springs eternal! So, let me toss a few baseball jokes your way to kick the weekend off.
Enjoy!
I have a baseball joke to tell you. It will leave you in stitches.
How do baseball players stay Friends? They touch base every once in a while.
I heard that it is a good idea to take a baseball player with you when you go camping so that he can pitch the tent.
If you crossed a baseball pitcher with a carpet, would you get a throw rug?
Where did the baseball player wash his socks? In the bleachers.
What is the main rule of zebra baseball? Three stripes and you’re out.
What do baseball players use to bake a cake? Oven mitts, bunt pans, and batter.
Why did the baseball player shut down his website? He wasn’t getting any hits.
I once tried to kill a giant mouse with a baseball bat. Seems that I now have a lifetime ban from Disney World.
People say I’m too aggressive when I’m trading baseball cards. I will admit that I am Ruth-less.
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good, too.” ~ Yogi Berra
Happy Friday! Hope you have had an excellent week. Mine has been so-so and so are these jokes.
Enjoy!
Is it true that the most mediocre color is Meh-genta?
Is it true that only a mediocre person is always at their best?
Would you call a mediocre member of organized crime a mafiososo?
Would you call a mediocre sandwich a Subpar?
I once wrote a mediocre paper on computer programming; I received a C++.
Last week we went out for some mediocre Chinese food, it was Tso Tso.
I am not a mathematician; my statistic skills are mediocre at best and average at worst.
My attempt at art is a lot like communism – fantastic in theory, mediocre in practice, messy in result.
The other day I went to Starbucks, I asked the barista, “What’s your mildest roast?” She thought about it for a minute and said, “You have mediocre ears.”
I recently organized a mediocre game of tag with some friends, the situation was touch-and-go.
Do you know what historical figure is known for saying “ehh, good enough.”? It was Mediocrates.
I am putting up a surround sound system in my family room. I decided to hire a sound technician instead of a mediocre one.
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“No one gets ahead by striving for mediocrity.” ~ Glenn C. Stewart
Happy Friday! One of the many cartoons I watched when I was a child was “The Rocky and Bullwinkle Show” – every episode there would be a clip where Bullwinkle would say, “Hey Rocky watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat.” Then something that was not a rabbit would usually appear of the hat. So, in honor of Bullwinkle, I have pulled a few jokes out of my hat this week.
Enjoy!
I showed a mime a magic trick, it left him speechless.
A hear that good magician’s assistants are very hard to find, apparently they are highly sawed after.
I recently saw a magician who does magic with chocolate, it seems he had a lot of Twix up his sleeve.
I recently read about a new TV show about magical arts in the legal system, it is going to be called “Subpoena the Teenage Witch.”
Did you hear about the magician who made an entire art gallery disappear? Now museum, now you don’t
I have a friend who is very talented as both a Magician & a Chef. They say his food is TA! DA! for.
I read an article that stated that for a period of time, Harry Houdini used a trap door in every magic show he performed, apparently it was just a stage he was going through.
There was once a farmer who walked into a magical forest to cut down a tree. As he pulled back his axe to take a big swing, it cried out “Wait, I’m a talking tree!” The farmer just grinned and said “yes, and you will dialogue.”
Magician: “and now for my final trick! I will disappear!” Then he grabs a pear from under the table and says: “you’re the worst fruit ever!”
What are the two magic words you can say to get anything you want? – “I’m offended.”
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“The secret of showmanship consists not of what you really do, but what the mystery-loving public thinks you do.” ~ Harry Houdini
Happy Friday and welcome to March! I have an anniversary coming up in a few days, so let’s kick his weekend off with some relationship jokes.
Enjoy!
For our anniversary, I gave my wife a small picture of me inside a pistachio. It’s just me in a nutshell.
I asked my wife if she’d like a new Diamond Ring to celebrate our anniversary. “Nothing would make me happier!” She replied. So, I got her nothing.
Our anniversary is coming up, so my wife told me that she would be happy as long as I get her something with a lot of diamonds in it. I think she is going to love this pack of playing cards.
My wife asked me, “Do you want dinner?” I replied, “I don’t know. What are my choices?” Her response, “Yes or no.”
I asked my wife which she liked better, my face or my body? She said, “Your sense of humor.”
I think arguing with your spouse is like trying to read the “Terms of Use” on the internet. Eventually, you just give up and say, “I Agree.”
I thought I won the argument with my wife about how to arrange the furniture; however, when I got home, the tables had turned.
My wife said she wanted to be treated like a princess for our anniversary. So, I invited seven little people over so she could make us dinner – now she’s mad at me.
My wife keeps telling me that I’m the cheapest person she has ever met, but I’m not buying it.
My wife and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” ~ Henny Youngman
Happy Friday! It might still be February, but this week I have ben thinking about warmer days and vacation. Gas prices are rising again and the price of everything seems to keep going up. You might have started to winder if you will be able to travel anywhere this year. Well I have good news for you! Here are ten unique places that just might convince you to fill up the gas tank and hit the road. Enjoy!
Museum of Bad Art – “Too bad to be ignored” This is the world’s only museum dedicated to the collection, preservation, exhibition and celebration of bad art in all its forms. Is bad culture better than no culture? Dedham, Massachusetts – http://www.museumofbadart.org
Lizzie Borden Bed & Breakfast -“Lizzie Borden grabbed an axe, and gave her father 40 whacks.” Beautifully restored Greek-revival home is now a first-class bed & breakfast. You are invited to choose one of 6 beautifully appointed bedrooms and roam the house to learn the true facts about Lizzie Borden and the murders of 1892. Don’t like Lizzie Borden? Just bury the hatchet and go anyway. Fall River, Massachusetts –http://www.lizzie-borden.com
Glore Psychiatric Museum – brings to life the glorious history of psychiatric treatment through dioramas, models, and reproductions. Some of the more interesting objects on display include the tranquilizer chair, a ‘things-swallowed-by-patients’ exhibit, and a giant hamster wheel for especially energetic patients. The voices in your head are telling you to go. – St. Joseph, Missouri https://gloremuseum.org/
The Museum of Questionable Medical Devices -Devious Displays of Quackery, Fraud, Deceit and Deception — the largest collection of medical chicanery and mayhem ever assembled under one roof. When finished take two aspirin and call me in the morning. Minneapolis, Minnesota –http://www.museumofquackery.com
Vent Haven: Ventriloquist Museum – the world’s only museum of ventriloquial figures and memorabilia. This one has been closed for a bit but is getting ready to reopen May 9. All those dummies have just been sitting there waiting for you to come – just don’t let them put words in your mouth. Ft. Mitchell, Kentucky – https://www.venthaven.org/
The National Museum of Funeral History – Here you will discover America’s largest collection of authentic historical funeral service items. You can also learn about hearses through history, caskets and coffins, and the history of embalming and cremation. Don’t stay too long or you might end up as part of an exhibit. Houston, Texas – https://www.nmfh.org
The National Mustard Museum – home to the world’s largest collection of mustards and mustard memorabilia. You can find mustard pots, antique tins and jars as well as vintage advertisements and it is free! As museums go, this one really makes the cut. Middleton, Wisconsin –https://mustardmuseum.com/
Spam Museum – It is all about the sizzle, a trip for the history books and the cook books. Find out all you ever wanted to know about Spam but were afraid to ask. It is free, so don’t knock it until you’ve fried it. Austin, Minnesota – https://www.spam.com/museum
International Cryptozoology Museum – Did you know that Cryptozoology is the study of hidden or unknown animals? Well, here you have the world’s only cryptozoology museum. Maybe you can actually spot Big Foot on your visit. Portland, Maine – https://cryptozoologymuseum.com/
National Bobblehead Hall of Fame and Museum – who doesn’t like a bobblehead? Here you will find the world’s largest collection of bobbleheads as well as dozens of exhibits related to the history of bobbleheads, the making of bobbleheads and much, much more. Doesn’t that sound fun? Just nod your head in agreement. – Milwaukee, Wisconsin – https://www.bobbleheadhall.com/
THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK
“A vacation is what you take when you can no longer take what you’ve been taking.” ~Earl Wilson
Leonard's Lines 